Emmanuel...."God is with us"

Have you ever "known" something, but then actually forgot you knew it? Have you ever "known" God loved you, but then forget *really* how much that he does...or that He STILL does..that He doesn't waver and his love is truly unconditional (really is there anything at all in this life that really is unconditional aside from God's love?)...and then something happens and you remember and you're shocked at the reality of it, then feel silly that you'd forgotten, or silly that you were shocked when the truth finally "dawned" on you again ....has this ever happened to you? Am I the only one?

This happened to me yesterday. This has happened to me over the last few months...my struggle with trust since losing Isaiah...my inability to "let go" and "let God"...my understanding that He loves us through our anger, yet my inability to understand that love as a whole...

to provide protection to avoid the fire at times,

to provide burn proof clothes or to hold us through the fire when there is no way around it,

 and then to provide ointment and to nurse any burns that may occur,

 and any scars that may remain, Himself.

to understand through it all...

God's focus is not the fire...but being with us,

the whole time

unfailingly.

Emmanuel..."God is with us"

If only I can keep my eyes off the fire, off the burns

and onto the fact that He was there,

that He's here now,

and that it *really* is enough.....

This has been my struggle these last months.

struggling with wanting to scream..."but God, what about the Fire??!! There's a possibility of fire there, please reassure me there won't be a fire, then i can trust you..." and He's waiting for me to realize fire has little to nothing to do with it at all, it's Him being there has everything to do with it...

how to turn my focus from point B to point A.....

when my trust failed because subconciously i was afraid if I trusted as I had before,

 i would lose another baby as I had before...

He quietly understood.

It was not the truth,

but He stood by me still...

and not just waiting for me to "come around"

but *loving* me through it all,

nursing my burns in love...

This loving "servant-God" of ours...

in that time i was amazed to hear of other people whom had endured trials but were "back up in the saddle" again...i fought within myself over and over...

"trust Him, He is with you. and He is enough."

..."but i can't, i did and i got hurt"...

"but He was with you then, He is with you now.."

..."but i can't, i hurt"

..."but he loves you."

.." i know, but i'm hurting...

i'm still hurting...

it just hurts so much...

i don't want, can't take, anymore hurt...

i can't risk it"

 i just couldn't wrap my head around it. i wanted to, i tried to, and i just couldn't.

 my hurt still smothered me,

 fear prevailed,

trust waned...

I *knew* what mattered to God was not my circumstances, what mattered to Him was me, to know and be aware He was there.."Be still and know that I am God"...i knew that. I knew all along He hadn't left me, but I still couldn't trust him...not all the way, not with everything, I could trust he wouldn't leave me but I couldn't trust him with everything as I had before...I guess because I knew His focus isn't on the trials but on providing through them, I felt I couldn't trust that I wouldn't go through the same trials again and that is what I thought I needed to know to "feel" safe. I knew if we did endure more trials He'd be there, but it wasn't enough...I had to know the trials wouldn't come, that I wouldn't suffer that same pain again...

 and in that self-protection I was suffering already...

what a loooong process this has been!

how paaaaaaatient He has been...

Yesterday He gathered people around me and hugged me...literally the Body of Christ, reaching out to me with thier own arms, but I felt His love. troubled and emotional I laid down when the girls napped, tried to sleep and half tried to "give it to God". At some point i opened my eyes and saw a painting we had bought for Julia's nursery as a newborn. it now hangs in our living room. It is a picture of Jesus walking in a field with other shepherds, sheep, lambs, and a few children. it is titled "Loving Shepherd of Thy Sheep". i have always loved it because it is peaceful and serene, it shows security and kindness, and is very true. That was the moment it "hit" me..what I had long known, but forgotten...God doesn't worry about what trials may come before those sheep because He knows He can handle it all, what is important to Him is that He is WITH the sheep...before, during, and after those trials.

What i had long forgotten or refused to accept deemed as "not good enough"...suddenly now makes sense and gives me comfort...

suddenly I felt a peace in my house I hadn't felt in awhile.

or maybe, it was there all along and I just hadn't registered it...His Grace. 

His Grace covers all...

His "Grace" is sufficient...

He has suffieciently covered me,

loved me, provided for me,

heard me, answered me,

and comforted me...

in so many ways I am aware of,

and so many more I know not of.

....It is the former that brings Reassurance,

and the latter that brings Trust.

~ It was by His Grace yesterday, that the burden of fear was lifted at all... ~