Current mood: Grieving, Brokeness, intense sadness *Update Blog* January 20th, 2006   Things are moving very slowly, sometimes seeming to have come to a stand still, but at least I know deep down they are moving. I'm not sure I have ever felt so much  brokeness, so much emptyness. My emotions fluctuate form hour to hour as the grief comes in waves. When it is hard I just want it to be done and over so I don't have to hurt anymore, and when I am feeling good I'm feeling guilty for not feeling sad. I am so mixed up lol.   In my profile I remarked that I want to be a transparent Christian, the good, the bad, the ugly lol. So here is a blog that isn't going to be a great happy go lucky blog lol, but I hope it gives hope. I hope if there is someone else out there hurting, then they will be comforted in knowing they aren't alone. This is why I love the Book of Psalms so much. It is full of people (mostly David) crying out to God for help. People whom are suffering, whom are hopeless or depressed and crying out (and the follow up psalms of praise when God answered thier cries are SO powerful!). I love them because I tend to forget the people, apostles, prophets in the Bible were just regular people. Like you and me, they hurt, they felt scared, they felt doubt and fear. It is encouraging to hear these great men of the Bible didn't always feel great. It gives me hope lol, because I sure don't feel great 100 percent of the time! lol!    I must spend some time praising my husband. Joe has been so great. He's just been so awesome to me through all of this. I know he is hurting too, but he hasn't ever hesitated to let me be as I need to be. He listens, speaks comfort, holds me and lets me cry, even when I can't voice the words behind the tears. Not once have I felt I was struggling through this alone. I count this such a blessing as I know everyone deals with grief in thier own way. I was truly expecting him to be kind of standoff-ish and not very talkative about it. He doesn't babble, (which is probably good b/c I seem to be doing enough for the both of us lol,) but he's always made himself available. A friend who has gone through this was telling me her husband was just so anxious to try again, he was logically expecting her to feel the same way and move on pretty quickly, and she was really just wanting to see him act sad lol. She said it sounds silly now, but it's so true.....us women just need to know we are not the only ones hurting. We just need to know we aren't alone, and that it's okay to feel what we're feeling.   Anyway, Joe has just been so amazing in everway with this thing. God is so very good to me to have blessed me with him. He's taken up some of the slack on the mundane chores around here which has been such a relief for me. More than once I have woken from a nap to find the house already cleaned, or he stayed up late catching up on hand washing more dishes or making sure that silly coin-op dryer is continuing to spin on its 6th cycle on the same load lol. (yes it takes an entire day to fully dry one load of laundry) He's just been so wonderful, through all of this. Yesterday marked the day that 9 years ago we began dating. He brought home chocolates, along with a few other treats such as fresh strawberries (which can be a somehat rarity here in england, especially in january lol.) I was so surprised! He's been my rock through all of this, and I am so appreciative of him. I am so thankful this has been an experience to bring us closer together, instead of acting as a barrier between us.    Thank you to everyone whom has reached out to us during all of this, whom have kept us in thier prayers. I think one of the main things I have struggled with is how the doctors didn't acknowledge the pregnancy. Since then I have had 3 seperate people call me to tell me of things that have happened to them (dreams or personal experiences) to confirm there was indeed a baby for us. Each time one of them called I was in one of the deeper holes of doubt, wondering if I'd just gone mad and everything was in my head because i'd wanted it so badly. And each time someone would call and say, "I just wanted to tell you something, about a month ago I had a dream about you....." or "the night it happened this and this happened and I knew right away, someone in our family had left us. I just didn't know who until now." And each time it was encouragement I needed despretly to hear! It amazes me how God began to reach out and prepare for this moment months ago, and through other people each located in seperate geographic locations, some of them family, and some of them not. It stands testament of just how big of a God He really is, and just how much He cares...He cared so much that He personally spoke to each of these people to reach out to me! I was relating to a friend the other day it is as though God prepared a very large soft place for me to "fall" when all this happened. Months ago He began preparing and putting down big pillows lol, so when I fell and was hurting all I had to do was rest, and He took care of it. It hasn't taken the hurt away, but I have found comfort in knowing I'm being taken care of. He is just so good. Another close friend once told me "just because you're grieving doesn't mean you're not trusting God." Thank you for saying that, (you know who you are.) I didn't realize it at the time, but I have really needed to know that. I've spent quite a bit of time over at this website: Bereaved Moms Share. I highly recommend this site if you know anyone whom has experienced a loss and you want to help recognize it but are unsure how. They have some very cute memory keepsakes for such things as miscarraiges, still births...etc. the lady whom started it hand makes these really nice personalized bracelets. She has had 3 miscarraiges, 1 stillbirth daughter, and then also lost her 16 year old son...so she knows grief and suffering all too well. I've ordered a bracelet for Isaiah as well as a few other memory keepsakes to put in his box. I am hopeful for when it comes, although I know it will be awhile. They are handmade by this mom and she takes photos and sends them over email for you to "approve" of before shipping it out to you. I love that she puts her heart into it, for complete strangers where the only common ground is an indescrible grief. On the order form it says specifically, "tell us your story..." it is more than a product to them, it is about healing and honoring something very precious. I love that, I just really love that.   I also found another great verse from that site, mentioned above. It was written on this necklace Precious Feet With Scripture (it's the second column down) The precious feet are the exact size of a baby's feet at 10 weeks from conception, and the scripture on the back reads: "I have called you by name. You are mine!" ~Isaiah 43:1 How perfect! And did you notice the address? From the book of Isaiah again! *laughs* Perhaps I should start doing more readings from that book right now lol.   The Precious Feet are also on the bracelets. (It is so amazing by just 10 weeks from conception so much is already developed... arms, legs, fingers, toes, ears, eyes, nose, almost all of the internal organs...Even 3 weeks after conception the heart has already begun to beat! The creation of life is so amazing! So much forms and happens so very early!) We never made it to 10 weeks with Isaiah, but I thought it would be so very neat to see those and hold them for if we do ever get pregnant again. I don't think I will be strong enough to wear it out in public and to answer any questions that it may bring right now, but someday I will. Someday I want it to be a testiment that it is okay to *recognize life*, no matter how brief or short it was. ** I think one of the biggest mistakes the world does is try to minimize what has happened in hopes of trying to give "hope" to the grieving family**....common things heard are " well, you can try again...it's best you put it behind you and forget it even happened....you need to just let it go and get over it, the sooner you do the better....it was probably for the better, something probably would've been wrong with it had it been born...." these things HURT! Thankfully none of these things have been said to me personally, but I have heard it from my friends experiences, and from many others as well. (really, if you have no idea what to say to someone, just tell them you are sorry, and then ask if there is anything you could do for them, tell them you are praying for them. These words build up instead of tearing down. And silence can almost be just as bad as not recognizing it at all. If you have no words, buy a sympathy card and sign your name. That in itself speaks so much...simply that you do care.)   There is a white "rubberband" bracelet on this grieving site that says "life is precious" with little feet on either side of the words. It is only 4 dollars. I have ordered this because this I think I *can* wear out right now without breaking down everytime I see it lol. Eventually I will be able to wear Isaiah's birthstone bracelet as well and let that be a testament. At that point it will probably be theraputic to speak to strangers about it lol. I just want people to know if they ever experiece this, it is OKAY to grieve. It is OKAY to recognize it! The world just seems too quick to dismiss life in any form anymore! And if they ever know anyone whom experiences a loss, supporting doesn't mean trying to help them "move on" from it, supporting is recognizing where they are and letting them know it is OKAY to feel what they are feeling and that you'll be there for them from the beginning to the end. A simple card speaks alot, or going to websites such as mentioned above and buying a small little trinket. Or if you want to do something more, I have heard of some planting a tree in remembrance or even going to one of these websites and buying a star in the child's name. There are really great places where you can make a charity donation in the baby's name. World Vision is one of my favorites because you see where the money goes to. The money donated in one child's name that has passed, can go to save another babies life! Or a whole family!...this is powerful stuff!   I went to my family doc today for an asthma check-up. I talked with him a little bit about the Singulair I take and voiced my concerns over trying to concieve in the next few months. He said it was a class B drug and okay to take during pregnancy. This is such good news. The Singulair really does a good job keeping my allergies at bay and if I can do that, my asthma rarely acts up. He seemed very positive about us trying again after, what I think was a Chemical Pregnancy.    My heart is still so heavy and sadness seems to have become a second shadow....where ever I go, it goes....but this has been the first time since everything happened that I have felt the tiniest little bit of hope. I am still scared about it happening again, but at least now I can even *imagine* trying again...before that wasn't even possible, didn't even want to go there. And the sun came out today, first time in a couple weeks, so that has been nice to.....now if I can just start sleeping again at night.... ;)     "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." ~Matthew 11:28   "Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, for the help of His countenance.." ~Psalm 42:5