Lately I have been burdened. I know this is nothing new to those whom have been following my blogs. We’ve just suffered a terrible miscarriage and have been reeling from the aftermath of shock, anger, confusion, sadness, and frustration. Having been made a promise by the Father directly to my heart we’d have another baby, for two years I waited and banked on holding that baby in my arms, and for those 2 Years I held him very close in my heart. When we lost him, my Spirit, soul, body, emotions, every aspect of whom I am went spinning wildly. It was mind boggling…

“I’d had a promise…God?...Dad? what happened? Did I do something wrong? Did I fail somehow that you took him home? Yes I know everything you spoke to my heart during that first week and that I blogged and felt a peace about, but why?... Can I trust you again? That you won’t hurt me again? Can I dare to hope and it not end in disappointment? I trusted and hoped before and it ended horribly, how can I be sure doing so again wouldn’t lead to more hurt?... Are you there? Have you turned your face from me?... Why can’t we conceive again right away? What made it okay for us to conceive in December for a baby to lose, but not okay to conceive now for a baby to keep? It’s not fair! It’s not right…where did I fail? Where did I go wrong?...Will I ever feel you beside me again? Were you ever there to begin with...?”

 It is estimated we think 40,000 thoughts each day. These are just a handful of the thoughts and cries swirling in my heart and spirit for days, for weeks. And it broke me. The weight of all this broke me on about every level to the very core of my soul.

Yes, there was a short time I completely gave up trusting God. I gave up listening. I gave up praying. I gave up hoping and certainly wasn’t about to try to trust again. I say this to be real. It’s okay to question in the hard times. It’s okay to cry out and then refuse to listen. I didn’t get very far, but at the time I didn’t want to move anyway. It’s all okay, because God didn’t give up when I did. He is the essence of Grace.

“Grace” means “free gift” or “unmerited favor.”

There was certainly nothing my actions had warranted to have Him still by me. Heck, I was pushing Him away the best I could…

I    didn’t    want    Him.

Like a small child running away from home. The parent lets them go, but then follows them close behind, knowing eventually they are going to get scared being alone. Instead of letting the child find their own way back full of fear and questioning if they are still loved, He will meet them there in the street, on the sidewalk, in the park, at the beginning of the woods, or the next block. Wherever I happen to be when I turn around, He’ll meet me right there, and then guide me back home, hand in hand. It isn’t just pretty words that are “nice to know,” I can vouch from personal experience now, He doesn’t wait at the porch tapping His foot saying, “I told you so.”

I’m not saying everything is honkey-dorrey and fine as punch in my heart. There are a lot of issues I am still swimming through. There is a lot of anger and misunderstanding there. Some part of me still feels as though He failed me. But I am realizing I have been created as a “limited” human being for a reason. Even if God wanted me to know all His plans for my life, my feeble human brain wouldn’t be able to handle it…”system overload…system overload” lol. Knowing this doesn’t take away my desire of wanting to know the “why’s?” but it does help in understanding why He remains silent to some of my questions. It isn’t that He doesn’t care, or that He doesn’t hear me. It’s just beyond my capability of understanding. Like a 6 year old asking a complicated physics question.

But where does this leave me with regaining trust? Still struggling, lol. But at least my foot steps are slowly going back in the right direction. I have been reading a book called “Ruthless Trust” by Brennan Manning. It has been by far one of the most challenging books I have ever held in my hands. The type that you read a while and think, “This is SOOooo good.” Then the next paragraph hits you with a zinger and you think, “Hmmm...maybe I don’t like this so much.” Lol. That’s when you know, even if you don’t want to admit it wholeheartedly, the book is a keeper. The title says it all really… “Ruthless Trust"... meaning "no matter what God, I will stick by you.”

Trust...  IS   hard

Ruthless Trust...   is REALLY hard!

I came across this paragraph today in chapter 2:

 “Uncontaminated trust in the revelation of Jesus allows us to breathe more freely, to dance more joyfully, and to sing more gratefully about the gift of salvation.”

My “revelation of Jesus” in this has been in my run away and then my slow walk back home, I never felt *any* condemnation.

Never.

Never any, “you should’ve listened…why’d you doubt me?!...you failed me before and yet again…*scoffs* and you think you want another child, you can’t even handle a little test…why would I ever bless the likes of you, you lost your faith…yeah, that’ll teach you to ever stop trusting again, I never bless the faithless, I never trust the trustless with anything of mine…yeah, I guess you can come back, I’d never throw you out, *scoffs* *shakes head* but I don’t know what I’ll ever do with you, you’ve lost your faith you’re damaged goods now…”

Never!

Not once.

Not anything even close.

But I have felt a love so thick I was almost fearful to be overcome by it.

I have felt an understanding in how I am hurting,

an understanding so real, I’ve finally been able to let go of all my emotions unafraid of how the Judge of all the Earth would judge me…even when those emotions took me far from Him.

And His arms never left my side, even when I shrugged them off, over and over again.

THIS has been my “revelation”, my understanding, of The Christ…

*~*A love unimpeded by my hurt. *~*

A love unhindered by my anger.

Grace without a ruler.

THIS I can trust…and what have I found? Exactly what that passage said… “Allows us to breathe more freely, to dance more joyfully, and to sing more gratefully…”

It is so much easier to breathe without the burdens and limitations of: “if you could only trust me again, then and *only then* will I look upon you gracefully…”

Sometimes it is just impossible to bring ourselves to a certain *standard,* especially 100% of the time. And isn’t that what Grace really is? NO standards. NO expectations. No “do this and then you will receive.” Grace is free. The very difference of the law of the Pharisee, and the Salvation of the Christ! The difference of today’s legalistic “Christians”, and the humble *servants* truly known by Him.

(Not to mention anytime I get something because I think I “earned” it, I am just a little less grateful for it. But an unmerited GIFT…now that’s different! That’s amazing. That’s precious. That just doesn’t happen all the time, it is un-common, therefore gratefulness abounds! How thankful I am to be freed of the human mindframe of “you do this, you get this in return.” I was being crushed under that weight, because I am simply too frail to accomplish anything at all! Merely breathing is a gift in itself and even that I can not do on my own accord.)

Grace falls upon me even when I have failed all “criteria required” to receive it.

Grace rains simply because it is God’s to give and God is love, and God loves to give *gracefully* because there is NOTHING else on earth that can.

So, I am breathing more freely having let go of “all expectations”, all “requirements.”

I am dancing more joyfully because I am *still* accepted having not risen to the “challenge.”

And I know if He chooses to bless us again it will NOT be because *I* trusted more, because *I* grew my faith, or because *I* learned lessons during this time.

He blesses simply because He loves.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

I am singing more gratefully because I know more than ever I am so undeserving and I just can not “hit those marks” and yet, it is OKAY! Being blessed in the future does not rest on acquiring certain standards i.e,..."If I trust more, have more faith, pray more, give more...etc". What a relief to know Psalm 127…”Children are a reward from God..” is NOT a reward of my stewardship of faith or lack thereof, but a simple reward of His LOVE! His choice. His plan. Regardless of my shortcomings, He abides, He never fails, He fills the gap. And I can trust Him on that.

I have tried so hard these last weeks to “pull myself up” out of the pit, “to move on,” to quit hurting. Trust me, I am REALLY tired of hurting. Pain is not fun! I have tried on my own as well as praying fervently for it. But it seems for now, He’s showing me it’s *okay* to be in the pit because He’s with me. It’s okay in the valley, because I am not alone, and I wasn’t put there for punishment and I won’t remain there because of my “lack of spiritualness.” It’s okay to hurt because He binds up all wounds. There is comfort in being comforted, and there is comfort in having Good company, even in the depths of despair. *Especially* in the depths of despair.

How joyfully the New Man dances when he has been freed! He counts the horizons as gifts, the hills as blessed beams waiting to be danced upon! Thank you God for freeing me of all the burdens of sin, the limitations of doctrine,  all the expectations of man, and all the rulers I hold against myself!

How wonderfully freeing it is to be loved,

for

no

reason

at all!!

God's love is unconditional and not an emotional response to something we have done. Therefore, what we do doesnt cause God to love us more or less. God loves us because He is love, not because we are lovely."

“Yes, I have loved you with an

Everlasting love,... ” ~Jeremiah 31:3

“Weeping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning.” ~Psalm 30:5

“For by GRACE you have been saved through faith, and that NOT of yourselves; It IS the GIFT of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.” ~Ephesians 2:8-9

“That they may know that this is YOUR hand-

That YOU, Lord, have done it!” ~Psalm 109:27

“So I lay at your feet, All my brokenness,

I carry all these burdens to you,…

Sweet Jesus you never, ever let me go…”

Jars of Clay, Frail

“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you…” ~James 4:8