**I have so much to write! My keys are on fire and I am fearing how long this may be by the end lol…This is going to be an update to the last blog I wrote, and then I also have several wonderful things I have read in books, in the Bible, and come across in other blogs that I want to link over here dealing with burdens and sufferings. Not any *insights* as to why I am where I am now, more of encouragement found along the way. *winks.* So I will just make this an update to the last blog and I will also be posting tomorrow and probably the next day about the other great things I have come across, things that I read and went “Wow! This is SOOooooo GOOD!” I truly can’t wait to get those up, so please check back!**

But for now, I’m not too sure how my last blog came off and I want to clarify a little bit, kind of extend on it. (by the way, to those whom left comments, thank you so much! Footprints has always been close to my heart, but more so now than ever, especially since He has chosen to carry me through the fire instead of rescue me out of it lol.)

I still hold much sorrow. I still find myself biting my lip when I see sweet babies close by, and I still find the floor highly interesting when a beautiful pregnant belly comes into view. It is hard, the wound is deep, but for now I am overcome with excitement for the way God hasn’t left me. For the sense I know Him just a bit more than I had before. Not that knowledge is key, it ISN’T! Desiring knowledge (The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil”) over God’s will and desire (The Tree of Life = God) was the downfall of Adam and Eve. So I feel odd in how to write *how* I feel comfort and secure now in *learning* or in *knowing* Him better because the safety and security isn’t in the learning or the knowing, and I truly have so far to go to *know* Him…the safety and security (and joy and gratefulness) comes from the very core of *HIM.* From just who He is. And how vastly different He is than I am! BEING in Him doesn’t come from my works (we are Human BEings, NOT human DOings)…it is hard to explain. Like He is showing me He is in me, and I in Him no matter how often I do or do not pray, or how far I let myself wander, or how hard I may try to separate myself from Him because of my anger or frustration…there truly is nothing that can separate us from the Love of Christ! Perhaps that is where the comfort has stemmed from, realizing that no matter where I succeed or go wrong, He loves me more than my circumstances and more than my capabilities. (Which is a HUGE comfort, because as a human being, I am fairly UN-capable! lol!)

**Not to say prayer and faith and hope isn’t needed in your daily life! Of course it is, how else do you grow in ANY relationship here on earth and with our Father in heaven? BUT what happens when we have been TOO WEAKENED BY OUR CIRCUMSTANCES, by our *severe* sorrows and hurts, to read or pray? How doomed are we when we are *too weak* and *too injured* to reach out anymore? Where does that leave us?  Safely in His hands. Even trying to run from Him, His presence never abandons. That is where my joy came from and where my last blog bubbled from. Knowing I literally can not fall too far from His reach! And KNOWING this from personal experience.

 My mistake, MY realization, my biggest goof in the last two years, was putting all my faith and all my belief in the *act* of being faithful, not in Who God is:

“Kristy’s faith by works = You fulfilling what you have promised = exactly what Kristy desires.”

EEeeeeP!!

**My number one mistake was putting my faith in my ability to be faithful, and not in God’s desires and His will. And I had been hinging His ability to Love me and fulfill the promise, on my own ability to Keep strong.**

What an amazing burden I unknowingly placed upon myself!

 I really hate to say it, but in the course of those two years I had taken God out of the promise. I truly believed His word and what He had said, and I completely believed Him faithful and powerful enough to bring it to completion so I hadn’t taken Him out in that sense…but in standing on what He had said, I also began *working* to remain standing, believing or fearing, that somewhere if I failed in my praying or began doubting more than believing, then the promise would be forfeit, thus I had removed Him from it by slowly moving into the security given by MY working, or maintaining, the promise by *growing MY faith*, and thus eventually took God out of it. And of course there was a FALSE security in “working” for it, because it is not ME who brings it to pass anyway. Only God has that power.

And my point of my last blog was that *when* we are TOO WEAK to pray, too angry too trust, and too fearful to seek His way over our own, He doesn’t cast us aside as worthless. The freedom expressed in the last blog was off of the realization that God’s grace doesn’t NEED me to do or be anything. My being "Strong" doesn't earn me points to what I desire, and my being weak (which is natural to come more often than strength because I am human) doesn't count against me, so when I am weakened to the point of incapacity, that is fine. “Worthless” is still acceptable, nothing is forfeited, I haven’t failed HIS plan because of my own human weaknesses!! Wheew! Really nice to know that!!

How thankful I am to now know and realize it is all about God! All about His capabilities, not my own shortcomings! How thankful I am that God’s Grace is so different from my own! How wonderful it is to be freed from that high standard of being perfect!

I have been so humbled through this, because my ability to remain faithful even *most* of the time is CRAP lol! I am SO glad it is not a requirement for God’s Grace! And SO GRATEFUL to learn how small and frail I am….it has taken off all burdens to remain strong. It’s just not who I am, and I was never meant to be, however it IS who He is!

I truly feel like a little tiny baby lamb being carried in my Shepherds arms and he rubs my ears and nuzzles the furr on my head and I just bleat because really, that’s all I’m capable of, just happily bleating away lol…happy to be in His arms, safe and secure, NO requirements of me but just to love Him. And I feel like He’s grinning at my final realization of the relief in His Grace and He’s going, “See now? I love you so very much! I would never let you go, no matter how much you wiggled and squirmed! Lol! I am so glad you are finally enjoying the comfort and safety in Me, and that you finally know there are no requirements for My love. See? My burden really is light. *grins* How I love when you rest in Me!” *tickle tickle* *nuzzle nuzzle*

I really don’t know why he hasn’t thrown down a rope to pull me out of “the pit”…i.e, a quick rescue from all my hurt and struggles right now…but I am very content that He has chosen to jump down here with me, and carry me around lol. At first I rebelled because I just wanted Him to get me OUT! When He hopped down and was reassuring that it was “okay” because He is in here with me, I refused that answer as not good enough lol. I don’t know the reasons why He’s choosing to reveal His Grace to me “Down here”, instead of “up there.” And I am not about to try to find those reasons, or *learn* lessons, or *look* for whatever He is working this moment. When He chooses to bring them to me, great, but I’m not even going to try to Guess at His will and then attempt to "beat Him to it" in order to speed things along. As a very dear friend has told me in the past, “You can’t out guess God”…so trying to guess and then work at it just sounds like too much work and energy than what I have lol, as well as putting another burden upon myself to “achieve.” No more burdens lol!! I am not about to take this rest He’s laid upon me and hop out of His arms for the sake of *learning* how to get out of this pit lol! No thanks! I will gladly stretch out and enjoy the wonderful ride of being carried in His arms! And as His mercy and Grace rains, perhaps rejoice with gratefulness in the strength of His love and the Arms that Carry, and from gratefulness perhaps comes a spirit of joy….but for now *stretches out and yawns, puts hands behind head* I will just enjoy the ride and trust in His healing, however long it takes….

“I give them eternal life,

and they shall never perish;

no one can snatch them

out of my hand.”

~John 10:28

“Behold, the LORD’s hand is not shortened,

That it cannot save;

Nor His ear heavy,

that it cannot hear.”

~Isaiah 59:1

“Come to Me,

all you who labor and are heavy laden,

and I will give you rest…

for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For My yoke is easy

and My burden is light.”

 ~Matthew 11:28-30

“Sometimes He calms the storm

with a whisper “Peace Be still”

He could settle any thing

But it doesn’t mean He will.

~

Sometimes He calms the storm

or He holds us close

and lets the wind

and waves go wild…

~

Sometimes He calms the storm

and other times He calms His child.”

~ Scott Trapain.