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I feel like the cowardly lion in search of the magical wizard who, with a wave of his wand, can bestow courage on me. I AM the cowardly lion, and I need to muster some courage. I am tired of running and hiding from what I am afraid of. I have been doing that all of my life, and it isn't rewarding. On the contrary, it can be very humiliating. I want to face my fear square in the eye and tell it where to go! The funny thing is, my biggest fear isn't what most people would consider a normal phobia, like heights, or failure, or spiders, maybe fire-no. I am afraid of me. I came to this realization that I cannot trust myself. I do not succeed in much and when I do succeed it's because I believed I would and did not quit until I did. There are not many things in my life that I have accomplished because of this fear of my own inconsistencies! Now I am not only faced with a fear of myself, but also the fear of the big wide world, which I do not like. It's actually a choice between the two. I would rather face off with myself at this point. I am tired of worrying about whether or not I can do it-whatever it may be. Nine times out of ten, I fail because I didn't really try to begin with because I knew I would fail in the end. I lack confidence. I lack courage! Determination and ambition have alluded me. I am lazy, and I always want to take the easy way out. I am tired of myself. I am going to homeschool this year. I am going to face all the fears that daily bombard my thoughts because of homeschooling. I am going to be determined and try to stay that way. I am going to ask for help when I need it. I am going to try, and try again! It hit me today that I am bored. There is always housework to do-that will always be there, but I want more. I want my life to mean something. I think about the days that pass, and the time that I am not very good at redeeming. Where does it go and how do I spend it. I have so much of it and yet I don't. It slips through my fingers like sand and the tighter I squeeze the quicker it seems to fall. I was left with the final question, "Am I going to homeschool, or get a job and send the kids to school." It is honestly, less ominous for me to homeschool then to throw myself out into the workforce again. Yet I don't want to homeschool because I am afraid to work. All the facts and ideas swimming around in my thoughts swirled together and rested on one thing-where I would be most fulfilled. My honest answer was in my home, with my family. I want to be here for my kids. I want to be the one to teach them about life and the things that are most important. This is where it gets tricky. This is where I need courage, confidence, determination, and ambition to be the kind of stay-at-home wife and mom that my family needs. I am not organized. I have failed too many times to count, but I don't want to stop trying. Even as I now write, I feel a twinge of confidence springing up in me. But it wanes at times-as I am sure it does in all of humanity when things get tough. I have to move forward. Homeschooling makes the most sense to me. I need to put my whole heart into it and make it our way of life-something I failed to do last year. I am not planning on making that same mistake this year. Here goes nothing... |
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Posted by Carey
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