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As the heat begins to creep into our days, so does the lethargy in me. I am slow already, but when I am hot, I am a sloth!! The kids are always busy running in and out of the house, riding bikes, playing with the neighbor kids, and watching a few cartoons here and there. Me? I don't want to do a thing today, and most days that I am hot. Not only am I hot, but I am terribly contemplative, and when my brain continues to turn things over and over in it, well, I seem to check out. I checked out today, maybe even before today. Why, you might wonder? Too many things to discuss in one post that's for sure! But one of the most important things on my mind as of late is homeschooling, or the possibility of no longer homeschooling. It has been a difficult year for me-for all of us-even though there have been many pluses despite that. In weighing the good and the bad in my mind, I feel like we could all breathe a little if the kids went to school next year. My husband and I have been discussing private school and me seeking employment to pay for it. It's not what I want, not really, but I don't feel like our homeschooling so far has been a success. I have had some major struggles and still look in the mirror daily wondering what in the world I am thinking-why homeschooling. Then I have to remind myself-I did not feel like I had any other option at the time. I do not believe that homeschooling is for everyone-and it may not be for me. I love my children and want what is best for them, and private education might just be the right thing to do. I am not excited about homeschooling. Seeking curriculum and ways to teach my children such things as science and history do not thrill my heart. And maybe these things are not thrilling to many, but I feel like I want nothing to do any more with homeschooling. The days when I am just with my kids and doing things other than schooling are some of the best days. We both do better, because there is less stress. I know that I cannot walk away from homeschooling simply because it is hard for me to do it. Nor can I just walk away because I do not like to do it. But let me ask you this. If one hates their job, are they going to do their very best at it? Or just the minimum to get by? That is what I feel most miserable about. I think I am doing the minimum to get by! I guess I have a while to recuperate from teaching and then I can get my thoughts together and we can make a decision. It really does get harder the older they get. I am walking into this new phase in my life. I am scared, and confused and unsure of what step to walk next. So at this point I am just waiting. Just waiting. |
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Well, we are counting down the days until we are done with our lessons. I am looking forward to the summer and all that that implies. I am very tired today. Drained I think might be a better word-and it sure did affect the way I handled things today. That is one reason why I am so ready for this school year to end. Right now I am doing the bare minimum to get done because we are all tired. It's starting to get hot outside and it's moving into the house now. I do not want to use the air unless I have to-and so I have been holding off on it. It hasn't been too bad-just a little hard to sleep if it's hot, but not impossible. We are looking forward to our camping trip at the end of June. We have a cabin with my husband's sister and her family. It's our first time camping as a family and I am a little nervous but much more excited than nervous. I love the outdoors, and so do my kids-especially the beach-which they have at this cabin. I am just excited about the summer months. They are always busy but so much more relaxed than the schoolyear. And we get to see family more often and go on picnics and go swimming and the list goes on. I just love it-I feel like a kid! Maybe I just enjoy life more in the summer. I do not have as much pressure on me as I do when we are homeschooling, and we have to be inside most of the time. I get anxious about so many things and the anxiety level in the summer is very low. I am just counting down the days-maybe more than the kids are. I can't wait!! |
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We went on a picnic yesterday. It was a lovely day, but a bit chilly. Here we are...
It's not the best picture I've taken in my life but it will do for this post! Later on I felt like experimenting with some unusual pictures of the kids and this is what we came up with...
This is Chewy-my first specimen. My second was more than willing to volunteer for a shot...
And then... OB1-A Picture worth a thousand words-yet I can't think of just one to describe this, um, how about "Cool"? But wait, there's one more. This one beats all!! Hold on to your hats...
Jekyl and Hyde!!! Hope we made you laugh-or at least chuckle! Blessings! |
The Princess!
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And they are the best reasons to be one! You wouldn't believe what I went through to get this picture on here-It was frustrating to say the least. Being a mom is a hard job as we all know. I struggle on a daily basis with what to do, what to say, and how to be. My pastor's wife read a little excerpt today that had me in tears. It was about how children become who they are by watching you-not necessarily because of the things you say-but more so because of the things you do. My heart broke as I sat there recalling all the times I have failed them, and all of the mistakes I make every day. I am ashamed of those things-I felt like writing the word REGRETS on a piece of paper and placing them at the altar this morning, but I knew in my heart that physically doing that would not do me any good. I know we as moms have to spiritually lay those regrets at the feet of Jesus. On this day, I do not deserve to be honored, or lauded with praise. I have too many regrets. But I pray that one day my children can rise up and call me blessed. I pray that God makes me different than I am-better, a better Mother to those He has placed in my hands for a time. Happy Mother's Day to every mom. And savor your reason's for motherhood every day that God gives you breath. Leave behind your regrets and love with all that is in you, knowing that God is the one who guides our steps. His ways are perfect. |
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Have you ever found yourself disobeying that commandment. Boy, have I been bad tonight! I went to a baby shower at our Pastor's house and they have a beautiful house that I coveted. And all the nice things too. Sounds bad doesn't it. I also know the trials that they have been through up to this point and wouldn't want to have walked in their shoes to get there! Still, I find it hard not to look around wishing and dreaming that MY house could be like this or that. I do it all too often, and I hate that I do it. I really do just want to be content with what I have, who I am, and what God has placed in my life at this time. I don't want riches, or fame, I guess I just want more than what I have at present. Then when you have more-you always want more don't you? My heart knows what is right, but my flesh gets in the way some times!! So, I just have to look around me and thank God that I don't have more rooms to clean than I do, and ask Him to help me get the rooms I DO have clean! LOL That's a whole other story-we got a dog if that tells you anything. My living room carpet hasn't been the same since and I'm not too happy about it! I will try harder to be content with what I have. I am surrounded by loved ones and I have food and raiment. That is a blessing in and of itself! Who cares about all the other stuff?(okay, well, me, sometimes). But I am going to work on it! God isn't unhappy with what I have, why should I be? Really! That makes me feel a whole lot better!! :-) God is good-why can't I get that through my thick head?? |
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We piled our kiddos in the van this morning at 7:45am, drove two hours, and landed in West Bend to visit my mom and dad. The church my dad founded was having a mortgage burning today. Tomorrow morning my parents are rushing off to Florida to visit my sister and her family. So, we went to see them. The ride there was long, the service was very long, and the ride home was even longer. There was very little conversation between my parents and I, as a matter of fact, I do not think my dad said more than ten words to me. BUT, he always talks to the grandkids, and he did so today as well-I think he really enjoys them! My mom was glad to see us-she usually is. After the lunch that was served, we drove to the home I spent the first five years of my life in. I felt like I was in the twilight zone, as I have never been back to see it before. There are some things I strongly remembered, and other things that just did not look familiar to me. Overall, it was an okay day-mostly done for my parents and children's sake. My husband and I try, but I think we both struggle with spending alot of time with my parents. I love them because I am supposed to. I reach out to them because that's what a good child does. I do not go the extra mile-I admit, and I sure could do more to honor them on birthdays and such. If you spent any amount of time with my parents you would understand, I think. As I watched my dad on the platform, I just felt like he was beginning to look really old. It made me think about the day when he will need care, or when he will pass away, and I was sad. At that moment I knew that I would be there for him, or mom if they were ill, or dying. I always questioned my heart about it because I am human, and carry baggage with me still. But when I saw him shaking a bit in his hands as he held up some booklets he wrote, I knew what was in my heart. My longings for normalcy have always been with me-though they wax and wane duller and duller from year to year. If I could wish one thing-if God looked down to me and asked me what I wanted in this whole wide world, I would ask Him to help my dad to see me. To see all of us. He's not mean and angry anymore-just a shadow of a man. I love him, and I want him to see me. He looks right through us now-I don't know what is in his heart-I wish I could see. But I can't. I was glad to be home when we got back. I just do not want my children to feel these same things as adults. I sometimes see my dad in me, and it scares me. I love my kids, but can be very selfish. I believe my dad loved us-but he was very selfish about certain things-as am I. I just need to get past the past-and still fight the negativity to this day. My kids deserve better than this! |
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This post is for YOU. The one that said I am praying for you, or had some word of encouragement for me. Some of you I have known almost all of my life. Some of you I have never met. But I have been so very blessed by your words. See, that is one of the things I need most. I suppose it is one of the reasons I started to blog-so that I did not feel so alone! I was doing pretty bad when I wrote my last post-I am doing a bit better. I just didn't expect so many comments-and since I do not have much time to respond personally right now-I just want to thank all of you for your thoughtfulness. It means more to me than you know! Blessings to all of you!! |
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I am not doing very well. I feel like I am spiraling downward into a bout of depression. Things had been going SO well, but this past week and a half, I have been fighting these feelings, thinking I am overreacting. I am back to thinking the worst about things, and feeling very overwhelmed and tired. I have been extremely unmotivated, which has affected our schooling terribly. I am going through all the thoughts in my mind that I just do not measure up to the standard of homeschooling-whatever that is. I see it all around me, but can't describe it. That feeling just makes me so angry. Like I will never be a good mom, or a good teacher. I have been mean, and impatient, and unable to enjoy the simple things that I love about life. It makes me want to stop everything. It makes me want peace and quiet, and solitude. Something I cannot have as a mom and teacher. So I stay up too late to get it, then I sleep in too late in the morning in order to catch up as the day goes haywire because of it. A vicious cycle has returned to me. I do not want it. It's not easy to change-and I think my lack of ability to has only made me feel worse about everything. I am going to give it a few more weeks and see how it goes. I am not doing well at all. I haven't been writing, because lately, I just don't care-another bad sign. Please pray for me and my family if you are a reader here. I do not want to stay here. My biggest struggle in all of this is trying to understand why I feel the way I do. I finally decided to take medicine which made a huge difference!! But now, I am questioning my decision-or wondering if I need to do more. My kids need their mom to be healthy-please pray for us! |
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The cold weather-warm weather-cold weather syndrome has brought insanity to my home. I was trying to understand why I feel the way I do, and why the kids are all kind of nuts right now. Just a few days ago they were all out riding bikes, playing in the dirt in our back yard building roads and keeping very busy. but it snowed pretty good all day yesterday and although they were outside for a while-it's just not the same. They were even sad that it snowed-and that is unheard of in my kids! Yes, we are all ready to be outside in the sun all day, claening the yard, playing in the kiddie pool, planting in the dirt, riding bikes, walking to the park, etc, etc, etc. Especially me! When we are able to go out it makes it easier on us when we are in, if you know what I mean. We get cabin fever every year, and are so ready to get out in the sun every day. Even though we still have a few months left of school work-I think it is going to go by so fast and I am so excited about summertime. I am looking forward to the trips to the pool, grilling out in the evenings and going on long bike rides with the kids. I love it! Anyways, hopefully it will warm up around here soon so we can get out of this house! AAAAAAGH! Before we all go a little coocoo-wait a minute-we already are! LOL |
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Can I just tell you what OB1 did today? We did not have our lessons today because I did not want to. Yup, that's right, that's the reason. See, this weekend was so busy that it wore me out and I set my mind to resting today, and so, I did. I slept in way too late and got ready for the day later than I would like to admit. I asked OB1, who turns nine on Sunday, to fix breakfast for the kids. He made French toast, and had them all eat at the dining room table. My sister thought I was crazy, but he has made breakfast with me so many times, I can't even count. While I still lay groggily in my bed, my children went out to the back yard to play. I heard something that sounded like they were out of the fence-and they knew they were not supposed to leave the yard. I angrily darted out of my bed, ran down to the side door, ready to spew forth my anger, when I saw OB1 dragging the garbage out to the front of the house. I picked my mouth up off the floor and ran to the back yard to see the other three playing. I was relieved and proud. Then, while I was putzing around the house and yard, OB1 got the notion in his mind to clean out the garage. No, I didn't plant it there. Don't you think if I did I would take the credit for it? At first I said no because it was a BIG job-and I mean BIG-too much for him to tackle alone. And I sure wasn't planning on conquering a mountain on MY day of "rest". He kept assuring me he could and would do it-so, I figured it couldn't hurt to see what he could do. I mean it couldn't possible have looked any worse than it did. I went in the house to do whatever it is I was doing and checked out the back window and saw all four of my children carrying stuff out of the garage-I was very nervous because all the stuff was now no longer hidden, and I wasn't sure if this job was finishable without me-at least without Daddy seeing a huge mess in the yard when he got home. But, I let it go. I just kept thinking-I have to give him a chance to do this. I am so glad that I did!! In the end I went out to help him get it all finished before Dad came home and it looks great!! We told Dad the lawn mower was broken so he would go into the garage mad and then get a big surprise-he was VERY surprised. It was nice! Hubby went and mowed the front lawn, and then OB1 asked to mow the back. Yup, he mowed the yard too. I thing I have a new nick name for him. The Motivator! He had me out cleaning the garage on my day of REST. I then came in, got dinner on the table, and cleaned the downstairs. I am just so proud of all he accomplished today-amazed and proud. For all the grief he can cause, he is twice the pleasure! Thanks OB1!! |