*Sigh*  Today was one of those major meltdown days that leave me questioning my adequacy to even parent my Kid With Attention Difficulties, let alone homeschool him.  I have been here many times before, and it does not get any easier.  (And in case you're wondering, no, I  did not have the meltdowns; my KWAD did.  But on days like today, I am generally just inches away from melting down myself.  Where is that chocolate-filled padded cell when I need it?)

...By the way, if you are one of those people who doesn't believe in the existence of Attention Deficit, then you might want to go read somebody else's blog today instead of mine.  Yes, i know that was a cranky thing to say.  I said it anyway.  I had a bad day, OK?...

Once this kind of day gets underway, it can be very very difficult to change its course;  even when, by much prayer and gentle conversation, we manage to find some moments of calmness, the frustration returns sooner or later (usually sooner) and the meltdowns escalate.  Happily for me, Huz happened into the house today in the middle of one such episode and was able to provide me with some needed support & backup.  We have tried various means of dealing with this type of thing, and the way I dealt with it today was physical work.  It did seem to have a positive effect, and the day had actually turned around by about 4:00.  Of course by that time we were way "behind" on things and all worn out besides.  Much as I would have liked to just cancel what we had left to do and chalk it up to being "one of those days", I didn't feel that that would be sending a very good message to either of the kids-- the one who caused the problem and the one who didn't.  So hooray :-P, we get to spend our Saturday finishing our week's schoolwork.  Just what I wanted to do.

I feel very sorry for poor Fuzz sometimes.  Her needs and desires so often end up playing 2nd-fiddle to the high-needs older brother.  She has so much potential, so much enthusiasm for learning & doing, and homeschooling her alone would be such a breeze and such a joy.  Yet I can't quite give her the time & attention & guidance she needs when almost all of it has to go to this 2-year-old... oh, wait, I forgot; he's eleven.  I sometimes wonder whether she will ever fully blossom being stuck in this homeschool with a highly ADH classmate and a frazzled, overstressed, AD-afflicted teacher/mom.  (Even as I write this, though, i am struck by the sense that, yes, she is being fed and will continue to do fine-- although I kind of hate to admit that because it ruins my pity party.)

I have realized for a couple years now that we are no longer doing Spaz a favor by eschewing medication.  I believe that doing so was a good thing, for a while.  But for the last couple years we have simply been stubbornly holding onto an ideal and refusing to face reality.  I'm going to do dietary things and those brain exercises with him, I'd tell myself, as soon as I can just get my act together enough to do it.  As though that would ever happen.  The reality is that i will never have my act together enough to do those things, in part because I have AD issues as well.  (I did try meds for myself but saw little difference for the money.  Of course, it probably would have helped if I could have remembered to take them regularly.)  It is time to be realistic and realize that the ideal isn't always reachable.  Huz & I with our own boggled brains can do only so much, and we have probably reached the end of what we can do. It is no longer enough just to keep hanging in there and try to teach coping skills and accomodate his special needs.  We now have ADH meets adolescence, and it isn't pretty.  And we haven't even hit the really volatile ages yet.  I am not just talking about meltdowns and frustration and lack of focus, either.  We have a highly impulsive 11-year-old who cut his hair in Sunday School because "I was bored and the scissors were there"-- dare we think about what he might do at 15 when he's bored and faced with far worse temptations than scissors?  We'd better be thinking about it, before it is too late.

Spaz is truly a great kid, and when he is able to control his emotions, he is loving and tender and really has a heart for other people and for God.  We, esp. Huz, have told him since he was very little that "God is going to use you, buddy."  We just have to do our part as parents to equip him to become a man of God.  And that means doing whatever we have to do to help him help himself.  So here we are.

These are not new thoughts arising out of a single "bad day".  They have been brewing between Huz & me for many, many months.  We have already- finally- gotten the ball rolling ever so slightly on medication, meaning we called the local ADHD "specialist" Dr. to inquire about an appointment.  But there are so many hindrances, including high fees & crummy insurance (self-employed, remember?), the resulting indecision about which doctor to use, and of course that nagging ever-present idealism.  Given those factors along with our own difficulty in following thru on things, I can only pray that we actually will see this through.

Well, I really didn't mean to go into all that.  I only wanted to vent about my day.  And so i did... plus.  To all who made it this far, thanks for reading.

I should add that, once the Meltdown Monster finally made its exit, we had a rather pleasant and uneventful evening.  Just what we all needed! (Thank you, Lord!)  I am praying that our time of schoolwork and chores tomorrow will be equally calm.