As our impromptu trip was being hurriedly put together, it had occurred to me more than once that it was probably a crazy thing to do. Setting out for a destination 700 miles away with just a 12-year-old for company. Driving Huz’ Yukon across the Alleghenies. Delivering product to a customer. Taking a gigantic historical field trip. It was all way too much adventure for a boring, middle-aged SAHM. Which is precisely why I knew I had to do it.
I’ve always lived this dependent sort of existence. Lived at home my first 3 years of college, got married, had my first child 2 months after college graduation, and have been a stay-at-home mom ever since. I chose motherhood as my career out of idealism, I think, and a sense that it was the right thing to do. But after 20 years of being home with kids 24/7, I often find myself desiring something different. A part-time job, maybe. Even a career. A life. A one-way ticket to California. An adventure. Something.
Not that I’ve never had an adventure. Seven-and-a-half years ago, I boarded a plane for Munich to visit a friend, leaving behind a husband and four kids ages 1 to 12 for nine days. It was refreshing, inspiring, confidence-building… while it lasted. And then I came home and went back to doing the same old, same old. And it’s gotten old. Again.
I have been in a rut lately, and by lately I mean “for years”, but especially since turning 40. Being “just a mom”, or even a “homeschool mom” no longer seems like the noble calling it once did and no longer seems like enough. It should be enough, but increasingly it isn’t. I am tired of my unexciting life, tired of spending my days trying to make kids do stuff they don’t want to do, tired of my lack of ambition and initiative and discipline and organization, tired of relationships that aren’t what I wish they were, tired of trying to make life work. Tired of laboring and seeing little fruit. Tired of not being who I want to be. Tired of unmet expectations in myself and others. Tired of trying to reconcile my lofty ideals with my earthly reals. Tired of feeling like I'm not very good at what I do. Tired.
There are many things I’ve wanted to do with my kids, many places I’ve wanted to go, but I lack ambition and initiative to do them. I have great ideas but rarely put legs on them. I’m kind of a do-nothing. But I am also somewhat of an opportunist, or try to be, and this delivery that needed to be made was an opportunity. Out of my comfort zone, but an opportunity nonetheless. An opportunity not just to help out my husband, but to go somewhere and do something and maybe kinda sorta be someone. Not “just a mom”, but “a mom who takes her kid on a road trip”. And so I was.
Doing the trip made me feel empowered. Independent. Capable. Confident. “I am not just a Homeschool Mom anymore. I’m going to be The Homeschool Mom Who Takes Her Kids on Road Trips!” (While Hubby stays home and works to pay for them, of course.) Even upon our return home, I managed to retain my positive outlook. It helped that my first day back was a Saturday. It helped to sit in church Sunday morning and listen to a sermon about giving all my worries to God. Even as reality nudged its way into my consciousness, I was able to remain upbeat. “OK, so I probably won’t end up doing many road trips. But I can still do life better. If I could do that, I can handle the everyday issues. After all, I’m a capable woman!”
Yeah. But like the snow, whose absence I so appreciated during my trip but which greeted me once again as I eased off the expressway 3 miles from home, everyday life must needs return. And it has. Welcome to my Monday.
Not just any Monday. The Monday after an extended Christmas break. The Monday we get back to "schooling" after a 3-1/2-week hiatus. That dreaded, difficult 1st-week-of-January did not disappear with our trip; it was simply delayed an additional week. Adding to the difficulty is the fact that because of the trip, I didn't do the preparation and restructuring I had planned to do. (Not that I necessarily would have completed it anyway, but I like to delude myself that way.) We had a “light” day, but even so, it was fraught with the usual issues. Spaz Issues, mostly. Issues of attitude, diligence, time management, obedience. Issues that were present to a certain degree on the road trip, but are ever so much more frustrating in the context of everyday life.
Not only that, but in my absence, the recycling bin did not get taken to the curb. And Froot Loops mysteriously appeared in my pantry and are now being ingested by my children.
Real life is here again. "I am woman, hear me roar" has given way to "I am homeschool mom, hear me yell/cry/mope/stress out."
   
*Sigh*
On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…
But I can’t escape into another road trip. I am already on a road, and I have to stay the course. I had prayed before I left that God would somehow use my adventure to strengthen me and strengthen my relationships and somehow equip me to keep on keeping on along my everyday road. I don’t know how He will do that, but I trust that He will.
“And on this road to righteousness, sometimes the climb can be so steep
I may falter in my steps, but never beyond Your reach
Oh God, You are my God, and I will ever praise You…”
Please pass the Froot Loops, with a side of ibuprofen. |
but i can so relate to this post. i can actually get lost in the routine of things and so rarely think about the time when i had a "career" and thought about me and what i wanted to do.
btw, doing the photos thing, my hobby and it makes me feel like i am doing something other that motherhood, laundry and homeschooling, though my pictures never get me anywhere.
i'm always wishing for an opportunity to work from home. to use my mind and my master's degree which sits gathering dust, while taking care of the business of motherhood.
so start planning your next trip. planning goes a long way toward satisfying those dreams.
(glad i popped over:))