Original Title: Spaz and the No-Bad, Wonderful, Very Good Day
I wish I could take Spaz’ attitude and work habits today, bottle them up, and spray them on him every morning. Things were that good. Not perfect, but very, very good. And that is very, very unusual. (Oh, Lord, let it become the norm! Amen.)
He woke up on his own and was not a bear about it. He asked what he needed to do today and then practiced piano and did his morning things without further reminder. He barely grouched at or argued with me. He didn’t provoke his sister. He grudgingly accepted the fact that, even though “school” is supposed to be “over” for now, he’d still have to read from the Civil War bookbox and continue working on memorizing the Gettysburg Address. He learned a new job in Huz’ shop, caught on amazingly quickly, and worked fast and well. He joined Fuzz and me in weeding along the driveway, completed his section most amiably and without complaining or goofing around, and then did tomorrow’s section as well.
Now maybe for some of your kids, that would not be remarkable. For Spaz, it was extraordinary. And all I could think was, Wow. And, Who are you and what have you done with my kid and would you please come back tomorrow? And, Lord, what do I need to do to have him this way all the time?
His pleasant demeanor, hard work, and focus today can’t be attributed to any sort of food or sleep circumstances that I can think of. We did have a happy and relaxed Sunday (which isn’t always the case), and perhaps that helped. But after much thought, I can only conclude that credit goes primarily to two factors to which I’ve already alluded. One, it is our first day of “summer break” from regular schooling. And two, he began his day (and spent much of it) out in the shop doing some paying work for Dad. If I had to give a slightly greater weight to one of those, it would be the second. And I think that, important as it was, the “paying” aspect of the work took a secondary role to the “out in the shop” aspect and the “for Dad” aspect.
Barely any schoolwork, earning money, and working with Dad. I suppose that for a twelve-year-old boy, it doesn’t get much better than that. (Well, for an unexciting day at home, I mean.)
Now here's where I launch into lengthy analysis about boys & moms, so be forewarned.
Someone remarked to me a little over a year ago that “adolescent boys just aren’t meant to be home with their mothers all day”. I had never thought about this, but it was a comment worth chewing on. It made sense to me. In discussing this concept with other homeschool moms of pre-teen boys, I found that it made sense to them as well. God created boys to grow into men, and part of that process involves breaking away from their mothers a bit. That is not to say that adolescent boys shouldn’t be homeschooled, though that may be the case for some. I think the real gist of it is that pre-teen & teen boys aren’t meant to be ordered around and managed by their mothers all day, and that they need someone other than Mom to hold them accountable.
It makes sense, but sometimes, it’s easier said than done. Especially with boys who are unfocused and who don’t manage their time and work very well. They don’t want their moms running their lives, nor do we want to; yet we feel obligated to do so if they are not doing a good job of it themselves. I have really made it a goal this year to help Spaz become more self-managing, and while he still has a long way to go, he has definitely improved. I find that the more things he does independently, the better we get along.
I have been making an intentional and up-front effort to start treating him as a young man instead of a little boy. (That is, when I remember!) It takes some deliberateness on my part, as I have a tendency to see him as younger than he really is. Due to both his severe ADHD and his third-child-five-years-younger-than-the-second-child status, I’ve expected much less of him than I did of his older sibs. He and Fuzz have always been lumped together as “the little ones”, and it has taken a conscious effort to separate them in my mind, break that label, and modify my expectations to their age levels. I frequently remind him (and myself!) that he is becoming a young man and that I am trying to treat him like one.
Along with trying to shift more responsibility to him (and trust me, I don’t do it as well as I should), I have also attempted to shift more of the accountability factor to Huz, who has cooperated quite well. While I am still schoolmeister and primary choremeister, Huz has recently endeavored to be more involved with assigning and overseeing some of the latter for Spaz. He’s also made a valiant effort to hold him accountable for his actions and attitude. Of course, it helps tremendously that Huz works from his own shop 30 feet from our house. Not only does it make for easier accountability & correction when needed, but it also allows for “throwing the football with Dad” breaks throughout Spaz’ day, which helps to temper the “stuck at home with females” factor for him.
But still.
All that effort doesn’t often result in smooth days and happy, respectful attitudes. Not that Spaz is horrid; quite the opposite. He is a great kid who loves people and enjoys learning, but struggles with focus and with doing what he’s supposed to do when he’s supposed to do it. He’s easily distracted and frustrated, with a resulting tendency to lapse into emotional outbursts and less-than-stellar attitudes. None of that occurred today, which is why it was such a refreshing, lovely, remarkable day. I can only surmise that it had a lot to do with the fact that his main activity of the day was doing work for Dad rather than schoolwork and chores for Mom.
Unfortunately, that isn't how most of our days will go this summer. And equally unfortunately, with Spaz, nothing is ever predictable. Even if we could duplicate today's circumstances, we are not necessarily guaranteed similar results. But having one great day like today is an encouragement, both to Spaz and to us.
I wonder whether I can just rewind the day and play it again tomorrow? |
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I love those days when you get to see them becoming men :) Makes me smile and thank God that I get to see that.
What you say about boys not needing to be controlled by their moms makes total sense. And as I have three boys, one already well into puberty and two coming up in a couple of years...something that I need to continue to bear in mind.
Dh, here, has stepped up quit a bit lately. He's showing them, not just telling them, that God is important. That learning is important. That manners do have their place. It's a real relief to me when he gives them some kind of goal for the day. And they WANT to please their dad. Now, if I can get him to lay out their school goals as well, then I will start making my job obsolete...and I will have more time for blogging ;)
~C