Does it make me a bad mom to say that I have been looking forward to this week? That I told more than one person at camp that “Friday afternoon (when I pick the kids up) is coming all too soon for me”? That when the friend I carpooled to camp with lamented at how much she’d miss having her kids around, I said, “I won’t miss it a bit”?
(Spoiler warning: I was wrong.)
Now, don’t misunderstand; I love my kids. But I also love solitude. I don’t like being with people 24/7, especially people who, like, need me. My kids are my job, and who doesn’t like having some time off work? Four days of not having to: delegate chores (even though that means I have to do them myself), make sure the piano gets practiced, remind kids to clean up their messes in the kitchen and everywhere else in the house, break up squabbles, limit computer time, answer questions, dole out corrections and reprimands… Four days of not being on call.
Well, sort of. I still have a husband and a 17-year-old here. I still will have to do some nagging reminding about chores and cleaning up. I’ll still have to make meals. But it’s definitely different without the youngers around. I've had kids under age ten at home for nearly 21 years now, and all of a sudden, for a few days, I don't.
So again I ask, does it make me a bad mom that I enjoy getting rid of my kids sending my kids off on a wonderful adventure away from home for a few days?
I don’t actually want to know the answer to that question.
Then what if I tell you that I find, to my surprise, that I very much miss Fuzz? She is my baby and a real Momma’s Girl, and it is her first time being away at sleepover camp, and it just feels very, very strange to have her there.
She has friends and her cousin among her cabin-mates, and another cousin is one of her CITs. She has a cozy little corner bunk that I think is the best of the lot, with her cousin right above. She has her favorite leopard-print pjs and two of her squishy pillows. She has a couple books to read at night. She has new sneakers. She has Jesus. But still, I worry.
When Spaz started going to church camp, I worried a little. Mostly about his counselors. But with Fuzz, I worry about her. I know she will be loved and cared for; I wouldn’t send my children there if I had any doubts about that. But will she be okay? Will she feel comfortable? Will she have fun? Will she have a meltdown if some little thing goes wrong? Will she fit right in with her cousin and friends and other cabin-mates, or will she hang back and leave herself out? Will somebody look at her funny and hurt her sensitive little feelings? Will she be lonely at bedtime without me to tuck her in?
Cheez went away to camp for the first and only time at age 12, and Huz moped and pined. I didn’t. When she went to Mexico last year, Huz moped and pined. I didn’t. When Spaz went to church camp the last two summers, Huz moped and pined. I didn’t. I’m not a clingy, mopey, piney mom. Kids are great, but I can get along fine without them. I thought he was being silly.
But today, I dropped my Baby off at camp. And now I am the one moping and pining.
I can’t quite seem to enjoy the solitude that I had so craved. Having Spaz away at camp is no big deal, but having Fuzz away at camp is. It’s an odd feeling. I’m a little sad. I don’t miss having kids around, but I somehow miss her. I don’t think I could explain or understand my feelings even if I wrote pages and pages. So I won’t even try.
I hope she will be okay. I hope I will be okay.
So I have a little bit of a Mommy Heart after all.
I was interrupted just a few minutes ago by Huz’ announcement that there was a baby robin perched on the recycle bin in the garage. Undoubtedly, it is one of the baby robins who was hatched in the nest atop the opener in our third garage stall. We have been keeping tabs on these baby birds since before they hatched. They were eggs, then they were tiny baby birds, then they were bigger baby birds, craning their little necks to peer out of the nest at the big wide world around them. Or the big wide garage around them, as it were. And now, one had flown the nest. I went to look and there it was, balancing on the edge of the bin, scared but steady, looking around at the new world it had just entered.
The parallels are painfully obvious.
And I don’t think the momma robin is moping and pining.
Lord, bless my kids at camp this week. Show them Your love in a very real way, and help them to show that love to others. Let it be a wonderful, wonderful experience for both of them.
Help me to make the most of my time to myself this week, and help me especially to make the most of my time with Cheez. She will be taking a much bigger step into the big wide world before too long. Let it be a special, memorable time for us. Help me to be at peace and enjoy this time you have given me.
And Lord, take care of my Baby. Love on her this week in a big way. Love on all four of my Babies. Thank you for being with them even when I am not.
And now, enough of this silly, moping, mommy stuff. I have plans for this week. I’m going to go… do something.
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Two weeks ago our 13 y.o. went to camp by himself for the first time. I was great until Wednesday. That night, I realized how much I missed him. Plus there was the fact that our 10 y.o. does not know what to do w/out his bb around.
I cannot imagine the day when my baby goes off to do something on his own.
4 days? That's not too long. It'll be here before you know it, they dump their laundry on you and start begging to be fed.
~C