This song has been near and dear to my heart for a very long time, but especially so in the last two weeks. I got my family back and the first two days were spent catching up and listening to story after story of the trip. The energy and excitement in my husband was just amazing. He was so full of joy and excitement and the trip was everything I prayed it would be for him.

      Then, quite unexpectedly, I was caught off guard by the little green monster of envy. Why, Lord? What do I have to be jealous of. Please forgive me and help me to get through this. I was completely and totally consumed and couldn't figure out why. God answered my prayers about the trip and all the worries I had concerning it were completely answered.

      Nevertheless, the homecoming was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. My husband experienced great joy on his trip, something he has not truly experienced, but I've prayed for, for many long years. I haven't seen this joy in him since early in our marriage and his acceptance of Christ as Savior. It made me sad and jealous that I had not been on the trip to experience it with him and to see this joy first hand, and that someone else was there to share it with him. When he got home he was a little depressed because he missed the D.R. and the friends he'd made, and yet all I wanted from him was for him to be totally excited to be back home with us. It was very difficult for him too, because he struggled with the same thing, wanting to be home with his family, yet truly missing the team he worked with and the people he ministered among.

      I tried to keep my jealousy from him because I didn't want to take any joy about the trip away from him. I didn't want to get him down. Yet, that's exactly what I did.  He asked me a question one night, that I had to answer honestly and I know it hurt him and it began a long time of discussion and tears and pain for both of us. He began to feel guilty about going on the trip, even though I assured him he had done nothing wrong, and that Satan was just trying to use me to  ruin the trip for him and I was weak.

      Tears flowed everyday for the first week. We had some good discussions and in many ways have been brought even closer than we ever were before. We had one major disagreement, in which I truly made him angry, though I didn't mean to and I just about lost it. I went for a drive alone crying and screaming at God and telling Him I couldn't live this way anymore. When I didn't get the immediate answers I wanted I told God I hated him and didn't want Him in my life anymore.

      Not a very proud moment for me. I got home and went to bed. As soon as the kids were in bed, my husband pulled me close, apologized and held me while I cried and told him about my drive. I  begged God's forgiveness and my dear hubby assured me God had already forgiven me. What a truly awesome man he is. This was the beginning of some more very special time for us and growing closer to each other and closer to God.

      However, he is still in a place where he needs to find the joy back in the reality of our world, where work is tough, he comes home exhausted every night, and money is tight, just covering our bills with nothing extra to spare. I need to be more understanding, and less needy. I'm not usually a very needy person. I am usually the strong one. However, these past two weeks I have felt so needy and have not truly placed it in God's hands as I really need to do.

      This was a tough post to write because I had to make some confessions about the struggles I have been experiencing of late. However, I felt so alone during this time, like no one has ever felt this way before or could possibly understand. I believed that if I wrote this post honestly it may be a blessing to someone else out there who is feeling alone and desperate in their own struggles. God is listening. He feels every teardrop that you cry, and he wants to remind you that for those tears he died.

    Remember too: Tears are the materials from which God weaves the brightest rainbows.

Thank you for sharing this very open post with us. I know that we all struggle at times. The enemy is always looking for a way to come in and destroy our peace.
Ruth

Yes I have been there it is like going on a retreat and all the time you walk closely with the Lord only to have to come home and do dishes.

You may not have been with him, but YOU are the one he came home to tell his stories too. And the joy of knowing your son saw him in this state is such a gift for both of them.

I pray the next mission trip is one you can take as a family and that the Lord uses all the emotions to create passion for each other and ministry for you both. May he keep the drugery of the everyday at bay!

Because of Jesus, Bobbie