Well, I said I couldn't wait but I wish I had! No really.  I now know that I am exactly where I need to be.  As a result of this post and other things that should remain private, someone found something I had written anonymously on another board.  How they found it was not really the right thing to do but in the end they found it and I am responsible for what I said. 

I had said some very unkind things about these people (family members) because they had hurt me.  My pride was dented, my feelings hurt and instead of walking in the Spirit, I did what all of us humans do, I walked in my flesh.  I did not call them and tell them I was hurt, I went somewhere and vented.  I vented so much that really everything I posted had nothing to do with what had actually taken place.  It started out with that but ended in saying things just to be hurtful and get others to agree with me.  It was wrong and I am ashamed.

When this person sent it to me they were very upset, rightly so.  I do not blame them for being shocked that I would say such things.  To be honest, I can't believe I said them either.  As I re-read my post it was like some crazy person took over my mind and said things that I truly don't feel toward them.  It is a terrible thing to see when we can see our flesh so clearly after the fact. 

Now, this was a year ago and when I posted all that, I was spoken to very clearly by a good friend.  She corrected me and I had truly let it go and I knew that it wasn't true.  I had said that later but that doesn't matter.  I never deleted the post.  Oh I wish I had because it was deleted from my heart and from my mind but you know how it is, when something is in print, that remains.  I am not very computer smart and never thought that someone would find it, after all it would take someone to not just search my name but to try possible usernames.  I also knew it was just a rant and a vent and it was not taken serious after that.  Now, a year later, it was found and I have had to apologize for it.  Rightly so.

So, why am I putting this here?  So that if you read this you will hopefully learn what I have needed to learn and hopefully you will not  have to learn the hard way like myself.

First, in James we do indeed read:

12Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

 13Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:

 14But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed.

 15Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.

 16Do not err, my beloved brethren.

 17Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

 18Of his own will begat he us with the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

 19Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

 20For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.

 21Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.

 22But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.

 23For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass:

 24For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was.

 25But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed.

 26If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.

 27Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.

3:2For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.

 3Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.

 4Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.

 5Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!

 6And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.

 7For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:

 8But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

 9Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.

 10Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

 11Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?

 12Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.

 13Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.

 14But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth.

 15This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish.

 16For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.

 17But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy.

 18And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace of them that make peace

I did not bridle my tongue.  Instead of taking my hurt to the One who can truly help, and if I had initially and not after the fact, none of this would have happened.  Instead I walked in my flesh and tried to work it out in my flesh and the result was definately not good.

Then we read in 1 Corinthians 13:

1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.

 2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.

 3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

 4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

 5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

 6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

 7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

 8Charity never faileth:

9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.

 10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.

 11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

 12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

I was not being loving or any of the things that love requires us to do when we feel hurt or slighted. I was clanging brass. I was going through a very rough time emotionally then, I was very depressed and it was evident how far I had gone away from the Truth by my posting my feelings and the things I had said.  One of the worst things is that these two people whom I hurt have been seriously hurt by others in their lives.  In this one moment I did something that reminded them of the very people that they loved who hurt them so deeply for so long. I dredged up the hurt that they carry around and instead of being a balm in their lives, I was salt on the wound.  Instead of showing them Jesus, I showed them flesh.  I know this side of Heaven that will happen but I am still so very sorry it did.

So, I know that being saved does not mean we are instantly perfect. I know that this is a process that involves learning and in my case, sometimes learning the hard way.

1. Job 5:17
   Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty:
   Job 5:16-18 (in Context) Job 5 (Whole Chapter)
2. Proverbs 3:11
   My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction:
   Proverbs 3:10-12 (in Context) Proverbs 3 (Whole Chapter)
3. Hebrews 12:5
   And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him:
   Hebrews 12:4-6 (in Context) Hebrews 12 (Whole Chapter)
4. Hebrews 12:7
   If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?
   Hebrews 12:6-8 (in Context) Hebrews 12 (Whole Chapter)
5. Hebrews 12:11
   Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.
   Hebrews 12:10-12 (in Context) Hebrews 12 (Whole Chapter)

So, God took it seriously too and you know, back when I wrote that, He saw that there was unrighteousness in me.  This did not catch Him by surprise.  After all, that is why He died for me.  He knew that I would struggle in this area because of my own unresolved anger and pain.  He knew that I would need to be taught and corrected.  He has brought this out for a very distinct purpose.  To chasten me but I see something else here too.  Not only have I been in bondage to fear and insecurity, so have these two wonderful people.  They too have been wounded and they were starting to trust me.  Trust is a HUGE thing to them as they have not had many people to trust in their lives.  I just gave them one big huge reason to not trust me.  I gave place for the Devil and boy is he running with it!!

So, to de-fang the Lion whom seeks to devour your soul (and mine!) I have learned that I need to be on my guard more.  I need to let this be a time where God's Word has it's perfect work because I neeeeeeeeeeed this.  I do not want to allow this again.  I'm sure I will as I am human and will never be perfect this side of heaven.  All I can do is to keep reading these scriptures and asking God to work this into my life. Then apologize when I get it wrong.

Like Corrie Ten Boom, in my own strength there is nothing:

Romans 7:5
For when we were in the flesh, the motions of sins, which were by the law, did work in our members to bring forth fruit unto death

Romans 7:18
For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
Romans 7:17-19 (in Context) Romans 7 (Whole Chapter)

Romans 7:25
I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.
Romans 7:24-25 (in Context) Romans 7 (Whole Chapter)

Romans 8:1
There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
Romans 8:1-3 (in Context) Romans 8 (Whole Chapter)

Romans 8:3
For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh:
Psalm 34:18
The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit

Psalm 143:10
Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.
Psalm 143:9-11 (in Context) Psalm 143 (Whole Chapter)

Proverbs 1:23
Turn you at my reproof: behold, I will pour out my spirit unto you, I will make known my words unto you.
Proverbs 1:22-24 (in Context) Proverbs 1 (Whole Chapter)

Proverbs 11:13
A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter

In the Spirit there is everything.  I cannot change myself, only God can change me and I know that is why this is brought about.  With Him, there will be change and hopefully, Satan will get it stuck in his eye!  I would love to see Redemption occur and complete forgiveness from them toward me and me toward them.  I can only do my part.  My part was to apologize, which I did and to now ask God to forgive me, which I did and His answer is Yes.  Now I can only pray that God will help me continue to learn as He teaches me and that He will also help them to heal.  I pray for them all the time.

So, that is what it means to be real.  That is what it means to be transparent and upfront about shortcomings as an opportunity arises to do so.  Like I said, I share this excerpt from my life with anyone who may happen across it as a warning to not let your flesh get the better of you, though it will because you are human too.  BUT! When you do, apologize and ask God to help you grow in this area.  I pray that we will all see the peaceable fruit of righteousness in our lives as we yield to our flesh and give it no more place in our lives. 

Now is the time to put away childish things and to grow up.  I didn't realize how much I needed to do this until this time.  Now I know, and now I will be wiser.

Colossians 4:6
Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man

Matthew 5:37
But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil