Just Taking Notes
Sep. 14, 2007 - A glimpse of God's holiness
I do not write much about my inner workings because it is so deeply personal, and I am so poor with words that I feel like I often misrepresent myself. My husband is a perfect complement to me in this way. Today however, I just need to get some thoughts out so please bear with me as I mutter out of my heart a little.
My husband and I recently started up our Bible study group 2 weeks ago after taking a little over a year off. Our warm up study before tackling a book of the Bible is RC Sproul's Holiness of God DVD series, a six week course. So far, I have watched the first session 2 times which deserves to be seen another 2-3 times before all of Dr. Sproul's words really sink into my thick head.
I am utterly sinful, completely selfish, prideful, critical and generally unloving. Makes you want to be my friend, doesn't it? Why would a HOLY God choose to save me? My prideful flesh would answer something like "Why wouldn't He?" It is only when we truly begin to understand God's Holiness that we can truly see our depravity. I am just beginning, after 16 years as a believer, to fear God and see His holiness.
After our guests left for home, and we were settling into bed for the night, I wanted to discuss the lesson with my husband, as I had missed most of the discussion time while tending to the children. Due to the fact that he was stressed over many things and on edge because of some of the discussion with our small group, and I was overly sensitive and hormonal, we ended up fighting and saying hurtful things to one another, most unintentionally though. It was a good fight. Refreshing and cleansing in the end. For me a much needed release and bathing in the Word by my husband. Humbling too. He is a good man with a good heart. We understand each other just a little better now.
There are times I look inside myself and hate what I see. I am ugly. I know I am saved by grace and that God loves me unconditionally, but the sin that I carry and enslave myself to is heavy. Oh, how I long for heaven, too be free of this mortal body and its sin, to be eternally in God's presence.
In the meantime I must press on, live daily by grace, be dead to sin and live for Christ, to take up my cross and follow Him- no matter the cost, no matter the pain, no matter what comes my way. My job here and now besides loving the Lord God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength, and loving my neighbor as myself is to love my husband and to train up my children for God. It is by far a harder job I could have ever imagined. |
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