Mar. 1, 2006 - It's A Caroline Day
Some days no matter how hard I try I can't get her out of my mind and I seem to stand still in time and pain, unable to move. Today is one of those days.
A little over a year ago, my oldest and only daughter and I went to visit my mid-wife for an ultra-sound. Didd was absolutely convinced that God was sending us her long awaited sister, Caroline Grace. However, after seven boys, we were more inclined to believe another boy was to bless our family. Wonder of Wonders, Didd was right and I cried with joy for two days. She had to do all the announcing because I couldn't stop the tears every time I thought of our little Caroline finally coming. I had been planning and dreaming of her for twelve years, and like a long awaited reunion with a loved one I could not contain my joy and excitement. I wasn't the only one. A few weeks later I called Didd at home and asked what she was doing and she had put 11 month old Caleb into Caroline's waiting pink dress from Mom. Exactly one month later our whole lives changed. On February 25, 2005, Caroline went home to be with Jesus. Seven weeks before she was to come home. That was a year ago. Since then everything has been in Caroline time. Birthdays without Caroline, Holidays without Caroline, Homeschool without Caroline....The world around me seems to go on without her, so why is mine standing still? How can everyone act like she was never a part of us, how can they not feel her and yearn you her as I do? I know in my heart that friends and family try to share my pain. I know they love me and Caroline but some days I feel so alone. Some days satan attacks and tells me God took Caroline home because I didn't deserve her, I wasn't a good enough mom. I know these are lies of the emeny and they must be rebuked. How he attacks!!! But in the midst of all this pain, I have a redeemer who holds me in the hollow of his hand. When I was holding my little girl and I couldn't find the words to even cry out to God, I know He was there. Even now, when I don't want to face a new day, I know God knows my pain. I can see His hand in so many things, "Because of Caroline". I know she lived every day she was suppose to live. I know that she is safe in the arms of Jesus and He controls all things. I know He doesn't make mistakes and above all, I know that I will have a lot of Caroline days.
( For whoever is reading this, please forgive my ramblings. Sometime I just need to talk about her. Sometimes I just need to hear her name and say it.)
Comments
Mar. 1, 2006 - I've been thinking of her also.
Posted by LearningGlory
I said a prayer for you.
Love & hugs to you.
-Tammy
Mar. 1, 2006 - Prayers
Posted by hugabunchmom
I have my whole family praying for you today. I cannot imagine your pain, God has only brought us close to others who have endured it. My mother lost her first child, and she had many days that were "Baby Girl" days that as children we didn't always understand. Now, they still sometimes happen. I only recently learned my sister's birthdate, she had lived to be three days old after arriving six weeks early. It wasn't until I was quite older that I realized the loss of never having that oldest sister I felt I should have had. Since that loss we have lost a 3 month old niece to SIDS and a five month old day care baby (years ago when I was running our family child care home) to SIDS. It is a huge loss, you have the right to having "Caroline" days. Just look to those other children God has entrusted to you, remember that HE will never leave you, and remember that because of your leadership and training for your other children, you will all be together again some day. In the meantime, God has given you a job--to love and raise the beautiful ones you have right now--He is holding Caroline, and she could not be in better hands than His.
Many prayers go up for you today.
Mar. 2, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Janne
I'm praying for you. I can't even fully imagine the pain.
Thank you for sharing Caroline with all of us. My friend Leslie (http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/rerlpr/) went through the same thing, and I am so glad that she shared. Because of her opening up, I feel a little like I got to know her precious son.
Imagine the awesome reunion you will have with Caroline someday in the presence of Jesus! You know, I don't know how people without Jesus can handle such a loss. How do they do it? How do they carry on when there is no hope?
Again, I'm praying for you. We lost a twin (my two year old's twin) early in pregnancy. I often look at my Curly-topped toddler and wonder what it would be like if her twin was here. Would it have been a girl or a boy? What would the child look like? Would he/she have the same personality and ringlets as my Curly-Top? These thoughts come to me often, and I never had the chance to even bond with that baby. I was only 5 weeks along at the time of the loss, and could only concentrate on saving baby #2. I cannot imagine how much more heartbreaking it would have been months later when I "knew" the baby.
(((HUGS)))
Mar. 3, 2006 - I'll be your friend
Posted by daybydaygrace
Hi my name is Traci, I haven't experienced what you are experiencing, but I almost lost my little girl while I was pregnant. The two upper chambers of her heart was missing until I got my church friends to pray and God touched her heart and now she is very healthy. I often sit and wonder what it would be like if I had lost her and then I start praising God for showing mercy to me and giving me my baby. Feel free to email me at zephani@aol.com and talk all you want, I'll listen.My homeschool blogger is homeschoolblogger.com/daybydaygrace I will be praying for you. Just remember God will never leave you nor forsake you.
Mar. 4, 2006 - Untitled Comment
Posted by KayinMaine
My heart goes out to you. I can only imagine how difficult it is to go on after something like that. I pray you feel the comforting arms of Jesus around you to ease the hurt.
Mar. 4, 2006 - Sometimes I just have to... TOO!
Posted by quietcajun
My oldest dd waited through only 3 brothers for her long-awaited sister... her name was Sarah Hope. She was due to be born March 17, 2000 (which was our 10th anniversary),but instead she was born Sept. 28, 1999. I held her tiny, but perfect little body and wept. I lived under a cloud of sorrow for the next two years even though Sept. 5, 2000 Hannah Gabrielle was born.
I STILL miss Sarah Hope. I stillneed to remember that she was here. I still ache to hold her. She will always be a part of our family.
And March and September are especially bittersweet months for me.
I am sorry about Caroline Grace (beautiful name, by the way!)
