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I have oodles of fun stuff to tell you -- but not tonight. Instead, I just have to say something that is very hard to say and may be very hard to hear. All of you, except for the random blog-surfer, know that I have been dealing with the chronic pain of fibromyalgia for years. Recently, God has seen fit to add cervical pain (arthritis and a bulging disc) also. I very much appreciate all your prayers and encouragement over these difficult months. (I am over the bout of exhaustion that hit after a whirlwind holiday and wedding season. Yea!) I do not like pain. Who does? It has been very, very difficult for me to accept that, unless God intervenes, I will be in pain every day for the rest of my life. Most of my days are "tolerable" with Vicodin. I never wanted to start with pain meds, but without it, I can't function. Even with it, I have to scale back my activities. That frustrates me. But my comfort in all of this is that God is in control, that His love for me is boundless and that all of my circumstances are for my good and for His glory! But on the really bad days, nothing helps. On those days, which are only a few times a month, I am tempted to despair. And my life looms in front of me as an unending sea of pain. At those times, I feel like a caged dog surrounded by horrible, hate-filled little boys who sadistically stab at me with sticks. I run round and round in my "cage", trying to find some escape or some refuge. But there is none. The pain continues with no help in sight. I long to be pain-free again. Sometimes I forget what it felt like. I have thought long and hard about it all. It has made heaven all the more real and wonderful to me. I wonder how glorious that first moment will feel. I believe that I will be amazed at how great I will feel, having gotten used to living in pain. I think that my first thought will be, "I didn't realize how much pain I had every day!" But then I think that perhaps I won't give my physical body any thought at all, that I will be too enraptured by the Love, the Joy and the Glory of my Savior and King! The really bad days have also led me to ponder the reality of he** - an eternity of unbelievably bad days that defy my imagination here. Real physical pain that never eases, never abates. There will be no such thing there as finally having paid for all your sins and getting out. The torment of he** is not based on how good or bad we've been here. God's requirement for heaven is, always has been and always will be perfection! Justice demands that an offense against the infinitely holy, infinitely good, infinitely righteous God deserves infinite punishment. We can never work that off in this life or the next. That's why we need a Savior - we have all earned he**! We can never save ourselves! Only by believing that Jesus, God the Son, lived a perfectly holy life, pleasing in every way to God the Father, and died in your place, can you get into heaven. The Bible speaks of it in accounting terms. All of Christ's perfection can be transferred to your account. And in return, He has taken on all of your sins. And paid for them by dying on the cross. God will exchange your "account" for Jesus', stamping "Paid in Full" on your bill! You can appear at heaven's gate having been declared perfect in God's sight! In the midst of great pain, on those bad days of mine, I think constantly on this. My heart aches almost more than my body. I actually feel it, my chest is so heavy. I know that my bad day will end. I know that there will come a day when I will be set free from this body of pain; this body of sin. I hate, hate, hate that tormented, caged dog feeling. I hate knowing that I will never be free of my pain in this life. But, oh so much more, I hate thinking that anyone I know would ever have to face an eternity of inescapable pain! I just can't tell you how much that thought hurts!! Hard words, I know. How much I would love to pretend it was otherwise. But that would not change who God is or what His Word tells us is Reality. I am not thinking of anyone in particular ~ only God Himself, and yourself, can know your heart, can know if that "account exchange" has taken place. His love for His children is overflowing! All we have to do is ask! I did not want to talk about this; especially not on this blog. I have said from the beginning that this would not be filled with my thoughts and musings, only with the antics of the children. But all of this was becoming too much to keep inside any longer. And Easter brought it all out! The joy of Christ's death for me, for my children and for my husband, the glory of His victory over death in His rising from the dead actually hurt as they were juxtaposed with knowing that most of humanity will not choose to accept His free gift; will end up enduring endless pain far beyond mine, rather than humbly and gratefully "trade accounts" with Him. I know that that might include some of you. And so I weep and I beg you now to think long and hard about this, pray about it and maybe even read the book of John or Romans. And talk to me, to any of us, if we can help! We pray weekly for all of you; we'd love to pray with you, if you'd like. If anyone has actually read this all the way through -- thank you!!!! Oh how I pray for God's greatest blessing on you. And I know that anyone of you might be upset by this. I hope not. That was not my intent at all. But I could not live with this burden any longer. There may be someone who needed to read this. I love you. |
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Posted by Abigail
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