It's been a hard couple of days for us beyond being the 5th anniversary of 9/11, though that has surely been in our thoughts this day.

We said goodbye to Steve yesterday as he left for another deployment, knowing the next time we see him, birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas will have passed without him. Beyond the 'big' events, we'll have missed the little things together--laughter,conversation, family time, shared memories. Part of me wonders how can we keep doing this? I won't lie--it's so very very difficult. As my new online friend Diane wrote in an entry when her dh deployed:

In my life, however, there is a drought. Inside I am drowning and dry as a bone all at the same time.  Figure that one out.

Maybe that is normal for a military spouse left to her own while the hero goes out to “take care of the bad guys.”

Who knows.

If I don’t write for a while, its because I don’t know how to do this job.  Stay home and keep the fires burning?

With rain and brittle tinder at war within me, how can any fire stay lit?

I'm not sure if one ever learns to do this job. Yet...somehow we do it, and in the words of Diane, "do the next thing". I'm thankful there is a 'next thing' for me to focus on. I am thankful for our children who keep me living and moving forward. That 'next thing', whether it is a bandaid, soccer game or school paper needing grading keep me from dwelling on the fact that we just did this last year. That we've only moved here 6 months ago, our nearest family is a thousand miles away, and it seems unfair we have to be alone again already. That I miss my husband and best friend so terribly much more than I could express in words, ever. That I am proud of him and support what he's doing, yet am scared and lonely and not nearly as brave as he seems to think I am.  That I haven't even cried yet because I am trying to hold things together for my children, yet knowing it's a quite fragile grip. That I need to keep going for their sake.

And most importantly, it's all right for me to feel all of the above, yet:

Psalm 9:10 

 Those who know your name will trust in you,
       for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.