My older kids are strong-willed. Both of them. One is more so than the other. They display their strong wills in different ways. They are unique in their personalities, temperaments, and areas of giftedness. But they are united in their strong wills. 

Parents with "compliant" kids just don't get it. Sure, they have times when their cherubs have an "off" day. Yes, they have experienced a few tantrums. Of course, these children must be disciplined. No one's child is perfect. At least not all the time.

That said, there is a huge difference in the behaviors and natural dispositions of strong-willed kids and their compliant peers. I resent the comments and unsolicited advice of those (usually) well-meaning folks. No, we are not perfect parents. We are often frustrated and embarrassed. We are doing the best job we know how to do, people.

I have read Dr. Dobson's book cover to cover multiple times. A copy of Cynthia Tobias' "You Can't Make Me" CD is on my list of Top 10 Most listened to... (I think if she ever came down with a case of laryngitis and needed someone to step in during a presentation- I probably could do it. I have the thing practically memorized.) I also own her book The Way they Learn. I love this article/review of her books. The survey is valuable in determining the degree of a strong will.

http://www.applest.com/strongwilled.asp

My grandmother gave me a copy of Lisa Whelchel's Creative Correction for Christmas last year. She has some great ideas.

I do have head knowledge. (Or at the least resources to seek some!) It is the application that trips me up. Many times I get lost in the details when a more "global view" would be appropriate. Where is the balance between holding to a high standard and realizing that something is "good enough" as it is? Does it really matter in the long run? Is this going to build character?

Most of the time I can ask myself the question "Will this make an eternal difference?" and have an answer. Sometimes not. (Because I can overanalyze it to death, coming to some conclusion why it does make a difference.) Sometimes I just don't know.

(***I am not talking about things that are illegal or immoral.)

Be consistent. Be consistent. Be consistent. That is what the "experts" say. I have figured out this is only half the battle. The other half is figuring out what to be consistent with and for how long... What works with one child on any given day or week will not work with the other child. Ever. The method that worked beautifully on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday is ineffective come Friday. It also will not work on Saturday or Sunday...

I have to choose my battles carefully. Somethings are just not worth it. The challenge is to determine the criteria. Is this willful defiance? Does the child need a nap? Is s/he needing attention? Is this MY issue?  After all, strong-willed children are exhausting. Throw in a headache, sleep deprivation, a new baby, etc. and my patience is depleted in record time.

Last night I was blindsided by a reminder of Lovey's strong will. When we dropped her off at church for choir and AWANA, she was fine- in a good mood and ready for fun. Somehow, within the first few minutes of choir, that changed. Her leader told me that she was negative all night... She interrupted the other kids while they were trying to say their verses. Everything she said was negative. Apparently, it just got worse as the evening wore on. What?!

I told her leader we would take care if it. That is unexceptable behavior. Engage in battle.

Granted, she did not have a nap in the afternoon. (Rest time is mandatory in our home, but at 7 1/2, she does not always sleep during rest time.) She claims she was grumpy because she was tired. Ok. But that doesn't excuse the behavior. We had a battle of the wills on the way home and all the way up until bedtime. Thankfully, that was only 30 minutes. Her dad decided she needed to be grounded today. (Grounding them was effective this weekend... but that is a story for another post.) This means Momma and brother are somewhat grounded too since daddy is at work. Not cool. I was NOT looking forward to it.

The whole thing put me in a bad mood. I was so keyed up that I could not sleep last night. I just knew that the morning would bring more conflict...but no. It looks like she really was just tired and grumpy. There has been a cease fire for the day on her end. Go figure.

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Posted by pixmum

for posting this link and for your honesty in handling your daughters. I've got a VERY strong-willed girl. My middle child (a boy) is not, but the baby shows all the signs of another strong-willed child. Sometimes, days can be so exhausting! It's good to read an honest blog, though, and not feel alone.

God bless.

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Posted by Anonymous

Thank you for your write up. I have an extremely strong-willed 2 year old daughter, and a compliant 4 year old daughter. I adore my baby, and I know that her strong-willed attitude is a gift from God but there are days it feels like it's a curse. I get so tired of her fighting with me on everything I say, and she is still only 2. Some days I wonder if I can make it to her 5th Birthday. Everyone tells me I'm doing a great job with my kids. I'm very much a loving disciplinarian and I try to be very consistant but there are days where she will just fight me in everything. I have Dr. Dobsons book but we are in the middle of a move so I don't have it with me know. I just wonder if you someone can give me a little insight... I crave wisdom from others. I know that I don't know it all and my Baby has thrown me for a loop with the Mothering that I do know.

Thanks again! H

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Posted by Anonymous

Thank you all for the listings. I was seriously beginning to feel alone. I have a 11yr old and a 7 year old that are both strong willed. They are like twins 3 yrs apart, they have some physical differences but look identical and act basically the same. They do tend to be strongwilled in different areas tho. They are more like 2 only children then siblings,the friends that I used to have joked with me about this. I don't have those friends anymore because I just had no time for them,or was so imbarrassed by my children's behavior that I lost track of them....

UGH, People here don't even try to understand strong willed children all they want to do is slap them with Psychological Disorder labels and hide'em somewhere, and of course us parents are Horrible parents, how can we raise such a defient child.. HELLO, They were born that way... I'm/we're doing the best I/We can.. I/We set rules, limits, give options, be presistant with disipline and rewards and yet the behaviour continues.. We pulled our 11 yr old out of the schools and are cyber schooling him, he has been tortured by teachers, students, counslors, and others that either figured out that no one would care if they harrassed him, or that didn't understand him and didn't want to try to.. For 4 years he has been beat up down and every which way, now he is tired of people and emotionally scared.. He needs time to recover then back he goes, am I a horrible parent for returning him to that enviroment??( In the one test we did with him on a strongwilled personality HE gave himself a 10 1/2 (it only went from 1, barely used to 11, don't leave home w/out it, no halfs) on it..) If I'm so very stressed out from dealling w/adults that don't get it, how am I suppose to deal w/the kids themselves?? Don't they understand WE need the respite care, the support, the time to breathe, to recharge, heal, so on, so that we can be relaxed enough to slow down, calm down and understand what our strongwilled children need from us.. If they're throwing us to the wolves we don't have the luxury of relaxing, which hurts our kids NOT helps them.. Oh well sorry for the vent... Thank you again for the post... One mom to another...

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Posted by Ann

how funny! I am reading those two books! what I need is advice in a "day care setting" My 2 year old hits. I think she is dead tired. They say she won't take a nap. Who is in charge here??? any advice???

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Posted by Anonymous

I have a very strong willed 7 yr old girl. I've had comments from "what a wonderfully spirited girl," to "is she on any medication?" for as long as I can remember! I was raised in a child-oriented household and feel I've done fairly well with her so far; but times they are a change-in. She has always had problems in school from Daycare at 2 when she wouldn't take a nap, until Kindergarten when she was in detention 3 days a week! She is the sweetest, smartest girl. She wants to please everyone and doesn't understand that not everyone wants her determined advice and opinions all the time. I just purchased a book by Carl Pickhardt and hope it will give me some insight. I just wish everyone could see through the precociousness to the fascinating girl she is! I have a 7 month old girl, and regularly tell her she will be an easy going, laid-back child! Only time will tell....

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