Jan. 20, 2008 - Writing workshop lesson 7
Before:It rained all week during our camping trip.
After:Drops of rain tapped the pink tent the wind rippled the loose strings that were flying about. At least they were Safe. The Rain fell for 7 days and nights until one of the boys said "Let's go home!"
Before:Katie saw a scary sea creature at the aquarium.
After:Katie Turned away from the Sea Turtles Only to come Face-to-Face with a Big Gray Shark. She Shrieked and fell back into her Gran Gran's Arms.
Before:As I entered the cave, I found the object of my search--the lost treasure chest of the Ancients.
After:The Temperature Dropped 2 degrees as Jack entered the lonesome cave. he saw a Worn out old Chest lying on a stone Platform. He Pushed the Golden Key he had Found Behind the Painting in the Gallery above him into the Rusty Lock. Jacks eyes Twinkled in the Twilight as the key turned Slowly. When the chest opened Jack Gasped. Inside was Diamonds, Gold jewelry, and Twinkling pieces of Gold. "I have found it." Jack said to himself. "I have found the lost Treasure of the Ancients.
Comments
Jan. 21, 2008 - Lesson 7
Posted by skmarlow
Short, sweet, and well-done scenes with the camping trip and the shark encounter. You don't mince words, and your writing is tight. The words you choose do a lot to show me the scene. Good job.
On the Treasure Chest scene, I caught a couple of dead words. First "strange chest." Hmmm...strange to whom? I was hoping to "see" the chest, and I couldn't figure out what "strange" looked like. Please go back and be a little more descriptive. What did the chest look like that made it seem "strange" to Jack? Also, when he opened the chest at the end and saw the ancient treasure, I was hoping to "see" the treasure, also. So...what was this treasure? What's inside?
So...your assignment it to go back and edit your entry by adding a little to your scene, change a few things around, get rid of the dead words, and repost. Then comment and let me know and I'll come back and really be able to "see" it. OK?
Edited by skmarlow on Jan. 21, 2008 at 12:30 PM
Jan. 21, 2008 - Lesson 7-corrected
Posted by SuzyScribbles
Yes, this is much better, especially describing what was in the chest.
When you wrote "worn-out" chest, perhaps a vision of what that looks like would be appropriate. "A worn chest with frayed leather straps and rusty hinges..." Something like that. Can't you just see it? :-)
oops. I was logged in as SuzyScribbles again. Sorry.
Edited by SuzyScribbles on Jan. 21, 2008 at 3:33 PM
