Sep. 2, 2007
Disappointment...
Posted in Schooling
I have been fighting this for a very long time. When I started homeschooling about 8 years ago I had all these hopes and dreams and all of these ideas of the way things should be. They did not turn out that way... J(13) was so different and responded differently and learned differently than I imagined. He fought me so much of the time and over the years I became jaded about it all. I have been an angry mess over it for so long that I am having a hard time seeing the other three children as different. They love learning and love the time we spend together but I have become so frustrated it is hard to retrain myself to get past that. I spent so many years waking up ready for a fight and knowing that the day would be crappy that it is hard to readjust. J(13) really is a good kid and his being in PS is a good thing in so many ways. Our relationship has healed but you know how you are used to something for so long that it is hard to change that mindset? Well, that is where I am stuck...
I often feel like all the other moms online and offline just have it all together... or at least what they say leads me to believe that they do not struggle with such things. I do NOT live the perfect life that some might think. I have messy children that do not always obey or even eat with knives and forks or flush the toilets or make their beds or put their clothes away or do things without whining and complaining... Maybe much of that is my lack of persistence. I have trained and trained until I am exhausted and some days I just do not have the energy to stand and make sure they do what I have asked of them.
I want to enjoy my family but I am so swamped with the daily that I cannot even breath some days. Now, before you tell me to quit school and be the submissive little barefoot quiet and humble wife and mommy I must tell you that me going back to college has NOT been the problem. This all existed BEFORE I went to college. This has been going on for 8+ years. ....AND I am not sure I could be that person anyway... There is too much rebellion in me... ;) I think the rebellion can be used for good and not evil but I am still working on that one, too... LOL
I need some serious retraining of the mind this year. I think there is more to come on this...
Comments
Sep. 2, 2007 - Another PW =)
Posted by ctnjm324
Hi! I'm another pastor's wife and your words caught my attention as I was browsing through blogs tonight. I recently posted a similar blog about how perfect some women seem to be. There is just no way that these people can be so perfect =) I also struggled terribly son #1 and even made some bad choices about schooling for my other two kids because I was so burnt out. I am finaly back on track, but it's taken awhile. Be easy on yourself and realize that God gave you your kids because He knew you would do the very job of raising them! Be encouraged and God bless! BTW... I'm adding you as a friend!
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Sep. 2, 2007 - What? You don't have it all together?
Posted by Itsme6301
You had us all fooled. Don't worry, no one has it all together. Resentment I think is almost as hard a forgiveness when mending relationships and "moving on". It is normal that you harbor these lingering feelings. I deal with similar feelings for my DH and our past problems. We are obviously not having any of those problems now, but all I have to do is think of that set of things that made me mad (or will likely make me mad when he returns) and all the feelings of resentment surface again. I will pray for us both to release the harbored feelings we have. We will both feel better. Forgiveness is not for the people who have wronged us, but for ourselves.
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Sep. 2, 2007 - my 2 cents
Posted by crickl
Hey, anyone who looks like they have the perfect family and home is either ignoring issues or just not putting their struggles out there for the public eye.....
I loved the 9 years that we homeschooled. And now I love them being in school. I think life has seasons and you need to just be flexible. I also have one daughter who she and I have the same kind of struggle and personality conflict you've described with your son. There has been a lot of healing of that relationship in the past few years with her, with the help of youth group leaders and mediation from my dh. lol He is good at that and we've both grown and changed alot....but it was a lot of hard work. She has also been seeing a Christian couselor over some OCD issues. And today, I am really thankful, yet very humbled to have to say that I actually LIKE my dd again!
As far as schooling, you should do what will be the best for your family where they are now. I hope it's a GREAT year for you and that lots of healing takes place.
Oh, about the house chores and feeling it's never going to change....it probably won't my dear. =) But they do get older and will be able to do their OWN cleaning and help you out around the house too. That is nice. Also, moms need to give kids a chance to be imperfect too. I don't know why, but it seems like these days that moms are expecting a LOT of their kids as far as doing and saying the 'right' things all the time and being over acheivers. I hope all of this makes sense. I'm not dissing strict families or anyone's lifestyle, but imho, it's good for kids to know that you accept and love them even though they drive you crazy and they don't live up to perfect expectations.
OK, there's my 2 cents. love ya....you've been really humble and honest with this post and I sure appreciate it.
Christie
http://cricklsnest.blogspot.com/
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