Just this past Saturday our church and some other friends went to the Estabrooks' Apple Gala!
It was really fun! (the Estabrooks hold an Apple Gala every year) We mainly played outside games like, Ultimate Frisbee, Capture the Flag, Freeze tag and Football. (there were probably....at least 50 kids there)
Mr. Estabrooks made apple cider with his 100 year old apple machine thing. It was really good! 10 or 12 of the people brought pies for a contest. (It was the "Best Pie Contest")
After it got dark, and everyone went inside, we all (the kids) played card games! We played Uno and Rummy. (from what I saw)

Sunday, we went to the Marcums' house for our friend, A.J.'s Birthday! He was turning 21!
Mrs. Marcum made a huge rib and pot roast  feast. They were the juiciest most tender ribs I had ever had.
After we ate, Paulie, Luke, A.J., Mike, A.J.'s sister Emily and her husband Josh, and I went outside and played Football and Ultimate Frisbee. It was really fun!!
Mrs. Marcum made 2 big German Chocolate cakes! (A.J.'s favorite I guess)
After everyone left (except us and Mike) Mike, Paulie, Luke and I played Rummy for like.....2 hours or something. We had a great time over at their house! Thanks, Marcums!!

Beav

Beav

Saturday we are having a birthday party for my sister, Julia! A lot of people are coming such as the Estabrooks, the Gonzalez's, the Petersons, the Marcums, the Marcums' son, Mike,  A.J. and his wife Leann.
She is turning 13! Her birthday is on Sunday, and we are going to be having some staff over.
It is going to be a lot of fun. One of the great things about Julia is that she is always giving.
Every time I ask her if I can ride her bike, she always says yes. (my bike is broken)
She is always watching Sani, even if we have company over.
Sometimes I take advantage of what a great sister Julia is.
I am going to try to be a better brother to her, too.
Thank you, Julia!


I just got back from Mexico not too long ago! Dad and I went because we wanted to see our great aunts before they died. We drove to Tasco and I bought myself a silver bracelet. Dad got the boys one too, and Julia a set of earrings, a bracelet and a necklace. We were down there for Mexico's Independence Day.  It was a great experience.

Beav

 

I am amazed to see that it has been 9 months since I wrote here—long enough to have a baby! And I remember that many things in life are a birth. Since the sentencing, I have not looked back. I have been running this race in earnest.

 

“Take a deep seat,

Don’t look back

And Ride to Win.”

 

(-Secretariat’s jockey, in an autograph to me when I was about 10.)

 

 

I feel compelled to squeeze the life out of every second. Even quiet moments have their volume turned up emotionally. I can’t figure out if I’m living or if I’m dieing. It seems the same. Both get us closer to the end. I can’t tell if my heart is continually breaking, or swelling with life. A new baby opens its eyes. Do the eyes of a loved one from heaven see her? People fight, but they make up. Friends’ lives go on, but they forget you. Again, should I be happy, or sad? Every breath has its pain and its joy. So I choose the joy, while swimming upstream against the pain. We go on either because of something, or in spite of it.

 

Above all, catastrophe is not an excuse to fail. It is a reason to succeed.

 

I have been giving birth to my new life.

 

Well the defendant got the maximum sentence the judge could allow, since we accepted a plea: 25 years.

We had a very good, common sense judge and had we been able to count on a jury as such (which we could not) we'd have life in prison for the defendant.

The courtroom was packed with Dawn's family, friends, co-workers. There was not an empty seat. Ten of us gave testimony (mine is below) and after my reading, a slide show of Dawn was run, set to the song "There You'll Be" by Faith Hill.

News links are here:

Courier News/Home News Tribune

Star Ledger

What I want to say most of all is that I feel "lighter." I am so surprised. I was reminded this morning that justice is not man's invention. God created it for man when He brought law to His people in the Old Testament.

Justice is a spiritual state, like God's other inventions for man: marriage, parenthood...I feel so much BETTER. I feel like I am a 'normal' grieving person now, like people who lose loved ones in an accident or to illness. I feel in the same league.

Previously, it was, "Yes, you are suffering but you have no idea what I am going through..."  The murder and all the court stuff put such an unbelievable burden on all of us! And it was so isolating!!

In the court room yesterday, we were heard, and that was so powerful. My husband observed that everything that needed to be said, was said. That is healing for us. We were heard!

So today, in my lightened and enlightened state, I Thank God for His provision of  justice. I Thank Him for the chance to move on again, and remember Dawn with loving memories.

Until we see her again.
___________________________________________
My statement to the Judge:

Your Honor,                                                                                   

 My name is Allison. I’m Dawn’s sister. We were close in age. I used to be the younger one-- now, I’ve already lived six months longer than Dawn.

 In New Jersey, people are getting away with murder. The dead can’t speak. All a defendant has to do is lie about the circumstances involving the crime, and say he got really upset. The punishment for taking a life should be a life sentence, if not capital punishment. We can see from Dawn’s wounds that the defendant had intent. He chose twenty-one times to kill Dawn. I call upon the entire state of New Jersey to do away with their Passion Provocation Plea laws. Because of them, we had to accept less than what this defendant truly deserves.

 I’ve wanted more than anything for Dawn to be able to speak for herself. Since that is not possible, I have decided to read from some of her e-mails:

_________________________________________

 
January 2006, on becoming a Grandmother:

 "It is indescribable the feeling of holding your child's child.  It is not like holding other new babies.  When you hold your grandchild, you are thinking, 'This is a part of me!' "

About breaking off the relationship with the defendant:

 “I really feel bad for him.”

 “I don't want him humiliated.”

 “I feel like he cheated on me.  He was supposed to love and honor me…not constantly put me down.”

 “Don't let him know I told you specific things that happened between us.”

 “People change suddenly when money is involved.”

October 2006

“I’m beginning to realize I wasn’t tired before [the break-up] either…I was depressed.”
“You’ll be seeing a lot more of me again.” 
“This has turned out to be a most WONDERFUL year!!!”
“I’m ecstatically happy!!! “

 
Thanksgiving 2006, to our Brother

 “This will certainly be one of our most thankful Thanksgivings!”

 “I’m SO looking forward to the Holiday and when the Costa’s come up!!!”

A final e-mail to me:

 “Thanks, sis!  Can't wait to see you all!”

 
And a final one to our sister-in-law Laura:

Man it’s good to be alive!!!

________________________________________

 

                

Most would think there is a sense of relief involved: “wrapping up” almost 2 years of court business, going to a sentencing on Friday. Maybe, if this were a business dealing, But it is not business, nor business as usual. All I feel is a growing sense of horror. This makes everything so real. And we are going to see him—the defendant.

 

I have learned that you must separate the crime from the love and memory of your loved one. The crime is evil and deserves to be lost and forgotten in the past, as much as possible. Leave it to die, as my sister was.

 

The love and memory of your loved one remains untouched, their life invested, what they have left behind, memories, smiles, words spoken, kindnesses given—the list goes on and on forever.

 

No evil can touch that.

 

So this is not about Dawn. We are not going to memorialize her on this trip, or celebrate the life of one of her children or grandchildren, or get together and circle around each other in memory and in love and survival-ship.

 

This whole thing pays tribute to a crime, its effect, and the sore lacking of the American criminal justice system.

 

So no wonder my reluctance to fold laundry, pack a suitcase, take care of the animals’ needs, etc. Although it must get done, and I will press on: this was the first lesson—you don’t get a choice, no matter how horrible.

 

It must seem normal: about 2 years past a homicide, and a sentencing. Friends must thing I’m ready for it or used to it by now. The phone isn’t ringing, and I don’t expect it to.

 

Well, I know one thing: by the end of today, God will have spoken. He does not let us alone for long. And then I will know peace, and Dawn’s love will be near, and I will move forward in trust and in courage.

 

And somehow, God help us, we’ll just know.

 

 

For the longest time (since losing my sister) when I came to this blog I felt angst. It was  a source of reminder of pain and loss. (Ok for the third or fourth time, my sister was the only family member who checked my blog daily.)

 

I don’t feel that anymore. The grief has moved. It’s quite amazing.

 

(You see? All people need is time. Folks don’t get enough time in this country or recognition for grief. It’s fast, fast, fast…3 days for a funeral and then, back to work! Get over it! Move on!)

 

Now my grief-experience says: Look out!! Good swings are always followed by pits when it comes to grief. Well, yes, that’s right. And I will probably be having a horrible time rather soon, when we are at the sentencing in October. Still, I know that even 3 steps forward and 1 or 2 back get me someplace.

 

So I’m just kind of saying, Wow. I am at my blog and it feels nice.

 

All of you who have checked in these past 22 months, you have done more for me by being there dependably, no matter how long I was between posts, no matter if I wrote back or not, than I can say. But I will try to say it:

 

I thought losing this blog = your friendships would be just another consequence of a violent crime. Something I had to let go of, hopelessly, with no choice.

 

But I didn’t give it up completely, because of you all.

 

And now I see that I didn’t have to. After ALL that I have been forced to say good-bye to, dreams, hopes, a previous life, the family we used to have~

 

I hope you can get a glimmer of how comforting it is to have something that withstood this crime!!!

 

With tears, I thank you. You will not know (until heaven) how much you have helped me.

 

Sincerely,

Allison Costa

I used to think grief was something that happened after an event. Now I see that it is the event.

 

The loss of one person’s life takes only a few seconds. Our systems react to it for months; that’s just the way it is. You can’t struggle through it, try to overcome it, or avoid it any more than you can avoid childbirth. It has to just happen on its own timeline, individual for each person.

 

It begins with shock. A huge piece of our soul is ripped away, and we are exposed. We experience shaking limbs, teeth rattling, adrenalin surges, anxiety, stomach issues, and your heart grips and pains for days on end, to mention a few. There are physical symptoms specific to individuals. I noticed that during the two days before my sister’s funeral, I had the worst labor pain I’d experienced in my life of birthing six children. I was not even pregnant at the time.

 

Everyone you love is also in shock and you are kind of like the blind leading the blind. This is a great time to have a grief-experienced friend nearby who hasn’t experienced your particular loss. This friend will tell you not to hurry. All your other friends will expect it.

 

You spend the first year in shock and getting past the “firsts.” As my brother said on the one year anniversary of my sister’s death, “No more thinking about what she was doing a year ago.” The major shock can last 6 months to a year.

 

The second year is when you really start actually dealing with the loss. A lot of the shock has given way to the realization that this is really true, and you have to live with it for as long as you shall live. Counseling is a big help the second year (not that it doesn’t help the first year, too) because by now most everybody expects you to stop talking about it, but your system is just starting to actually deal with it. The exception would be others who share your loss~ they are probably happy to have you to talk to, because they are on the same basic timeline. Understanding friends are also a blessing.

 

By now our choices have come into play. Yes, we do get a choice. Not in what happened, but in what we are going to do about it. What are we going to do with that great big hole? How do we fill it in, and with what? We can not replace the person we lost. We can strive to find healthy choices, however, to fill up the emptiness we feel. It won’t be the same, but it’s better than letting the hole deteriorate into bad choices.

 

My first answer was to meet the vast pain with courage, the same courage my sister had when she lost her fiancee’ six years before her own death. She was my inspiration. A big red horse was my second answer. A close friend said to me, “Allison, if I was going to heal you, I’d send you a horse.” A dream come true, I believe my sister brought him to me. There are probably hundreds of individual answers for individual needs. I think the best thing would be to pursue a dream you’ve always had, but never made time for. It becomes a dedication to your lost loved one.

 

But you also have to be careful with whatever you decide to do. I used to fall completely apart for days with every small failure with my new horse. Now I see why~ I had too much vested in success with him. It was as if every small challenge meant I was not going to personally make it. Now I see that I still have to look at the reality of the situation and not put all my healing on one beast (so to speak.) Besides, it’s not fair to the dream, whatever it may be.

 

I am not in the third year of my grief yet, but my best friend in NC has had several sudden losses, and she tells me that the third year is when the healing picks up.

 

When we came home from vacation recently, for the first time I felt ready to put my sister in a special place deep down inside myself, where the memories will be untouched. At first, I hated the feeling of time marching on heartlessly, as my sister’s last day on earth receded further and further from the horizon of today.

 

Now the panic has given way to something more secure. What has happened to her still has a global effect on me. In fact, it shaped me into a completely new person. But my memories will remain safe, and sacred, where no body can touch or hurt them.

 

This is just an example of a feeling that could not be rushed. Others may have found it sooner. I may have done other things sooner. Everybody has an individual timeline. The main thing is a respect for everyone’s individual time and needs.

 

All of these thoughts came about in the middle of a night recently when suddenly my sister was with me, in my heart, I could feel her presence. The most amazing thing is that it felt like we were children again. I had all the feelings of childhood with her there and was able to see how secure I felt when she was near. It was a gift that happened after I found new security without her in this world. So I am thankful. She always did have good timing.

 

Thank you for reading,

Allison

 

New Jersey has some of the 'best' laws protecting a criminal in this country. Some say it's because there is so much mafia there.

 

We were actually taking a chance on a jury. He was lieing about what happened and the victim is not there to argue for herself. (WE know what the truth is because we know her and how she would act.)

 

All the sympathy goes to the live defendant sitting there in the courtroom. Let me say, O.J. Simpson trial. People don't want to be 'responsible' for putting somebody away for life. Even if an innocent life is taken. (Crimes against children do get more punishment, but not ones against adults.)

 

People like myself, who know the truth, will never make it to a jury now.

 

 I know, it makes you just feel aghast, doesn’t it? Believe me, the amount of patience and self-control it has taken to accept this as the way things truly are in our judicial system has been monumentally stressful. The only thing that has ‘helped’ is knowing that FAMILIES ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY ARE GOING THROUGH THIS EXACT SAME THING. People getting away with murder.

 

I had to leave it to God. I do not know the story. The assailant could die in prison. He could get saved and die in prison. He could suffer unimaginably for 10-20 years and die horribly. You know what I do know? That my sister who walked this earth would never have wanted this for him, never! She was forgiving and kind.

 

But there is justice, as much as we can get on this earth, and in the next.

 

He pleaded to something that holds a penalty of 10-30 years. He agreed to 25 when he pleaded guilty. Now we actually have to work to write letters and make a good representation so that he does not get less, since his lawyer’s job is to argue for less. Our prosecutor says we have a good judge.

 

The reason we did not go to trial is that his plea (that he’d have used at the trial) held a sentence of 5, 10, 15 years with only a small amount being served before parole. Our prosecutor did not want to see him walk in 5-10 years for this, or see us go through that. The lesser gamble was to take the 25.

 

His trial plea was something some states have called “passion provocation.” Which basically says, “I was so upset, I killed somebody!” I know, it’s a permission for lack of self control. The prosecutors hate it. That’s why people have to vote when things come up about your state’s judicial system.

 

Texas has good laws regarding homicide. (For homeschooling and homebirth, too.)  Hmmm- the country know-how of all those cowboys and cowgirls…so it varies by state.

 

And when do we actually look into these things and get versed in them?

 

Too late, apparently. After the funeral.

 

But there are people working to make a difference.

 

Ok- that’s the long answer.   ~Allison