Oct. 6, 2009 - Slowing Down...
Sometime around Month 7 of pregnancy, things start to get a little weird in my body....
My hips go all loosey-goosey, resulting in lower back pain and hip pain, necessitating the need for a 'third trimester' belt to hold it all in place. It's a natural process -- the body is loosening up, relaxing, so that the pelvic bones can spread to accomodate the baby's entrance into the world...
My throat and accompanying muscles within slacken, allowing anything spicy, citrusy, or sometime carb-y to cause me heartburn, almost at any time of day or night. To counteract this, we have switched our eating schedule to be more of the 'frequent, small meals' type, which is healthier for all of us in the long-run anyway. Again, this is a natural process of the body, though troublesome at times...
My sleep is frequently interrupted by the need to get up an use the bathroom,...or by a slight irritation, such as a child touching me, or by...I don't know what. A dream? A noise? ... This, too, is a natural process -- almost as if the body is getting itself used to be woken up at frequent intervals to feed a hungry newborn....
Often, this is the time when my emotions start to go a little haywire, too. In the past, being medicated for depression, this would be the point where the meds didn't work...or, if I wasn't on meds, I'd need to start them. At this point, I'm not medicated for depression, but I do sense those moments in my behavior or attitude that points toward the hormonal surges giving me some 'down' thoughts.
However, this time around, I have less "baggage" in my head. While I know its not the choice of every mom (or possible for every mom), being at home with my kids has given me so much more peace during this pregnancy. I have an intuition, deep inside, that what would usually set off my downward spiral was the thought of the birth (happy!), the first 3 months (maternity leave), but then -- returning to work (yuck! leave my baby??). For the last two kids, I took them to work with me a good deal of the time -- and was so very thankful for my boss' openness to that, as well as the welcome of my co-workers to this situation -- but it was still stressful for me. I felt like I wasn't really able to be present to both my 'paid work' and my "REAL work' as a mom. Now, that is just me -- but....you have to know yourself, and I have been blessed to know that being at home is the right choice, for me....
But, over and above these bodily physical changes, there are changes in my heart.
When I look at each of my already-born children, and my husband, I have slowed down enough to reflect on the different emotions within me as I consider each one .....
Espen...
the first born. courageous, yet tender. a born leader. wild, and given to mood-swings. also steady and dependable. lives his own paradoxes, but likes his environment to be understandable and without question. my gentle bear -- he is not either/or, he is both/and. getting so tall. sometimes so sure of himself, sometimes still wanting to cuddle in my lap. learning so much. eager to help and please. kind to his younger brothers. a true friend...
Baz...
a gentle soul. emotional and sensitive. creative and artistic. would just as soon dance as kick a soccer ball, or sing instead of yell. daily amuses us with funny faces and insights. sometimes acts like the true middle child that he is -- gets his words often interrupted, so we have to listen closely and encouragingly, so he'll say what is truly on his heart. can sit and look and wonder for long periods of time. can be independent in his imaginary play, but needs a big or little brother around so he doesn't get lonely. a peaceful person, a gift...
Jo-Jo...
my 'oldest' baby, yet still so young. there is more space between him and his brother to be born, so he has been cuddled and perhaps coddled, but he holds his own. he shows that he admires his big brothers by copying their good, and sometimes not-so-good actions, and he depends on their friendship and love, and responds with his loyalty. amused by watching. amused by performing for us! speaking sentences, beginning to tell us his thoughts, sometimes struggling to find words he has never before said. a cheerful dreamer...
and, of course, TallDad...
rock. friend. support. lover and companion. seems to bear all cheerfully, yet trusts in me enough to vent when things are tough at work, with school, with the kids, or whatever else is going on in our life. funny, creative. serious, good listener. a willing and active dad, a caretaker of us all in so many ways. truly increasing his competence every day. we share it all. friend of my heart, love of my life...
As my body slows down, and my thoughts begin to focus on all the gifts I've been given, I realize what a blessing it all is - life, the blessing of bearing children, pregnancy, family, peace...
Gone is the first trimester tiredness, irritability, and illness.
Gone, too, is the burst of energy and pinky glow of the second trimester.
The third trimester is what it is.
Large. Heavy. Slow.
A chance to sit and think -- and a good excuse to do so -- because it is getting harder to get up.
More time to sit on the couch and read books to the kids (and read myself!) -- because taking walks requires so much more effort, my hips can't take a long walk without complaint, and because I prefer to have TallDad tie my shoes whenever possible.
A new tiredness -- not as troublesome as in the first months -- a resigned kind of tiredness. Not unwelcome -- very peaceful. Soon the baby will be on the outside, so why not go to sleep around 8:30 each night, cuddling with the kids? I need the sleep, and we all need the cuddling...
When the baby arrives, life will change. It will again be fast-paced, though we still won't seem to 'do much' to the outside world...but the first days of nourshing a newly born body and soul, outside of the safety and warmth of the womb, will consume us all...
For now, we all slow down, appreciate and love each other, and accept the blessings of the things I cannot control -- my body and heart's natural reactions to this time of life -- that are truly given by God.
