I have had one of the toughest months of my life. It all happened when dh and I got in a fight (which is actually pretty rare). He told me some things that were true but hurt. We also were able to communicate about things that we hadn't been able to talk about in over 10 years. In a way the past, my past, was rearing it's ugly head. I was sent into a tailspin. I was almost completely immobilized by dark thoughts and secret sins that seemed to haunt me. I was so consumed by my evil side and I felt like God had suddenly abandoned me. I know now, as I knew then, that He hadn't gone anywhere but the sin felt like a dark shadow over me and His light was hidden. It was such a scary place. I had nothing in me to give to the kids. Somehow we got through school mostly because my oldest is very independent and he also helped his younger brother. My dh went out of town during this time and I was able to talk to a close friend about some things. She lives in another state but she is there for me like no other. She is the only one who understands my darkness because she struggles with the same things. Things we don't speak of to anyone else. EVER.

I spoke with my husband while he was gone and poured my heart out to him as he sat in a hotel room with a fellow traveller. Boy that guy must think I am nuts! Hubby was so supportive and sweet and worried about me. I felt so bad for dumping on him because I like to think I am strong. Sometimes too strong because I don't want to NEED anyone. It was clear during this time that I was anything but strong. I was weak and miserable.

About 2 weeks into this episode I decided something rather significant. I decided that I will fight this, I will win and I will hold onto Him until it's over. What I felt like doing was crawling into a dark hole and never coming out again. But that would just never do. When I tried to read my Bible I felt nothing. At church as I sat and listened to the sermon I felt nothing. At our small group meeting I felt like I was this shell of a person pretending to be a Christian. But I was still there. I decided to read my Bible anyway, still listen at church and keep fighting. It slowly started to dawn on me that God's hand was all over this. The light started to come on in my head. God was revealing to me in a new way that I was a wretched sinner. He stripped me of my pride. He showed me that I am NOTHING without Him. Everything good comes from Him. Everything good I do comes from Him. He is everything.

I went to church on Sunday. The pastor was in a tizzy because he felt God had shaken him so during his morning devotions. He passed on what he had learned. By the end of that sermon I was shaken up too. The shadow was gone, the darkness fleeing, the sun shining. I was free again. God loved me enough to let me see how destructive and evil my sins were in my life. He let me go through the valley. I had a lot to talk to my husband about after that. A lot to confess. We had a great time of discussion and he talked to me about other things I needed to hear. God is using him to speak to me right now. I have things to clean up. It all starts in the mind you know. If you let that go you are done. Finished. There is no recourse when your mind is under the control of the ememy. It is a terrifying and unforgettable thing. And I thank God He showed me what I was doing to myself. I was responsible for my own sin but God let me chase after it for a brief time to show me how utterly powerless I am when I turn away from Him. This sin I had, this struggle, it's not something we are supposed to struggle with as women. It's dirty and ugly. It's vulgar and nasty. I suppose all sin is. I wouldn't show you all the gory details or discuss those things in the deep recesses of my heart, but if you want to know what it is I will confess because that is the only thing that keeps me humble. Here it is, in a word.

LUST.

Here is what a typical day of homeschooling looks like over here. Every morning I get up and excersize on my elliptical for about 25 minutes. (Ok, every morning last week.) The kids usually are getting up so I let them watch Winnie the Pooh so I can finish and grab a shower. Then the T.V goes off. I wish I had the nerve to kill it like the bumper sticker says. We head downstairs for breakfast. I try to make juice with my juicer a few times a week. We eat and then clean up the mess. I like to read first to the youngest kids (ages 5,3,3) so that they will be less likely to want my attention while schooling my oldest (8). They sit with me on the couch and usually my youngest has bouncing issues while the others listen really well. Then I start school with my oldest. He is the easiest kid to homeschool ever. He wants to get his work done quickly and listens well and tries hard. We usually do our Galloping the Globe, writing and some science for the next 45 minutes to an hour while the other kids play in the next room. Then Jacob does his LA, handwriting, math and reading independantly. Then I will usually tend to the the younger ones who by now have something they want from me and then do some laundry or other housework. We usually have a short break and a snack and then I start school with my middle child. He was so reluctant at the beginning of the year to do school but now he does very well. We do his LA, phonics, math and thinking skills and we are done in about 20-30 minutes. His core work is what I read to him and the twins in the morning. If I am feeling really ambitious we will do a craft project too. Otherwise the kids color and paint or do playdoh. Then I finish any science or outstanding work. By now it's lunch time and I am thinking about what needs to get done the rest of the day. Quiet time is at 1:00 when the boys go in their rooms to play quietly and the twins nap. During this time I plan, read my bible, pray, make calls or whatever the case may be. Then 2:30 rolls around and the twins are getting up and the boys are coming downstairs. Now it's time to decide what needs to be cleaned and what chores need to be done. The neighborhood kids start knocking on the door at about 3:00 and sometimes the older boys go out to play. Some days there are errands to run and there are always little things that need to be done like budget, library searches, planning for the next week, curriculum research, meal planning, bible study etc, etc.  I start thinking about thawing something for dinner around 4:00, by 5 I am cooking and by 6 by hubby is home and we are eating. After the dishes are done it is usually close to 7 and the kids are allowed to pick a movie and then I am pretty much done for the day. That means it's time for me to read or study or plan some more. (I have a slight addiction).

We are on Spring Break for the next two weeks and my goal is to teach my kids to do really well with housework and step up their requirements more. So I guess it's really Spring Training. I am also focusing on discipline. They are doing pretty well over all but they need to be fine tuned--or maybe it's me that needs to be tuned.

The more I homeschool the more I love it. The closer I get to my kids and the better they get along with each other. I am interested to see where the next few years take us as I teach 3 how to read (the ps did that with my oldest) and I take on 4 full time schedules. It's pretty easy now with one 3rd grader, a kindergartener and two preschoolers. Honestly I am really looking forward to it because every year I homeschool I grow so much and so do my kids.

I thought I should write about some of the wonderful things that God has done. He has really answered some major prayers so I want to share and also remember. I will add more about this in the future too.

Interestingly enough, this blog is about God calling us to homeschool and how He used prayer. We sent our oldest son to PreK, K and 1st grade. I knew about homeschooling but I was never going to do that! Not because I thought it was bad but because I thought I wouldn't survive. In the beginning of my son's first grade year the school was at a temporary facility. It was an old charter school that had closed and there was a public park next to it. That served as the playground. Every morning when I dropped him off he had to walk all the way across campus to drop off his backpack and then go to the playground. The school went up to 8th grade. I just hated him walking all that way, on an open campus with those scary big kids on the loose, LOL! I pondered homeschool for the first time and my husband flat out refused to even consider it. Anyway, the school moved and so did we and my son started riding the bus. Not because I loved the idea but because his 1yo twin siblings were taking their only nap during that time and I wasn't about to give that up. It was a rough time for me.

My little guy was coming home from school every day in a fit. He held his feelings in until he got home and then he exploded. He would say "I just can't sit there all day long!" and "It's so boring!" and "T and I are friends because he hates school too". I didn't know how he was going to last for 11 more years.

Then my husband and I went to a wedding. A family I had known and respected for years was there. I knew they were homschooling. During the rehearsal dinner I saw this mom's 12yo son take her hand and lead her up to the dance floor for a dance. I have to say I was astounded. A twelve year old kid who wanted to dance with his mother? My 6 yo wouldn't even give me a hug when I dropped him off for school because he was afraid his friends would see and laugh at him.

So, I started praying. I secretly started asking other homschool moms too about how and why they did what they did. The more books I read and the more I researched, the more I was convicted, convinced and excited about homeschooling. But there was this obstacle called my husband. I promised God that I would absolutely not try to talk him into it or sway him. This is what I prayed, "God, I am willing to do this if you want me too. I am nervous and scared and I don't know how I will manage, but I feel like you are calling me. But You have to tell my husband. I know that if this is Your will You will bring it to pass." I never said a word to my hubby. Not even a hint. Even if the subject came up I ignored it. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed believing and hoping and trusting. Then one day my husband and I were on a date. He started talking about a guy at work who's wife homeschooled their kids. I prayed, got the ok and all I said was "Do you know why they homeschool?" He tossed out a few reasons and then said "Why do you want to homeschool?" I didn't know what to say so I said, "If God wants me to I will". Then the magic words came out of his mouth that answered all those prayers. He said, "You can homeschool if you want to, I just want our son to get a good education." I was so flabbergasted that I couldn't speak. I couldn't even have a conversation with him because I wasn't supposed to be trying to talk to him about us homeschooling. It was hard to switch gears. Soon after we had a long car ride and we were able to discuss the whole thing. It was official. We were going to homeschool. It turns out that this guy that my husband worked with had been talking to him about it for weeks. Also, my husband had worked at some local high schools recently and felt like our son wasn't going to do well in that environment. God was working on us both all along. He's so cool that way. And I never said a word or tried to convince my husband, it was all God. I will never forget how that felt.

I am in the midst of praying for something else right now but I will have to wait until that request has been fulfilled before commenting on it. :)

I had a huge victory in overcoming anger recently and I wanted to share my experience. Someone just e-mailed me about it and this is taken from what I wrote to her. These are most of the steps I took to get where I am now.

"First and foremost make sure you are reading His Word everyday. I really love the Psalms and Proverbs and Galations through Colossions. There is parenting and attitude stuff in there galore. Col 3:12 and James 3:17 (in fact the whole first chapter of James is great) are good memory verses. I feel that we can't get to know him and love him better if we aren't gettting to know Him through his word. It's living and active!
There are several other books I have read that I feel contributed to my growth along the way (of course bc God led me to them). I read the Heart of Anger by Lou Priolo. It helped me to see that I was provoking my kids to anger a lot. That makes parenting really hard. I read Believing God by Beth Moore, Stormie Ormatain's books on prayer helped to jumpstart my prayer life and faith in God. I read Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer and I want to read Loving God with all your Mind by ?(elizabeth george?). I also did a lot of fasting and seeking God in my spare time (after the kids were in bed). I can't fast from food bc I am hypoglycemic so I fasted from sugar, spending money, SL forums, TV. I heard a great sermon from S.M. Davis about anger too. I remember just coming to the end of myself and telling God I couldn't do a thing without him. I think my *journey* is not necessarily one that someone else can follow to the letter bc your anger might be coming from a different place than mine. I asked God to show me what my problems were through fasting and prayer and the Word and the other books. He helped me see where the issues were and I am certain he can do that for you. I do encourage you to read those books, but I also encourage you to ask Him to lead you to anything else that will help you. Ask him every day to show you if you have any idols or anger toward dh or other family or anyone. And then look out bc when you ask with a sincere heart he shows you stuff and sometimes it stinks! LOL!
What I finally realized in the end was that I was thinking of myself all the time (who doesn't?) We are all royally selfish right? My idol was self and I was resentful of my kids for taking away ME. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. No one who knows me would probably even think that but I was very self-focused. I didn't want to die to self to serve my family (how un-Jesus like).

 I also had to learn that I had to hold EVERY thought captive to Christ and I had to learn to tame my tounge. James says that the tounge is a rudder that steers the whole ship. Oh my! When I am not watching my tounge my ship really goes the wrong way. I am teaching this to my kids too. I ask them, "How are we steering our ships today guys?"  That verse in Psalms "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, be pleasing to you, oh my rock and my redeemer". I will insist until the day I die that if a person can watch their thoughts and their tounge that they will win most of the battles in every day life. That's where it all starts right? If you don't think to ourselves...
"I can't stand the noise today, I want a break from these kids today, My dh is such a jerk, I can't wait until the kids are grown up and I can be alone, My son is so stubborn and pigheaded", etc, etc
Those are the beginning of a bad attitude, bad day and verbal assaults. We have to take those thoughts captive to Christ. "This kid is such a pain--no wait--I love this kid and he's a sinner like me. He needs guidance and that's my job." That's how we do it. We have started instituting a "do over" in our house. If the thoughts and words and anger are flaring up I stop and call a "do over". We literally say we are starting the day over right now and "forgetting what is behind, straining for what is ahead, we press in toward the goal..." I am really a different person than I was but my flesh still doesn't leave me alone. It rears is head from time to time to see if it can take over again. I have to be vigilant and watchful. Usually when my kids start acting up I know that I must have a tone in my voice or something bc they are so reactionary."

All I can say is that it is good to be free. There was once a time when I was in a rage all day, every day. Every second I had to fight myself not to scream and my family really paid for that. I was that woman who was tearing her family down with her own hands. It was so devastating and I couldn't stop. Satan had a foothold on me. That is hell, let me tell you. Here is the key to overcoming footholds of anger--holding every thought cative, watching our tounge and dying to self. The things about footholds is that they are feeding a sin we harbor. Mine was being selfish. This is a generational sin that I pray will stop here. I want my family to live in freedom.

I am reading a certain marriage book right now. You know that one about being a helpmeet. It has been very interesting and enlightening in a few ways. But before I started reading it I had this idea mulling around in my head. I think the book just confirmed it.

I think that we women forget that our marriages are not just about us and dear hubby. I think that when we try to change our husband, wish that he would grow up, pray that he will wake up, or whatever the case may be, we are forgetting one very important thing. We are not in this alone. Have you ever heard the analogy of the triangle? God is at the top point and husband and wife are the bottom points. As they grow closer to God they grow closer to each other. It's a cute little picture isn't it?

The thing that I like the best is that there are 3 of us in it! I think it is so easy to get caught up in trying to do everything ourselves (we are women after all).

I have to help my husband see that I am right.

I have to show him that he can parent better.

I have to subtly let him know that my way is best.

I have to make him read his bible and lead the family.

It should be more like this.

I need to show my husband that he is special.

I need to fulfill his physical needs.

I need to think of him more and me less.

I need to honor him and love him.

I need to accept him right where he is (stop trying to change him).

You see, in that second list God is present. He is there because self-sacrifice and service are there. That was the epitome of Jesus here on earth. If we were to go through our day thinking of what kind of spouse Jesus would be, things would go better. When we focus on what we need, we want, we deserve, we will always lose.

No man could ever live up to a womans standards. I think they are all too high. Unless that woman loved her husband the way Jesus loved people. Jesus loves us now right where we are. While we are still sinners. He never said we had to change first and then he would be a sacrifice.

Another thought. When we serve our husbands and familys and when we love them in a Christ-like way (not in a martyr/victim way) then we are truly serving Jesus and bringing him glory. He will never be glorified by our judgments, nagging, wishing, praying for our husbands to change. We have to change first. We have to serve first.  We have to put others first (somehow our husbands get left out of this mix). I am pretty sure in the history of the world, no man has ever become the wonderful God-fearing man that his wife wanted him to be because she nagged and prayed and railed on him. God will not honor a woman who is trying to do the job of the Holy Spirit.

If you are thinking that I don't know what a jerk your husband is then you might be right. But God didn't say in all those verses about honoring your husband that you were the exception because he is a jerk. You are really not doing it for him anyway. You are doing it out of obedience to God. Cheerful, happy, joyful obedience. That is what is rewarded in heaven and maybe even here on earth.

That third person in your marriage also happens to be the one that can truly bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. Your sweet human sinning husband will always fall short of that. And so will you!

Perfectionists. I know a few. I am related to one (at least one). I think if you know one then you will know what I am talking about. If you are one, you will think I am crazy. I think perfectionism is an illness. Perfectionism puts things above people. It puts the outcome above the process. The only thing that matters is whether something is perfect or not.

There are perfectionist homemakers. The house always has to be PERFECT. Even if the kids are all required to walk on eggshells so they don't mess up the house. Even if the man of the house can't toss his undies on the floor without the wrath of the woman. Martha Stewart would be proud of her closet organization and linen collection. She will spend hours cleaning her house while ignoring her kids.

There are perfectionist business men. Forgot the genius a person possesses. What if he doesn't portray that perfect image?  The right car and suit means everything. And he must work 18 hour days. How else will he get things right? He will spend his life at work while ignoring his family.

There are perfectionist kids. Straight A's all the way. Doesn't matter if they learn anything. He may be star or the football team or she may be the head cheer leader. They have to be everything in order to be anything. It doesn't matter if they are a good friend or a caring person. They have to have those perfect college transcripts.

I believe that perfectionism is trying to show the world that you are good enough. It is an outside trait. It may even be something used to mask our insecurities.

Excellence. Now that is something to strive for. Doing our best. Doing all for God's glory. This will not include putting clean floors before a fun afternoon at the park. Nor will it include sacrificing your family to be the most highly respected business owner. And it really won't mean kids who are more concerned with looking right than doing right. Excellence is from the inside. It is doing your best because YOU are watching. Not because  THEY are watching.

Perfectionism is suffocationg. If you screw up, then you lose. Then you may become what Kevin Leman calls a 'defeated perfectionist'. You are too afraid to move or breathe because you might screw up. So you stop trying. If you don't try then you can't fail.

Excellence is freeing because it allows failure. It allows humanity. We all mess up here and there. I have a firstborn son (a lot of perfectionists are firstborn) who hates to fail. The world crashes down on him if he makes a mistake. I have to give him permission to fail. I have to teach my little perfectionist that failure is a wonderful learning tool. It's ok to mess up. God allows it. He expects it. And "he works all things together for good for those who love the Lord".

Now I have to go clean my house. But I assure you it won't be perfect when I am done. ;)

This is part 2 of the first entry. I had wanted to talk about this in the first enrty but I went in another direction.

So, if God is in control, and His hand is in everything in our lives, then what about our sin and it's consequenses? Those were the rest of the thoughts swirling around this morning. Satan has to ask permission to touch us. But can we give him permission ourselves?

Job was a man who was blameless before God. In Job 1 we see that God had put a hedge of protection around him. I think we can't miss the correlation here. When we are living a blameless (not perfect) life we recieve all of God's blessings (don't read that as material things). And yes, God can still decide to let Satan take a crack at you so you can be a witness to the world of his power and strength. But with those things aside, do we ever give Satan our blessing? Let me go this way for a minute and beware, it might get confusing.

Eph. 4:26-27 says if we let the sun go down on our anger we give the devil a foothold. That looks to me like Satan can get a backdoor into our lives. And just so you know I am speaking from experience here. I have given him a foothold in the past. And yes, you should run screaming (to God) if you think he has one on you. It is pure torture.

My thinking goes like this. When we are living righteously, which means we are not living in any blatent, unconfessed sin, then we are in God's protection. Proverbs 2:7-8, "He holds victory in store for the upright, He is a shield to those whose walk is blameless, for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of this faithful one". Job was still under God's protection when he was afflicted. Satan still had to ask to touch him and God told him exactly what he could and couldn't do. But I believe we can put ourselves in danger when we dangle our foot over the egde of the wall, so to speak. When we just dabble in anger, resentment, bitterenss, immorality then we are giving Satan access to part of us. He will grab on to that foot and he will not let us go. Do you realize when someone as strong as Satan has a hold on your foot, you cannot walk anywhere or even go anywhere. I don't think it's called a foothold by mistake. You may know what I am talking about. And I sincerly believe that once you give him a little part of you (I don't really have to forgive, obey, serve, give) then he takes more and more until you are consumed. So why doesn't God just swat him away? For one thing, if He did, he would be condoning our sin. Another big thing, He wants us to learn our lesson. We will never experience all of the wonderful things He has to offer when we are serving Satan. Yes I did say that. We cannot serve two masters. We have bo ever-vigilant about not letting the evil one take over in our lives. I believe that a large percentage of Christians today are doing this, but that's another issue. I hope you don't hear me say "I have arrived at perfection" but I am just wanting anyone out there who reads this to possibly learn from my mistakes.

Here I am, writing my first blog entry. One person told me they would read my blog if I started one (that's you Brooke!). I intend to mostly write about what God is teaching me on a daily basis. But I shouldn't promise to write every day.(And forgive my crummy wrting)

This morning as I was waking up these thoughts were swirling around in my head. Our church teaches that God is always in control, no matter what. Nothing just happens to us randomly. The Bible states that God has had every day of our life planned out from before time began. I'll have to find that reference, I think it's Job or Psalms. Job is that famous book where the poor guy loses everything under the sun. His livestock, his servants, his kids, and even his health. But remember that Satan had to ask permission to even touch Job? Which immediately reminds me of the apostle Peter.  Jesus told him that "Satan has asked permission to sift you like wheat" (YIKES!!) Is this a theme? Satan has to ask to touch us.

 So when bad stuff happens is it always because God chose it? After all He planned out every day of our life. Or maybe it's just that he chose to allow it? (I mean that his hand wasn't really in it, but he sat back and did not intervene) Well I have to say I prefer the first one. Not because I think that God likes to give someone cancer or crash their car. But because if those things happened randomly, and he was just sitting back not intervening, How scary would that be? How could we really trust Him to be there for us?

I am just like everyone else and some junky things have happened in my life. When I look back I have to say I can truly see God's hand. There is one really yucky thing in particular that, if it hadn't happened, I may not be sitting here right now having this life. It was so terrible, that it made me run to God. And I mean RUN! It was painful and evil and heartbreaking. But God used it to turn me from my rebellion from Him. So, did He just let it happen because he knew he could use it down the road? Maybe. Or maybe He caused it to happen because He loved me so much that he took drastic measures to return me to his flock. Have you heard that shepards used to break the leg of a lamb who kept running away? Then he would carry that lamb on his shoulders until it became dependant on him again (and while it healed).

 How much it must hurt a loving God to have to break the leg of His child. But what a powerful love that is! I don't think I could do it to my own child. But my love isn't holy. My love doesn't see the whole picture. And my love usually forgets that this life is just a breath, a vapor. This is not our home.