• Jul. 22, 2008
Yep, this says it all.

I have heard this song so many times, but today I was just laying here praying and it came on, and I really listened to the lyrics.... yes this song is my very heart!!!  No I don't really want the rain LOL,,, but I do want whatever will in some way bring God glory... I will never let go, not ever... why would I?? He is the only one who can fix me!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIFOPWHjA6c&feature=related

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• Jul. 20, 2008
Stained Galss Masquerade

Our worship band played this song today... boy I LOVED it!!! 

Stained glass masquerade by Casting Crowns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRUJrjUGGfg

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the heart again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

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• Jul. 19, 2008
Just being transparent!

So I am struggling with some stuff... I have to write about it to get it all figured out... its like I tell Robert, journal journal jouranl... when you are happy journal, when you are sad journal... and most importantly when confusing feelings come to you, journal.... it is usually the only way I have seen to really make sense of things and allow feelings, even those based on lies to make sense....

So last night I was doing just fine... I was a little sad when it turned 2am and Sam wasn't home from work yet... but nothing huge... When Sam got home and then came to bed, I got up to go to the bathroom... and I said a little prayer "God it sure feels like you are trying to torture me"... and that was it, the flood gates opened up and I cried and cried and cried... where in the world did that come from?? 

I know that God loves me, but I realized I have really been struggling with it lately!!!  I just feel like since I have been married to Sam I have been going through one thing after another... I have always looked at those things as growing pains... but I am really struggling with that now.... it really has always been one more thing...

Yes I still know without a doubt that God wanted me to marry Sam... and I love him SO much... but it is crazy the chaos that has continued since getting married with him... So okay, I may be a stronger person, and I may look at our marriage and be in awe that we are even still together...

It all started with us being together before marriage anyway,,, is all of this a result of that sin, of not waiting until we were married to share a bed???  Yes of course God's mercy and grace flows to the ends of the earth, and I have seen it over and over in my life... but seriously I am really starting to question all of this...

When I first moved in with Sam my life went from a little nuts as I learned how to raise a baby on my own, to SUPER crazy with now being a 23 year old raising a 9 month old, a almost 6 year old and a 16 year old...  I became with to a restaurant manager who was totally crazy about his work schedule... when we first got together, Sam would get home at 2am, sleep until 11am, drag his behind to the computer and sit there until 1pm and then get up and get ready for work and leave at 1:30... this was our life...

Within 3 months of this routine, I kicked it out the window, I wasn't here to be a built in babysitter, and I didn't get married so that I could be a single parent to 3 kids... i remember my mom saying to me "Allana, I was a single mother, you can do this"... I said "MOM, I am married, I SHOULD BE a single parent!!"  She realized then that I was right, if I was a single parent than I would deal with that, but here I was married and yet doing it all alone... Growing pains.

As I stood up for my right to be married and for someone else to share the load with me... I struggled very much with John... he was use to being boss in the house... and we really struggled with our place in the house was... it was a major power struggle..  Sam did little to help in that situation, he just got annoyed that every second I was complaining about John being late and John saying this, and John doing that.. and John breaking rules left and right... and Sam's comment was "at least he isn't doing drugs or sleeping around".... Growing pains

Then came the struggle with Robert... yes it started back in Indy... I was so insecure in who I was as a parent, feeling that I had to prove to everyone that I was a great parent even yes at 23-24... I could raise this kids just fine... well in doing so I pushed Robert to perfection... I pushed and I pushed... yes this is my fault.... I take full responsibility for it!!!  My heart breaks when I think of the pride monster Robert tends to be and it is my fault... Our relationship got REALLY bad when his mom came back into the picture... that was in 2003, shortly after Chayla was born... Robert then started to fight my authority... and even though I backed off with the pushing thing at least a bit.,... it just didn't matter, the wounds were set, and the relationship got rocky... His mom became his idea of what moms were to be.. that half an hour mom who is sweet as pie... someone who just spends half an hour every week telling him how wonderful he is and how excited she is of everything he is doing... and he transferred that to me being a bad mom because I did discipline and I did teach and instruct... and because I didn't treat him with sweetest every second I was with him, I was evil and she was good... the problem is, he still struggles with that... Growing pains.

Then came a true fight with Sam in my starting to hate him... yes I was hating him... I hated how he neglected the kids, I hated how he ignored me, I hated that work always came first... I hated that the only time he touched me was when he wanted to have sex... I hated it, I hated being his live in babysitter and yet I didn't have a husband at all... and the kids didn't have a father, and I was fed up!  I spent from when we started living together August 2001 until Feb 2005 with this type of thing going on... Robert was a mess, and I had told him that over and over again, and yet what did he do???  Sam thing he did about John "At least Robert isn't screaming and telling you he hates you"... well Sam wasn't there... no Robert isn't a screamer, but trust me he "shouted" I hate you ever second he could... and found ways to hurt me and his sisters in mental ways... So I left

Yes, I left... I had no intentions to really really leave, but I did walk away one morning... I left him a note, "When you care about what I have to say, call me".... I would have never left my girls for good, even if I was going to leave Sam I would have taken them with me... but I didn't I just drove around our town until I got the phone call... and I told him how I was feeling, about the sex, about the parenting, about the marriage about his love for work and how family and God came into a huge second place...

The coolest part was, he listened... really listened... I think I helped him realize, he was treating me just like his ex-wife... only I wasn't going to deal with his crap! 

Shortly after our talk, he left Buca's and went to work with Uno Chicago Grill (March 2005)... I am not even going to get into the hell that came from that restaurant... but we had two major growing pains during this time - 1. I couldn't get pregnant... we had been actively trying since Feb 2004.... growing pains... every month being destroyed when I would wonder and take the test and see that I wasn't pregnant.... the other growing pain was his job... which took even more of Sam's time from home... as he now worked from 3 - 3am... he was grumpy, we got no time together, and no one to watch our kids and though I could see the change.... it was very slow going...

Well the rest of the growing pains, if you have read my blogs at all, you know, I FINALLY got pregnant October 2005, and the pregnancy started off great!!!  I was healthy and thrilled to be pregnant, the kids were SO happy!!!!  But in Jan 2006 I caught a cold, and it was AWEFUL, I could hardly get out of bed... and it lasted for weeks, that soon turned into throwing up all the time... I would crawl to the bathroom I was SO weak.... Then of course as you all should know, I lost baby Josiah at 20 weeks, Growing pains.

Then 3 other losses, growing pains... my struggling in my relationship with a child who desires so much for me to love him, but as soon as he feels loved he runs away scared and pushes me away hard and guards his heart so that I can't come in or even close... growing pains...

And now, Sam's job... sure the arena wasn't the best,,, but from mid June until the end of September was glorious... his hours were cut way back to maybe 55 hours a week... probably less than that... and even though hockey season he was home M-Th for dinner and time for family... and now... well the last 2 days he has been home for dinner, but a week and a half being late for dinner.

Look, I say all of this not to say oh my life is so awful and hard... please, I know that a lot of you who read this have it way harder than I can even imagine... and I get that... but this is hard for me... especially over the last 2 1/2 years... I just feel like God has dangled my dreams and desires in my face just to snatch them away and laugh all the while...

I guess it started before that as I tried so hard to get pregnant with Josiah, while this friend and that friend and this cousin and that cousin got pregnant without even trying and usually complaining about it all the way... laughing at me... okay so I know I really do know that God isn't really laughing at me, I know He isn't like that, but I tell ya, it sure does feel that way sometimes... Oh so your dream is twins - HA, I will let you watch 3 of your close friends have their twins and give you... NOTHING HAHAHAH...

And every time you get pregnant and you feel you may actually get your dream.... you finally get to the place of not worrying anymore... Bam, I am gonna take from you,,, and You will HAVE to watch a handful or more of friends and relatives that get to carry to term with healthy babies they want you to hold... laughing at me... Oh does this hurt?? Let me pour some salt in the wound, where you are so sick you can't get out of your bed for 2 1/2 months... HAHAHA... while you lose friends at church and people stop looking at you like a human being, but just some thing that cant carry to term... Laughing at me...

Yes I know I know that isn't God, that it is the enemy that is coming against me... I do KNOW the truth,,, I know ... I do know... but to feel God's love through it, yes I have felt it at times... but lately, especially with Sam back at Buca's... well I am just a mess...

Oh, so you got comfortable with time with your husband, real time with your husband, with a sex life that was thriving in a healthy way... with feeling close emotionally with him... BAM, I am shutting that door, and now you get to live the life you hated for years... Him too tired, him grumpy, him ignoring you, him pushing the kids away, him being late and putting others first every single time... HA! Every single time...

Last night I lost it... I realized I am struggling with feeling loved by God... I feel like he is just enjoying torturing me... HAHAHA and yet she still stays, she still holds on... I can do whatever I want to her and she stays wanting more... doesn't matter how hard I knock her down, she comes back wanting more...

so this is what I am working through... Knowing without a doubt that God is good, he truly is good... he isn't abusive and enjoying my pain... but when will it stop, even for a moment??  When will I breathe again??  When will the hurt and tears leave my eyes... do I really have to wait until heaven?? 

I don't want to hurt anymore... but I refuse to let go... I will never let go... I am holding on... and when I can't hold on, I pray that the Holy Spirit just ties me to the ROCK so that I wont get washed away...

As my mom taught me all through my high school years... God may allow things to break you, but He is the ONLY one who can put you back together... that is what I am needing... as soon as I even start feeling like the pieces are starting to form, someone knocks the table and all my pieces fall all over the floor once again. 

Jesus I know you are my Healer, I am standing on THAT truth, help me fight these lies and see the truth before me... YOU LOVE ME!!!  YOU LOVE ME!!!!  YOU LOVE ME!!!!  I know you do!!! and I will stand on that...

I am not sure if anyone will take the time to read this rambling... but let me just say, there are SO many Christians out there who really don't trust God's love... you may feel like he is laughing at you too... as you can read, I understand those feelings... but trust me when I say, those feelings come straight from the enemy who would like nothing else but for our faith and drive for God die... Keep holding on... I am gonna keep holding on too!!!  I WONT LET GO!!! 

And I trust there will be a day when all of this, may still never make sense, but I will stand... I will STAND,, and I will not smell like smoke... I wont!!!  I will look back and say "WOW God you got me through all of this, and look where I am today"..... Praise God he is our hope!!!

Dan 3:19-27

Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual and commanded some of the strongest soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and throw them into the blazing furnace. So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. The king's command was so urgent that the furnace was so hot that the flames of the fire KILLED THE SOLDIERS who took up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and these three men, firmly tied, fell into the blazing furnace.

Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped up to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, "Weren't there three men that were tied up and threw into the fire?" They replied, "Certainly, O king." He said , "Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like the son of the gods."

Nebuchadnezzar then approached the opening of the blazing furnace and SHOUTED, "Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, servant of the Most High God, come out! Come out!

So Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego came out of the fire, and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. THEY SAW THAT THE FIRE HAD NO HARMED THEIR BODIES, NOR WAS A HAIR OF THEIR HEADS SINGED; THEIR ROBES WERE NOT SCORCHED,

AND THERE WAS NO SMELL OF FIRE ON THEM!!!!

Lam 3:19-25

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are NOT CONSUMED, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him," The LORD is good to those whose hope is him, to the one who seeks him.

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• Jul. 17, 2008
Time with Tina

Tina and her husband and their three kids were helping out our church a few years back... they are from England, and they were here for a year... Most of that year however, I didn't know them because I was living outside of MI or not going to church... When I got pregnant with Sami, I came back to church and met Tina and her family and fell in love quick!!!  Tina is one of the most amazing people I have ever known!!!  She is so loving and giving and insightful and on fire!!!  She is here in MI visiting for a month... for me, its still just not enough time LOL, but we meet up last night... her and her daughter Simone, and then my mom, Samantha, Chayla and I went out for dessert at Applebee's...  it was so good to see them!!!  My mom hasn't seen her since they were at the church... I have seen them often... they come to visit the church, my mom no longer goes there, but I make a point to go visit her every chance I have... They come about once a year for the most part ....   I thought it was funny that we have the same hair color now ;o)

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• Jul. 17, 2008
Just a couple pics

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