• Oct. 5, 2008
Update on the latest miscarriage, and the journey through it

Okay,  first of all... if you are offended, hurt, upset or angry with me for not telling you about the pregnancy... please try to understand why.  

#1. it is a major protection for my kids.  I will get into more details later on in this post, but let me just say, Sam and I were fully aware of the fact that we may lose again, and number one I didn't want the kids to get up home until we were past the danger zone (which is 15 wks for me).... and number two I just couldn't handle all three of them saying to me every single day "Mommy I sure hope this baby lives"...  I knew that if I started telling people, it would end up coming out to them... and I didn't want that.  Not until I was between 15-17 weeks that is when I was going to announce.  

#2. I knew this was a journey between me, Sam and God... Again we knew the possibility was great for miscarriage, and we didn't want number one people to give us their Congrats!  and number two, I just wasn't ready for the statements of "well I sure hope this time it works out for you" or "well, we will just pray THIS baby through"... though I know many people have said that in the past out of support, but to both Sam and I, there is a hint of negitive.  And I was trying to keep my heart and mind positive...

#3.  I really didn't want ladies that were pregnant with me feel bad when I lost and they kept... I have had a really good friend in my past where I have been pregnant with her 2x and I have lost both times.. it is so strange the relationship now.. and I already knew that I had quite a few friends pregnant with me and I didn't want that "weirdness". (and which is why I would still perfer you to keep this between us here) 

So let me share this journey with you,

I guess I actually have to start way back when I lost baby number 7... December 27th.  I got ANGRY, angry with God, angry that I needed people to give to us again, and I shut down... I shut down from everyone... If I could get out of going to church I did.  Both Sam and I came up with every excuse possible... it is the first time either one of us have done this since we got married.. I ended up in a deep depression... I was so angry with God that HE would do this again.  that He would allow me to go through this again... to knock my kids down one more time... and even though it was far from my friends fault, I got angry with them too... just the fact that I needed the looks again, I needed their help.. so I refused.. I didn't let any of them give to us... I curled up in my heart and just kind of died myself... I had a few friends that refused to let me pull away for long, and for them I am SO grateful for!! 

Sam and I got so angry we said NO MORE KIDS!  I am never going through this again, if you have been my blogger reader for awhile, you probably remember those posts,  I figured God was being pretty loud and clear that he didn't want me to have any more kids... oh and the guilt, it tore my heart to shreds.. I yelled at Robert that is why I lost, I am an awful mother why in the world would God ever bless me with more children to destroy... oh let me tell you, you turn your eyes away from God and the lies become so big and overtaking!  I stepped out of ministry after ministry and begged Sam to move us out of the area... I just had to breathe and I couldn't do that here.  But maybe if we could start over.....  ......   ......

Thankfully God is so merciful... Thankfully God is so forgiving.... and HE truly loves us through our fits.  Sure God did a wonderful work in my kids as I stepped back from all the ministries I was apart of at church... they really needed me, and mom was totally freaking out!!  So it helped me regroup, it helped me get my focus back on God...

Part of this focus got a big turn when my Pastor's wife, Nancy pulled me aside after I had sent her an email to let her know that I was struggling with depression... I felt as though I was carrying a disease and everyone was kind of screaming "unclean unclean".... so that I would stay away from them.. I felt like I was from a different planet... people would talk to me and I had no idea what they were saying or talking about... It was such a weird experience!!!  But Nancy pulled me aside, and in her gentle way, she basically said "you have done this to yourself"... because I wouldn't allow my friends to grieve with me, so they didn't know how to respond... she was so sweet about it, ... and then she asked me a really hard question.... "Allana, are you saying you are done trying because God told you to stop, the docs told you to stop, or because you are scared"... and you know what, it reminded me that I had 2 other ladies ask me the very same question... but I wasn't ready to answer it then... I am in tears just writing that question because it is what has made the whole difference in my life...  I realized... I am scared! 

As it turned to spring I started to have a nagging thought of getting pregnant again, but I totally pushed it away... God I am scared, now leave me alone lol.  And the funny thing is,, He did... He just was close as I rebuilt my relationship with him... let the Holy Spirit rebuild my heart and soul.... and rebuilt our family... Many should know that Easter 2007 we sent Robert to live with my mom... and Easter 2008 he moved back in with us... so we were all healing in our relationship with him, and really being a family again.  Sam and I worked on rebuilding our finances... as they were highly destroyed by all the losses and sicknesses!!  The doc bills were out rageous!!!  And funny, i had no desire at all to be pregnant... it was like God just held that dream totally in his hand.  And by the time May came around I was at least have a lot more good days than bad days...  and Sam and I were once again feeling like we needed to give the baby control over to God... not trying to get pregnant just give it totally to him... So I went off of the birth control... and we decided that Sam would start using condoms (sorry for the TMI)... he went to the store and when he came home his face was so downcast... and looked like he had been crying... and he just said "I can't do this"....  We struggled with our fear... how much more can my body truly take???

March 9th, 2006 - delivered Josiah at 20wks

July 2006 - had a lump removed

October 13th - miscarriage at 12wks

Jan 9th - miscarriage at 7wks

All through Jan - Feb had AWFUL pain and bleeding like you wouldn't believe and put on bedrest through those 2 months.

End of Feb 2007 - had gallbladder surgery

December 27th 2007 - miscarriage at 13wks

Truly how much more was I going to need to go through... the confusion was awful... and I struggled with my place with God... I have always had a great and strange relationship with God... I have always seen him as my daddy... and typically when I asked him for anything, he always seemed to say yes... but now.. he was saying no after no and he just seemed close and yet so far at the same time.  He was so personal and I could hear the I love you messages, but to truly feel them.. well it was just different... but Sam and I knew we were suppose to put this baby thing in God's hands.

So, in June, we did just that... and I got pregnant just like that... actually I realized that I was pregnant back at the Idol concert... yes I knew way back then.  Let me tell you , it has been a journey indeed...

Sam didn't want me to test for fear that it would say that I was pregnant.. there was LOTS of fear, LOTS of fear!!!  But it was funny, I am not sure if you have heard of him... but the kids watch a guy "Mr Henry's Wild and Wacky World".... http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=77480&kw=77480&event=PPCSRC&p=1010575   actually its funny, when I did the search, that this link came up cause it is the one I was gonna tell you about lol....  it was on courage... and that you can't have courage unless you are afraid, because courage is when you put fear and faith together... I just cried and cried... and I told God... Lord I am scared, I keep trying to pretend that I'm not... or stuff it down as if it isn't there at all, but I am scared... help me to have faith...

And God's answer was very unusal indeed... "I want you to trust me".... okay that seems easy enough... I totally trust God to be my provider and my healer and my shelter and all those things... I can't stand on those... great.... "No I want you to trust me".... yes Lord I hear you,.,, I trust you to heal me, and I trust you to be here with me.... "No, I want you to trust ME".... I had NO idea at all what God was trying to tell me in the least!!!  Yes I am agreeing with you LORD, I trust you to......  and he stopped me there "I want you to trust ME, not my lables, I want you to trust me"... well that was profound so I had to stop the conversation it scared me, I don't know why it scared me but it did.

But as I spent more time in prayer and worship... and I allowed God to come close to me (you know more times than not, we don't feel God because as we cry out to Him we contiue to push him away).  God was giving me kind of a Moses moment... "I AM".... Will you trust me to be your healer when I don't heal in the way you want me to... will you trust me to be your provider even when I don't provide in the way you want... WOW, I realized, how selfish I was becoming... I spent months pondering these concepts...

Every day from before I got pregnant I gave the baby to God... and Sam and I struggled every day to rejoice in the pregnancy... and yet not close our hand over it.... it was SOOOO hard... and I praised God.. I praised God for life,, when I got fearful, I praised God for the pregnancy... and yet still trying to check my heart that as I rejoiced in the baby, that I was still letting God have it instead of trying to hold it to myself. 

I wish I could discribe all of these things that I went through in full... I often told myself that I should be journaling even if I wasn't sharing it with the world... but I just found myself not doing it... I regret that!!!

So I was struggling with fear, struggling with having to keep it a secret, and yet feeling like I needed to protect others from knowing... and in turn protecting myself from sharing it.  And learning how to trust God because he is God not because of what he will do...

That was so hard with me... it really was... because with every ended pregnancy I guess part of my heart did blame God... Look LORD I believe and trust with my whole heart that you can heal me, heal this baby, heal whatever it is to make this baby come to full term.... I would even promise with each one what Hannah promised, God I will give this baby to you... and yet still... death death death... why???  I just can't see the reason...

So anyway, lots of emotions... and yet a HUGE growth... I have grown SOOOO much in the last 4 months it is just unreal... God and I have such an amazing relationship right now... I am still learning what it means to trust him no matter what life looks like... to believe that everything He does is for the good of me and the good of my family...

Yes I lost again... Tuesday September 16th I went in for my 12wk ultra sound... to find that there was no heartbeat... why at 12wks?? AGAIN??  Baby went into be tested and haven't heard about the result yet,,, I know my doc was pretty "happy" just because the baby came out totally perfect (well aside that it wasn't living)...

I have grieved, it is a lost... but it is SOOOO different... I am not scared to keep trying... and our doc actually assured Sam that I am still young and healthy and there just isn't any reason that we have to stop trying... so once again we are taking in to prayer of when God... we want HIM to have full control.. only HE understands why HE is calling us to this road... but I am not scared... I'm not... it is such a weird feeling to not be scared over this... I feel so free... maybe I really am learning to trust with my faith instead of my eyes. 

Today our Pastor was talking a bit about Job and how his friends told him that it was his sin and his lack in faith on why he was going through all the crab he went through... and yet God said that he was going through it because he was righteous... I am not proud enough or even bold enough to say I am righteous, but it is no longer about a lack in faith,... my faith is growing more and more every day... its not about sin...

My life is totally in your hands Lord... I don't need a reason in the least... yes I have gone through test after test, but it doesn't matter... everything has come out that I should be able to have perfect babies every single time... so now it is totally up to God... I want HIS will only... and I will keep walking his way!!!

So I may be pregnant again and I may or may not tell... I am leaving that up to God...  God your will be done... and any "bad" that I go through let it be used for YOUR good!  AMEN!

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• Sep. 30, 2008
The PA Trip

Okay, Life has been NUTS!!!! 

Let's start with the PA trip today, that is what I have energy for to talk about for right now.

We left on Saturday the 20th. at 6:30am

We arrived to the Farm around 2ishpm

We hung around and chatted for a bit, after dinner the kids put on a Talent show for us all. 

Chayla told her story (she is a GREAT story teller, she always has been!!)

Samantha did some of her FLAME (praise/dance team) songs

Robert did his Karate

Sunday 21st

We went to church together, oh let me tell you, coming from a big "mega" church, it was SOOOO nice going to a small church again!!!  I know God has us at our church but I really do miss the little church feel!!!  It was also so fun, because the church's worship was still set back in the day... we sang the songs I did as a kid... it was like a blast from the past, and that was fun too!!!

After lunch we went out for lunch together.  Then the kids and I had our quiet time.  We had dinner together

then the girls got their baths and then we watched Charlotte's Web.

On Monday 22nd

We went to the Pittsburg Zoo

Boy was I ever beat when we got home... we had dinner together and then "Tita" read the kids a bed time story,

then they got some sugar free ice cream before bed.. I am sitting there working on school stuff.

Tuesday the 23rd

We all went out to the pond so the kids could fish... I worked on my Bible Study and school stuff.

Then we said our goodbyes to "Tita" and "Tito" :o( 

and headed on out. We arrived very tired at 10:30pm.

It was a great trip, I sure wish we were able to see Sam's parents a lot more often!

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• Sep. 27, 2008
Catching up just a bit

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• Sep. 8, 2008
Just ramblings on the weekend

 

 

Good morning,

 

Friday night Sam and I had a double date with a couple from church... we had SO much fun!!!   We went out for dinner and I couldn't believe that we had sat there for 3 hours just talking and eating... Then we were gonna go mini-golfing, but the couples sitter had to get home in an hour, so we didn't have much time.. so we went and walked around a town near us where they were having a festival.... basically we just walked around and chatted as we could through the noise of all the teenagers LOL... Then they invited us back to their place to let their sitter go home and have some ice cream.  We got there around 10pm and didn't go home until almost midnight... it was so much fun!!!  Our babysitter (which was my mom) was just staying the night so we didn't have to be home at any certain time.

 

Saturday - Samantha, Chayla and I went to the Mom2Mom sale... MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) puts it on 2 times a year to help raise money for the moms that are apart of the group so they don't have to put in much cost for the group.  I found a TON of stuff for both the girls, pretty well everything I had written down that they were gonna need for the fall and winter I was able to find.  I just need to find a few more dresses for Chayla and some jammies for Sami.. and thats it.  I was so excited to get such good deals!!! I only spent 60.00 and I got Chayla 6 pairs of jeans, tennis shoes and one of the most beautiful dresses I have ever seen.. I will have to get a pic of it up... it alone was probably close to 40+ retail price, so I was excited... and then for Sami I got her 4 beautiful long dresses, 1 pair of jeans and a jogging outfit.. and then 6 shirts and 3 pj's, oh yeah and some ruby slippers that is gonna go perfect for the outfit she has already picked out for Christmas (LOL yes she is my girl)... can you believe that, all that for 60.00!!!! And I even bought us hot dogs and chips for lunch!!!  AWESOME... its like a HUGE yard sale. 25 sellers.  Too cool!!!

 

Sunday was a nice day, we went to church, then went for a walk as a family... I got in a great Sunday nap... and then the kids and I just watched a movie together... it was nice and relaxed!!!

 

Today, we are doing school, then Robert has Karate. That's about it on the plans for today!

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• Sep. 3, 2008
First Day at School

 

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