• Wednesday, July 8, 2009
"You Have So Much Faith" huh? me?
“You Have So Much Faith”
I can't tell you how many times I have heard this very statement and those like it.... and I turn around and wonder who people are talking about.... I feel like I lack faith in so many ways... I can't tell you how many times over the last 3 years I have cried out to God to give me Faith... and yet, friend after friend have poured over me "You have so much faith".... then it hit me last night... I think the closer you get to God, the smaller you feel... the more you know that HE IS ALL and EVERYTHING....and you truly are nothing…. there is nothing more important, and nothing that is bigger... To others my faith is great, to me.... well.... God is still working on me. My first response to scary things is still fear.
When I looked up at that ultrasound screen, and they showed closely the baby's chest, and no heartbeat at all..... I sat stunned.... I couldn't make my head or heart even sort of understand what they were looking at. Because I was so sure that this baby to live was a promise from God... I really really believed that... even though daily I had to fight again the fear of miscarriage....
After so so so many people have poured out their love and support on us yesterday..... my faith was strengthened... “don't let a screen tell you what is going to happen”. My first response has always been to have a D&C because after losing Josiah (3/9/06, that started this heart wrenching growth process).... we realized that though I delivered him at 19 1/2 weeks, he had stopped forming at 14wks, which kind of shows that my body just doesn't miscarry on its own... every time we have saw no heartbeat and went to have a D&C there have been people who have told us not to, and yet I always felt peace about it....
Well not this time... The first message came from my mom - "trust God's promise and not see through man's eyes"... I couldn't even accept that at first... I got angry and said "I saw the no heartbeat myself, 2x, if God wanted this baby to live we would see that" and I dismissed her words completely.
Then I send a message to EVERYONE in my phone and that included texting a message to FB about the fact that there was no heartbeat. My dear sweet friend, Kirsten P, called me to see how the appointment went.... I told her that there was no heartbeat... you should have heard the shock in her voice... all she kept saying was "are you sure? could they be wrong?" I didn't really know how to accept that either... I was like "Kirsten I saw it with my own eyes, there was no heartbeat - 2x).... she believed with us that this was a true promise from God that this baby was going to live here on the earth. As soon as I got off the phone with her, the texts started to FLOOD in! Started with yet another great friend of mine who asked if they were sure, and that we should go have another ultrasound just to be sure... again I shut this down... WHY? I saw the no movement, I saw the no heartbeat... why hang on to something that isn't there...
Then yet another message, she said that she was heartbroken and sad for us, and then 2 seconds later texted me again and said that she was still going to believe that God's promises are true. That is when I started to cry.
See... right now Sam doesn't have insurance... and its a little sticky trying to figure out how we were going to have a D&C anyway. Then after these 4 people messaged me, I turned to Sam with tears in my eyes and I said "Maybe this is God's perfect timing, D&C's are just always our first response, and it seems He is making it impossible, maybe we aren't suppose to have a D&C this time".....
Then the messages from Facebook started to flood in, some of them I missed on my phone - these are the ones I got while still driving home -
"wow! let me tell you, that happened to my mom. Dr convinced her to have D and C. dr wanted to check once more and there it was! God is good!" - Angela
"Oh sweet sis I am praying that the breath of God will flow into that sweet little ones heart, In Jesus mighty name."- Kelly
It was then that I started to sob.... how do I trust after what I saw, how do I look through God's eyes in this?? is this really His will? Was I just deceived from the beginning? What do we do? what do we do?
Then our wonderful Pastor came and prayed over us.... Rocky and Nancy have watched us go through all these three years... and I know they have hurt so deeply for all of our losses. And yet, I am sure they have also seen our growth through these years as well. Rocky came over and laid hands on us after listening to us pour out our hearts.... I told him that people are encouraging us to not have a D&C and to just trust.... Through the prayer he laid hands on my belly, and prayed for life. It was then when I started to really come to grips, its not time to stop believing yet.
As soon as Rocky left, these are the messages from Facebook - that I read from my phone -
"praying right now..." - Angel
"Praying right now" - Jennifer
which both came as Rocky was praying for us!
then I got -
"We are praying and believing for a miracle!! God is life!!" - Jeanette
"Praying for a miracle..." - Kathryn
"I will pray. Our pastor's wife was told the same thing with their 3rd child at something like 7 months all the way until she delivered. And the baby was born healthy! Our God is so big and so strong and so mighty, there's nothing our God cannot do!!!" - November
"Praying! God is in control though. I have also had a pastors wife that was told there was no heartbeat, she refused the dnc,2 days later, they found the heartbeat! Whatever the situation though, God is in control." - Jeanette
"I am praying for you-- through God all things are possible" - Barbara
"Praying. Don't settle for anything less then what God has spoken to you. ((hugs))" - Victoria
It was then, it was there.... that I knew I HAD to believe... I couldn't give up, not yet.... see it isn't me - it is God who speaks through my dear sweet God fearing friends who help me to hold onto a faith that wasn't even there... to God be all the honor and glory.
After that Sam and I were set that we weren't going to have a D&C.... we were going to wait... Then I sent out an email (it is in the previous post) that stated that we were going to walk in faith.
These are the messages since, I am only going to paste the words of those who are standing with us and believing with us for a miracle!
"God is so big and all powerful...praying for that miracle! You and your family as well!!!" - Jennifer
"Aw, honey - I'm sorry that you have to deal with this at all but praying continually for God's miraculous healing hand in the situation! May HIS glory persevere." - Beth
"i'm so sorry for how you must be feeling, but have faith. they couldn't find Ethan at 14 weeks but I opted against a d&c and he's now 10 months and healthy. i'm keeping you in my thoughts and sending beautiful baby vibes your way!" - Rose
"God is in FULL control. He has His arms wrapped tightly around you right now. I will pray for His healing power." - Wendy
"praying for you and the family Allana. believing God..." - Ann
"Will continue to pray!" - Sara
"Praying....I absolutely believe in Miracles! ♥ " - Nancy
"Praying for a miracle and peace. Hugs sweet Allana" - Cindy
"You are an amazing follower of Christ. I'm praying for a miracle. You have many warriors out here for you. Blessings & love to you my friend." - Evelyn
"Your faith is remarkable, Allana! I am standing with you in prayer!!" - Elizabeth
"I am standing with you in prayer, my friend! ((((hugs)))" - Joy
"Praying and standing in faith with you. I have added you and your family to my friends prayer chain. Love and hugs!!!" - Lacey
"Hang in there. We're praying for a miracle. I'm so sorry. We love you guys." - Dave
“I'm so sorry Allana. I will be praying for that miracle and God's peace and guidance.” – Laura
“I was sooo praying for a good report. I too will agree with you and others in prayer…. AND AM GLAD YOU ARE WAITING… sometimes – Heartbeats don’t show up right away…. Let’s pray and trust GOD for the answers and if the answers are clear … you will know! Hugs…to you and the family with all my love!” – Tammy
“I AM praying and believing with you!” – Krendi
“I really pray that God does a miracle or that this was a strange fluke and the baby is alive and healthy”. – Traci
“I am praying for a miracle from our Loving Father if that it is within His will” – Wendy
“Just wanted you to know that I am praying and trusting in God for a miracle.
May God bless you and your family with His continued peace”. – Shirlee
“We all know that God works in his own ways and he still does do miracles” – Dawn
“I am keeping you in prayer, and asking that the Lord provide a miracle and there will be a heart beat detected!” – Joy
“U R awesome Allana! I'll be praying for a miracle!” – Sandra
“I'm believing in a full-term birth Allana! ((hugs)) Just wait on the Lord
and trust Him to fulfill this. You are in my prayers!” – Julia
“I am choosing to believe God and that all things are possible” – Katy
“Allana, I'll be praying for you! I do believe in miracles!” – Emily
“Yes, I am praying Allana for a miracle.” – Monica
“Allana, I am so sorry you are facing this but I PRAISE GOD that you have such unshakable faith! I am standing with you and praying the Lord will work a miracle in this! Whatever His will in this situation, I know He holds this precious baby and is in control of ALL!” – Amy
“Aw, Allana...I believe in MIRACLES!!!!!! I am always blessed by your strong unwavering faith, darlin'. I'll be praying really hard!” – Nancy
“I believe in miracles as well” – Michelle
“Praying for a miracle. Hugs Allana” – Cindy
“I just prayed. I believe in miracles” – Laura
“Allana, your faith never ceases to amaze me. I will join you in praying for a miracle” – Chelle
“Praying you get your miracle, Allana” – Erin
“I am a firm believer in miracles Allana” – Katy
“I've heard of ultrasounds not having a heartbeat and then the baby is just fine! I'm praying that your baby is just fine and God wants to show His glory in your life! HUGS” – Karen
“I just wanted to send you a quick note to let you know that my heart is joined with yours and I'm believing for a miracle for your little baby.” – Beth
“I'm believing, trusting, and praying with you. I'm sorry about your ugly news but God is capable of miracles, as you know!!!” – Christi
That doesn’t even count the – 145 texts, emails, facebook messages, board comments that I have gotten of people praying!
Wow God you are awesome! Thank you for this awesome support system.
One of my favorite quotes are from Danny Gokey (from American Idol)
“Unshakable Faith – Is Faith That Has Been Shaken” - Amen to that! God continue to grow my faith! So that maybe one day it will be my first response instead of my last!
Comments
• Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
Allana you are an awesome women of God.. God will give you the desires of your heart. I am praying for a miracle. Love ya..
• Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Brought Me To Tears
Posted by Anonymous
Hello my sweet Allana. I usually don't go to people's blogs anymore because I stay on facebook most of the time, however I couldn't help but come over here and read this. After reading what you wrote I was brought to tears. Tears of joy at the depth of faith that you have. You don't even realize (or maybe you do), how God is using this situation to minister to others in ways beyond dimension. Keep pressing on and in, and know you are NEVER ALONE!!
I love you, my sister my friend, and am standing with you in Faith and prayer.
Kelly (Kellyque)
• Thursday, July 9, 2009
Untitled Comment
Posted by Rae
I too am praying for a miracle. I believe God has a purpose for the trial that you are experiencing right now. A friend's daughter in law experienced something similar this week. They told her there was no heartbeat. It was not until they put her on her side and did the ultrasound again that they found the heartbeat. I know with Jared, I had to have a trans******l sonogram before they could find the heartbeat. Hang in there and keep believing.
