• Friday, July 24, 2009
What a Journey!
So here I am,
31, 2 beautiful healthy miracle girls, 1 stepson to raise as my own... another stepson I am glad to have in my life and a beautiful soon to be step daughter-inlaw. A wonderful wonderful godly husband.... and 9 babies in heaven... 6 of whom have left us within the last 3 years.
And what is amazing, is that though, here I sit... once again babyless.... figuring my heart should feel empty and lonely.... I feel completely full. Yes I believed God for a miracle... and no He didn't answer in the way I wish He would have... but through all of this,, the miracle has been - I have not grown bitter, I have had times of being mad at God, questioning Him, questioning me.... but I have remained at His side, refusing to give up my relationship with Him. That is amazing!
I have had some question me as well, you know, those friends of Jobs who assumed he was the one who was in sin and that was why God was punishing... oh yes, those same friends have spoken with me.
I am far from perfect, and I am know there have been so many areas where I have failed God... my heart is at rest knowing that it is not sin that has caused all this heartache.... I am at peace... my heart is at rest.
How can that be??? Am I just totally mental!?! No, it is because my whole life was not settled on this baby living or dying. My whole life is centered around my Savior who DOES live!!! I know He is my healer, even if He doesn't heal in the way I think He should.... Because my heart is free.... that is a huge healing... after 6 losses in 3 years, I should be covered in my grief, and at times I was... but my heart is light, and my spirit is free... and I can honestly say "God you are good"....
I don't understand why I felt so strongly God wanted me to get pregnant this time. Why I felt so strongly to believe in a miracle.... and why that didn't work out the way I think it should have.... but you know what, I don't need those questions answered..... what I do know is God's word is true. it is what I hold on to on the hard days. The days when there is more questions than answers. God is so true, So strong. So faithful. So solid. So wonderful. So loving! I can't deny it. My life is still HIS completely!!!!
Comments
• Saturday, July 25, 2009
He is my life
Posted by Anonymous
Sweet wonderful Allana Jane
Sharing a heritage of losing 9 babies is not something I ever wanted to do with you. I am so blessed by your loyalty to our Lord and your willingness to be so transparent with your testimony. You bless so many people through your willingness to testify of His goodness and the strength He gives through the storms, when He takes away, and all of the eternal gifts of strength, courage, peace, love, and faith He gives in return. No amount of money, study, or striving can give these things - they are from the Potter's hand. "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." Gal 5:6 How glorious is His love and the abundance of the gifts He gives to His children when we trust in Him. Thank you for loving Him and loving others so much you wouldn't think of keeping silent but proclaim His goodness with everything that is within you.
I love you. Mom
