• Friday, July 24, 2009
What a Journey!

So here I am,

31, 2 beautiful healthy miracle girls, 1 stepson to raise as my own... another stepson I am glad to have in my life and a beautiful soon to be step daughter-inlaw.  A wonderful wonderful godly husband.... and 9 babies in heaven... 6 of whom have left us within the last 3 years.

And what is amazing, is that though, here I sit... once again babyless.... figuring my heart should feel empty and lonely.... I feel completely full.  Yes I believed God for a miracle... and no He didn't answer in the way I wish He would have... but through all of this,, the miracle has been - I have not grown bitter, I have had times of being mad at God, questioning Him, questioning me.... but I have remained at His side, refusing to give up my relationship with Him.  That is amazing! 

I have had some question me as well, you know, those friends of Jobs who assumed he was the one who was in sin and that was why God was punishing... oh yes, those same friends have spoken with me. 

I am far from perfect, and I am know there have been so many areas where I have failed God... my heart is at rest knowing that it is not sin that has caused all this heartache.... I am at peace... my heart is at rest.

How can that be???  Am I just totally mental!?!  No, it is because my whole life was not settled on this baby living or dying.  My whole life is centered around my Savior who DOES live!!!   I know He is my healer, even if He doesn't heal in the way I think He should.... Because my heart is free.... that is a huge healing... after 6 losses in 3 years, I should be covered in my grief, and at times I was... but my heart is light, and my spirit is free... and I can honestly say "God you are good"....

I don't understand why I felt so strongly God wanted me to get pregnant this time.  Why I felt so strongly to believe in a miracle.... and why that didn't work out the way I think it should have.... but you know what, I don't need those questions answered..... what I do know is God's word is true.  it is what I hold on to on the hard days.  The days when there is more questions than answers.  God is so true,  So strong.  So faithful.  So solid.  So wonderful.  So loving!  I can't deny it.  My life is still HIS completely!!!!

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• Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Another Goodbye!

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• Thursday, July 16, 2009
16wks - Still WAITING - Ultrasound scheduled.

Sam and I are still in awe at the amazing outpouring we have gotten during the last 2wks. 

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for us from the start of this pregnancy!  And thank you to those of you who have truly been praying for healing, believing in a miracle and walking in faith with us.

I got a call from the hospital saying that my doc had scheduled a D&C (for those of you who may not know what that is - basically it is where they clean out your uterus).  I couldn't believe that they had scheduled it without talking to us, so we called back and canceled the sugery.  My doc called kind of freaking out that we weren't gonna do the D&C... I explained to her that I just don't feel right about it and that I would like to have another ultrasound.

After a heartbreaking phone call with her because she had to explain in great detail the very many risks there are in waiting.... she thought we were making the wrong choice, holding onto false hope and that I am going to damage my body... I held my ground and told her I wanted another ultrasound... So she finally agreed. 

I went to church very shaken up!  I did what I could of leaving my worries at home and focus on God, but you know it floods back in the second someone asks how I am doing... but I spent time in worship just giving God my worries and trying to trust and to get those concerns out of my mind.

I was sharing with a friend of mine that God would make this so easy if I get to the ultrasound and there is a very strong heartbeat.... ah, my soul will be able to rest easy and rejoice... but part of me is scared that there wont be... and then what.... do I still hold on?  Ignore the risks? Or do I just go ahead and accept that baby is no longer living?  Becky just turned to me and told me to keep the faith and to hold onto what I believing.... just at that second I looked out in our children's area, and there were the words to not trust things with my eyes but to keep believing in the things unseen... of course I just busted into tears.... God always seems to bring those little reminders every time I start to shake in my faith.

I finally got the Ultrasound scheduled for Monday the 20th at 1pm.  I am gonna walk in there believing to see a heartbeat... and if there isn't.... well, we will walk down that road if we need to. 

Come on prayer warriors.... lets continue to stand spiritual arm to spiritual arm.  I do believe that this baby is a promise.  Please stand with me, those of you who truly truly believe that the God we serve is still the God who performs miracles today!  Please stand with me, those of you who truly truly believe that with God all things are possible.  Please stand with me, those of you who truly truly believe God is God above all! 

Love you each and everyone of you who have cried with us, believed with us, stood with us... prayed with us.... you all are so special in our hearts!!!!

PS - I still have NO signs of all of a miscarriage... I have had NO cramping, NO bleeding..... I still feel pregnant!

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• Wednesday, July 8, 2009
"You Have So Much Faith" huh? me?

“You Have So Much Faith”

I can't tell you how many times I have heard this very statement and those like it.... and I turn around and wonder who people are talking about.... I feel like I lack faith in so many ways...  I can't tell you how many times over the last 3 years I have cried out to God to give me Faith... and yet, friend after friend have poured over me "You have so much faith".... then it hit me last night... I think the closer you get to God, the smaller you feel... the more you know that HE IS ALL and EVERYTHING....and you truly are nothing….  there is nothing more important, and nothing that is bigger... To others my faith is great, to me.... well.... God is still working on me.  My first response to scary things is still fear. 

When I looked up at that ultrasound screen, and they showed closely the baby's chest, and no heartbeat at all..... I sat stunned.... I couldn't make my head or heart even sort of understand what they were looking at.  Because I was so sure that this baby to live was a promise from God... I really really believed that... even though daily I had to fight again the fear of miscarriage....

After so so so many people have poured out their love and support on us yesterday..... my faith was strengthened... “don't let a screen tell you what is going to happen”.  My first response has always been to have a D&C because after losing Josiah (3/9/06, that started this heart wrenching growth process).... we realized that though I delivered him at 19 1/2 weeks, he had stopped forming at 14wks, which kind of shows that my body just doesn't miscarry on its own...  every time we have saw no heartbeat and went to have a D&C there have been people who have told us not to, and yet I always felt peace about it....

Well not this time... The first message came from my mom - "trust God's promise and not see through man's eyes"... I couldn't even accept that at first... I got angry and said "I saw the no heartbeat myself, 2x, if God wanted this baby to live we would see that" and I dismissed her words completely. 

Then I send a message to EVERYONE in my phone and that included texting a message to FB about the fact that there was no heartbeat.  My dear sweet friend, Kirsten P, called me to see how the appointment went.... I told her that there was no heartbeat... you should have heard the shock in her voice... all she kept saying was "are you sure? could they be wrong?"  I didn't really know how to accept that either... I was like "Kirsten I saw it with my own eyes, there was no heartbeat - 2x).... she believed with us that this was a true promise from God that this baby was going to live here on the earth.   As soon as I got off the phone with her, the texts started to FLOOD in!  Started with yet another great friend of mine who asked if they were sure, and that we should go have another ultrasound just to be sure... again I shut this down... WHY?  I saw the no movement, I saw the no heartbeat... why hang on to something that isn't there...

Then yet another message, she said that she was heartbroken and sad for us, and then 2 seconds later texted me again and said that she was still going to believe that God's promises are true.  That is when I started to cry.

See... right now Sam doesn't have insurance... and its a little sticky trying to figure out how we were going to have a D&C anyway.  Then after these 4 people messaged me, I turned to Sam with tears in my eyes and I said "Maybe this is God's perfect timing, D&C's are just always our first response, and it seems He is making it impossible, maybe we aren't suppose to have a D&C this time".....

Then the messages from Facebook started to flood in, some of them I missed on my phone - these are the ones I got while still driving home -

"wow! let me tell you, that happened to my mom. Dr convinced her to have D and C. dr wanted to check once more and there it was! God is good!" - Angela

"Oh sweet sis I am praying that the breath of God will flow into that sweet little ones heart, In Jesus mighty name."- Kelly

It was then that I started to sob.... how do I trust after what I saw, how do I look through God's eyes in this?? is this really His will?  Was I just deceived from the beginning?  What do we do?  what do we do?

Then our wonderful Pastor came and prayed over us.... Rocky and Nancy have watched us go through all these three years... and I know they have hurt so deeply for all of our losses.  And yet, I am sure they have also seen our growth through these years as well.  Rocky came over and laid hands on us after listening to us pour out our hearts.... I told him that people are encouraging us to not have a D&C and to just trust.... Through the prayer he laid hands on my belly, and prayed for life.  It was then when I started to really come to grips, its not time to stop believing yet.

As soon as Rocky left, these are the messages from Facebook - that I read from my phone -

"praying right now..." - Angel

"Praying right now" - Jennifer

which both came as Rocky was praying for us!

then I got -

"We are praying and believing for a miracle!! God is life!!" - Jeanette

"Praying for a miracle..." - Kathryn

"I will pray. Our pastor's wife was told the same thing with their 3rd child at something like 7 months all the way until she delivered. And the baby was born healthy! Our God is so big and so strong and so mighty, there's nothing our God cannot do!!!" - November

"Praying! God is in control though. I have also had a pastors wife that was told there was no heartbeat, she refused the dnc,2 days later, they found the heartbeat! Whatever the situation though, God is in control." - Jeanette

"I am praying for you-- through God all things are possible" - Barbara

"Praying. Don't settle for anything less then what God has spoken to you. ((hugs))" - Victoria

It was then, it was there.... that I knew I HAD to believe... I couldn't give up, not yet.... see it isn't me - it is God who speaks through my dear sweet God fearing friends who help me to hold onto a faith that wasn't even there... to God be all the honor and glory.

After that Sam and I were set that we weren't going to have a D&C.... we were going to wait... Then I sent out an email (it is in the previous post) that stated that we were going to walk in faith. 

These are the messages since, I am only going to paste the words of those who are standing with us and believing with us for a miracle!

"God is so big and all powerful...praying for that miracle! You and your family as well!!!" - Jennifer

"Aw, honey - I'm sorry that you have to deal with this at all but praying continually for God's miraculous healing hand in the situation! May HIS glory persevere." - Beth

"i'm so sorry for how you must be feeling, but have faith. they couldn't find Ethan at 14 weeks but I opted against a d&c and he's now 10 months and healthy. i'm keeping you in my thoughts and sending beautiful baby vibes your way!" - Rose

"God is in FULL control. He has His arms wrapped tightly around you right now. I will pray for His healing power." - Wendy

"praying for you and the family Allana. believing God..." - Ann

"Will continue to pray!" - Sara

"Praying....I absolutely believe in Miracles! ♥ " - Nancy

"Praying for a miracle and peace. Hugs sweet Allana" - Cindy

"You are an amazing follower of Christ. I'm praying for a miracle. You have many warriors out here for you. Blessings & love to you my friend." - Evelyn

"Your faith is remarkable, Allana! I am standing with you in prayer!!" - Elizabeth

"I am standing with you in prayer, my friend! ((((hugs)))" - Joy

"Praying and standing in faith with you. I have added you and your family to my friends prayer chain. Love and hugs!!!" - Lacey

"Hang in there.  We're praying for a miracle. I'm so sorry. We love you guys." - Dave

“I'm so sorry Allana. I will be praying for that miracle and God's peace and guidance.” – Laura

“I was sooo praying for a good report.  I too will agree with you and others in prayer…. AND AM GLAD YOU ARE WAITING… sometimes – Heartbeats don’t show up right away….   Let’s pray and trust GOD for the answers and if the answers are clear … you will know!   Hugs…to you and the family with all my love!” – Tammy

“I AM praying and believing with you!” – Krendi

“I really pray that God does a miracle or that this was a strange fluke and the baby is alive and healthy”. – Traci

“I am praying for a miracle from our Loving Father if that it is within His will” – Wendy

“Just wanted you to know that I am praying and trusting in God for a miracle.
May God bless you and your family with His continued peace”. – Shirlee

“We all know that God works in his own ways and he still does do miracles” – Dawn

“I am keeping you in prayer, and asking that the Lord provide a miracle and there will be a heart beat detected!” – Joy

“U R awesome Allana! I'll be praying for a miracle!” – Sandra

“I'm believing in a full-term birth Allana! ((hugs)) Just wait on the Lord
and trust Him to fulfill this. You are in my prayers!” – Julia

“I am choosing to believe God and that all things are possible” – Katy

“Allana, I'll be praying for you!  I do believe in miracles!” – Emily

“Yes, I am praying Allana for a miracle.” – Monica

“Allana, I am so sorry you are facing this but I PRAISE GOD that you have such unshakable faith! I am standing with you and praying the Lord will work a miracle in this! Whatever His will in this situation, I know He holds this precious baby and is in control of ALL!” – Amy

“Aw, Allana...I believe in MIRACLES!!!!!! I am always blessed by your strong unwavering faith, darlin'. I'll be praying really hard!” – Nancy

  “I believe in miracles as well” – Michelle

“Praying for a miracle. Hugs Allana” – Cindy

“I just prayed. I believe in miracles” – Laura

“Allana, your faith never ceases to amaze me. I will join you in praying for a miracle” – Chelle

 “Praying you get your miracle, Allana” – Erin

“I am a firm believer in miracles Allana” – Katy

“I've heard of ultrasounds not having a heartbeat and then the baby is just fine! I'm praying that your baby is just fine and God wants to show His glory in your life! HUGS” – Karen

“I just wanted to send you a quick note to let you know that my heart is joined with yours and I'm believing for a miracle for your little baby.” – Beth

“I'm believing, trusting, and praying with you. I'm sorry about your ugly news but God is capable of miracles, as you know!!!” – Christi

That doesn’t even count the – 145 texts, emails, facebook messages, board comments that I have gotten of people praying!

Wow God you are awesome!  Thank you for this awesome support system. 

One of my favorite quotes are from Danny Gokey (from American Idol)

“Unshakable Faith – Is Faith That Has Been Shaken”  - Amen to that!  God continue to grow my faith!  So that maybe one day it will be my first response instead of my last!

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• Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Is it too late for a miracle??? - almost 15wks.

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