Chapter four of Romancing Your Husband is titled "Love's Secret."  It is about the big "S" word... submit.  I remember years ago, I was leading a women's group through the book The Excellent Wife.  There were 18 women in this group and let me tell you... the week that we studied the chapter on submission was hard!!  These women were MAD.  Most of the women were new believers and so they had a worldly view of submission... thinking it meant that wives were to be doormats, that they had no say in anything, and that it was just wrong "be submissive."

I thought this chapter in Romancing Your Husband was a good one, as she spoke of how many verses concerning submission are often pulled out of context.  Ephesians 5:21 says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."  So, yes, even though there is a command specifically to wives to submit to their husbands, we as Christians ought to submit to one another. 

Webster's dictionary defines submission as "to offer oneself of one's free will; to defer to another's wishes, opinions."   Just as wives are to submit to their own husbands, husbands are commanded to love their wives just as Christ loved the church.  In other words, it's a two-way street. 

The author writes:

"Both men and women are created in the image of God.  When we scorn one another because of gender, we scorn someone who was created in the image of God.  This means we ultimately scorn God Himself."

What does submission have to do with Romance?  Here's a key point that I noted as I read through this chapter:

• Submission is unconditional love in action.  1 Peter 3:1-4 says, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.  Your beauty... should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."  In other words, never nag your husband about his lack of spiritual interest.  Now I know there are many of you who are blessed with a husband who is interested in spiritual things.  Many of us are not.  Instead of focusing on what our husband is not, we are to focus on what God desires from us - to be a light to our husband!  Not to nag him, but to unconditionally love him and by our behavior show him who Jesus is.  I know from experience this is much easier said than done.  However, God is faithful.  As we seek to honor the Lord by submitting to our husband, He is faithful to bring us joy.

The chapter goes into what is healthy submission and what is unhealthy submission.  Certainly, submission does not mean that we tolerate abuse of any kind.  That is not submission.  If this is your case, please seek help!  I cannot list all that the author wrote on this subject, for it is much too lengthy.

I just want to challenge you if this is an area in which you struggle.  The author made a very valid point at the end of this chapter.  What if you are saying, "but my husband doesn't do anything to fulfill MY needs!  He doesn't love me as Christ loved the church..."  Then, here is the challenge:

"Jesus Christ died on the cross for us knowing full well that some people would still reject Him.  Yet He did it anyway; He chose to do His part..."  Just because our husband does not do "everything he is supposed to," that does not exempt us from doing what God has called us to do!  Even IF... even if... yes, even if... it's so hard sometimes!!  This is true submission... submission to God... to do His will above our own... to give freely of ourself to the Lord and to our husband... it is a challenge I do not take lightly.  I know at times it is very difficult, and yet, I also know that the Lord is ever so faithful!  Our husbands will fail us... but we have a loving God who will never fail us! 

So, let us trust in Him as we learn what true biblical submission is... search the Scriptures and lean not on your own understanding... God's word is perfect and true.  He will bless our efforts as we seek to honor Him in how we love and submit to our husbands.

Blessings,

~LISA

I am still reading Romancing Your Husband by Debra White Smith; however, I have neglected to comment on each chapter as I had intended.  So, I thought I'd take a few moments and do just that.  :)

The chapter "Space & Grace" is about giving your husband the space to be who God has created him to be and the grace we need to give him when he doesn't do everything maybe as we wives would like.  She talked about how wives often complain about their husbands not doing anything around the house, and yet if their husband does something, like the laundry, for example, and then the wife complains that he didn't do it "right."  Well, no wonder our husband doesn't want to help us!  We complain when they do! 

I used to do this often, I'm embarrassed to admit.  However, I was blessed in reading through this chapter as God showed me that He has already done a work in my heart regarding this issue, and I am so grateful!  Not that I am perfect.  I catch myself from time to time doing this... especially when it comes to the children.  Since I am home with them all day long, I tend to takeover even when he is home.  I am learning, by God's grace, to stop doing that. 

Another thing that the author reminds us is to stop the negative thinking... instead of dwelling on what our husband does not do, remind ourself of what he DOES do.  I used to feel resentful that my husband got to come home from work and take a nap everyday.  After all, I was often up nights taking care of babies and I was tired, too!  However, if I stopped and thought about it... my husband gets up at 1am to begin his work day and often works 11- or 12- hour days.  He took a nap everyday so that he could be awake enough to spend time with us as a family.  Instead of dwelling on him napping, I would remind myself of how hard he worked for us, giving me the opportunity to be home with our children!  And then I realized another thing... If I just asked my husband, he was more than happy to let me sneak in a nap when he got up.  I just never thought to ask... and because I didn't say anything, he didn't know I even wanted one! 

I will end this entry with a quote from this chapter:

Continually think "space and grace!"  Remember, Jesus Christ gives us ample doses of grace and plenty of space to make our mistakes.  When we make the mistakes and turn to Him for help, He gives us more grace to overcome our errors!  Be Christ to your husband!"

Blessings,

~LISA

I am back to reading this book now that the holidays are over.  Chapter two was a very good reminder to me concerning priorities.  

The author speaks of a "sacred romance."  Here is more straight from the book:

"Ironically, the means to a love-drenched marriage is to release the idea that a man can be your 'everything.' ... Real love - the kind that burns strong through the decades - comes as a direct result of a sacred romance with Jesus.  When women stop focusing on their husbands as the only means of filling the emptiness in their souls and start focusing on Jesus Christ, a new love springs forth.  A special love.  A love that doesn't wane even in the face of conflict or a husband's imperfections.  This love comes straight from the heart of God and permeates the marriage with a honeylike glow.  No human being is capable of this kind of selfless love; it only comes through the Lord... no marriage can have true intimacy until we are willing to allow God total access to our hearts."

This kind of love allows our husbands to be free... free from our wifely criticism, free of the pressure to be perfect... free to make mistakes... free to respond not in defensiveness, but in kind. 

Months ago, I did a wonderful study titled The Way of Agape, and this chapter was a good reminder to me about what I learned then.  I can only truly love another when I am loving God, which means I am submitting myself to God in obedience.  As I have slowly been learning to apply these lessons in my life, I have seen wonderful changes in our marriage.  And, it's not that we ever had a "bad" marriage.  But, it sure is fabulous to be married over 12 years and still have those "flutter" feelings with your husband... to have times of great feelings of love and appreciation for this gift that God has given me.

The author says further, "A divine intimacy develops through regularly absorbing the presence of God."

I know as a homeschooling mom that it is often difficult to find time in our day to "absorb the presence of God."  However, I have learned the hard way that it is essential that I do just this or else all of my efforts are in vain!

Scripture tells us in Psalm 127:1 "Unless the Lord builds the house, they labor in vain who build it..."

I do not want all of my efforts to be in vain, but this Scripture is clear... unless I depend upon the Lord, all of my efforts will be wasted.  I want to share one last quote from this chapter.  I thought it was a perfect analogy:

"We are all busy.  There will always be a reason not to pray and read your Bible.  But saying we are too busy to spend time alone with God is the physical equivalent of saying we are too busy to take a bath.  My time with God keeps my heart pure, my mind focused, and my attitudes squeaky clean before the Lord."

I pray for myself and all who read this that this year would be the year that we determine to put the Lord first... meet with Him first... consult with Him first... rejoice with Him first... cry to Him first... let Him be our everything and in doing that, He will supply all we need to love our husband as we have been called to do. 

Blessings!

This chapter started out talking about the cycle of expectations.  We, as women often want our husband to be romantic, and yet we are so focused on what we aren't getting that we do not fulfil our husband's needs.  Then, he obviously will not feel warm and fuzzy towards us... and then we say "see, he's not romantic..." and the cycle just continues!  God's Love is an initiating Love.  We love Him only because He first loved us.  God did not sit back and wait for us - He loved us even when we didn't deserve it. 

The author reminds us about the Golden Rule - we are to treat other people the way we want to be treated.  In other words, instead of sitting back and waiting for our husband to be romantic towards us and complaining at his lack of effort, we need to be romantic towards our husband.  If we are to be Christ-like, then we need to be willing to set aside our own wants and meet the needs of our spouse. 

The author says, "My feelings of romantic fulfillment came and went until one day I realized I was expecting him to be a full-blown Romeo when I was being only half a Juliet." 

Also from chapter one, the author gives us Prayer Points:

• Pray that God will renew and empower your love for your husband.
• Pray that God will increase your desire for your husband.
• Pray that you will be more interested in meeting your husband's needs than your own.
• Pray that the Lord will give you patience with yourself and your spouse in your journey to spectacular romance.
• Ask the Lord to show you creative and exciting ways to romance your husband.

The author gave some creative ideas of how she started romancing her husband.  As I have read this chapter and prayed over the above prayer points, the Lord has renewed my desire to please my husband... and my husband in turn has responded likewise to me.  It has been fun being married to my husband.  I'm enjoying his company and the Lord has given me a grateful heart.  As I have stopped focusing on my own wants and desires and instead turned my heart towards my husband's needs, the Lord has filled my cup overflowing. 

I am looking forward to many more years of a loving, fun, and exciting marriage with my husband...

I've been visiting DandelionSeeds' blog a lot recently.  She has much to share.  I was especially intrigued with SHMILY Time and if you've never heard of this, just click here to read all about it.  She has inspired me to create some sparks in my 12-year-old marriage.  Don't get me wrong!  I'm married to a great guy who amazingly loves me the way I am, who is a fun and loving Dad, and a happy, hard worker.  Truly, I am blessed.  I think that I have just gotten to a point of taking that for granted.  The Lord has been speaking to me on this issue, and SHMILY Time was a great inspiration to me.  So, with that, I have also logged onto the Book Talk forum (another link from DandelionSeeds) and am have just started reading Romancing Your Husband by Debra White Smith.  I intend to share how God spoke to me through the chapters of this book with you, hopefully encouraging you to move towards your own husband as well. 

So far, I've read the foreword which was written by her husband.  He basically shared how his wife "takes care of him."  I'll share the first paragraph he wrote:

"Debra and I have been married 20 years now.  We've had some bad times, but she's always been there for me.  Because of that, I have never really been tempted to look at other women.  I notice pretty faces, of course.  What man doesn't?  But there's alwasy something that gives me the power to look away. I figure I've got the best at home, so why waste my time elsewhere?"

In the first chapter written by the author, "ah, the Power of Love" she challenges us to radically and fearlessly live what is shared in this book and enjoy seeing how it makes your husband feel.  She also states, "The journey may take some time, maybe a year or so, but hang in there even if dazzling love doesn't ignite overnight.  Practicing these romance principles can turn your marriage into a taste of heaven on earth."

I figure it's worth a try.  I already introduced my husband to SHMILY Time and it has already created a fun spark in our marriage.  I figure I have three choices:

1. I can live by my flesh and endure a miserable marriage.
2. I can just get by and survive and have a mediocre marriage.
3. I can apply God's word, setting myself aside, and choosing to love my husband as He has called me to and have a marvelous marriage.

For me, the choice is clear.  I want to have the kind of marriage that God intended... I'm looking forward to see how He will use this book in our lives.  I hope you will join me!