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Aug. 16, 2007
From My Journal
Hello. A new family member can really keep you busy. Even a 1,000 pound baby like our new horse.
I came to share this from the (grief) journal I've been keeping:
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Entry dated May 16, 2007
From the end of The Return of the King, movie:
(Frodo)
"How do you pick up the threads of the past? How do you go back? You find out, you can't.
Some hurts go just too deep. Time will not erase them"
"You can't always be caught between two worlds..The story continues with you."
Entry dated June 17, 2007:
'...I visited my old homeschool blog tonight. What do I want to write to my HSB friends (& others)?
Dear Friends,
When I consider this blog I see a person and a life who used to be. I am not that person anymore. She died and was buried with her fabulous sister.
When I consider writing on this blog, I think how utterly different I may sound to all who knew me through here previously, and how shocking that can be.
The more we suffer, the more I see our suffering is not unique, except in this one thing: we miss our person, and each is unique.
May I tell you for the 10th time that my sister checked my blog every day? In fact she was the only family member who said so. She was an extraordinarily special and kind person. (Is, in heaven.)
I will share something I came here to say:
I have been building a new life. Brick by brick. On purpose. We have dreamed of Dawn. She tells us she is okay and to LIVE our lives to the fullest-- that she will see us again.
(Then God sent a horse named Dreamer; it doesn't get any simpler than that!)
I have been showing her that I am listening.
My new life doesn't care about 99.9% of the things I used to care about and feels no guilt or regret about that. Everything is new and prioritized in a new order. Even things that remain high on the list are new to me now, like the love of those we love.
One of my sister's last e-mails to our wonderful sister-in-law (who delivered her first child 5 1/2 days before Dawn's murder) was, "It's good to be alive!" Yes, Dawn.
Time is our one eternal possession. Don't use it or spend it...roll in it! Chew it up, swallow it, spit it out, get messy, run, fly, dance, cry, sing, yell, whisper, laugh, think, stop thinking, play the music too loud, and Love.
I remember after our first child was born (natural birth). I think I was in shock. I couldn't believe someone could feel that much pain and still be alive. When I see Dawn, I want it to be like that: I want to hear her laugh her beautiful laugh, and have her put her hand on my shoulder, and say, "You did it, Allison! You actually did it." '
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I hope everyone is well and that you are blessed in all that you do.
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Aug. 20, 2007 - Untitled Comment