Your Honor,                                                                                   

 My name is Allison. I’m Dawn’s sister. We were close in age. I used to be the younger one-- now, I’ve already lived six months longer than Dawn.

 In New Jersey, people are getting away with murder. The dead can’t speak. All a defendant has to do is lie about the circumstances involving the crime, and say he got really upset. The punishment for taking a life should be a life sentence, if not capital punishment. We can see from Dawn’s wounds that the defendant had intent. He chose twenty-one times to kill Dawn. I call upon the entire state of New Jersey to do away with their Passion Provocation Plea laws. Because of them, we had to accept less than what this defendant truly deserves.

 I’ve wanted more than anything for Dawn to be able to speak for herself. Since that is not possible, I have decided to read from some of her e-mails:

_________________________________________

 
January 2006, on becoming a Grandmother:

 "It is indescribable the feeling of holding your child's child.  It is not like holding other new babies.  When you hold your grandchild, you are thinking, 'This is a part of me!' "

About breaking off the relationship with the defendant:

 “I really feel bad for him.”

 “I don't want him humiliated.”

 “I feel like he cheated on me.  He was supposed to love and honor me…not constantly put me down.”

 “Don't let him know I told you specific things that happened between us.”

 “People change suddenly when money is involved.”

October 2006

“I’m beginning to realize I wasn’t tired before [the break-up] either…I was depressed.”
“You’ll be seeing a lot more of me again.” 
“This has turned out to be a most WONDERFUL year!!!”
“I’m ecstatically happy!!! “

 
Thanksgiving 2006, to our Brother

 “This will certainly be one of our most thankful Thanksgivings!”

 “I’m SO looking forward to the Holiday and when the Costa’s come up!!!”

A final e-mail to me:

 “Thanks, sis!  Can't wait to see you all!”

 
And a final one to our sister-in-law Laura:

Man it’s good to be alive!!!

________________________________________

I have learned that you must separate the crime from the love and memory of your loved one. The crime is evil and deserves to be lost and forgotten in the past, as much as possible. Leave it to die, as my sister was.

The love and memory of your loved one remains untouched, their life invested, what they have left behind, memories, smiles, words spoken, kindnesses given—the list goes on and on forever.

No evil can touch that.

So this is not about Dawn. We are not going to memorialize her on this trip, or celebrate the life of one of her children or grandchildren, or get together and circle around each other in memory and in love and survival-ship.

This whole thing pays tribute to a crime, its effect, and the sore lacking of the American criminal justice system.

So no wonder my reluctance to fold laundry, pack a suitcase, take care of the animals’ needs, etc. Although it must get done, and I will press on: this was the first lesson—you don’t get a choice, no matter how horrible.

It must seem normal: about 2 years past a homicide, and a sentencing. Friends must thing I’m ready for it or used to it by now. The phone isn’t ringing, and I don’t expect it to.

Well, I know one thing: by the end of today, God will have spoken. He does not let us alone for long. And then I will know peace, and Dawn’s love will be near, and I will move forward in trust and in courage.

And somehow, God help us, we’ll just know.

The loss of one person’s life takes only a few seconds. Our systems react to it for months; that’s just the way it is. You can’t struggle through it, try to overcome it, or avoid it any more than you can avoid childbirth. It has to just happen on its own timeline, individual for each person.

It begins with shock. A huge piece of our soul is ripped away, and we are exposed. We experience shaking limbs, teeth rattling, adrenalin surges, anxiety, stomach issues, and your heart grips and pains for days on end, to mention a few. There are physical symptoms specific to individuals. I noticed that during the two days before my sister’s funeral, I had the worst labor pain I’d experienced in my life of birthing six children. I was not even pregnant at the time.

Everyone you love is also in shock and you are kind of like the blind leading the blind. This is a great time to have a grief-experienced friend nearby who hasn’t experienced your particular loss. This friend will tell you not to hurry. All your other friends will expect it.

You spend the first year in shock and getting past the “firsts.” As my brother said on the one year anniversary of my sister’s death, “No more thinking about what she was doing a year ago.” The major shock can last 6 months to a year.

The second year is when you really start actually dealing with the loss. A lot of the shock has given way to the realization that this is really true, and you have to live with it for as long as you shall live. Counseling is a big help the second year (not that it doesn’t help the first year, too) because by now most everybody expects you to stop talking about it, but your system is just starting to actually deal with it. The exception would be others who share your loss~ they are probably happy to have you to talk to, because they are on the same basic timeline. Understanding friends are also a blessing.

By now our choices have come into play. Yes, we do get a choice. Not in what happened, but in what we are going to do about it. What are we going to do with that great big hole? How do we fill it in, and with what? We can not replace the person we lost. We can strive to find healthy choices, however, to fill up the emptiness we feel. It won’t be the same, but it’s better than letting the hole deteriorate into bad choices.

My first answer was to meet the vast pain with courage, the same courage my sister had when she lost her fiancee’ six years before her own death. She was my inspiration. A big red horse was my second answer. A close friend said to me, “Allison, if I was going to heal you, I’d send you a horse.” A dream come true, I believe my sister brought him to me. There are probably hundreds of individual answers for individual needs. I think the best thing would be to pursue a dream you’ve always had, but never made time for. It becomes a dedication to your lost loved one.

But you also have to be careful with whatever you decide to do. I used to fall completely apart for days with every small failure with my new horse. Now I see why~ I had too much vested in success with him. It was as if every small challenge meant I was not going to personally make it. Now I see that I still have to look at the reality of the situation and not put all my healing on one beast (so to speak.) Besides, it’s not fair to the dream, whatever it may be.

I am not in the third year of my grief yet, but my best friend in NC has had several sudden losses, and she tells me that the third year is when the healing picks up.

When we came home from vacation recently, for the first time I felt ready to put my sister in a special place deep down inside myself, where the memories will be untouched. At first, I hated the feeling of time marching on heartlessly, as my sister’s last day on earth receded further and further from the horizon of today.

Now the panic has given way to something more secure. What has happened to her still has a global effect on me. In fact, it shaped me into a completely new person. But my memories will remain safe, and sacred, where no body can touch or hurt them.

This is just an example of a feeling that could not be rushed. Others may have found it sooner. I may have done other things sooner. Everybody has an individual timeline. The main thing is a respect for everyone’s individual time and needs.

All of these thoughts came about in the middle of a night recently when suddenly my sister was with me, in my heart, I could feel her presence. The most amazing thing is that it felt like we were children again. I had all the feelings of childhood with her there and was able to see how secure I felt when she was near. It was a gift that happened after I found new security without her in this world. So I am thankful. She always did have good timing.

Thank you for reading,

Allison

We were actually taking a chance on a jury. He was lieing about what happened and the victim is not there to argue for herself. (WE know what the truth is because we know her and how she would act.)

All the sympathy goes to the live defendant sitting there in the courtroom. Let me say, O.J. Simpson trial. People don't want to be 'responsible' for putting somebody away for life. Even if an innocent life is taken. (Crimes against children do get more punishment, but not ones against adults.)

People like myself, who know the truth, will never make it to a jury now.

 I know, it makes you just feel aghast, doesn’t it? Believe me, the amount of patience and self-control it has taken to accept this as the way things truly are in our judicial system has been monumentally stressful. The only thing that has ‘helped’ is knowing that FAMILIES ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY ARE GOING THROUGH THIS EXACT SAME THING. People getting away with murder.

I had to leave it to God. I do not know the story. The assailant could die in prison. He could get saved and die in prison. He could suffer unimaginably for 10-20 years and die horribly. You know what I do know? That my sister who walked this earth would never have wanted this for him, never! She was forgiving and kind.

But there is justice, as much as we can get on this earth, and in the next.

He pleaded to something that holds a penalty of 10-30 years. He agreed to 25 when he pleaded guilty. Now we actually have to work to write letters and make a good representation so that he does not get less, since his lawyer’s job is to argue for less. Our prosecutor says we have a good judge.

The reason we did not go to trial is that his plea (that he’d have used at the trial) held a sentence of 5, 10, 15 years with only a small amount being served before parole. Our prosecutor did not want to see him walk in 5-10 years for this, or see us go through that. The lesser gamble was to take the 25.

His trial plea was something some states have called “passion provocation.” Which basically says, “I was so upset, I killed somebody!” I know, it’s a permission for lack of self control. The prosecutors hate it. That’s why people have to vote when things come up about your state’s judicial system.

Texas has good laws regarding homicide. (For homeschooling and homebirth, too.)  Hmmm- the country know-how of all those cowboys and cowgirls…so it varies by state.

And when do we actually look into these things and get versed in them?

Too late, apparently. After the funeral.

But there are people working to make a difference.

Ok- that’s the long answer.   ~Allison

Before that we had 2 weeks of phone calls with the court Prosecutor in my sister’s case. A new judge had asked us all to settle on a 25 year sentence for the defendant. Apparently people are getting away with murder in this country, and he was afraid the person would walk away with 5-15 from a bum jury. They certainly exist.

At first we were indignant, but when we had to consider which gamble was higher, we decided to go with the 25 years, which he will hardly survive at his age in a state prison in NJ.

On August 19, 2008 he accepted our deal and pleaded guilty.

Home News Tribune (NJ)

Star Ledger (NJ)

The sentencing is on October 24, 2008 and there will be no trial. My family and I will travel to NJ to attend the sentencing. We give our impact statements there, and send letters now which the judge will read in advance.

Today I have been filing schoolwork and gearing up for a new year. The weather is beautiful.

We were returning from my niece’s wedding. We had a wonderful time. On our last day we stopped at the cemetery our six children. I had been to my sister’s grave twice already on this trip, but all the children hadn’t. It was upsetting to see them all standing near her stone. They all love her so much. I know I need to be thankful that they knew her. It is not so for my brother’s baby, or Dawn’s two grandchildren so far, or the others coming.

Then we went to visit my dad at the medical home where he lives. I know his family parents are ‘happy’ with the arrangements there, but every time I visit, his room is smaller. If it gets any smaller, it will be ridiculous. I think they make it great for a while until the residents and families are dependent on them, and then the glory treatment is over. I think his care is good: I just wish his room were bigger. Again, I need to just be thankful that it is a clean, well run, kind and caring place. Everyone there is great.

It is still just kind of tough to walk out of there and see your father as one of “those” people, in a wheelchair, bound to a building-- unless taken someplace. They say he falls sometimes. He has MS, but it developed later in his life (after 40). I wish him no ill-will. Those days are past me. His accountability is between him and God now. His daughter who lived nearby (and would have visited regularly) was murdered 18 months ago. Our problems are bigger now.

When I got home I threw on my boots and jacket and went straight out to the barn. My OTTB (Off Track Thoroughbred) and our black pony were there. I was very anxious to get back home when we were leaving NJ, and I think this new horse in my life had something to do with it.

I was in NJ six times after losing Dawn in that first year. Now I hadn’t been there in seven months. So, leaving and coming home was different. You don’t know until you do it. Going from the cemetery with the kids, straight to see my dad, and then leave for home was too difficult. I have to do it differently from now on. Convenience is not always the best route. We forget that we have emotions. I called my brother and left a message on his cell phone as we left. Thank God he is there, I told him. I call my Mom every night. Tonight, I will tell her: it was rough. It is good for us to share these things. It is support to know others hurt. She bears her burden every day, and better than all the rest of us put together. I don’t know how she does it. It must be faith.

Faith cannot be discounted in all of this. Without it, I would be MUCH worse off. And my husband is very supportive.

Now I have 8 weeks to be back home, homeschool the kids, keep the house up, maybe paint, and ride the horses…then it’s 2 weeks of preparation, vacation at VA beach and the travel involved from here (700 miles 1-way). Then I have 1-2 weeks back home until the murder trial begins in mid-September. So they say.

That is a whole different story. Right now, the house needs to be cleaned, and my kids are awaiting instructions. It’s raining, but my horses are tended to.

It’s the little things, the little blessings that we must hold on to. They are the handholds of life that keep us from falling into the pit of despair. The little blessings save us.

When I pulled up alone to Dawn’s grave on the morning of her daughter’s wedding, this song came on the radio: “I am alive, hey, hey, I am alive…”   Thank You, I said.

First I want to THANK YOU for your comments on the trial. I cannot tell you how supportive it is to get encouragement, feedback and requests for info so that prayer is possible. YOU ARE SO GREAT!!

Let me quickly say that I will post word when it comes; I feel the trials will not bring closure… I am learning closure comes from God, courage, and boldly moving forward while keeping your loved one(s) locked safely forever in your heart and memories. The trial will bring about justice, which is its prime purpose. It will change nothing for us, or for the assailant. But justice is important.

The trial will open up a lot of new information and forensics that I am sure we would rather be without…but, we will get through it. It may set back our healing some, but that is to be expected and can be planned on.

God Bless you ALL!

Well, it is a year to the day that my sister died. This is the 24th post I've written since then: that averages to two per month...not bad, I guess, for the occasional blogger I have turned out to be since our losing Dawn and having new lives.

I would like to thank you ALL of my special blog friends again for your love and continued support and prayers throughout the year. Prayers DO make a difference! I have never seen that so real as I have this past year.

I have also realized how much this tragedy has increased my faith in God. He has been so real, right by our sides, continually-- when we need Him most and do not even ask: He is there.

The court trials will begin in January. I do not know if I will have computer access during that time. The trials are expected to be a MONTH long. "An exercise in survival," is how I was told to view it, by Rich Pompelio of the NJ Crime Victim's Law Center.

So come see the new portraits at my blog sidebar: I am doing alright. Do we get a choice? My sister would never have wanted me to roll over on this. I live for her. I know she is fine: it is ourselves we cry for, as her best friend said to me. Still, she is missed, everyday. The pain will never cease. But that is okay. It shows how much she is loved.

We have snow-- I am enjoying being inside, doing lessons; I still go out to the barn 2ce a day to take care of the horses and other animals. We are looking forward to crafty projects and of course, a LOT of cookie making! Last year my son at I luv to bake made ALL the Christmas cookies for our whole family (us and NJ). He is keeping me to it again this year, I think!

So I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed holiday season. I will try to check in again before the trials, but, if I don't: God Bless Everyone.

This is something I wrote in NJ while still there the first time. I was thinking of my blog here when I wrote it:

" I cannot tell [you] what it feels like to have a blog one day, and be in the news (your family's tragedy) the next.

To see the papers and feel some peace because your family is not front page in them.

To do a search on your engine for your sister- and get results.

To see public comments to news articles surrounding your sister.

To see comments from your desperately sad brother."

That is all I wrote on that subject at the time. It is still indescribable. I consider blogs to be first and foremost, the new free press. I never did like sensationalism; now I can say I am really against it.

The New York Times got something wrong.

I also realized the other day: it's not over. We have trials to go through. That means more newspaper articles.

The trials are not expected to begin for 1-2 years: court schedules.

Today I put away the Nativity set (my sister’s idea to buy for me, with my Mother, in 2004) to set out our school books.

I know starting lessons will help me as much as being home did when we first got back.

I started a new site on Blogger for my overflow writing from my brother's forum.

Here’s the link:   New Day Dawning **

Hope you all have a good day and may God Bless you in the new year, 2007.

** Note: I deleted this site on November 25, 2007

I would like to give all of you a BIG heartfelt thanks for your comments over the past month +. I cannot describe how wonderful it is to have support. Our healing comes from many different avenues and my blog friends have definitely been playing a part. So THANK YOU and God Bless you all. I hope to be leaving comments again soon.

My sister, whom I now need to be calling OUR sister because I do share this loss with a brother and his wife, our 3rd sister- - and my husband- OUR sister read my blog every day. When I checked my stats, I could always see her connection from her computer at work in New Jersey. (I'm sure it was at lunchtime, Paul! smile) [That's our sister's boss of 15 years.]  Her work is suffering like the family they are, too.

I really did not know what I was going to do with this blog. I definitely will not be checking "stats" for a while. I don't even care (anymore) and may delete the statcounter, anyway.

Furthermore, you should all know that right now, it only seems to be on RANDOM DAYS that I can even get into this blog since the update last month. So unless that straightens out, now you know why my posting is random as well. I was very happy to get on today. Yesterday and some days before I could not even view my blog! But I am not complaining. I know HSB has their hands full. I took it as maybe God didn't want me on here.

One thing I can tell is that the homeschooling is very different for me. We are not officially back at it until Wednesday, the 3rd, after the holiday. I am blessed that my husband has Tues. the 2nd off as well.

So maybe once I start up again I will have things to say. Meanwhile I am also considering beginning a blog to write about the journey I am on, the process of grief, which I know will take a long time, at least years, and we have a trial to go through, too, which will not be on the court schedule for 1-2 years at least, and will also take its toll.

As a Christian woman I know at this point God does not expect me to forgive that assailant like He would if He were asked. I know God forgives murderers. I am not God. Honestly, this is the first time in my life I have actually hoped someone does not hear the Gospel message and burns in Hell. 

Obvioulsy I have a lot of anger to deal with. Sudden traumatic loss is one thing. Intentionally losing a family member due to a person's selfish will is- a change in your whole perspective toward humankind.

My husband found me a nice, down to earth Christian counselor only 15 minutes away, which is a miracle up here where even my gas is 15 minutes away. He has people at the town he works in, and my children will all be seeing my lady.

Dawn  was killed on one of my son's birthdays. I won't say who (for secure reasons) but if you pray God will know whom you mean.

This post has gotten WAY long which shows how much I need it. You should see my handwritten diary/journal. It is getting filled every day!

So I hope to keep this a reasonable homeschool blog, as that is what everyone is here for- I know, I never wrote about homeschooling, anyway. It was always political/social stuff, which I don't care about anymore. (I must say that writing on here and walking away again helps get me ready for homeschooling.)

So we will see what happens with this blog. I do need to start another about Dawn, as I do not want to unfairly make you read all that. If/when I do, I'll link it here. In the meantime, I hope I get back on here again next time, and here are 2 pictures of our sister, mother, aunt, friend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, goddaughter:

Here is Dawn with her two Grandbabies. She never lived to see their First Birthday or Christmas.

I love this picture for how happy she looks. We are at beach vacation, remember that trip I took in July? She is feeding her Grandson who was just Born. She attended his Birth.

Here is our brother's website about our Dawn: Remember Dawn

There are pictures there, too.

Wow- I can’t believe it, I got onto my blog. I have been trying for days…

Thank you HSB support!

Just in time to say I will be in New Jersey until next weekend, almost 2007.

We are celebrating the holiday with all who grieve and share the loss of my sister.

Christmas was her favorite holiday and we are doing it about her and for her this year.

I wrote a new post, but our new system lost it.

That's okay, I really wanted to link you to where I've been writing lately:

Rememberdawn

This is linked to a website under construction,

but the forum where we are writing is up and very busy.

God Bless you all.

I have so much to say...

hug your little ones today.

I'll be back.

Lord willing.

There are no words to express the Love of God when faced with a situation like ours. His mercies are new every sunrise. The evil of the violent crime against my sister has been covered over time and again with love. There is testimony after testimony coming in of God’s mercy and grace in this situation.

When I get more time I may begin posting the stories. I know this is a homeschool blog- but if I can teach my children how to get through this with mercy, love, and grace, my work on this planet is complete.

You know the Spirit of God when you see two families hugging each other after an arraignment, the unremorseful accused having just been viewed by the bereaved family, with the County Prosecutor saying, “But for the Grace of God…”

You know the Strength of God when you view a comatose Mother whose lost her firstborn daughter and best friend, completely devoid of most hope and frightened beyond what any human should ever have to endure, get up the next day, face life, and feed her 6 cats.

You know the Grace of God when the men of the family restrain themselves in the courtroom.

You know the Courage of God when motherless children cover over the place of her death with roses and hold a memorial, all by themselves.

When things happen you can go with the good or with the bad. I suggest going with the good because there are gifts beyond immeasurable measure in store.

I could not help but wonder what it was like to be one of the families where tragedy like this happens when it did happen. Most specifically I think of Michelle Gardner-Quinn who was killed in VT recently.

The answer to the question is we are the same people. We are still ourselves, now dealing with a tremendous loss and all our lives forever changed. All who love her are deeply effected.

I am too tired to continue writing but I will be back. Thank you all my friends for your prayers. I am surrounded by the Love of God.

I'm sorry but that is just how she'd want me to say it, just belt it out like that, pull no punches.

We are loading up the van to leave right now. I have been shaking all day but not allowed the tears to come yet.

She was at her house gathering her things. She owned the house with a man she'd broken up with recently. He knew she was there. She was stabbed to death.

My sister was 43 1/2 years old (exactly.) She has 3 daughters and one son. She recently became a grandma for the first time this year, twice- a granddaughter and a grandson, 2 of her daughters having become mothers.

She is also survived by her parents, myself and my family, my brother, his wife and her new nephew, their newborn child, grandparents, loving Aunts, Uncles, and cousins, all so wonderful.

She was pre-deceased by a fiancee', Joseph, who died suddenly in 2000. Below is her testimony which she wrote to my husband Scott recently when he asked her about her walk with Jesus:

Dawn’s Testimony

I think it will be easier to write than to say in person.  It’s hard for me to get the words out without getting too choked up to speak, so here goes:

We buried Joe on a Friday.  That night in his house had been the worst of all, because all of the arrangements were done, and now life was supposed to go on.  So, I decided to spend that Saturday night at Norman’s and Laura’s.  I slept up in the little cottage, which is where Joe and I always slept, and that was almost as bad as the night before.  Basically I just slept and cried all night.  Sunday morning I woke up with this “dead” feeling inside of me.  No more looking forward to the future, no more joy, no more anything.  I was empty inside…except for the pain, and feeling totally alone.  I decided to take a shower, though, hoping I would feel better, but I just stood there crying under the water, wondering how I was supposed to go on, feeling nothing but emptiness and misery.  Then, within a split second, all of that washed away, and was replaced by an absolute feeling of joy and love.  In fact, the joy was so strong, I laughed out loud.  I knew I was not alone.  I was sure it was Joe with me.  I even said hello to him, and thanked him for making me feel better.  I felt better the rest of the day, and was able to think about the future again.  Later I realized it was probably Jesus who healed my broken soul, but I believe Joe was the actual presence I felt.  Jesus must have been inside my soul.  I have known since that day that Joe is in Heaven, along with all of our loved ones, and he’s waiting, so I’ll enjoy life to the fullest while here, knowing I’ll see him again.  I also believe the feeling of absolute joy and love must be what we will feel in Heaven.  I also believe Jesus let me feel it for that moment so I would know Joe was okay.  It’s indescribable, but I can assure you it’s nothing I’ve ever felt before.

I have never felt that emptiness again.

My sister once expressed she'd like to be buried next to Joseph.

So you see, through her grief she already showed me how to do this.

She was always going before me.

I could not leave here without telling you all of this because I know your prayers will follow us.

God is great and God is good and God will get us through this, Jesus and family.

God put my sister on this earth and I Praise Him, Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Amen.