We were returning from my niece’s wedding. We had a wonderful time. On our last day we stopped at the cemetery our six children. I had been to my sister’s grave twice already on this trip, but all the children hadn’t. It was upsetting to see them all standing near her stone. They all love her so much. I know I need to be thankful that they knew her. It is not so for my brother’s baby, or Dawn’s two grandchildren so far, or the others coming.

Then we went to visit my dad at the medical home where he lives. I know his family parents are ‘happy’ with the arrangements there, but every time I visit, his room is smaller. If it gets any smaller, it will be ridiculous. I think they make it great for a while until the residents and families are dependent on them, and then the glory treatment is over. I think his care is good: I just wish his room were bigger. Again, I need to just be thankful that it is a clean, well run, kind and caring place. Everyone there is great.

It is still just kind of tough to walk out of there and see your father as one of “those” people, in a wheelchair, bound to a building-- unless taken someplace. They say he falls sometimes. He has MS, but it developed later in his life (after 40). I wish him no ill-will. Those days are past me. His accountability is between him and God now. His daughter who lived nearby (and would have visited regularly) was murdered 18 months ago. Our problems are bigger now.

When I got home I threw on my boots and jacket and went straight out to the barn. My OTTB (Off Track Thoroughbred) and our black pony were there. I was very anxious to get back home when we were leaving NJ, and I think this new horse in my life had something to do with it.

I was in NJ six times after losing Dawn in that first year. Now I hadn’t been there in seven months. So, leaving and coming home was different. You don’t know until you do it. Going from the cemetery with the kids, straight to see my dad, and then leave for home was too difficult. I have to do it differently from now on. Convenience is not always the best route. We forget that we have emotions. I called my brother and left a message on his cell phone as we left. Thank God he is there, I told him. I call my Mom every night. Tonight, I will tell her: it was rough. It is good for us to share these things. It is support to know others hurt. She bears her burden every day, and better than all the rest of us put together. I don’t know how she does it. It must be faith.

Faith cannot be discounted in all of this. Without it, I would be MUCH worse off. And my husband is very supportive.

Now I have 8 weeks to be back home, homeschool the kids, keep the house up, maybe paint, and ride the horses…then it’s 2 weeks of preparation, vacation at VA beach and the travel involved from here (700 miles 1-way). Then I have 1-2 weeks back home until the murder trial begins in mid-September. So they say.

That is a whole different story. Right now, the house needs to be cleaned, and my kids are awaiting instructions. It’s raining, but my horses are tended to.

It’s the little things, the little blessings that we must hold on to. They are the handholds of life that keep us from falling into the pit of despair. The little blessings save us.

When I pulled up alone to Dawn’s grave on the morning of her daughter’s wedding, this song came on the radio: “I am alive, hey, hey, I am alive…”   Thank You, I said.

First I want to THANK YOU for your comments on the trial. I cannot tell you how supportive it is to get encouragement, feedback and requests for info so that prayer is possible. YOU ARE SO GREAT!!

Let me quickly say that I will post word when it comes; I feel the trials will not bring closure… I am learning closure comes from God, courage, and boldly moving forward while keeping your loved one(s) locked safely forever in your heart and memories. The trial will bring about justice, which is its prime purpose. It will change nothing for us, or for the assailant. But justice is important.

The trial will open up a lot of new information and forensics that I am sure we would rather be without…but, we will get through it. It may set back our healing some, but that is to be expected and can be planned on.

God Bless you ALL!

Well, it is a year to the day that my sister died. This is the 24th post I've written since then: that averages to two per month...not bad, I guess, for the occasional blogger I have turned out to be since our losing Dawn and having new lives.

I would like to thank you ALL of my special blog friends again for your love and continued support and prayers throughout the year. Prayers DO make a difference! I have never seen that so real as I have this past year.

I have also realized how much this tragedy has increased my faith in God. He has been so real, right by our sides, continually-- when we need Him most and do not even ask: He is there.

The court trials will begin in January. I do not know if I will have computer access during that time. The trials are expected to be a MONTH long. "An exercise in survival," is how I was told to view it, by Rich Pompelio of the NJ Crime Victim's Law Center.

So come see the new portraits at my blog sidebar: I am doing alright. Do we get a choice? My sister would never have wanted me to roll over on this. I live for her. I know she is fine: it is ourselves we cry for, as her best friend said to me. Still, she is missed, everyday. The pain will never cease. But that is okay. It shows how much she is loved.

We have snow-- I am enjoying being inside, doing lessons; I still go out to the barn 2ce a day to take care of the horses and other animals. We are looking forward to crafty projects and of course, a LOT of cookie making! Last year my son at I luv to bake made ALL the Christmas cookies for our whole family (us and NJ). He is keeping me to it again this year, I think!

So I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed holiday season. I will try to check in again before the trials, but, if I don't: God Bless Everyone.

This is something I wrote in NJ while still there the first time. I was thinking of my blog here when I wrote it:

" I cannot tell [you] what it feels like to have a blog one day, and be in the news (your family's tragedy) the next.

To see the papers and feel some peace because your family is not front page in them.

To do a search on your engine for your sister- and get results.

To see public comments to news articles surrounding your sister.

To see comments from your desperately sad brother."

That is all I wrote on that subject at the time. It is still indescribable. I consider blogs to be first and foremost, the new free press. I never did like sensationalism; now I can say I am really against it.

The New York Times got something wrong.

I also realized the other day: it's not over. We have trials to go through. That means more newspaper articles.

The trials are not expected to begin for 1-2 years: court schedules.

Today I put away the Nativity set (my sister’s idea to buy for me, with my Mother, in 2004) to set out our school books.

I know starting lessons will help me as much as being home did when we first got back.

I started a new site on Blogger for my overflow writing from my brother's forum.

Here’s the link:   New Day Dawning **

Hope you all have a good day and may God Bless you in the new year, 2007.

** Note: I deleted this site on November 25, 2007

I would like to give all of you a BIG heartfelt thanks for your comments over the past month +. I cannot describe how wonderful it is to have support. Our healing comes from many different avenues and my blog friends have definitely been playing a part. So THANK YOU and God Bless you all. I hope to be leaving comments again soon.

My sister, whom I now need to be calling OUR sister because I do share this loss with a brother and his wife, our 3rd sister- - and my husband- OUR sister read my blog every day. When I checked my stats, I could always see her connection from her computer at work in New Jersey. (I'm sure it was at lunchtime, Paul! smile) [That's our sister's boss of 15 years.]  Her work is suffering like the family they are, too.

I really did not know what I was going to do with this blog. I definitely will not be checking "stats" for a while. I don't even care (anymore) and may delete the statcounter, anyway.

Furthermore, you should all know that right now, it only seems to be on RANDOM DAYS that I can even get into this blog since the update last month. So unless that straightens out, now you know why my posting is random as well. I was very happy to get on today. Yesterday and some days before I could not even view my blog! But I am not complaining. I know HSB has their hands full. I took it as maybe God didn't want me on here.

One thing I can tell is that the homeschooling is very different for me. We are not officially back at it until Wednesday, the 3rd, after the holiday. I am blessed that my husband has Tues. the 2nd off as well.

So maybe once I start up again I will have things to say. Meanwhile I am also considering beginning a blog to write about the journey I am on, the process of grief, which I know will take a long time, at least years, and we have a trial to go through, too, which will not be on the court schedule for 1-2 years at least, and will also take its toll.

As a Christian woman I know at this point God does not expect me to forgive that assailant like He would if He were asked. I know God forgives murderers. I am not God. Honestly, this is the first time in my life I have actually hoped someone does not hear the Gospel message and burns in Hell. 

Obvioulsy I have a lot of anger to deal with. Sudden traumatic loss is one thing. Intentionally losing a family member due to a person's selfish will is- a change in your whole perspective toward humankind.

My husband found me a nice, down to earth Christian counselor only 15 minutes away, which is a miracle up here where even my gas is 15 minutes away. He has people at the town he works in, and my children will all be seeing my lady.

Dawn  was killed on one of my son's birthdays. I won't say who (for secure reasons) but if you pray God will know whom you mean.

This post has gotten WAY long which shows how much I need it. You should see my handwritten diary/journal. It is getting filled every day!

So I hope to keep this a reasonable homeschool blog, as that is what everyone is here for- I know, I never wrote about homeschooling, anyway. It was always political/social stuff, which I don't care about anymore. (I must say that writing on here and walking away again helps get me ready for homeschooling.)

So we will see what happens with this blog. I do need to start another about Dawn, as I do not want to unfairly make you read all that. If/when I do, I'll link it here. In the meantime, I hope I get back on here again next time, and here are 2 pictures of our sister, mother, aunt, friend, daughter, granddaughter, cousin, niece, goddaughter:

Here is Dawn with her two Grandbabies. She never lived to see their First Birthday or Christmas.

I love this picture for how happy she looks. We are at beach vacation, remember that trip I took in July? She is feeding her Grandson who was just Born. She attended his Birth.

Here is our brother's website about our Dawn: Remember Dawn

There are pictures there, too.

Wow- I can’t believe it, I got onto my blog. I have been trying for days…

Thank you HSB support!

Just in time to say I will be in New Jersey until next weekend, almost 2007.

We are celebrating the holiday with all who grieve and share the loss of my sister.

Christmas was her favorite holiday and we are doing it about her and for her this year.

I wrote a new post, but our new system lost it.

That's okay, I really wanted to link you to where I've been writing lately:

Rememberdawn

This is linked to a website under construction,

but the forum where we are writing is up and very busy.

God Bless you all.

I have so much to say...

hug your little ones today.

I'll be back.

Lord willing.

There are no words to express the Love of God when faced with a situation like ours. His mercies are new every sunrise. The evil of the violent crime against my sister has been covered over time and again with love. There is testimony after testimony coming in of God’s mercy and grace in this situation.

When I get more time I may begin posting the stories. I know this is a homeschool blog- but if I can teach my children how to get through this with mercy, love, and grace, my work on this planet is complete.

You know the Spirit of God when you see two families hugging each other after an arraignment, the unremorseful accused having just been viewed by the bereaved family, with the County Prosecutor saying, “But for the Grace of God…”

You know the Strength of God when you view a comatose Mother whose lost her firstborn daughter and best friend, completely devoid of most hope and frightened beyond what any human should ever have to endure, get up the next day, face life, and feed her 6 cats.

You know the Grace of God when the men of the family restrain themselves in the courtroom.

You know the Courage of God when motherless children cover over the place of her death with roses and hold a memorial, all by themselves.

When things happen you can go with the good or with the bad. I suggest going with the good because there are gifts beyond immeasurable measure in store.

I could not help but wonder what it was like to be one of the families where tragedy like this happens when it did happen. Most specifically I think of Michelle Gardner-Quinn who was killed in VT recently.

The answer to the question is we are the same people. We are still ourselves, now dealing with a tremendous loss and all our lives forever changed. All who love her are deeply effected.

I am too tired to continue writing but I will be back. Thank you all my friends for your prayers. I am surrounded by the Love of God.

I'm sorry but that is just how she'd want me to say it, just belt it out like that, pull no punches.

We are loading up the van to leave right now. I have been shaking all day but not allowed the tears to come yet.

She was at her house gathering her things. She owned the house with a man she'd broken up with recently. He knew she was there. She was stabbed to death.

My sister was 43 1/2 years old (exactly.) She has 3 daughters and one son. She recently became a grandma for the first time this year, twice- a granddaughter and a grandson, 2 of her daughters having become mothers.

She is also survived by her parents, myself and my family, my brother, his wife and her new nephew, their newborn child, grandparents, loving Aunts, Uncles, and cousins, all so wonderful.

She was pre-deceased by a fiancee', Joseph, who died suddenly in 2000. Below is her testimony which she wrote to my husband Scott recently when he asked her about her walk with Jesus:

Dawn’s Testimony

I think it will be easier to write than to say in person.  It’s hard for me to get the words out without getting too choked up to speak, so here goes:

We buried Joe on a Friday.  That night in his house had been the worst of all, because all of the arrangements were done, and now life was supposed to go on.  So, I decided to spend that Saturday night at Norman’s and Laura’s.  I slept up in the little cottage, which is where Joe and I always slept, and that was almost as bad as the night before.  Basically I just slept and cried all night.  Sunday morning I woke up with this “dead” feeling inside of me.  No more looking forward to the future, no more joy, no more anything.  I was empty inside…except for the pain, and feeling totally alone.  I decided to take a shower, though, hoping I would feel better, but I just stood there crying under the water, wondering how I was supposed to go on, feeling nothing but emptiness and misery.  Then, within a split second, all of that washed away, and was replaced by an absolute feeling of joy and love.  In fact, the joy was so strong, I laughed out loud.  I knew I was not alone.  I was sure it was Joe with me.  I even said hello to him, and thanked him for making me feel better.  I felt better the rest of the day, and was able to think about the future again.  Later I realized it was probably Jesus who healed my broken soul, but I believe Joe was the actual presence I felt.  Jesus must have been inside my soul.  I have known since that day that Joe is in Heaven, along with all of our loved ones, and he’s waiting, so I’ll enjoy life to the fullest while here, knowing I’ll see him again.  I also believe the feeling of absolute joy and love must be what we will feel in Heaven.  I also believe Jesus let me feel it for that moment so I would know Joe was okay.  It’s indescribable, but I can assure you it’s nothing I’ve ever felt before.

I have never felt that emptiness again.

My sister once expressed she'd like to be buried next to Joseph.

So you see, through her grief she already showed me how to do this.

She was always going before me.

I could not leave here without telling you all of this because I know your prayers will follow us.

God is great and God is good and God will get us through this, Jesus and family.

God put my sister on this earth and I Praise Him, Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

Amen.