I don’t feel that anymore. The grief has moved. It’s quite amazing.

(You see? All people need is time. Folks don’t get enough time in this country or recognition for grief. It’s fast, fast, fast…3 days for a funeral and then, back to work! Get over it! Move on!)

Now my grief-experience says: Look out!! Good swings are always followed by pits when it comes to grief. Well, yes, that’s right. And I will probably be having a horrible time rather soon, when we are at the sentencing in October. Still, I know that even 3 steps forward and 1 or 2 back get me someplace.

So I’m just kind of saying, Wow. I am at my blog and it feels nice.

All of you who have checked in these past 22 months, you have done more for me by being there dependably, no matter how long I was between posts, no matter if I wrote back or not, than I can say. But I will try to say it:

I thought losing this blog = your friendships would be just another consequence of a violent crime. Something I had to let go of, hopelessly, with no choice.

But I didn’t give it up completely, because of you all.

And now I see that I didn’t have to. After ALL that I have been forced to say good-bye to, dreams, hopes, a previous life, the family we used to have~

I hope you can get a glimmer of how comforting it is to have something that withstood this crime!!!

With tears, I thank you. You will not know (until heaven) how much you have helped me.

Sincerely,

Allison Costa

The loss of one person’s life takes only a few seconds. Our systems react to it for months; that’s just the way it is. You can’t struggle through it, try to overcome it, or avoid it any more than you can avoid childbirth. It has to just happen on its own timeline, individual for each person.

It begins with shock. A huge piece of our soul is ripped away, and we are exposed. We experience shaking limbs, teeth rattling, adrenalin surges, anxiety, stomach issues, and your heart grips and pains for days on end, to mention a few. There are physical symptoms specific to individuals. I noticed that during the two days before my sister’s funeral, I had the worst labor pain I’d experienced in my life of birthing six children. I was not even pregnant at the time.

Everyone you love is also in shock and you are kind of like the blind leading the blind. This is a great time to have a grief-experienced friend nearby who hasn’t experienced your particular loss. This friend will tell you not to hurry. All your other friends will expect it.

You spend the first year in shock and getting past the “firsts.” As my brother said on the one year anniversary of my sister’s death, “No more thinking about what she was doing a year ago.” The major shock can last 6 months to a year.

The second year is when you really start actually dealing with the loss. A lot of the shock has given way to the realization that this is really true, and you have to live with it for as long as you shall live. Counseling is a big help the second year (not that it doesn’t help the first year, too) because by now most everybody expects you to stop talking about it, but your system is just starting to actually deal with it. The exception would be others who share your loss~ they are probably happy to have you to talk to, because they are on the same basic timeline. Understanding friends are also a blessing.

By now our choices have come into play. Yes, we do get a choice. Not in what happened, but in what we are going to do about it. What are we going to do with that great big hole? How do we fill it in, and with what? We can not replace the person we lost. We can strive to find healthy choices, however, to fill up the emptiness we feel. It won’t be the same, but it’s better than letting the hole deteriorate into bad choices.

My first answer was to meet the vast pain with courage, the same courage my sister had when she lost her fiancee’ six years before her own death. She was my inspiration. A big red horse was my second answer. A close friend said to me, “Allison, if I was going to heal you, I’d send you a horse.” A dream come true, I believe my sister brought him to me. There are probably hundreds of individual answers for individual needs. I think the best thing would be to pursue a dream you’ve always had, but never made time for. It becomes a dedication to your lost loved one.

But you also have to be careful with whatever you decide to do. I used to fall completely apart for days with every small failure with my new horse. Now I see why~ I had too much vested in success with him. It was as if every small challenge meant I was not going to personally make it. Now I see that I still have to look at the reality of the situation and not put all my healing on one beast (so to speak.) Besides, it’s not fair to the dream, whatever it may be.

I am not in the third year of my grief yet, but my best friend in NC has had several sudden losses, and she tells me that the third year is when the healing picks up.

When we came home from vacation recently, for the first time I felt ready to put my sister in a special place deep down inside myself, where the memories will be untouched. At first, I hated the feeling of time marching on heartlessly, as my sister’s last day on earth receded further and further from the horizon of today.

Now the panic has given way to something more secure. What has happened to her still has a global effect on me. In fact, it shaped me into a completely new person. But my memories will remain safe, and sacred, where no body can touch or hurt them.

This is just an example of a feeling that could not be rushed. Others may have found it sooner. I may have done other things sooner. Everybody has an individual timeline. The main thing is a respect for everyone’s individual time and needs.

All of these thoughts came about in the middle of a night recently when suddenly my sister was with me, in my heart, I could feel her presence. The most amazing thing is that it felt like we were children again. I had all the feelings of childhood with her there and was able to see how secure I felt when she was near. It was a gift that happened after I found new security without her in this world. So I am thankful. She always did have good timing.

Thank you for reading,

Allison

We were actually taking a chance on a jury. He was lieing about what happened and the victim is not there to argue for herself. (WE know what the truth is because we know her and how she would act.)

All the sympathy goes to the live defendant sitting there in the courtroom. Let me say, O.J. Simpson trial. People don't want to be 'responsible' for putting somebody away for life. Even if an innocent life is taken. (Crimes against children do get more punishment, but not ones against adults.)

People like myself, who know the truth, will never make it to a jury now.

 I know, it makes you just feel aghast, doesn’t it? Believe me, the amount of patience and self-control it has taken to accept this as the way things truly are in our judicial system has been monumentally stressful. The only thing that has ‘helped’ is knowing that FAMILIES ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY ARE GOING THROUGH THIS EXACT SAME THING. People getting away with murder.

I had to leave it to God. I do not know the story. The assailant could die in prison. He could get saved and die in prison. He could suffer unimaginably for 10-20 years and die horribly. You know what I do know? That my sister who walked this earth would never have wanted this for him, never! She was forgiving and kind.

But there is justice, as much as we can get on this earth, and in the next.

He pleaded to something that holds a penalty of 10-30 years. He agreed to 25 when he pleaded guilty. Now we actually have to work to write letters and make a good representation so that he does not get less, since his lawyer’s job is to argue for less. Our prosecutor says we have a good judge.

The reason we did not go to trial is that his plea (that he’d have used at the trial) held a sentence of 5, 10, 15 years with only a small amount being served before parole. Our prosecutor did not want to see him walk in 5-10 years for this, or see us go through that. The lesser gamble was to take the 25.

His trial plea was something some states have called “passion provocation.” Which basically says, “I was so upset, I killed somebody!” I know, it’s a permission for lack of self control. The prosecutors hate it. That’s why people have to vote when things come up about your state’s judicial system.

Texas has good laws regarding homicide. (For homeschooling and homebirth, too.)  Hmmm- the country know-how of all those cowboys and cowgirls…so it varies by state.

And when do we actually look into these things and get versed in them?

Too late, apparently. After the funeral.

But there are people working to make a difference.

Ok- that’s the long answer.   ~Allison

Before that we had 2 weeks of phone calls with the court Prosecutor in my sister’s case. A new judge had asked us all to settle on a 25 year sentence for the defendant. Apparently people are getting away with murder in this country, and he was afraid the person would walk away with 5-15 from a bum jury. They certainly exist.

At first we were indignant, but when we had to consider which gamble was higher, we decided to go with the 25 years, which he will hardly survive at his age in a state prison in NJ.

On August 19, 2008 he accepted our deal and pleaded guilty.

Home News Tribune (NJ)

Star Ledger (NJ)

The sentencing is on October 24, 2008 and there will be no trial. My family and I will travel to NJ to attend the sentencing. We give our impact statements there, and send letters now which the judge will read in advance.

Today I have been filing schoolwork and gearing up for a new year. The weather is beautiful.

Thanks in advance!

The disappearance of Brooke initiated Vermont’s first ever Amber Alert.  Vermont is one of only a handful of  states in the nation which has not adopted Jessica’s Law.

The computer tracking that implicated Brooke’s ex-step-dad in the murder can be used to find people who import illegal child pornography into their home. Apparently there is something before congress to support this measure: PROTECT is asking Vermont Sen. Patrick Leahey (D-VT) to use his power as Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee to push the Biden-Hatch bill past Senate obstructionists and onto the floor for a vote.

In at least 1 in 3 child pornography arrests, law enforcement finds evidence of a local child victim, but less than 2% of these leads are being investigated due to sheer lack of resources.

Fox talk show host Bill O’Reilly once suggested that his listeners "visit [Vermont] at your discretion," because it is a "hopeless, hopeless state" that refuses to "protect the kids" from child molesters.

This is a popular opinion:

“the law will not be added until there is an outcry by the people. as for who makes the laws it is the state government that is elected by the people. as to who is to blame it will rest on the people for letting their lawmakers pass laws that protect the criminals.”

Um, excuse me, can we say, civil unions? Did that go past the people, the heart and soul of conservative rural Vermont? No way! It was ordered down through the courts by the then-governor, now chair of the DNC, Dean! BTW, you can blame populated, liberal Chittenden County for throwing any actual voting we DO get to do.

You can't blame voters for this murder. O’Reilley can blame all of Vermont, if he wants to. I think anytime someone gets passionate about child’s rights it is a good thing. Others are blaming the parents. I’m sorry, but there is only one person to blame: the sick man that did this crime!

Why don’t we learn how to stop pointing political fingers, blame the man who did this, and hold him accountable? Somebody did just that, and they get my final standing ovation:

“Jacques is charged under a federal law that provides for the death penalty in a kidnapping resulting in a child's death. Michael Jacques, 42, could face the death penalty under federal law if convicted in the disappearance of Brooke Bennett.”

I guess federal prosecutors had to take things into their own hands, since Vermont politicians seem to believe that we can dismiss criminals and put them through some program for healing, a little slap on the wrist and they won’t be back, and after all aren’t people basically good?

Worldview can be a matter of life and death, folks. It really has been.

Even if something is done, it is too late for little Brooke, too late for her family and friends.

It is almost too late for the 14 year old abuse victim “Juvenile 1” who, unbelievably, is being called an accomplice and a teenage lover, instead of an alive fellow victim, in all of this. Oversight and minds like that just add to the victimization of children. 

First we weeded a neighbor’s rose garden. She does not get around as well as she used to, since a plow truck ran over her several years ago.

Our youngest found a garden snail while we were there, so we made a habitat in a jar for it when we got home.

A friend who saw the tarp on our roof (dormers are being put in) stopped in to see if we needed anything (he is a roofer).

We made the kids a grilled-cheese & tomato soup dinner (to be followed by popcorn and their own movies while we are out.)

Then we fed the barn.

Then the dogs got skunked.

Then my boys were interrupting me in the back recesses of my closet while I was looking for something to wear, because they wanted the BB gun (to hunt the skunk with.)

Then my daughter decided we were NOT going out without her.

Guess what? We actually made it out. It was 9:45 pm when we left. We reached civilization at 10:pm. Nobody serves food after 10:pm. -- not even nachos. So…we bought a bag of white corn chips and went home to make our own snack. We watched a movie comfortably in our living room, while the kids watched theirs on a computer (and another, on a laptop.)

I had a wonderful night!

We were returning from my niece’s wedding. We had a wonderful time. On our last day we stopped at the cemetery our six children. I had been to my sister’s grave twice already on this trip, but all the children hadn’t. It was upsetting to see them all standing near her stone. They all love her so much. I know I need to be thankful that they knew her. It is not so for my brother’s baby, or Dawn’s two grandchildren so far, or the others coming.

Then we went to visit my dad at the medical home where he lives. I know his family parents are ‘happy’ with the arrangements there, but every time I visit, his room is smaller. If it gets any smaller, it will be ridiculous. I think they make it great for a while until the residents and families are dependent on them, and then the glory treatment is over. I think his care is good: I just wish his room were bigger. Again, I need to just be thankful that it is a clean, well run, kind and caring place. Everyone there is great.

It is still just kind of tough to walk out of there and see your father as one of “those” people, in a wheelchair, bound to a building-- unless taken someplace. They say he falls sometimes. He has MS, but it developed later in his life (after 40). I wish him no ill-will. Those days are past me. His accountability is between him and God now. His daughter who lived nearby (and would have visited regularly) was murdered 18 months ago. Our problems are bigger now.

When I got home I threw on my boots and jacket and went straight out to the barn. My OTTB (Off Track Thoroughbred) and our black pony were there. I was very anxious to get back home when we were leaving NJ, and I think this new horse in my life had something to do with it.

I was in NJ six times after losing Dawn in that first year. Now I hadn’t been there in seven months. So, leaving and coming home was different. You don’t know until you do it. Going from the cemetery with the kids, straight to see my dad, and then leave for home was too difficult. I have to do it differently from now on. Convenience is not always the best route. We forget that we have emotions. I called my brother and left a message on his cell phone as we left. Thank God he is there, I told him. I call my Mom every night. Tonight, I will tell her: it was rough. It is good for us to share these things. It is support to know others hurt. She bears her burden every day, and better than all the rest of us put together. I don’t know how she does it. It must be faith.

Faith cannot be discounted in all of this. Without it, I would be MUCH worse off. And my husband is very supportive.

Now I have 8 weeks to be back home, homeschool the kids, keep the house up, maybe paint, and ride the horses…then it’s 2 weeks of preparation, vacation at VA beach and the travel involved from here (700 miles 1-way). Then I have 1-2 weeks back home until the murder trial begins in mid-September. So they say.

That is a whole different story. Right now, the house needs to be cleaned, and my kids are awaiting instructions. It’s raining, but my horses are tended to.

It’s the little things, the little blessings that we must hold on to. They are the handholds of life that keep us from falling into the pit of despair. The little blessings save us.

When I pulled up alone to Dawn’s grave on the morning of her daughter’s wedding, this song came on the radio: “I am alive, hey, hey, I am alive…”   Thank You, I said.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

I seem to be hitting this blog about the same time every month, and it is not intentional! Our nice weather is so short; my computer time is really limited now as I spend almost all my spare time outside working. I have been horse training and we have baseball until mid-June.

We got word on the trial and it will begin September 8, 2008 in New Brunswick, New Jersey. It will be every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday for about 5 weeks.

My niece is getting married! It’s a June Wedding in New Jersey!! We will all be attending. She has asked my husband to read their vows for them and stand in the place of officiate.

Our grass is turning green but the tallest mountain still has snow on its peak.

After June we are planning on a week at Virginia Beach with my family at the end of August. Then it will be a short time until I head back to NJ for trial.

For now I am focused on the children and the horses and making the most out of spring. I still feel a piercing pain most of the time, but I think you learn to live with it rather than it just going away. I am definitely changed as a person: more assertive in many ways, and much more laid back in others. Priorities have changed.

My Mom, niece, nephew (18) and great-nephew! (20 mos.) visited last weekend. We had such fun before they even got here, pulling up toddler toys from storage! We all had a great time. I put a couple of horsey-fun pictures here.

I hope you all have a wonderful spring holiday, Resurrection Day!

  It's like Facebook for Homeschoolers!

                                 www.thehomeschoollounge.com

Here is the description from the founder, Tiany's blog:

• Create your own space
• Start or join discussions in our Forum
• Start or join a group
• Start a Blog or Promote an existing Blog
• Create a slide show widget of your pictures for your blog
• Photo Gallery
• Video Gallery
• Live Chat
• Invite other Homeschool Moms, friends and family
• Members only community ~ All members, all videos and pictures must be approved and only the front page of our site can be viewed by the public for the safety and comfort of our homeschool moms.

All homeschool parents can sign up to join the Lounge from the front page and from there they will be approved for full membership to view all pages of The Homeschool Lounge. As for invites, you can send anyone you want an invite by clicking on the tab that says "Invite" and also the people that join The Homeschool Lounge from your invite link will automatically be included in your list of "Friends" aka Lounge Sisters."


Let me know if you join; I'll go find you over there.

Thank you for the support! I see many of us have painting to catch up on. Of course-- it shows where our priorities are. We are homeschooling!

I want to share something that has to do with this blog: yesterday I read over my Noah Plan Principle Approach material from the Foundation for American Christian Education (www.face.net).

In the past, much of it was confusing to me. Yesterday, it was like a thunderclap to my brain. I wrote to Dana (Principled Discovery) that maybe I had to undergo pain and suffering to be able to get the gist of it! Perhaps my mind has been through a crucible.

I'm just a cowgirl, wrangling with and training horses and kids (and occasionally sending my husband out for a spin around the corral, too.) Scholarship in jeans, that works for me!

First I want to THANK YOU for your comments on the trial. I cannot tell you how supportive it is to get encouragement, feedback and requests for info so that prayer is possible. YOU ARE SO GREAT!!

Let me quickly say that I will post word when it comes; I feel the trials will not bring closure… I am learning closure comes from God, courage, and boldly moving forward while keeping your loved one(s) locked safely forever in your heart and memories. The trial will bring about justice, which is its prime purpose. It will change nothing for us, or for the assailant. But justice is important.

The trial will open up a lot of new information and forensics that I am sure we would rather be without…but, we will get through it. It may set back our healing some, but that is to be expected and can be planned on.

God Bless you ALL!

Hello! Just want to pop in and say our trial date was rescheduled, with no new date in sight, so I'm home. 

My days are a plan of: 1) Feeding horses, 2) Homeschool, and 3) Painting my downstairs, including my kitchen cabinets.    Fortunately, painting is a long family tradition, and I have all the support I need in getting questions answered.

I hope all is well with you and all your families!! 

Well, it is a year to the day that my sister died. This is the 24th post I've written since then: that averages to two per month...not bad, I guess, for the occasional blogger I have turned out to be since our losing Dawn and having new lives.

I would like to thank you ALL of my special blog friends again for your love and continued support and prayers throughout the year. Prayers DO make a difference! I have never seen that so real as I have this past year.

I have also realized how much this tragedy has increased my faith in God. He has been so real, right by our sides, continually-- when we need Him most and do not even ask: He is there.

The court trials will begin in January. I do not know if I will have computer access during that time. The trials are expected to be a MONTH long. "An exercise in survival," is how I was told to view it, by Rich Pompelio of the NJ Crime Victim's Law Center.

So come see the new portraits at my blog sidebar: I am doing alright. Do we get a choice? My sister would never have wanted me to roll over on this. I live for her. I know she is fine: it is ourselves we cry for, as her best friend said to me. Still, she is missed, everyday. The pain will never cease. But that is okay. It shows how much she is loved.

We have snow-- I am enjoying being inside, doing lessons; I still go out to the barn 2ce a day to take care of the horses and other animals. We are looking forward to crafty projects and of course, a LOT of cookie making! Last year my son at I luv to bake made ALL the Christmas cookies for our whole family (us and NJ). He is keeping me to it again this year, I think!

So I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed holiday season. I will try to check in again before the trials, but, if I don't: God Bless Everyone.

I am an embarrassment to a long line of impeccable, capable homemakers.
 

Then again, I don't think they homeschooled.

Ok, they had to churn their butter and milk a cow before getting certain items into their kitchen. They didn't have a washer or a dryer.

When we had 3 babies, I could see this coming. I told my husband if we are going to homeschool, this day would come. And it has. It is 11 years late, if you ask me:

I HAVE HIRED HOUSECLEANERS!!!

I can't take it anymore. I have humbled myself and learned to live with dust. I have trained my boys to sweep, vacuum, and do dishes. They take over their own laundry at age 12 1/2. Still, it is not enough...

Here is a proposition for any mother: how about you leave your house for an average of 6 hours a day, leaving your kids at home the whole time you are gone? Then when you return, you have that whole mess to deal with, as well as dinner, laundry, and quality time with your husband. You must wrap it all into the few hours left at the end of a day.

Of course no mother would take this up and few, if any, live it. That is because most children are away at the government institution all day while mom and dad are out or at home cleaning, etc. Nobody is home making a mess all day.

The scenario above is what we sign up for by homeschooling. We are home, but we are teaching. I am unavailable for anything else, on average, 6 hours a day.

I know other moms and other families have found other answers. We used to do the big Saturday cleaning, but my husband has his own projects (related to a family farm life) to do in the little time he gets on the weekend. My Saturdays are pretty devoted to interior painting our home, and Sundays are for training the horses. Nobody has time to clean.

I found a very affordable, flexible service. I figure if they help with my regular cleaning, I'll get to the project cleaning, like my oven. Or vice-versa: they will do any job with the time I pay for.

It felt good to get the unreal expectation off myself: homeschool, horses in training,  husband starting a company, and a house I can live in. I don't see dust as a blessed, temporary condition anymore. I'd rather be blessed in the tightening of a budget and pay for housecleaners. I don't have what it takes right now to get my sons dusting or vacuuming blinds, etc. Also, they're busy, too-- they are getting older, and they have lives. It is a blessing to free up my husband's time and worries about me and the house.

And I'm not too proud to get help in my home! After all, we are homeschoolers! Why live with the craziness anymore if we can do something about it and get some real help? Teacher + housekeeper = two careers. I have read the books: there are many of them telling homeschool moms how to do it. Well, you know what my answer is...an affordable cleaning service. They're out there!

And the money we save on gas by being home all the time will help pay for it.

Think about it, ladies!
Allison

POMC's National Day of Remembrance is an annual event to remember homicide victims in this country. Each year, thousands of Americans lose their lives due to violence.

September 25, 2007 is the National Day of Remembrance.

This murder wall will be displayed at the nation’s capital on that day.

My sister’s name appears as Dawn Renee’ Katzman.

http://www.pomc.com/

Since racehorses make me cry, and I have been crying anyway, we did the only logical thing and got me a racehorse.

An ex-racehorse, really.

Here we are unloading Dreamer on the date of his delivery (my husband is the smiling guy with the cowboy hat on). The Jockey Club name is Dreamport, and he is a dream come true. I will be using him as a riding horse.

There are a number of Thoroughbred rescue organizations. Ours came through Thoroughbred Retirement Foundation. Many racehorses are done with their career by age 4, and since a large horse can live at least 20 more years after that, their life has just begun. The adoptions are extremely affordable.

Unfortunately, some owners opt to send their racehorses for slaughter. Thoroughbred rescues hope to give the animals a second chance.

Our horse is a six year old grandson of Seattle Slew (1977 Triple Crown Winner) and is a direct descendant of Man O’ War (my favorite racehorse) 5x in his pedigree.

He is a sweet, quiet gentleman, especially for one so young.

He is definitely a rescue animal because he is rescuing me.

Soon we will begin work on adding bedrooms into our upstairs loft. We need to knock down a wall in the house and put rooms in on the other side. First, the foundation has to be strengthened. This room I’m sitting in will be torn apart, and the ceiling lowered.

I’ll be spending most of my spare time on photos and scrapbooks.

Have a blessed day!

**Update: No need to drop the ceiling over my computer! Yippee yeaa!