Sep. 10, 2006 - People Pleasing Parenting
Posted in Child Training
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For as long as I’ve know myself, I have been a "people pleaser". As a child I usually obeyed my parents because I just didn’t think of defying them. If I was told to do something I did it. I did not want anyone to be unhappy with me.
Others behavior often baffles me - for example, there is a funny story about my sweet sister in law during her kindergarten years: when told to do a certain task by the teacher, she was heard to say, “I don’t see any sense in that!”. I just can’t believe it! I would never have said that - even if I thought so. Not because I was such a good kid, just because I didn’t want to get into trouble.
I remember when my sister and I stayed with a friend of the family for a few days...she told us that she was going out, I said, “Ok, bye”, my sister said, “Where are you going?” . Well, I did want to know where she was going but thought it was rude to ask. I also figured if she wanted us to know she would have told us. I motioned to my sister to not ask such a question and the lady said to me, “It is the people who ask, ‘Where are you going,’ that get somewhere in this life”. Well, I was shocked. I just couldn’t do that.
Becoming a parent has tested my people pleasing ways. As you well know, every man and his dog has an opinion about how you should raise your children.
My daughter was a very difficult infant. She did not sleep for 6 hours straight until she was at least 17 months old. And not only was she not sleeping for long periods, she was waking up every half hour all night long. If we sniffed she woke up! She was so exhausted that she cried most of the day too. I told her to pick one, cry at night OR all day, but she didn’t listen to me! :)
I was obviously VERY tired and anyone who was looking could see that. I received numerous tips on how to get her to sleep from people I knew and those I didn’t. Everything from giving her formula thickened with cereal to quitting breast feeding, and even giving her a sip of whiskey before bed. I am happy to report that now, at 5 years old, she sleeps very well. She is even becoming adaptable. On our last trip to Australia she slept in 3 or 4 different places. I was very impressed and pleased!
As she has grown, so has the advice. I am not against advice. I actually love to know what others are doing and what they have done to help their family. I just can’t DO all of it.
I hate disapproving glances (don’t we all). But I am becoming less and less of a people pleaser each day. No one knows the whole story. No one knows what you are doing at home, what has preceded the event or what you are going to do. I have also learned to look at WHO is giving you advice. How do there children behave? What are they like?
All of this really doesn’t matter. The opinion that does matter is God’s. He gave you your children as a gift and they are really on loan. They belong to God, as we all do. I want to do a good job in raising my children so that they can know God and go to heaven one day. I want God to tell me, “well done, good and faithful servant”.
Without a doubt, my husband’s opinion is also very important. Does he think I am doing a good job? He knows the children and the way we live. His thoughts are much more worthwhile that someone who does not know us at all.
I can only do my very best and “pray without ceasing”. I am trying more and more to seek God in my parenting. He is the giver of wisdom and offers it to those who ask.
As far as being a people pleaser goes - I don’t want to be one. I do want to get along with others, but I wish to be a God pleaser. The more we read the Bible the more we know what pleases Him. I am striving to read more also...I am still working on it.
I do know that I am not as much of a people pleaser as I used to be. When my daughter was just a few months old I was walking with her in the stroller. We were in a parking lot returning to our car. All of a sudden a car started up and began to back out - without looking!! I said, “Hey watch out - there’s a baby here!” This was not the best thing to say, but it goes to show that I was not caring about what they thought. This may not seem big to you - but it was huge for me. I would not usually say such a thing, and even now have a hard time posting it incase someone thinks badly of me.
Having children has changed who I am.....life is not about ME anymore. I am taking care of precious souls now. And that means being uncomfortable sometimes. I can’t let my own fear or discomfort get in the way of doing what is right for my little ones.
Being a people pleasing parent is impossible!
I hope that you will be encouraged to please God instead of the people around you.
Thanks for "listening",
Stacy
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Sep. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment |
 Posted by reformingmama |
Good post. I have been known to be a people-pleaser myself at times...
Reminds me of that verse, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
~Stacy
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Sep. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment |
| Posted by reformingmama |
Good post. I have been known to be a people-pleaser myself at times...
Reminds me of that verse, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."
~Stacy
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Sep. 10, 2006 - Hi, Stacy! |
 Posted by HeidiHomeschools |
I just came over to thank you for your kind comments on my blog.
But, I enjoyed reading this post. I, too, used to be a big-time people-pleaser. Over the years, I've "grown out of it" somewhat. I think that the older you get, and as you become a parent and have more responsibilities, you have to adapt. I used to never say "no" when someone asked me to do something~ now, I'm learning that I can't do it all!
Anyway, I just enjoyed reading someone else's perspective~ someone who's been there!
Heidi |
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Sep. 10, 2006 - Untitled Comment |
 Posted by appleleaf |
Hi Stacy,
It's great to visit your lovely blog and I'm pleased to meet you. You must be a very brave lady to have adapted to living in the USA and driving on the left side of the car with all those lanes on the freeways. I'd love to visit the USA some day but don't think I'd dare to drive there.
I know what you are talking about in your post because I'm a fellow recovering people-pleaser. I think when you realise you're a people-pleaser and begin working on it, you must be well on the way to recovery.
I love the last post about your daughter. My 7 y.o. daughter is just the same. They spout out whatever comes into their head, and it's so cute.
And yes, you can imagine the atmosphere over here in Australia after the death of Steve Irwin. We felt very sad in our household too, especially because he was still such a young and vibrant dad who seemed invincible.
Looking forward to visiting your blog more often,
Paula, from Adelaide. (What part of Australia do you come from?) |
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Sep. 11, 2006 - Me too! |
 Posted by byourlove1 |
I used to be such a people pleaser, one of the books that helped me was Boundaries. It can really hold you bondage being a people pleaser. I think your right parenting changes that and to go a step further HOMESCHOOLING really changes that. If we worried about what people thought of that we would never do it. Good for you!
Angela |
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Sep. 11, 2006 - i am just like that... |
 Posted by PinayMom |
| .. a people pleaser.. big time! i am still struggling but things have change with me as well.. and your girl.. my she's just like my jay.. just can't stop talking.. and it does get irritating sometimes.. dad would say when he's had enough.. son, take that mouth to a rest, will you?..lol go read a book or something..haha |
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Sep. 12, 2006 - Wow! |
 Posted by Sonya |
From one people pleaser to another...WOW I needed to read that today! Yes we should defer to others because scripture says to think of others before oursleves. However, I take it to the extreme...and then feel self-pity that no one noticed. Oh I am so wretched, God is my only hope!!
Thank you for this reminder to focus on God, not others!!
Blessings to you,
Sonya |
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Sep. 12, 2006 - Hi |
 Posted by Bahamahomeschooler |
love the post so true children do change you. I am the opposit of you though I have never cared what people thought. Got me a lots of trouble though. As a parent it is great because I am raising my kids the way I feel God wants my hd and I too.
don't you find the ones with all the advice either are not parents or have forgotten what it is like to be parents??? I try not to give advice unless I am asked. Just to play it safe. They usually don't like what I have to say anyway. The truth hurts :-) |
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Sep. 13, 2006 - Untitled Comment |
 Posted by hugs4Him |
| I've learned this too. I can't say I was ever really a total "people pleaser", but having children really knocked any of it out of me LOL! Very insightful post; thanks for sharing :-). |
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Sep. 13, 2006 - Untitled Comment |
| Posted by hugs4Him |
| I've learned this too. I can't say I was ever really a total "people pleaser", but having children really knocked any of it out of me LOL! Very insightful post; thanks for sharing :-). |
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Sep. 13, 2006 - Untitled Comment |
 Posted by AussieinAmerica |
Thanks for all the great comments. I'm glad all of you are geting over the People pLeasing thing too!
In answer to Appleleaf - I am from the Sydney area. I was born there and moved around a little, but stayed close to Sydney until I cam over to the U.S.A to marry my hubbie. I was 22 at the time.
My parents were the first of their family to leave England for Australia. I think they were close to 20 when they did that.
Stacy |
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