First let me start by saying that my weigh-in for last week was moved to Saturday.  The good news is, I lost 2 more pounds.  This brings my total to 21 lbs lost in a little over 2 months.  For that I am happy.  On with the chloroform...

Ok, so I know I'm opinionated.  I know that I'm not perfect, but I have these ideas about what is healthy and what is not.  I think that aspartame is poisonous, but taken in small enough doses, it is not fatal.  I think that over time it builds up in your system and that it can mess you up. 

I think that God created food for us to eat, and the more man tampers with God's creation the less healthy it is for you.  I think that there is a difference between chemically altering a food, and just creating an environment in which the naturally created food alters forms (for instance, Yogurt is natural, Brownie mix is not). 

So I started this diet, and with all the stuff I've been told, I should be eating pretty healthy.  I was told that fat is bad.  That it's necessary in small doses, but excess fat is evil.  I was told that I should be eating fat free milk, fat free (aspartame sweetened) yogurt, and that Bananas are bad because they are too fatty.  Eggs are also a big no-no because the yolk is bad.  I haven't even asked about Avocados. 

All of this is chafing.  I hate the fact that I'm encouraged to order chocolate brownies from "Jenny" but discouraged from eating all natural foods.  I eat mango and it's got 100 calories in a cup and half a gram of fat, but the diet plan tells me I should eat a cup of canned pears in light syrup because it's fat free. 

Now I'm sick.  This is the second bad case of post-nasal drip I've had since starting my diet.  I was corrected when I called the "vitamin bars" snack bars.  I was told they aren't just a snack, they are my source of vitamins.  So, my vitamins come in the form of a compact bar whose first three ingredients are soy protein isolate, high fructose corn syrup, and evaporated cane juice.  Yeah, that's so much healthier than getting vitamins in the form of fresh fruit and home-made whole wheat muffins.  Anyone else see the irony in this?

So I'm happy that I'm losing the weight, but some of this crap is weighing on me.  I've stopped ordering breakfast from "Jenny."  I've cut out most of the snack foods.  My next item of business is to stop ordering the "vitamin bars." 

I was a bad girl this morning.  I ate a 6 oz serving of low-fat yogurt sweetened with sugar instead of aspartame.  Of course, sugar is the third ingredient instead of the second and third.  But I'm sure when my consultant sees what I've done she'll flip. 

I'm going to eat more fruit today, and take some silver and eat a bunch of cough drops, and hopefully start feeling better before I have to sing tomorrow night.  I hate being sick.  I'm going to have to start eating healthier even if my portion size is smaller. 

Sorry if I dragged anyone into my pit of depression.  Love you all.  Next time I'll rant about aspartame.

I lost another pound.  My Gap jeans that I was so excited to get back into are starting to get loose.  At this point I’m starting to wonder when I’m going to actually be dropping back to a 14.  I’m very happy about it.  I have a pair of black dressy pants that are about to fall off of me.  I think I’m going to save them and take a picture in them when I reach my goal weight.

I’m a little frustrated because My thighs seem to be as big as ever.  I don’t mind being curvy, but I don’t want to look too much like a pear.  I know that I could use some toning, but I don’t really want to exercise.  Perhaps when we move into our new house I’ll run up and down the stairs enough to help tone my thighs a bit more. 

I haven’t lived in a house with stairs since I lived in Pittsburgh.  It’s been almost 10 years since then.  My legs were in great shape then.  I remember the first time I went roller blading here in FL.  I remember thinking “This is so easy.”  I could believe how much easier it was to rollerblade on a flat surface than it was in PA with all the hills. 

Speaking of exercise.  I really have been thinking about getting a bike.  I want to start getting out on a bike more.  I wonder if it is too long of a trek to start going to walmart on a bike.  I’ll probably look pretty geeky on a bike with a big basket in front to carry whatever I happen to pick up while I’m there.  Actually, I’d like to get a trailer that the girls can ride in.  Then I can leave the kids with Joel and take the bike to walmart and get groceries and put them in the trailer and all that.  I doubt this will actually happen though. 

Why does it seem that I’m plagued with all these ideas of what I “could” do, but I never really get out and do them.  This too shall pass.  Someday I’ll have older kids and I’ll be able to get out more and do some of these things and not have to worry about leaving them at home. 

I guess that’s all for this time.

This is why I haven’t posted my weigh-in for last Thursday.

My hubby had the day off on Friday (the day I usually blog) and I spent the day out and about doing things instead of sitting in front of the computer blogging.  We went to the Miami Metro Zoo.  It was a lot of fun.  Very cold for a south Florida day, but we had our jackets and we were walking around the whole time, so we stayed warm enough.  It’s so funny to see my kids (who have never had to live in a really cold climate) complain about how very cold it was.  Richard looked at the temperature thingy in the car and was shocked to see it at 57 on the way home from the zoo.  This was of course, the warmest time of day (around 2:00).  I explained to him that by the time we went to church that night it would probably be in the forties.  He seemed even more shocked at that thought.

After the zoo, we went to look at a couple of houses.  It looks like we are staying in south Florida for several more years.  Due to this fact, we decided that we are going to get a house that is more functional for us.  We are ditching the pool in favor of a grassy backyard.  It’s hard to find a house that really fits our desires these days.  Everything seems tailored to people who have no children, or people who don’t really cook, or people who have older kids or people who don’t like dogs.  You get the idea.  We found a house with more square footage than the one we currently own, but it seems like most of that space is taken by a large hallway and a half bath.  The nice thing is that it has a large backyard (compared to others in this part of the country).  It has a very nice screened patio, and it has an open floor plan that will eventually allow for a decent kitchen upgrade. 

After that we ate dinner and rushed off to church to begin an entire weekend with Suzy Yaraei. 

Saturday I spent most of the day at church in a worship workshop with Suzy, Kameron (her husband), and Paulette Wooten (best friend and technical coordinator).  It was amazing.  I am so glad I was able to go.  I learned a lot about tapping into the flow of the spirit and although I didn’t try any prophetic singing, she gave me encouragement and direction.  We learned 3 new songs and were able to worship with her at the Saturday night service, and the Sunday morning service the next day. 

Saturday night I was able to go the church by myself, thus avoiding the pressures of parenting during the service.  I reached a different level of freedom.  I won’t use the technical term used in my denomination for how I felt because I wouldn’t want to offend some of my readers.  Let’s just say it had something to do with the pouring out of new wine. 

Sunday we had an awesome service, and I suppose I’ll have to buy the tapes because I’m not sure I really absorbed all of the words Suzy spoke over the “Levites.”  I crashed when I got home and slept till 5:00.  Then we got up and drove out to our prospective new house.  After that we went to home depot, and then taco bell (I love the new Fresco style stuff that has half the fat of the regular entrees). 

So here I am finally sitting down to blog on Monday afternoon.  The house is quiet and we are going to put in an offer on the house later, when the girls get up from their nap.

P.S. I lost 3 lbs this week.  I’m very happy that I was able to do so well with my own breakfasts.  That’s all.

I didn't lose any weight this week.  I'm not beating around the bush about it.  I'm very dissappointed, but I'm not really surprised. 

I got to the end of my week and I had about 12 items leftover from what I ordered.  This means that I either skipped meals without realizing it, or I wasn't eating the right kinds of foods.  I know I completely went off my diet on Saturday.  I thought I was eating the right portions, but I probably went way over my fat count.  Then Sunday was the super bowl party.  Now I'm reconsidering how important it was to me to eat the garlic pork (even though I ate a tiny portion).  Oh well, tomorrow is another day. 

I will do better this week.  I am being much more careful since I can see what happens when I start to revert back to old habits. 

I am going to be a bit more brave this week, however.  I told my consultant that I wanted to do breakfasts on my own.  She told me that I need to write down every calorie and fat gram.  This morning I had 1 packet of unsweetened instant oatmeal with half a cup of blueberries and a cup of milk.  I hope that isn't too bad.  I need to be drinking my water.  I also made muffins yesterday and they're in the freezer.  I saved myself about $15.00 by doing my own breakfast this week. 

So here's to losing weight next time.  I'm still on board.  I haven't jumped off because of this little bump in the road. 

K, so I know you have all (yes all of you) been thinking, “I can’t believe it’s already almost 4:00 and Beth still hasn’t posted her weight for this week.”

I know I’m rude for leaving you hanging like this.  I’m sure you’ve been sitting on your hands all day long waiting to read my blog

(for those of you who don’t know me well enough or accidentally happened upon this particular blog, the above should have been read as dripping with sarcasm)

So I lost another 4 lbs!  I went over my weight loss goal for the month.  I wanted to lose 10 lbs for my first month.  I figured they said most people average around 2 lbs a week, so I wanted to see if I could do more than that the first month.  I have lost a total of 13 lbs since I started.  

I can tell a difference already.  I still want to binge on sweets like crazy.  I still find myself gritting my teeth when a chocolate craving comes on.  But I know one thing.  I am enjoying the excitement of victory.  I am feeling my energy rise and I am already feeling more confident about how I look.  

I like the fact that my pants no longer suffocate me when I sit down.  I like the fact that I have found more fullfilling pasttimes than sitting around eating chocolate.  I like the fact that I can create a delicious meal for family and friends and feel confident about how much of it I can enjoy.  I like the fact that, although I’m eating a much smaller portion, I can taste my food and really savor it.  I like the fact that I can look at myself in the mirror and know that things are getting better.

My life isn’t all rosy, but at least there’s one area where I feel like I’ve finally gotten things right.  I have the confidence of knowing that I’m doing what God wants me to do.  Other areas of my life might be hectic, but at least there’s one area where I have some sense of peace.

By the way, I bought myself something as a reward for reaching my goal.  I found the sweetest peppermint stripe Converse All-Stars at TJ Maxx.  They were just my size.  

This week I lost 1 lb.  No drum roll or Ta-Da.  I have to admit I was a little disappointed.  

I know that losing 9 lbs in 3 weeks is a really good average, but I’m still bummed.  I hate being average.  I want to be better than that.  It’s an obsession of mine.  

My first thought was, this is pointless I might as well gorge myself on chocolate.  But I couldn’t help but remember how I felt before I started the diet.  I remember feeling nauseous every time I put a bite of food in my mouth.  I remember thinking that I was ugly and that I was stupid because I couldn’t even figure out how to eat properly.  I remember feeling tired and grouchy a lot.  

After only 9 lbs of loss I can already tell I have more energy.  I’m not as depressed because I feel like I’m at least getting somewhere.  I feel like I’m succeeding.  I just have to stick with it and realize that I’m not going back to what I was.  

I’ve read that in order to really succeed in a diet you have to get to the point of wanting a change at all cost.  You have to get to the point where you’re so sick of being where you are, that you’ll do anything to change.  If you have even a little bit of hesitancy about it, then it’s a ***** in your armor that will ultimately lead to failure.  I really believe I’m at that point.  

All I’ve done so far in life has led me to become who I am now.  All my own efforts got me to a size 18 (I think I was actually a 20, but my size 18 jeans still fit).  That’s what my my actions led me too.  Now I’m ready to give up trying to do things my way, and shrink back down to a size 12.  

That’s not to say I’m not still battling my indiscretion.  I’m just done letting my indiscretions dictate what I do.  

I think I must be in the most mind-numbing stage of parenting.  

My youngest is two.  I’m past the stage of excitement over the “new baby”.  She’s into everything, and hasn’t quite figured out how to put stuff back when she’s done.  

My 4 year old is too young to start school and my 2 year old is too high maintenance to spend one-on-one time with the 4 year old

My 9 year old is frustrated because he can’t go out and do things that are age appropriate for him because his 2 little sisters are too young to handle those things.  

My 9 year old doesn’t have a sibling to play with and he can’t always be at his friend’s house.  

My 4 year old is ridiculously smart and seems very talented, but I can’t channel that talent into anything without ignoring the other kids.

My children are all too young to be left by themselves while I go out and do something.  My 9 year old is too young and too immature to be expected to babysit them.  

My 4 year old is potty trained, but my 2 year old isn’t ready yet, so I can’t really work on that.

The younger 2 are at that stage where I have to repeat everything a million times a day.  I can’t just say go clean your room.  I have to actually go in there and say, “pick that up… now pick that up… now pick that up.”  You get the picture.  

My 9 year old is still in the younger grades and cannot work on his schoolwork independently yet.  The work he has to do is relatively basic, and I’m not really excited about helping him spell words and do basic math.  (I never really wanted to be an elementary teacher).  

I can’t read a book to better myself without becoming too absorbed in it and tuning out my kids.  If I do so, they will trash the house.  I’m not the kind of person who can read a paragraph here and there and really keep a firm grasp on where the book is going.  

I can’t afford to subscribe to a lot of magazines, so I only have a few that can fill that desire to better myself.  

I don’t like to start sewing projects because I either get too absorbed (like reading a book), or my little darlings run off with my tools or spill my pins, or play with my scissors.  

I hate to watch TV, because there’s nothing good on during the day (well, almost nothing).  I don’t want to subscribe to cable because it’s expensive and I’d rather save up the money to improve my house.  

I can’t start projects on the house because they’re either hazardous to my children (although I found out through a friend that most indoor paint is non-toxic), or I’m afraid they’ll run off with things (like sewing).  

So my day consists of babysitting my children while doing mundane things like playing solitaire on the computer and wondering if I’m really contributing to the family.

Even typing this I am bombarded with a million mindless questions.  My 2 year old spilled her water under the table.  At least it’s just water… I love tile floors.

I used to be so high and mighty.  I used to be so pious in my motherhood.  I used to look down on women who went to work and left their children in childcare.  I used to think it was ridiculous how women could waste so much time watching soap operas.  

Now I understand how so many women become obese during their children’s early years.  Food is such an easy thing to entertain oneself with.  Now I understand how a woman could get fed up with her marriage and her home and run off with a lover.  The pay sucks, the work is mind-numbingly boring, and the people you work with are a pain in the neck.  

I’m not saying I’m giving it all up.  I’m just saying that God has certainly worked the holier-than-thou out of me on this one.  I love my children, but I have to say I can’t wait until I’m past the stage of having young children.

My hubby can be so romantic sometimes. 

He is very picky about movies.  He and I have separate netflix queues, so we don't get frustrated with each other's movie choices.  He doesn't like most of what I put on my queue and I think his tatste is very limited. 

Well the other day he started putting movies on his queue that he thought I would like.  Now He and I are playing this game.  I'll put something on my queue that I think he'll like that he otherwise might not have picked, and he does likewise. 

Last night we watched "Chocolat".  Now, I've been on this diet, and I know I've posted about my chocolate addiction.  He told me to save some calories during the day so I can eat chocolate while I watch the movie he picked for me.  I didn't know that he had picked "Chocolat".  I had saved this dark chocolate bar from my stocking for a special occaision.  It has just the right balance of bitter and sweet and it's so smooth.  I've had some bittersweet chocolate that tasted a bit brittle.  This one melted in the mouth so nicely. 

So we were sitting on the couch and I must say it was one of the best chocolate experiences I've ever had.  Every time we saw chocolates being made on the movie he would put a piece in my mouth, so it was like I was tasting the movie.  I know he probably thought the movie was lame.  I thought it was sweet (no pun intended). 

I just thought it was so romantic of him.  I really appreciated his willingness to spend time with me and treat me like I was so special.  This is my round about way of thanking him.  To tell the world how wonderful he is. 

p.s. The movie "Chocolat" is rated PG 13.  Don't be offended by the fact that I watched it and enjoyed it.  There is swearing and sensuality.  There are two semi-sex scenes.  One shows partial nudity and the other doesn't.  There is an illegitimate child, and an abused wife.  I would not recommend this movie unless I knew that you wouldn't be offended by it.  You must decided for yourself if you would like to see it.  Don't go and watch it and then blame me for your decision.  But I really enjoyed the experience of seeing chocolate on the screen and actually tasting it at the same time. 

So I was watching "A Hard Day's Night" with my hubby the other day and we couldn't help but notice a striking resemblance between my brother Joel and Pal McCartney.  There were several times during the movie when I was surprised at the similarity.  so I decided to see what I could do with some face recognition stuff.

Yesterday was my second weigh-in.  Once again I was afraid to get on the scale.  I think that if it were a Dr’s office I would have had a high blood pressure reading too.  So, are you curious?  If you’re reading my blogs that means you must have some small interest in the unfolding story.  

Are you ready?

Here it comes.  Drum roll please…………

I lost another 4 lbs.  

Here’s what has been going through my mind.  I really don’t like being on the diet.  I keep having these little conversations with God.  

ME: “God, I don’t like this.  I want to quit.  If it wasn’t for Jodie, I would cheat right now.”

GOD: “So, you are upset because you can’t make your own decisions, when in the past your decisions made you who you are right now.”

ME: “But it’s not fair that everyone else gets to enjoy their snacks and treats and I have to eat this perfectly portioned (albeit tasty) food.”

GOD: “So, was it fair when you got to gorge on chocolate every day while everyone else was enjoying moderation.”

ME: “But I want to eat my usual junk, and I want you to miraculously erase the lbs.”

GOD: “So you’re looking better, your face is clearing up because you’re eating healthier, you have more energy because you’re eating less sugar, your clothes are fitting more comfortably, and you’re not happy with this?”

ME: “No, I love all that, I just want to be able to eat junk and not have it affect me.”

GOD: “Sorry, darlin’, that aint gonna happen.”

So I don’t like the fact that it’s not that fun, but I’m seriously at that point.  You know the point where everyone says you’re finally ready to change.  The Place where the idea of not changing is much more abhorrent than the work it takes to change.  It took me finally swallowing my pride and accepting outside help, but I’m finally there.  I am very excited about where I’m headed.  I’m looking forward to this summer like never before.  I’ve been to the place of being the fat girl, and now I can appreciate just how skinny I was before.  

I know I won’t look like a movie star when I get there.  I know I’ll still look like me, and I’ll still be a mom, and a wife, and I’ll still be homeschooling.  I know that nobody will ask me to come christen a new cruise ship.  I won’t be followed by the paparazzi, and I won’t have hot guys flocking to me.  But, I will be able to look myself in the mirror and see the effects of my self control.  

2 Peter 1: 5-9 (the message)

So don't lose a minute in building on what you've been given, complementing your basic faith with good character, spiritual understanding, self control, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, and generous love, each dimension fitting into and developing the others. With these qualities active and growing in your lives, no grass will grow under your feet, no day will pass without its reward as you mature in your experience of our Master Jesus. Without these qualities you can't see what's right before you, oblivious that your old sinful life has been wiped off the books.

This is what I want most.  More than North Carolina, or snow, or more children, or more “stuff”.

God has given me so much of what I’ve wanted.  How can I be so discontent.  I wanted beautiful children.  My children are beautiful.  I wanted more than one girl.  I have two.  I wanted a daughter with red hair.  I have one.  I even have a bonus son with red hair.  My children are wonderful.  I couldn’t ask for nicer children.  Yes, I get overwhelmed by their imaturity at times and I wish I didn’t have to deal with it.  But as for having them, I am so thankful.  

I asked for a husband who could make enough money that I wouldn’t have to struggle like my mother did.  I have that.  We are not financially independent as the world would put it, but we are not in debt, and I can buy my children nice clothes and good food without a worry.  

I didn’t ask for a husband who was a hottie.  I asked for a husband who was good looking, and kind, and loving.  I got him.  I asked for a husband who would not be overbearing.  I have him.  

I have a house that I am content with.  I have a pool in the backyard.  I prayed for a 4 bedroom 2 bath house with a pool.  That is what I have.  I even have a fireplace.  I wear nice clothes.  I can buy new ones when I feel like it.  I am not a fashion plate, so I am content wearing the knock-off from Walmart (or sometimes I splurge and get something from Target).  I am so blessed with food that I had to join a weight loss program to help me control my overindulgences.  I have beautiful furniture.  I can go to starbucks with friends when I choose (right now I can’t handle the fat content).  I don’t have to worry that I’m taking bread from my children to spend some time with my friends.  

Is my life perfect, no.  I’v had my share of hardships.  I know what it’s like to have not.  I have lived with nothing but hand-me downs in my closet.  To know that if I want something in particular, God will have to miraculously provide it because my parents are barely paying the rent.  I know what it’s like to be embarrassed by the family car.  To have to tell your friends that they can’t listen to the radio while driving around because it’s broken.  To have to kick the door while pulling on the handle in order to open the car door.  

And yet, in my lack I have experienced the love of a family.  The joy of singing accapella with my siblings in a car because there was not radio to listen to.  The joy of imagining that my carboard box was an easy-bake oven, or a doll house, or a treasure chest.  The joy of picking vegetables from my mother’s garden because it was cheaper to buy seeds than mature plants.  The joy of seeing my father milk a goat because it was impossible to buy cows milk from a store.  The joy of knowing that because I had no earthly source, I would get to experience yet another miraculous provision.  

Why can’t I remember this when I go through struggles?  Why can’t I recall the good when the bad is surrounding me.  Why can’t I retain my childish innocence and dependence on my Provider.  Jehovah-Jireh, El Shaddai.  

When I was a child I experienced horrible ear-aches whenever I got a sinus cold.  I remember laying my head on my mother’s lap on a heating pad.  I remember her stroking my hair.  She didn’t say very much.  Just her comforting hand on my head and the warmth from the heating pad helped my soul feel better.  Even if the pain remained, my sorrow was eased because I felt love.  I have experienced that kind of love from my Heavenly Papa.  Why can’t I reach out and claim it when I am in that kind of spiritual pain.  

Paul put it this way:

“I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty.”

I want this.  I want to be like this.  I want to go back to when I had this, and get it back again.  Is the blessing of God what causes my discontent?  No.  It’s like the child who knows how to manipulate her father into giving her things.  No matter how often he pacifies her, she sees it as an opportunity to get more the next time.  That is how I feel I’ve been with God.  The more He gives, the more I want the next time.  So, that is it.  I am going to start slogging my way back.  

This is my prayer:

“Thank you Lord.  That is all.  Just thank you.  Not, thank you and now I want…  No, this time it’s just thank you.  And when I receive again, I will thank you again.”

Ok, so I have to apologize… once again.  This time it’s for being depressing.  It seems like most of my blogs are about struggles.  It would seem that my life is just one depressing situation after the other.  I have to dispel that theory.  

First good news, I LOST 4 POUNDS!  So I went to my first weigh in.  I was feeling pretty bad because every time I stepped on the scale at home it said one number, and I was convinced that I hadn’t lost anything after a week and a half of strictly following the rules.  To my surprise the scale registered a full 4 lbs lighter than the first weigh in.  I was pumped.  I was giddy.  I was bouncy and happy.  I still get a grin when I think about that.  It definitely helps me stick with it to know that I got results.  

Second good news, I’m back on the worship team.  I made it through my sabbatical and now I’m back.  I’m very happy about that. They changed the stage around a bit, and I don’t have a music stand.  This is actually a good thing.  I prefer not to deal with it.  I also have a mic stand so that’s an improvement.  

I hate when I forget things.  There’s something else that I’m happy about… I’m happy about my birthday party tonight.  But that wasn’t what I was thinking about.  I’m happy that I get to go see a polo match tomorrow.  I am going to picnic on chicken salad and apples while watching athletes on horses in a very fast paced game.  

I get to go to Boston in March… did you know that the Boston Symphony has “Chamber Teas” that are only $15.00 a ticket.  Tea and pastries at 2:00 while listening to live chamber music for an hour.  The thought of it makes me want to jump out of my skin.  I really, really want to go.  I think I’m going to have to start really working with my kids on their etiquette for it.  If I don’t see anything else while I’m there, I would be happy doing that.  

I wrote this during worship last Sunday.

Blessing, Glory and Honor

Be to You oh King of Kings

Pour out Your anointing,

Like you did with your high priests

Let the oil of anointing flow

Let it flow down over our heads

Spilling out like Aarons did

Running down his face

A baptism of anointing

Let it flow down to our feet

I guess that’s all I have to say for now…

Well, Thursday (yesterday) was a stretch for me.  I wouldn’t have made it if I didn’t have half my family’s dinner already made.  I had to wolf down breakfast (which I would have skipped if I wasn’t on my diet) because I had to get the dog to the vet for a post-surgery check-up… he’s no longer a stud.  

Then, I ate my snack on the way to walmart… I just realized I forgot to get a new leash.  He chewed his old one and broke it.  My kids were complaining that I had a snack and they didn’t.  So I went into Subway and bought them each a bag of chips.  The lady at the register told me that I could have bought a big multipack of chips in the store for the same price I was paying at the little subway restaurant.  Thanks for making me feel guilty about how I spent my money.  

Then I had to eat lunch in between dropping my son off for his athletic program and heading to Costco for a shopping trip.  I had to skip the salad because I didn’t want it wilting in the car.  I decided that I’m going to log my Costco trip as my exercise for the day.  It’s 45 min to an hour of walking, lifting, and pushing.  It didn’t help that my back was out the whole time.  At some point I pulled my neck out of joint too.  

Then I went to my friend’s house where we split the produce in half.  I had to eat my snack in her driveway because I didn’t want to eat it in front of her kids.  I know she wouldn’t have minded, but I didn’t want to feel guilty when they asked where their snack was.  

Then I went home and ate carrots (in place of my salad) while sitting in front of the computer.  By this time I was going crazy for some sweets.  The last couple days I tried to slow down and enjoy what I was eating.  This day was just about choking down the food so I could keep my metabolism going.  

Then, My hubby was late coming home from work and my music teacher called and asked if I could come in early.  I had lost track of time and it was after 5:30.  I rushed to make dinner for the family.  In my rush I forgot to fix my own food.  I ended up rushing to my music lesson on a cup of Jello… there’s nothing like the bitter aftertaste of artificial sweeteners.  Mmmmm!

I would be remiss to not mention the good things that happened.  My hubby gave me a massage last night and told me how proud he was.  I still feel like I’m coming off an addiction.  I’m cranky and hyper and achey.  He helped me unwind while we watched “Say Anything.”  It was about like I thought it would be.  Typical 80’s teen movie.  John Cusack was his usual character.  He was very convincing when his heart was broken.  We kept commenting on how our friend who shall remain nameless (x skate nerd) probably sees himself as John Cusack and that’s probably why he likes all his movies.  

In the end I got a slice of cookies and cream cheesecake.  It definitely helped.  I can feel my stomach shrinking… not my abdomen, it’s still just as hard to fit into my pants.  But my stomach which was stretched out from years of over-stuffing is slowly becoming readjusted to smaller portions of food.  I have a support group and I’m supporting others in my group.  That definitely helps.  I’m such a people pleaser that it makes me try extra hard not to fail.  Today will be better… I have to head back to walmart to buy a couple things I forgot yesterday, but other than that I can relax and enjoy the day and not stuff food in my face on the run.  Next Thursday needs to be better.  Now I must check my menu to see what I’m making for my family for dinner tonight (another fringe benefit of dieting… I have to be more proactive about making dinner for the family).

So, I hate it… and I love it.  I’ve been on the plan 1 whole day.  Today is my second day.  I told my hubby that if I didn’t have these fancy pre-portioned meals to depend on I probably would have quit already.  I wanted chocolate in a bad way all day yesterday.  I kept walking by it and it kept calling to me.  “Just one m’n’m isn’t going to screw up your diet.”  

I was good and I put everything out of sight.  I opened the fridge to get my allotment of veggie sticks (my snack for the afternoon) and the first hing I saw was heath dessert bars.  It was awful.  

I waited all day to have my triple chocolate cake from the Jenny Craig diet food allotment.  It wasn’t so good.  I know I’ll acquire a taste for it.  I know that I shouldn’t expect it to taste like fresh made chocolate lava cake.  But it tasted strangely fruity.  One of these days I’m going to look back on this post and think, I love that cake, what was I thinking.  But for now, It’s a sad excuse for a chocolate cake.

I perservered though.  I went to bed without my usual chocolate for the day, and I felt jumpy and grouchy and very much like a caffeine addict coming down hard.  I know I eat way too much chocolate.  I was crying out to God to just take away the craving from me.  

I am looking at yesterday patting myself on the back for making it through.  But this strange forboding (probably some demonic voice) is telling me that in two weeks I’ll justify it and fall hard.  Part of me is saying that when I step on the scale and see that my perseverance paid off with those extra 2 lbs gone I’ll be so happy that I denied myself an instant gratification.  

The best part.  My hubby started singing to me…

“It will be worth it all

When you’re 140

Lifes trials will seem so small...”

It made me smile.  There’s nothing like a cheerleader when you really need one.

So I did it.  I took orders from Kirstie and called Jenny.  I joined a diet program on the first day of the new year.  This year is going to be different.  I’m not going to puff myself up and think I can do everything by myself.  I’m throwing myself on the mercy of a consultant.  

Here’s the catch.  My friend can’t join because it’s way too expensive, but I won’t lose weight unless she does.  Does she even know how much I’m depending on her?  I hope so.  She just better not cheat.  If she does I don’t know where our relationship will go.  

Why Jenny?  My suspicions were aroused when a hollywood star joined the program.  Sure, I thought, Kirstie is all for Jenny because she is getting paid to endorse them.  She probably has a personal trainer on the side that is keeping her in line.  She probably does the program just because she has to in order to be the spokesperson.  Heck, I’d join if I had all that incentive.

Then my friend joined.  I don’t know any other women, besides her, who are 6’4”.  It must be hard.  I don’t like people to look at me because I’m up to a size 18.  I couldn’t even imagine just being looked at because I’m head and shoulders above most average men.  It’s gotta be something God is taking care of.  But then, to be overweight on top of that.  I’m sure her thoughts were running along the lines of “why even try to look beautiful?”

But she joined.  The rest of us all sat back and watched.  She scraped by financially with this program that supposedly sucks the money out of you and gets you addicted to a program (at least that’s what I thought… c’mon be honest, you thought it too).  Then I noticed something one day at church.  Here’s the shocker, are you ready???  She lost weight.  She came in looking happy.  It wasn’t a big in your face I’m-skinny-now-and-I’m-so-happy-about-it.  It was more hidden.  You’d have to really know her to understand the difference between her I’m-smiling-because-everyone-expects-me-to smile, and this I’m-smiling-because-I-want-to smile.  She really looked good too.  She’s not at her goal weight yet, so there are still years of gain to erase.  It’s going slowly, but the important thing is, it’s working.  

Even after it was obvious that this girl was looking so much better I still hesitated.  I asked for more info.  How much did the plan she was using cost?  How much did she pay for those freezer dinners, etc?  I talked it over with hubby and he said we would take out a special chunk of savings to make me feel better about myself and to help me learn to control my eating habits.  I joined.  

Have you ever caught yourself pandering after someone's attention?  Your immediate reaction to the situation is invariably denial.  "I'm not that lame," you tell yourself!  But the more you consider you actions of past, you have to admit to yourself that you have been doing things specifically to get someone's attention.  

After denial comes the pressure to minimize the situation by saying that it's not really that big of a deal.  Everyone does this once in a while… at least you're not caught up in the mass worship of some hot Hollywood pea-brain.  (Hope I didn't step on anyone's toes there).  This person who's attention you want is just an average Joe (or Josephine).  

Well, perhaps I AM the only one who EVER has done this…

I have been told that there are 4 basic personality types, and everyone is a mixture of different levels of these 4 types.  Usually 2 are predominant and only one of them is a real "people pleaser" personality.  I just happen to be predominantly that particular type and although it is supposedly balanced by another personality type, my "balance" happened to be the only other extroverted (read in-your-face) type.  So I'm two extroverted personalities rolled into one person. 

At this point I'm expecting most people who read my blog to suddenly see a blinding light shine down upon them and to hear a heavenly voice saying, "yes, I know I've been asking myself that same question for the past 29 years…"  (question being: what was God thinking?)  

So, yes, it all makes sense now… that's why Beth does those weird things.  But, as I was saying, perhaps I AM the only one who has this particular personality balance (I use the term loosely) that panders like this.  Anyway, I digress.

So I caught myself this week doing this exact thing.  I once blogged profusely.  I felt like I would pop if I didn't get some of my thoughts out of my head and into print.  I felt like I was doing something for other women by sharing my thoughts.  I felt like I was being some kind of kindred spirit to the world of womandom.  

This week I had to look myself in the mirror and say, it was all for the attention of one person.  The trouble is, I didn't realize it until that person gave me attention.  Now I see what I was doing.  I was blogging to get comments.  

How do I know this?  Because when this person was actively reading my blogs I was blogging actively.  Then when I thought this person wasn't reading them anymore I sort of dried up.  I went for months and months without any inspiration.  I blogged a few things on homeschoolblogger.com, but it was mostly drivel.  I began posting nothing but questionnaires on myspace. 

Now that this person is back I feel a drive to create again.  I want to work words into the most beautiful pictures and I want to see smiles on this person's face and feel they have appreciated my work.  Imagine my surprise to find out that this person was reading my stuff all along.  My immediate reaction, the one that brought me to stark reality about myself, was that I had missed so many months of blogging not knowing this person was there all along.

So I've said all this as a confession.  I am through with this insane pandering.  I am going to blog because I want to blog.  I am not going to pretend to be someone I am not, nor am I going to post melodramatic drivel because I know someone will get a kick out of it.  (I will still post melodramatic drivel, I just won't do it for a particular someone's attention.)  I will blog because I want to and because I don't need someone's approval to validate my feelings.  

I guess that's all I have to say for now.

Didn’t I start another blog like this?  I think it was back in February or March when I felt like my whole world was falling apart.  

How did I get back in this hole?  How is it that you can be doing so well and then the enemy finds a ***** in your armor and seizes the opportunity to leave a gaping wound.  

I have no desire to do anything.  I know that life doesn’t revolve around our desires, but rather our decisions.  I know that my attitude is my choice and that I can choose to have a good attitude.  Well, right now I am being put to the test and my attitude sucks.  

I have this vision in my head.  Perhaps I am only drawing on what I’ve read from Rick Joyner, but it’s there, nonetheless.  There is a battle field.  There are demons on one side with Satan commanding like Sauron’s Eye in the tower.  They are nasty and mean.  They are encroaching on the battlefield looking for soldiers they can pick off that are on the front lines.  They are ever watchful

On the opposite side stand the armies of God.  The soldiers in the front have a steady eye on the movements of the enemy, but the ones in the line behind them keep trying to distract them.  They ask silly questions or point out issues that need to be dealt with back in the camp.  The front line keeps trying to shut them out, but they keep at it.  They keep at it because they don’t realize the weakness they are causing.  

The front line is the leadership.  They are not standing behind with loud blaring commands.  They are at the front trying to win the war with their fierce ability to battle.  The farther back in the lines the less interested the people are in the actual battle.  Near the rear there are some groups that are having parties.  There are other groups that are arguing over ridiculous details of warfare, but not fighting at all.  

The army is massive.  If it could only stay focused and single-minded, it would over power the enemy without much effort at all.  Every few seconds someone on the front line falls.  Either the enemy finds a weakness in their armor and drives home a deathly blow or they turn for only a moment to pay attention to those behind them and they are pounced upon and wounded.  

Humor me while I explain the second line.  These are the ones who are ready and willing to be on the front line.  They have the drive and the knowledge and the power to get to the front, but something is holding them back.  They will often change places and get on the front line, but others behind them take their place and begin to do the same things they were doing before.  Or sometimes the people on the front line will switch places back and forth from front to second and so on.  

About those who are wounded on the front line.  Sometimes they fall and are trampled underfoot and left for dead.  They are so horribly wounded after the enemy’s blow that they never return to the front line.  In fact, sometimes they are taken captive by the enemy.  

Others who fall are quickly taken to a hospital and are cared for and nurtured until they can return to their position.  They don’t often jump back to the front.  Usually they are released when they are healed and they immediately start working their way to the front.  They are able to get back to the front easier than before because they know more about how to get there.  They have previous experience, and sometimes they have ranking insignias that cause people to move out of their way.  Regardless, they are driven by sheer will to get back to the front.  

Still others feel that they have no hospital to go to, and so they retreat to their tent and nurse themselves back to health.  This takes much longer than going to a hospital.

Sometimes when they fall they pick themselves up and continue to battle, not ready to admit they are wounded.  If they do this they are easily wounded again because the enemy has already found a weakness.  Eventually they drop back in the lines a bit and when they are healed they return to the front.  

Sometimes the enemy only gets a little jab at them.  Then when they are scratched they fly into a powerful rage and are able to destroy even more.  Sometimes when they are scratched they think it’s much more than it is and they willingly back out of line and move back to get healthy again.  

So that is my vision.  

Then I see myself in the vision.  

I used to be one of the soldiers in the back arguing about the art of warfare.  I defended my position vehemently, but did nothing to thwart the enemy’s plans.  

The first time I finally got to the front I was trampled underfoot and almost captured, but when I realized what was happening I did everything in my power to break free and purposed to not let that happen again.  

Now I am constantly trying to be at the front.  I know that the enemy is there and I know that I am in a battle.  I see someone behind me distract me.  I don’t think they realize what they are doing.  Sometimes they stop the distraction and when they do they are able to move to the front line.  Sometimes I get tired of their distraction and I move back to the second line with them.  Then I have to fight to get back to the front.  Sometimes I am the one in the second line distracting them.  

Sometimes I am scratched and I over-react and I can’t understand why no one at the hospital will take time to attend to me.  Sometimes I fly into a rage and I’m able to take out many more of the enemy’s minions.  

This time I am wounded and in the hospital.  I know that if I pretend I am not wounded the only thing it will do is puff me up with pride at my ability to recover and I will be more wounded than ever.  I don’t like being in the hospital and I will try everything in my power to get back to the front.  The only problem is, I have to take the advice of the doctors in order to get back to the front and I don’t like their advice.  I want to be back in the battle, but I want to be healthy when I get there.  

I have confidence that when I am released that I will have mark of rank that will speed my return to the front line.  

I was so excited yesterday.  My son checked the mailbox and there were two letters from gymboree. 

My heart skipped a beat as I realized what they were.  I had almost forgotten that it was November (for those of you who don't realize... November is rewards month for Gymboree Visa card holders). 

Skip this next part if you already have a gymboree card, or I've already explained this to you.

=======================================================

So let me back up a bit and add some information.  Last November (05) we got two giftcards from Gymboree.  During 05 we installed a new kitchen and financed part of the kitchen through the visa.  We don't carry a balance on the visa.  We pay it off every month and we don't charge anything that we won't be able to pay off.  The Gymboree visa rewards program gives 1% cash back on all purchases in the form of a gymboree gift card.  We already had finances set aside to pay for the kitchen, but decided to funnel the money through the visa to get the rewards points.  The gift cards have a $500 dollar limit, so we were able to charge enough last year to get a bit more than $500s back at the end of the year, thus the reason for getting two envelopes and two gift cards. 

=======================================================

So this year something different happened.  In March God spoke to me about my habit of overspending.  I was digging myself into a hole financiall, and putting pressure on the rest of the family because of my own discontent.  God told me that if I would stop shooting myself in the foot He would prove to me that He cares about my desires, and would reward me for my diligence just as he has promised to reward those who are good stewards of their posessions.  I took Him at His word and decided that I wasn't going to overspend anymore. 

Since that time I have had to fight my impluse buying habit that I had built up.  I have had to realize that I need to keep track of every penny I spend.  I have been shown (to my embarrassment) my own manipulation and passive-agressive behavoirs where money is concerned.  It has hit home more than once what the phrase "your treasure is where your heart is" means.  Through all this I have kept the promise in my heart that I would be rewarded for my faithfulness. 

During this time I have almost completely cut the use of my visa card.  I have gone to using cash almost completely.  I knew when I did this that my reward card in November would be much smaller since we weren't planning any home improvement projects for this year. 

So, with all that said.... I am now holding two Gymboree cards one worth $500 and I'm absolutely flabbergasted at it.  I can't for the life of me figure out how we spent enough money to get that much back this year.  All I can think is that it is a miracle.  I think this is one of the ways that God is fulfilling His promise to me. 

Thank you Lord.  I can't wait to see what else is coming as I remain faithful in my finances. 

Ok, so last night I was in the worst pain ever in my entire life.  I will spare you the details of what caused the pain. 

I spent 2 hours in the ER because my Dr told me to go.  This morning I am taking antibiotics and 2 different pain medications.  I will be so glad when this is over. 

I just can't help but think that yesterday morning I was so happy and giddy, and I was thanking God for the beautiful weather.  Now I don't even want to get up to open the window. 

Why does life always stack up like this.  I have so much to do this weekend.  I can't be sick in bed.  At least I'm not contagious.  I would hate to have to cancel my first booking as a caterer the day before the party. 

I suppose the worst case scenario would be to tell the client that they can come get all the food I bought for them and they can fix it all themselves for tomorrow.  Maybe then they wouldn't complain about the price I set.  I'm going to have to call publix and order some custom cookies because there's no way I can bake them and decorate them myself. 

At least my friend is coming over to help... ok, so she is my partner in this business so she kinda has to... but I'm still thankful that she can.  I'm glad I'm the one going through it because I would hate for her to have to deal with all this pain.  She's gone through too much already in life. 

I was thinking while I was sitting in the ER (I know, shocking, right) about how pain makes people so selfish.  Everybody in the ER probably thought that their pain entitled them to move to the head of the line.  I almost wished that I could pass out or something so that my case could be moved to the front of the line.  I kept thinking about how there are probably a lot of people there who don't really need emergency care, and that they should all leave so that "I" could be taken care of.  Then God reminded me that everyone in the room probably felt that way. 

So I am glad it wasn't what we all thought it was, but I don't relish the thought of ever having to go through this again.  I was bawling my eyes out at one point and that is so out of character for me.  I usually just suck it up and try to look dignified. 

I missed worship practice, I will probable stay home from church tonight.  I have to call my friend and let them know cause they were going to bring the napkins for the party tomorrow.  I am so glad it doesn't start till 1:00.

I'm done venting... maybe now I'll be able to cheer up.  God, Please don't let any of my friends go through what I did last night... even though it ended up being something simple.  I don't wish that type of pain on anyone.

It’s 63 degrees this morning.  So WHY AM I BLOGGING instead of going outside to enjoy the weather.  It’s because I wanted to document this moment.  This is the kind of weather that makes me absolutely giddy.  It causes this huge smile to spread across my face that I can’t wipe off.  Even if the kids are going crazy (which they aren’t right now) it’s days like this that make me love my life.  

Of course, I wouldn’t want it to be like this always.  My nature is to love change.  It would be nicest if I could have about 3 months of this and then move on to 3 months of a deeper cold… like 42 degrees or even as low as 30 with enough snow to make a snowman.  Then have another 3 months of drizzly weather with lots of green things sprouting around me and new life after all the browns and whites and greys of the 3 months of cold.  Then maybe 3 months of heat.  Temps in the 80s and 90s.  Hot enough to go swimming and get a tan.  Wouldn’t that be so nice.  If only it were possible.

Oh wait!!!! There is something like that already.  They’re called the 4 seasons.  I’d almost forgotten about them.  You see, I live in South Florida.  Here everthing is ALWAYS green.  People have to rake leaves in the spring here because it doesn’t get cold enough in the fall to make them fall… then the leaves have to shed sometime and by spring they just can’t hold on anymore.  It’s sickening hot for 9 months and then cool and breezy for 3… but only for a few days at a time with a day of blazing hot weather in between.  

The only time we see anything brown is when it hasn’t rained in a while.  Then every fourth blade of grass starts to pale and wither.  The overall effect is still green, but if you look close you could say that the grass is dying.  There are also a few brown thing here and there when the palm fronds die and fall off the trees.  

But, I didn’t want to get bogged down in pessimism.  I’m just glad it’s cool today.  It’s the perfect day for getting outside and loving nature.  I better go get my girls dressed and then we can all go outside and just soak in the cool air.  Who knows when we’ll get another chance like this.