On any given normal day, (how many normal days do you think we have) I enjoy my children. Really I do. They are blessings and I see them as such. It’s not their fault that they have a neurotic Mama who insists they each be military clean before we go out the door anywhere. I’m certain any of you with more than the 2.3 children know the stares you get as you parade through any public place. I make certain my little ones are shiny and clean and dressed in hole and stain free clothing. I insist on good behavior and well mannered ,clean children in public. OK they are dirty little buggers on our little farm. Still in public I like to think, or rather my pride likes to think they look well groomed and cared for.

This is my mindset as we go out in to the community. “OK stare if you want, but we are all clean and smiling and well SO THERE!” (Quite the godly Christian attitude eh?)Yesterday we ventured in to the big city again. None of us likes the big city, too much of everything. We like our woods and our farm. Off we went to get all the supplies needed for my 4yr olds birthday party. They all piled in the car. I know I washed some faces and oversaw a few teeth being brushed. Got after two 9 year old boys about wearing clean shirts. I saw one had changed. My mind must have shut down at this point. It must have, I’m really looking for viable excuses.

Meandering through the Party Supply store I noticed my 4yo face was full of that “I just ate breakfast” crumby look. OH UGH I never washed HIS face! SIGH. My 19mo old smelled funky! Just funky! The longer we were in the store I began to notice certain things. My7yo was getting goofier by the minute. He is a Fetal Alcohol child and the Party Store was more than his sensory needy body and brain could handle. My strapping, handsome, 9yo, Alpha Male twin was wearing the same green shirt he had worn all weekend. Deep embarrassment here. OK, I’ll pay for this stuff and get out of here. While I was paying Steven(7yo) was popping wheelies with the cart containing the 2 and 4yo’s. They were either squealing with delight or terror. At this point it is all a blur. I promptly found a spot to place him where he began to earnestly pick his nose. ( I will find this all very funny someday, today is not someday). The girl behind the counter gave us one of those. ‘OH ugh I’m so glad I’m childless’ looks. I skulked out of the Party Store.

Before I could dwell on THAT humiliation I found myself in Walmart looking for Birthday Presents for the Birthday Boy and a plastic wading pool for the 1 billion baby chicks that are arriving next tues.

Let me stop here to mention sometimes I understand so clearly why people say I am a glutton for punishment!

So there we all were in Walmart. 1 plump middle aged Mama and 8 less than shiny and clean precious children. After much wrangling and bargaining presents were purchased amid toddler/baby grabbing things off the shelf. All the children walking abreast of me not behind me. We were like a Revolutionary Army Battalion coming down Wal-Mart’s aisle. I kept telling the children “Get behind me” Get behind me” I think at one point it slipped out as “GET THEE BEHIND ME!” All things purchased, including wading pool . Off I skulked again into the parking lot. Now I was so humiliated at how grubby my kids looked and how terribly they behaved that I never even thought that maybe, just maaaybe that stinkin’ pool would not fit in my van.

I’m certain it was quite entertaining to watch my ample rear end sticking out of the back of our 15 passenger van while I yelled, PULL PULL! As if some poor unfortunate soul had the job of getting ME in the van! I will find this funny someday RIGHT?

As if that was not enough to vanquish my Pride in clean well mannered children we had to stop at Costco. By this time the birthday boy had lost his charm and was downright crabby. The 19mo old had green goo running out of his nose (this is where I realized I had no Kleenex) and the 2 yo looked like he would pay me to let him take a nap. We picked up the cake and other things. I just wanted to RUN out of there.

Standing in the checkout line, the twins are in the men’s room, and a lovely lady starts talking to the littlest with the gooey stuff coming out of his nose and some Costco sample crumbs on his cute little face. She of course is older, immaculately groomed and looking at me like “OH ick, those poor poor children, she neglects them so.” The gooey nose guy looked at her, and her oohing and ahhing over him, with the death stare. You know the “You’re not my Mama so do not EVEN touch me.” Birthday Boy was claiming he hated birthdays and today was NOT his birthday. Fortunately the checker found it all amusing and told him what beautiful green eyes you have, He replied with “You’re a stinker!” Where is that hole I can crawl in to? It has to be here somewhere. Lord isn’t this where you come to get your people? Isn’t it about time for the whole rapture thing? As I was writing the check I told my 7yo to go over to the men’s room and get the twins. The poor lady behind me loudly said. “OH MY GO* YOU HAVE TWINS TOO!”

Yes, I sure do! That’s them over there. The one in the beyond filthy green shirt burping the alphabet and the other one chewing a hole in his sweatshirt, at least its clean. Those are my boys. I am so proud!

I did get home. My pride was left somewhere between the Party Store and Costco. Likely it is in the parking lot at Walmart. If you see it, do not send it back. I’m doing fine without it!