Posted in Gods Work

I am so ashamed.  Head hanging between the legs ashamed.   I have often thought of posts to write over the last couple of weeks, but other things got in the way.  For one thing, we began school, and that takes up much of my time.  For another, I had puter problems which prevented me from being here.  I could go on.  Please forgive the absence, it is only following God's will in my life that keeps me away. 

There has been much going on between God and I.  Those ugly these I mentioned a few posts back.  Boy He is letting up.  There is one thing in particular that I have had trouble with since birth.  My parents lead their lives with their emotions and have very low self esteem, and thus I was trained to follow their principles for living.  As a growing Christian, I have been working on God's principles to transform myself into Christ's image.  There are days when I feel I am still being spoon fed and others when I look at how much He has done with me.  But there is this one issue.  It's confrontation, specifically with my parents.

I learned very early that my parents opinions and thoughts are THE right ones, and trying to present something different or talk about others views, is simply out of the question.  Not only that, but presenting something they disagree with or don't understand, or have no knowledge of, they sling belittling comments to bash you down.  SO, I learned to assimilate.  I learned to keep my mouth shut, no matter what.  Very simple, really.  Except, I have never dealt with the issues.  God has put his in path again and again.  Each time I run faster, away from having to deal with it.  Over the weekend a talk with my oldest brought to my attention that I have trained him to deal with my parents in the same way AND that my dad has said so many condescending things, that my son is flat angry and not wanting to be around him at all. 

This was a wake up call.  I can't run forever, and it's not what God wants.  I must take this opportunity to help my son grow through this, but we will be doing it together.  You see I have been very paniceked by an upcoming situation.  My father has decided to throw my mom a surprise bday party and one of the surprises is that he is having my brother fly in, without her knowledge.  I have felt almost suffocated by the thought of having to spend an afternoon with my brother (who is my parents personified) after he flies in but before the party.  He will be here at my house, then will be staying through sunday.  He will be staying with my parents from that point, but my dad wants us to hang together.  My brother doesn't visit very often. 

So God has put another opportunity for me to allow Him to work through me, using His principles, to grow me up.  Right now I am saying, "I don't want to Lord.  I am afraid.  I don't want to work on it at all.  But I know its a huge problem."  This morning I focused my prayers on asking God to handle this situation, by giving me the right words at the right times, and keeping me calm.  I have asked that He allows me to not take things personal when the belittling slurs fly.  However, I am also asking Him to ready me to confront in His way, when needed.  To take my fear away. 

I am so scared!  In all my life, trials, tribulations, I have never had a hurdle as big as this, or as deep seeded.  But here I go.................

These are my thoughts.