Posted in Gods Work

Well, I haven't blogged about our goings on in a while.  But I have much to report.  Some positive, some not so much, but all God's plan. 

Last night at Bible Study we were discussing whether or not God experiences any negative emotions.  Feelings such as frustration, exasperation, anger, envy, desire, sadness, jealousy were all tossed about as we ripped through scripture.  Ironically, I kept wondering to myself internally, how I would react if we lose the farm and is grieving an appropriate reaction.

AS the hubby and I have been talking, our talks have turned more towards what do we do when we lose the deal.  We both know we have done everything we can.  Only God can sell this house and make everything fall in place if it is His will.  While I am still anxious just to get to the finish line and know yay or nay, I seem to be at peace.  I was feeling a lot of anguish the day before yesterday and then yesterday morning.  I prayed for peace and for Him to just lift this burden from my mind.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, a friend had been praying for me personally regarding this situation, while also praying for His will for our family.  About mid day I found a moment when I knew I was at peace. 

One thing I have mentioned hear many times through this process is that part of the process is for me to learn patience, which will further strengthen my faith, which in turn will grow me up some more, bringin  me closer to God.  As I have chronicled here in hte past, I haven't been exactly patient.  Anxiousness is always on my heels, gnawing at me.  Waiting for the fall, so as to devour me.  However impatient I have been, I have kept myself praying for God to help me, to remove the anxiety from my heart and mind.  In honesty, He has always answered.  When the next occurence strikes, I try so hard to deal with it, and end up calling out to Him...again.  So I kept feeling like a failure.  Then the hubby told me about a discussion he had with our Pastor last night.

He had told me that he was discussing feelings of confusion about how to move forward if we lose the farm.  He also brought up that he is very confused and torn about why God would place this dream before us, allow us the opportunity to visit and fall in love with the farm, allow us to over come the hurdles of getting the place under contract, spend all of our savings prepping our home for sale & a recruiter, and listing it, only to pull the rug out from under our feet, so tot speak.  Pastor had replied that perhaps part of His plan was to do these things in preparation for something else.  If we try to "force" this farm deal to transpire, by severely undercutting our home sale price (we are already priced under market) we might ruin whatever His ultimate plan is for us.  I had never thought of another alternative to this farm or this contract. 

While I am still struggling with all of the things the hubby mentioned above, I am not without hope.  I am praying for God to help me accept His will, whatever it may  be.  Sometimes, it creeps into my mind that the sellers have said time and again that they accepted our offer because God lead them to believe we were the family for the farm.  That puts a whole new spin on things, but also adds another opportunity for me to over analyze what I don't have anyway of getting the facts about.  Life isn't always about the facts. 

Now, another issue I have been struggling with is the idea of how I am to act if the deal falls through.  I want to act appropriately.  I want to please God and do what it is that He wants me to do. So, I have been praying for that.  We have 9 days left before our contract runs out.  If still we haven't had a showing (at that point we will have been on the market for 8 weeks) the sellers will either end the contract or extend with an added contingency that they will be actively seeking a buyer giving us first right of refusal.

That said, I am pushing forward with packing.  I beleive in God.  God knows that once the contract runs out, we are flat broke.  We spent every penny on making this happen. So if the car were to breakdown, it would have to sit unrepaired.  If someone needs a cavity filled, it would have to wait.  Dr's visits would be a luxury.  Buying anything that is not an absolute necessity also a luxury.  If we cannot get the books we need for our schooling (we are using CM) from the library or free online, we will have to skip those secctions for now.  You get the idea.  That all said, our focus will then need to be, what does God want us to do now?  Do we keep our home on the market and wait for a contract to look for our new hometown or do we pull out of the market and suck up the financial losses and shrug oh well?  While we don't have that answer presently, I will be praying that God will clearly impart His will on the hubby's heart.  We have both surrendered our lives and our family to Him and His will.  We just need to know what that is.

Another tie in to this, is the email I received from the friend who had been praying.  When I read the email, I quickly responded that her prayers had been answered, and that I had gotten the peace.  A note of many thanks I added, too!

Am I cured of patience?  NOPE.  As I sit here writing this entry, my stomach is all butterflies and my mind keeps wandering to the thought that I just want to know the end result of this farm dream.  If it isn't to be, I just want to know it.  If it is, well I'd like to know that, too.  I just want to begin to deal with whatever the answer is.  Isn't that where the patience comes in?  tee hee!  The difference is, that I am now cognisent of the feeling.  When it starts to well up, as it is right now, I pray that God take it away from my mind and heart, because I can't handle it alone, and that's ok.  There will never be anything I do, think, accomplish, fail, etc without Him.  It will never be me, but always be Him.  In everything.  The glory will always be Him.  I am merely a conduit of His works.  Lesson learned:  I can do nothing without Him. 

Now, I must leave to pray these butterflies out of my tummy.  =)  Although they come less frequently, I wonder if God sighs each time I call His name and says, "I coming, I coming." 

<><