• Aug. 29, 2006
Update on my dr appt yesterday!
You may not believe it, but ONCE AGAIN, my dr's appointment yesterday was a complete non-event! WOO HOO, praise the Lord for His faithfulness!
I had prayed so much before I went, really all afternoon on Sunday, and all morning Monday as I prepared to go. I really just want my faith and my choices and my walk to be a testimony to Dr. G. She is definitely not a Christian, and she is obviously not happy, and she really needs Jesus in her life!
Normally, though, because she is such a strong personality, I become emotional when talking to her, because she intimidates me often! She was in the Air Force for more than 20 years, and she is a tough cookie! Very opinionated, one could say. ;) I often leave in tears!
I felt peace on Monday, though. I wasn't sure what to expect from her. When we arrived (I took my mom and all four children, to see the sonogram), it was pouring rain---YAY!!! Hadn't done THAT in Dallas in a long while, and it rained most of the day, delightfully! ....but we left the diaper bag in the van, and ended up waiting in the dr's office for the sonogram for over 45 minutes, with no snacks, no juice cups, no crayons, no wipes, etc etc. (Thank goodness we never needed the diapers, haha!).
The children actually did pretty well, playing "I Spy" and entertaining everyone else in the waiting room--at one point, 2 other ladies were actually guessing the objects in the game along with the children, haha!
The sonogram was great, meaning the baby is doing fantastic, but there wasn't much to see since I am now 39 weeks, and baby was pretty tightly curled up! Size was great (prob around 8 lbs), baby is head down, fluid level was great, etc etc. Baby got a good grade! ;)
So, then I went back to wait on Dr. G. She came in and greeted me, and measured me, and asked the usual checkup questions. She never once mentioned c section, never once asked to do a cervical check (she probably noticed that I had refused the past 2 weeks at my visits), and neither one of us mentioned that Elephant on the table, HA! She then said, "Do you have any questions for me?". I said, 'no', and she said, "Okay, well I'll see you next week, unless you have a baby before then!". I told her I hoped that was the case! She did come out to the waiting room with me to meet my children.
WHEW!!! What a relief !!! I could hardly believe it was so easy. Thank you Lord! and thank you soooo much for all your prayers, dear friends! I know it is helping, and I really feel convinced that this upcoming birth will be a spiritual victory for Him. I know it will minister to many! Thanks for standing with us!
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• Aug. 27, 2006
On Pins and Needles!!!
Well, tomorrow is Monday, and while I have never been one to dread that particular day of the week, even with all it's undeserved reputation as a 'bad day', I am NOT particularly looking forward to THIS Monday!
See, Mondays are now the day that all my weekly OB appointments are falling on. I am 39 weeks pregnant for the 4th time (with my 5th child---got twins the first time!), and have had 3 previous c sections. My husband and I firmly believe the Lord has lead us, after MUCH prayer and research, to labor at home, and hopefully even deliver our child at home. We do have a wonderful, capable OB/GYN, and we have also hired a midwife. My OB, bless her heart, really wanted to do a c section at 38 weeks, which would have been last week. She, being medically educated and "brainwashed" by our cultural dependence on interventions and obstetric theatrics, does NOT think I am a good candidate for VBAC.
Soooooo, you see why I am not that excited about my appointment tomorrow! I do have a sonogram before I see the dr, and I always enjoy THAT, because it is so fun to see the little babe in there, and at this point especially, anticipate HOLDING it on the outside!! I am taking all the already-born siblings to see the sonogram, and my mom is coming along, too. I am hoping that their presence will "lighten the atmosphere" for the good Dr. G, and she won't give me the high pressure, YIKES!
I will definitely update tomorrow and see how the Lord helps me avoid the lecture THIS time! ;) ....and for anyone who missed the previous entry, I forgot to notify that I had posted something new before this one! Til tomorrow.
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• Aug. 27, 2006
"If at first you don't succeed...."
"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit: apart from me you can do nothing." ---John 15: 5
I have really had this verse on my mind this week. It all sprang from a very brief conversation with a dear family member, L, who was sharing something completely DIFFERENT that the Lord has been showing him lately in John 15. Somehow, that tiny phrase just LEAPT out at me---"apart from me you can do nothing!".
WOW! There is freedom in that verse for me. I have spent YEARS of my life trying to do 'something', when the God of the Universe in the Person of Jesus Christ has already TOLD me that without Him, I CAN DO NOTHING ! So, what kind of idiot am I to continue TRYING in my own strength??? Man, the depth of my own stupidity and blindness continues to amaze me!
I've heard it said that the very definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing, and expect different results. I guess that is pretty much what I have been doing! I have been spinning my wheels, running my self-righteous mouth, reading lots of great materials, and NOT 'abiding in the Vine'. OUCH! OUCH, ouch, ouch.....
It's almost as if my mantra has been, "If at first you don't succeed, keep trying desperately in your own strength until you fall down dead of exhaustion, even though NOTHING in your life will be any different!!". ....and not only that, but I expend the same amount of energy trying to change EVERYBODY ELSE, too....oh Jesus, help me!
I really want to abide in the Vine. The condition in our home is absolutely horrible. There is not one shred of peace or joy here, I am embarrassed and pained to admit. There IS, however, an awful lot of criticism, judgment, and harsh words, from the adults all the way down to the mouthy small people! This is NOT what I want for my children, and it is NOT what I want for ME, either. No more of this generational perpetuation of hypocrisy, YUCK! It stops right here.
This is the kind of love I want to show in my home: "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my JOY may be in you and your JOY may be complete!". (John 15: 9-11).
Sounds like a sure thing, doesn't it?? Just do what The Man said, and you will have JOY!!!! I want a piece of that, for certain. I could use a little more JOY, and a lot less striving, WHEW! I'm exhausted.
....in fact, I think I need a nap...!
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• Aug. 21, 2006
Another narrow escape! Yay God!
If you've been reading my other blog entries, you remember that last Monday I frantically got everyone up and dressed and ready and out the door to go to the OB office to see a sonogram of their newest sibling---only to realize that poor preggo-brained Mommy had gotten the times mixed up, and we were four hours early for our appointment! Therefore, we had to reschedule for next week.
My biggest joy in that frustrating situation was the fact that I did NOT have to see the dr and get the usual "please hurry up and come to your senses and schedule your c-section" lecture that the good dr. always has ready for me. (I love my dr, she is a GREAT obstetrician, but that's just it! She is a trained surgeon, and that's what she knows!!). The Lord mercifully spared me!
In fact, I hadn't seem the good Dr. G for 3-4 weeks, so this morning I was an emotional wreck as I prepared for my visit. I KNEW the pressure would begin for real today, as she desires to do the surgery at 38 weeks, which is exactly what I am now!! So, I was impatient with my family and crabby with my husband as I prepared to leave (even though I had to wake him up to control the chaos so I could take a shower---didn't get it done before the troops awakened, and he is working nights this week, and should have been sleeping all day! He kindly got up for 30 min for me, yikes!).
When I arrived, the nurse took me back to the scales (every pregnant woman's FAVORITE part of the visit, HA!), and said, "Did they tell you that Dr. G is not here??". I was taken aback, thinking I had again wasted a trip downtown, and she continued, "Yes, you'll be seeing the nurse practitioner, if that's okay!".
OKAY?!!!! Glory!!! Hallelujah! I somehow escaped the lecture AGAIN!!! :) So, I cheerfully tinkled in a cup and let them weigh me, and got my GBS test done, which they were also ansy about (I've never tested positive)---and I was on my way within 15 minutes!!!
I got in my van and sighed very deeply. WHY am I always so surprised when the Lord shows me over and over and over and over and over how FAITHFUL He is, how FOR ME He is, how anxious He is to prove He is concerned about every little thing in my life??? HOW can I so easily forget that???
I Peter 5:7 says, "Casting ALL your cares upon Him, for HE CARES FOR YOU". Thank you, Lord, for your tender mercies, and your gentle patience, and your interest in all things in my life.
......Now, if I could just get this baby to be born before NEXT Monday's appointment! :)
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• Aug. 16, 2006
TIIIIIMMMMMMBER! Watch out for falling logs!
When I was much, much younger, both in years AND in experience ;), I graduated from Bible college and thought I knew a lot! I left Texas and went to Germany; the college I had attended had a satellite school there, and the American director and his wife had three children. I homeschooled their children for two years. It was a great adventure for me! My slogan upon embarking on that adventure was 'Grace for growth, and strength for stretching!"...... I look back on those years now and laugh at my own blissful ignorance----taking off on a plane, all by myself, to live in a European country for two years, working only half days and spending the rest of the time backpacking and traveling around sightseeing?!!! THAT was stretching to my faith?!!! HA!
Now, as I navigate myself and my four (soon to be five!) children through the daily battles of laundry, homeschooling (a totally different ballgame when you are teaching YOUR OWN children!!), discipling (Mommy AND the children!), being faithful in prayer and devotion, training and disciplining these small individuals, keeping up with the household budget and maintenance, gestating every other year or so, trying to be the World's Best Wife for my great man, and the in-general Proverbs 31 woman in the flesh, I snicker and snort as I consider how naiive and innocent I was back then as I considered the "challenges" to my faith as a single person!!
I've been thinking a lot about grace, though, in the last few years, even without realizing it consciously. I want to be a gracious person! I want to remembered as a "Triple=G" lady---a genteel, gracious and Godly southern woman! As I grew up in Virginia (definitely a state full of gracious southern charm!), we had some very dear family friends, a bit older than my parents, who really took my recently-saved family under their wing, so to speak. They were/are the epitome of graciousness, and she is still the first thing that the very word 'gracious' brings to my mind. Now that I am an adult, a wife, and a mother, I want to be like her 'when I grow up' (at what age exactly can I consider myself 'grown up'?? Someone please answer THAT! ha).
I want to be like her, because she is definitely like HIM! I see Jesus all over this woman, from her countenance, to her gentle voice (I have never in 30 years of knowing them heard her raise her voice, even when her sons were young!), to the way she lives her life and exhibits her faith in God. That is what I want to be said about me---"she sure acts like Jesus!".
But I am realizing more every day that *I* do not extend much grace to my family! I am seeing and recognizing the horrible spirit of perfectionism that has infiltrated my family line, sneaking its way heinously down through the generations of women who have gone before me. It's ugly! It's horrible! It is NOT the legacy I want to hand off to my children!
I have to stop expecting them to change, to be perfect children, to respond 'the way they are supposed to' the first time, every time. Don't misunderstand; they need to obey, they need to have the right attitude, they need to be respectful---but SO DO I!!!! I expect a lot more from them than I offer to my Heavenly Father when He speaks to me. I need to SHOW them by my example the grace that my Father the Lord extends to me DAILY as He overlooks MY disrespect to Him as I live my life as if I don't need His help---wow, if I ever got what i deserved just for ONE DAY, I would be in BIG trouble, yikes!!!!.....and my poor hubby, HOW has he survived under the weight of the expectations I place on him?? No wonder I haven't "noticed" the ugliness of my own lack of grace to them all----I can't get near the mirror because there's this BIG LOG in my eye!
Soooo, I have decided that beginning today, I want to be gracious. Lord, PLEASE make me gentle, and gracious! Give me GRACE so that mercy will triumph over judgment in my life, in my home, in my family.....I want my voice to communicate love, forgiveness, gentleness, and sweetness to those I love. I want to enjoy living with these amazing people God has planted in my life, and see the changes that are gonna happen in all of us! I have a lot of ground to regain.
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• Aug. 15, 2006
WHAT was God thinking??!!
Deuteronomy 6: 4-9, 25
" 4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.
5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.
7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.
9 Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.
....25 And if we are careful to obey all this law before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness."
Do you ever just look at your children, and your house, and the piles of laundry, and the endless errands and chores, and the brand new, enticing schoolbooks awaiting this year---and then look in the MIRROR and wonder "WHAT in the world was God thinking??!!!! *I* can't do this!!".
I think about that every day. Daily I think I am no good at this role, no good as a mommy, no good as a wife----heck, I often think I am a lousy daughter of God, which makes me a lousy Christian! I fail daily, miserably---fail God, fail my husband, fail my children, fail myself........
....but ONE thing I just keep on doing WITHOUT FAIL----just do the Next Thing. Today has been a pretty awful day, a day full of bickering, strife, sass, disobedience.....several times I have fleetingly thought, "WHERE could I go to just escape for a few minutes??? ...and WHO would come here and stay with these hooligans??".....but in my frustration, in my hugely pregnant, hormonal, emotional, and tense state of mind, I recognize that somehow HE thinks I CAN do this. Not because Tanya is anybody special, not because I am brilliant or wise or even (definitely not!) very patient, but because I am HIS and this is where He has called me.
"My" righteousness is as filthy rags, but my OBEDIENCE to Him is righteousness. I don't need to BE righteous, that last verse of Deut. chapter 6 says all I have to do is obey. Sometimes that is the hardest thing to do! Today, I don't feel like doing it! I feel like throwing a tantrum with all the under-9-yrs-old crowd that live here! ....but somehow, I didn't. My heart WANTS to obey Him. I want to be that daily, everywhere, at all times example of His righteousness to these small people who are watching my every move, listening to every tone, and gauging every reaction I make. OUCH!
Soooo, in light of today, all bets are off. I am just going to obey the best I can, and do the Next Thing. If the list of tasks on the fridge is accomplished before the baby arrives, Great! If the new schoolbooks get opened in the next week or two, that's Wonderful!....otherwise, if anybody needs me, I will be here putting out whatever fire is currently raging (or sparking, or smoldering!), and just doing the Next Thing.
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• Aug. 14, 2006
....and then there are those HORMONES! yikes!
Okay, so I know I'm not the ONLY woman to ever suffer from pregnancy-induced (I hate using that word in the same sentence with 'pregnancy'!) idiocy, but this morning I just wanted to SCREAM at myself. I maintained my calm, as I had my 4 littles AND my mother with me, and no one usually looks kindly on people who throw hissy-fits in the doctor's office, ha!
I had a routine sonogram scheduled this morning, followed by my regular weekly OB appointment. I hadn't seen my OB, the good Dr. G, in several weeks, because I *just* began my weeklies (37 weeks this week, woohoo!), and last visit I saw her partner. I was actually DREADING the whole appointment. I always LOVE to see the sonograms, but we like to be surprised about our babies' genders, and my mom was coming along, and she always makes a BIG deal trying to get me to change my mind while we are there----or several times she has actually suggested that we let the sono tech tell HER what the sex is, and she will just not tell anyone!!!!!! (AS IF, Mom dear!).
I was also thinking it would be stressful for several other reasons: all 4 precious-but-excitable-already-born offspring were also coming with us, to see the new sibling in utero. I knew, too, that the dr. would be starting in on me with the whole "You-really-need-to-just-schedule-the-c section" lecture, and I get pretty intimidated by her, even with all of my research and the armada of knowledge I have used to arm myself against her persuasive and NEGATIVE arguments!!! (For those of you who may be new to my blog and my life, I have had 3 c sections, and we are following the Lord's leading on a path to a wonderful, successful VBA3Cs with our upcoming birth. Not something we are taking lightly, we have definitely done the homework! We have hired a highly-experienced midwife who will labor with us at home. We had originally planned to go on to the hospital to deliver, departing once I reach about 8 cm.....but we have since felt lead of the Lord that if all is progressing normally and well, we will just STAY HOME and have a baby!! Shhhhh! Don't tell Dr. G! We're holding onto her to placate her ;) heehee). Plus I was also scheduled for a lovely GBS test swab today, and I knew the dr. planned to do a cervical check, which *I* planned to refuse! (WHY do they wanna check my dilation when they wanna cut me open anyhow??!!).
At any rate, I was greatly distressed to be informed upon my arrival at the dr's office----after the usual hubbub of getting all of us out the door looking halfway decent (and taking longer than normal because I suddenly realized I hadn't shaved in over a week, and I was gonna be SEEN, for goodness sake, so I had to do the "full service" shower, instead of the quick rinse-off, haha!)---that my appointment was not for TEN-fifteen this morning, but was for TWO-fifteen this afternoon!!!! AARRGGHHHH!!!!! All I could think about was my precious-as-gold-$3/gal-gas that I had wasted driving downtown to the appointment! Ouch!!!
After I calmed everyone's disappointment (and mild irritation, in the case of the Mom figure!), I recognized on the way home that just MAYBE the Lord was answering my prayers. I had been praying since yesterday for GRACE to get through the c-section lecture with Dr. G this morning, and I was truly dreading it---so much so that I was in tears at 4 am with hubby as he was leaving for work. WHY then am I often soooo slow to recognize His salvation when it comes in neatly-wrapped opportunities for growth?? One week's doctor lecture, side-stepped!!! Whew, THANKS, Lord!
.....now if I could just do something about these crazy hormones!!!! :)
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• Aug. 12, 2006
Blogging, Take 2!!!
Okay, so I FINALLY caved in last night and started a blog. Just call me the "Accidental Blogger"----I had merely wanted to post a comment on my friend C's blog, but OF COURSE in order to do THAT, I had to create a profile....before I knew what I had done, I am a blogger! Woo hoo!
My hubby and several friends have been trying to get me to blog for awhile now....I LOVE LOVE LOVE to write, and always wanted to be a journalist, before I realized my True Calling (wife and mommy!). I have put my pen away for years, and now it has been replaced with a keyboard! (We'll see how I like THAT!). I delayed creating a blog because I was afraid it might consume me----I guess I already felt I wasted enough time on the computer after the children are in bed!
WAIT A MINUTE! Did I just say 'waste' time on the computer??? Often I feel this is my lifeline to the only friends I have! Yikes! WHAT would I do without my on line pals who challenge me to continue in the way I have been called? and remind me that I am NOT the world's worst mama? and (figuratively of course!) kick me in the pants and tell me to STOP that sassy attitude with my dear hubby???
SOOOO, here it is, the first post on the Blog of Tanya. (Thanks for the push, C!). You'll be hearing more from me!
