By Dr. Sam Davis
Dr. Sam Davis has been serving the Lord in many different areas since surrendering to the ministry in November of 1967. He has been a minister of music, associate pastor, and presently is pastor of Park Meadows Baptist Church in Lincoln, Illinois, where he has served since 1975.
Dr. Davis speaks at churches and conventions across the country. He comes very highly recommended by many Christian state home school organizations. His tape ministry, comprised of 80+ video tapes (all of which contain captivating on-screen graphics!) and 90+ audio tapes, reach all over the United States and into many foreign countries. Many of those messages give Biblical solutions to critical family problems.
"Changing the Heart of A Rebel”
Dr. S. M. Davis
800-500-8853
Before I tell you the end of the story, let me first point out to you that:
1 - REBELLION ORIGINATES IN THE HEART.
The heart of every problem is a problem in the heart. And that includes rebellion. Rebellion is more a heart problem than a life problem.
Hebrews 3:10 says, "They do alway err in their heart."
The problem David had was that he had lost Absalom's heart. And Absalom's life wandered because his heart wandered.
Many months before Michael ran away from home, Michael's parents lost Michael's heart. Michael's life wandered because his heart wandered.
How easy it would've been for Michael's parents to focus on his running away from home, or on his bad friends, or on his pornography addiction, or on his beer drinking, or on his rock music, etc.
But all those things were symptoms. They were surface. The root cause of all those problems was this: without even knowing how, when, or where it happened, Michael's parents lost Michael's heart.
I repeat: THE HEART OF EVERY PROBLEM IS A PROBLEM IN THE HEART.
I cannot emphasize this too strongly, because this "heart" that I'm talking about controls everything else in a person's life.
Your heart keeps everything else in your life living and functioning.
A parent who has his child's heart will have access to everything else in his child's life.
When Michael's Mother said he had a side they knew nothing about, she was stating plainly that they didn't have his heart.
A parent who has his child's heart will know what is going on in his child's life; he can direct his child's feet to go in the right direction; he can protect his child's eyes and ears from wrong pictures or wrong music; and he can determine who his child's friends will be.
I remember talking to the parents of a boy I'll call "Henry." For 15 years Henry's parents had never had serious problems with their son. But with tears they told me something was wrong. When I quizzed them concerning their home it seemed that they had the perfect home. Both parents were sincere, humble Christians with good standards. They were in a good Church. They had no TV. They were careful with newspapers, magazines, and music. Their son was in home school. But something was wrong. I'll tell you later what was wrong with "Henry."
Did you know that it is better, in the long run, to have a child who occasionally disobeys you, but you have his heart, than to have a child who is continually, compliantly obedient, but you don't have his or her heart?
Not every child whose parents lose his heart becomes wild or rebellious. But the potential for rebellion is present, regardless of how outwardly obedient a child is, if you don't have his heart. That means this: Any parent who does not have his child's heart has a child who has the potential to become a terrible rebel who does horrible things and breaks his parents' hearts.
Are you thinking? Do you have your child's heart?
What would be your child's response to you if you were to ask him or her right now: "Do I have your heart?"
Don't forget: The heart of every problem is a problem in the heart.
2 - WHOEVER HAS THE CHILD'S HEART WILL EVENTUALLY HAVE HIS LIFE AND LOYALTY.
This "heart" I'm talking about was not made to be kept. It was made to be given away.
Whoever the person is to whom your child gives his heart is also the person who will eventually have his life and loyalty.
How could Michael run away from a safe, secure, love-filled home with his 19 year old friend?
It wasn't hard at all. His friend had his heart!
Whoever has the heart will eventually have the child!
That's the reason the world is continually pressing upon us and trying to tie children's hearts with everyone and everything (good and bad) except their parents - from babysitters, to TV stars, to school teachers, to cartoon figures, to basketball
stars, to football stars, to rock 'n roll musicians, to boyfriends and girlfriends.
I've seen children whose hearts were more with some cartoon figure or sports team than with their parents. Sometimes you can tell just by looking at a child's bedroom walls who has his heart!
May I ask you, "Do you right now have your child's heart?"
*Would your child rather spend time with you than almost anyone else?
*Does your child listen respectfully when you speak?
*Does your child have a genuine desire to please you?
*Does it hurt him to displease you?
*Is he loyal to you in your presence as well as behind your back?
*Do you know what is going on inside your child?
Remember Henry? The reason Henry's parents were having problems with him was because Henry had gotten a . . . girlfriend.
One of Satan's biggest ways of getting young people's hearts from their parents prematurely is by getting them to play the boyfriend/girlfriend game.
Is there no other alternative to this approach that is so common in our day and yet is destroying so many young people? I believe there is an outstanding Biblical alternative whereby a young person plans to give his heart to one other person in life. Then he guards his heart against coveting anyone else before he finds that person and after he marries that person.
Where do I find this in the Bible? Let me ask a simple question to answer that. question. How many "Eve's" did God make for Adam? And how many "Adam's" did God make for Eve?
By going from girlfriend to girlfriend to girlfriend, our young people are not learning how to be committed. They are learning how to break up!
Young people who guard their hearts against covetousness are then able to seek first the kingdom of God while being friendly (not flirty!) with everyone.
A fellow is then able to keep his heart with his parents and let them help him find his mate after he's old enough and mature enough for marriage.
Michael's parents brought him back from Florida. But they didn't really get his heart back even though they brought him back.
It was a really easy thing for Mike to give his heart to a girl so that problems started up all over again.
3 - CHILDREN WANT PARENTS TO HAVE THEIR HEARTS.
We're all born with the desire to please our parents, to be close to them, to share things with them, and to get their praise and approval.
Hear Esau as he cries: "Bless me, even me also, O my father."
See David hungering to see Absalom and Absalom hungering to see David.
And there was Michael, before he ran away to Florida, setting everything out so his parents could find it! He was crying out to his parents to get his heart back and help him get his life straightened out!
Please listen to me carefully here. I'm about to tell you ONE OF SATAN'S BIGGEST LIES TO PARENTS IN OUR DAY. If the destructive impact of lies could be compared to bombs, this one lie must have the destructive capability of a nuclear warhead. Yet this lie is believed and even joked about by many people. Here it is: "Some adolescent rebellion is normal and is to be expected out of every teenager." Since rebellion is normal and to be expected, then you don't feel like you have to deal with it.
Rebellion is not normal! According to I Samuel 15:23, rebellion is sin and exposes a child to the realm and power and control of Satan.
Just a little bit of rebellion should be a sign to a parent that the heart is wandering and is troubled and is hungry for love and attention and acceptance.
When a child has a "smart mouth" like Michael had, it must not simply be "chalked up to him being 16!"
A little bit of rebellion is like a fast-growing cancer that multiplies exponentially into a whole mass of life-destroying rebellion.
4 - THE BIBLE GIVES US AN IDEAL PICTURE OF A PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP.
No, it's not Abraham and Isaac. And it's not Isaac and Joseph. It certainly wasn't David and his sons.
This may surprise you, but the ideal example of the hearts of parents and children being knit together is that of the heavenly Father and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ.
Jesus said in John 5:19 - "Verily, verily I say unto you. The Son can do nothing of Himself, but what He seeth the Father do: for what things soever He doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise."
And in John 5:30 Jesus said, "I can of mine own self do nothing...I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me."
And consider Jesus' statement in John 10:30 in this context: "I and my Father are one."
5 - THERE ARE THREE BIG DANGERS FOR THE HEART. They take place in this order: the heart can be lost; then hardened; then stolen.
(1) The heart can be lost.
Perhaps the number one way a father loses his child's heart is by expressing anger at the child.
Contrary to what many fathers think, anger does not break a child's will. Anger crushes a child's spirit, and causes the child to harden his heart.
Over and over when I deal with a rebel child, I find that his father has had a problem with anger. Michael's Dad was not angry all the time, but occasionally he would "explode, then back off."
Fear of explosions of anger can cause a child to retreat into a shell. And when he goes into that shell, he takes his heart with him.
I've dealt so much with the problems created by men's anger that I'm continually recommending to men that they ask God to cleanse their lives completely of anger.
You say, "But what if someone breaks into my house in the middle of the night and I need to be angry?"
You won't need anger even then. You'll need courage and discernment then. PLEASE LET THIS SINK IN! You and I NEVER NEED human wrath. "The wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." (James 1:20) Psalm 37:8 says, "Cease from anger and forsake wrath." Ephesians 4:31 says, "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger . . . be put away from you." Galatians 5:20 lists wrath as a work of the flesh along with adultery and idolatry.
Ephesians 4:26 that says "Be ye angry and sin not," doesn't mean that you can scream and holler and throw dishes and slam the door and knock a hole in the wall . . . but don't sin while you're at it! Ephesians 4:26 means when you feel anger starting to rise, WATCH OUT . . . YOU'RE ABOUT TO SIN!
The heart is much too delicate to survive the catastrophic explosions of a father or mother's anger.
Sometimes parents lose their child's heart when they break the most serious command given to parents in the Bible: "Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath." (Eph. 6:4)
I refer to that command as the most serious command because it is the only negative command I know of given directly to parents in relation to their children. The most devastating consequences occur not from breaking positive commands, but from breaking negative commands.
The Bible commands us to love our neighbor. It also says, "Thou shalt not kill." It's bad to break the positive command. It's horrendous to break the negative command!
You may provoke your child to wrath by criticizing him unjustly, by speaking to him harshly, by teasing him excessively, or by insulting him publicly.
You may provoke your child to wrath by raising the standard required to get your praise and approval so high that he or she can't reach it. It's entirely possible for a parent to have expectations for his child that are higher than what God expects from the child. Those expectations can easily ruin your relationship.
An inexperienced, immature child should not be expected to do a job as well as an experienced, mature, perfectionistic parent. When a child has done his best, he should be praised whether he performed as well as someone else or not. Children also should not be compared to others so as to make them feel inferior.
You may provoke your child to wrath by making them do something they are terribly afraid to do.
You may provoke your child to wrath by not communicating enough with them, or by spending too much time outside the home, or by being glued to TV or other personal pleasures too much.
(2) The child, to accommodate the hurt of you losing his heart, hardens his heart.
(3) After the heart is hardened, someone else can easily steal the heart.
When King David didn't listen to the needs of the men of Israel, then they hardened their hearts toward him. Then Absalom came along and saw the weak area and provided a listening ear, just like wrong friends in our day see the weak areas and provide listening ears.
Absalom listened to them and talked to them and touched them and stole their hearts away. (II Sam. 15:5-6)
The things Absalom did to steal the hearts of the men of Israel are the very same things that are used in our day to steal the hearts of young people from their parents.
But here's the good news: Those same things will also work for parents to "steal back" the hearts of their sons or daughters from those who stole them away in the first place! Thank God that is true. I've seen it work over and over.
Dad and Mom! Listen to your child! Then speak kindly with concern to your child while touching them.
If you'll listen closely enough to your children you'll find out where they're hurting and what's bothering them. Proverbs 24:3 says that a house is established by understanding.
Say tenderly to your child: "I want to understand."
It may be bothering your child that he's starting to have complexion problems. Maybe some friends are making fun of him because of it. Look him in the eyes and listen to him with genuine concern!
Don't foolishly say, "It's no big deal." Say, "Thank you for telling me how you feel. I know it hurts when people laugh at you. I remember how I felt. Tell me more about it."
Your child may feel fat or skinny or ugly or too tall or too short. Listen to them!
Some parents say, "My children don't want to talk." That's not true. Children want to talk. But they want to talk about things that parents often think are unimportant. You and I need to learn that if it's important to them, then it's important!
What I see as my child's needs and what she sees as her needs may be two different things. I have to meet her needs not only as I perceive them, but as she perceives them as well.
Do you know what this means? (This is my favorite sentence in this entire message.) It means that your taking time to kiss your little girl's dolly because it has a sore toe is more important for your happiness 20 years from now than your taking time to listen to your boss offer you a $20,000 a year raise! It means you better care that your little boy got his toy truck stuck in the mud today.
It means you’d better care about your little boy’s dog and your little girl’s cat.
This “cat business” is tough on me. We now have a yard full of immoral, prolific cats. We have one mother cat who has given birth to 54 kittens. You should see her strutting around on Mother’s Day! She thinks God’s command to “be fruitful and multiply” was given just to her!
You say, “Do you love cats?” It doesn’t matter whether I love cats or not. I love my girls, and they love cats.
I was in my office one day busily occupied doing "church work" - important stuff! But when my telephone rang and my daughter was weeping because one of her kittens had been accidentally killed, I left behind all that important stuff and drove 14 miles home.
When I got there, I hugged and loved and spoke comforting words to my girl. Then I went out and buried her kitty. Then I hung around for a couple hours more to make sure she was all right. Then every day for several days I continued to ask her how she was doing.
Why did I do that? Because it was an opportunity for me to let my girl know that she had a Daddy who was a Daddy first and foremost and then a Pastor.
I know every father couldn't drop everything like I did and go home. But I could, so I did.
I don't have to be a cat-lover to be happy in my old age, but I do have to be a child-lover.
Why do children give their hearts to their friends? Because their friends listen to them!
You're not going to raise good children based on how they look on the outside--whether they are conforming or not conforming to your rules. Remember that Michael's parents thought he looked pretty good outwardly just before he ran away.
You have to reach deeper than the surface: "Son, what have you been thinking about? How do you feel about this? Does this bother you? What are you saying to yourself? What did the message at church say to you? Are you reading your Bible? Are you getting answers to your prayers? What can we do together today?"
Questions, questions, questions.
Read through the Gospels and notice how Jesus was continually asking His disciples questions in order to "stay on top" of where they were in their spiritual growth and understanding.
