Funny how quickly life changes. One minute you are sailing along thinking your life is going one way and then behind the scenes all this stuff is happening that you know nothing about and then WAMMY.

The morning of December 23rd started out great. I had my last minute shopping to do and actually had money to do it. I felt good and was looking foreward to Christmas Eve and all the family festivities.

The First wammy wasn't so bad. A and her boyfriend saw me at Wal-mart and told me they are pregnant. Not the greatest news since they are not married -- however, she is over 21 and has her own apartment. So, that evening around 10:30 I am sitting in my favorite chair watching a movie with my 15 year old daughter, when she says, "mom, I need a pregnancy test"...........my heart started pounding.......this feeling of dread came over me. A feeling all throughout my body like I have never felt before. I could not even talk to her. I went to my room and cried for what seemed like hours.

Most of the day Christmas Eve was spent trying to get the swelling down in my eyes so my family that evening would not know I had been crying. I made it through all the festivites keeping it together and Christmas day I spent mostly alone as the kids were scattered about with different relatives through out the day and also visiting their dad.

It has been a couple weeks now and S has been to the local pregnancy center and to the doctor.  And, now I am in a mind set of just dealing with it. I'm still not happy about it. I'm upset over how this changes my life plans for the next few years--- A baby in the house. Those days were supposed to be over for me. Bottles, diapers, teething, potty training. Of course I will train my daughter to handle all those things....which is more difficult than just doing it myself. But, she is the mother. I want to keep that in her perspective.

Now my grandmother (in Germany that I visited this past April) is in the hospital. She is 84 -- prognosis as far as how much time she has. Only God knows. But, I know what is coming....we all do. No matter how much you prepare yourself and how much you say to yourself that your loved one will be in Heaven with God and have no more pain or sorrow ----- you know that you will not see them again as long as you are alive.  It's terribly hard.

And, as if all that were not enough, this Monday my beloved dog is being put to sleep.

Okay.....I can't write any more without crying.

I have only the Lord to hang onto ---  and I am crying out to Him day and night. Not really for anything to change because in these situations, nothing can change except me- My reaction and the level of peace I have from God. I could not imagine going through any of these things without Him by my side.

God Bless you all for your prayers. Love, C

It has been one of those crazy kinds of weeks ~

I've got gifts scattered accross my kitchen needing to be wrapped. Ran out of wrapping paper and have been moving things back and forth from one end of the kitchen to the other depending on what I'm needing to do. Keep saying I'm going to stop at the store and get some, but I get home from work and don't want to leave again. It's the 21st and fearing that I'm in for an all day event on Saturday to get it all done.

On Tuesday, I ran over my daughter's cell phone! Squished it flat! Well, she said she wanted a slim phone. It will be funny in a few months.

This morning I hit a shelf with my elbow that was above my toilet and knocked a heavy paperweight into it --- broke the bowl. It was a blessing that it broke above the water line -- so, no mess to clean up. And we have another bathroom. So, again-- will be funny in a couple of months.

They say these things happen in threes so, I'm counting the 3rd one from this afternoon when I went to pay my cable bill over the phone and it was $268.00 dollars!!!  (okay, I didn't pay it last month) BUT, that's still about $120.00 dollars from movie rentals!!?!!  I have got to see this itemized bill when it comes.

Other than that -- Life is good.  :) 

God somehow has given me a calm and peaceful spirit and these things haven't shaken me. So, for THAT I am most grateful.

God Bless you and keep you all in His care.  

It has been one of those crazy kinds of weeks ~

I've got gifts scattered accross my kitchen needing to be wrapped. Ran out of wrapping paper and have been moving things back and forth from one end of the kitchen to the other depending on what I'm needing to do. Keep saying I'm going to stop at the store and get some, but I get home from work and don't want to leave again. It's the 21st and fearing that I'm in for an all day event on Saturday to get it all done.

On Tuesday, I ran over my daughter's cell phone! Squished it flat! Well, she said she wanted a slim phone. It will be funny in a few months.

This morning I hit a shelf with my elbow that was above my toilet and knocked a heavy paperweight into it --- broke the bowl. It was a blessing that it broke above the water line -- so, no mess to clean up. And we have another bathroom. So, again-- will be funny in a couple of months.

They say these things happen in threes so, I'm counting the 3rd one from this afternoon when I went to pay my cable bill over the phone and it was $268.00 dollars!!!  (okay, I didn't pay it last month) BUT, that's still about $120.00 dollars from movie rentals!!?!!  I have got to see this itemized bill when it comes.

Other than that -- Life is good.  :) 

God somehow has given me a calm and peaceful spirit and these things haven't shaken me. So, for THAT I am most grateful.

God Bless you and keep you all in His care.  

~~I'm thankful for many things~~

My :

Relationship with my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus

Kids and granddaughter

Parents, brother and sisters, nieces and nephews

Friends

Health

Job

Home

Pets

Car

Independence

Dependence on God

VACATION -- SCREECHING HALT

But, I believe the Lord has been preparing me for it. I just "knew" something wasn't right--remember, "my imaginations" ?

Life is not in the circumstances. It is in what God does during those situations to weave beauty from ashes.

The hardest thing is to see your kids go through stressful times and not being able to take it all away from them. But, I know the mistakes and the hardships will teach them lessons that I cannot.

Reality is not always pleasant. But, it is life --

Vacation is just that...a break from reality. I'm disappointed my princess life has ended.

My body thinks it's 2am. I am sitting in Detroit Airport -- just one more hour to my flight. Just got done talking with everyone.

This is an opportunity for me to lean on God and accept His peace in the midst of whatever life brings.

Getting back into the U.S. is quite a bit different than getting out. It makes me feel safe to see the security measures that they take. However, I have to pick up my luggage in Detroit (was originally told it would go straight to final destination). I hope I don't have to take anything out of the carry on. I'm not sure I could get it all repacked again! Good thing I have time before th next flight home.

Heard KT Tunstall for the first time on the airplane...Black Horse and a Cherry Tree. I love it.

Forgot to mention the European - or rather, German toilets. They have no water in them-- and they should post warning signs that say "keep small children and pets away unless supervised!" When you flush, water rushes out like Niagra Falls and I swear you can feel the wind -- LOL

You "drive" (in the plane) for what seems like 20 miles before you reach the place where you get off the plane. Funny.

Amsterdam - okay, my last day as a princess. I just spent $5.00 for a coffee latte (almost as bad as buying the almonds on the way here).

I'm happy. I feel good. I have a good life.

The ups and the downs...I've been trying to brace myself for whatever awaits me at home.

My imagination....they wrecked my car, Stephanie's pregnant, Ty broke his arm or leg on the 4 wheeler, Justin is in jail-- the kitchen caught fire....it could be anything. But, no matter what, I must remember that God loves me. And, in some miraclous way good will come from it.

NICE looking men traveling Amsterdam. I'm sitting in an open Cafe' and can see all around. There is some awesome tropical/exotic music playing. I'm still a princess.  :)

Stewerdess's on cell phones, smoking cigarettes - taking a break. I haven't seen an ugly one yet.     What is it with men and beer? LOL

I'll try to sleep in the plane as much as possible. Can't wait until Detroit. I'll be able to use my "handi" LOL (cell phone).

Hope Amanda paid the bill!!!

I'll be happy for America -- smoking areas OUTSIDE.

Well, Beer and cigarettes are 2 two things that I know I cannot/will not tolerate in a man.

I'm almost to the end of my $5.00 dollar coffee. I'm drinking it as slowly as I possibly can. But it really is a great cup of coffee. Okay, it was really only 4 dollars and 10 cents. But, I got the 90 cents change back in Euro and won't be able to spend it anyplace.

2-pm Time to go see who my plane sharers will be.

I did get to see Heidi for a visit for about 20 minutes before I left for the airport. Her parents still live in the apartment across from Tante Katie and Unkle Nikki's house. She has another turtle-- she says is Trixie # 7.

Heidi is like a very high functioning person with mental retardation *something that completely escaped me when we were best friends as children. She is not dumb by any means. Her English is even better than most and I don't know any adults with mental retardation that can speak two languages.

Something funny that happened. She took me to the garden out back where we used to play. She wanted to show me where all the turtles are buried. She pointed to the back of the yard and said, "my mom is there too". I thought she meant her mom was buried there!

Needless to say, her mom ws in the back part of the garden working~!

Funny! (I didn't tell Heidi what I thought she meant).

Her parents remembered me and said that Heidi and I were such good friends if one of us didn't got to Kindergarten, the the other one wouldn't go that day either. I did get a great picture from her balcony of Tante Katie's and Uncle Nikki's house. I'm really glad that I was able to visit with her for a few minutes.

You can tell the people who fly often. They wait unitl the final boarding call to get on the plane. If you get on the plane right when they first call, you end up sitting on the plane for 1/2 hour.

I prayed for safety in the car (Sylvia drives the Alpho Romaro faster than I think you are even allowed here, and that's pretty fast). And, I prayed for safety flying. Then I realized these are things I want - not need. There is a new higher level of trust in God that nothing happens outside of His will. There is complete and total peace at my center -- because, Jesus is.

Lord, I pray that this is the new me and that I will not take any steps back into the dark.

After the plane was in the air - I cried.

Germany is beautiful. I think if we fly over Speicher I'd be able to see the church!

Lord, I thank You for these gifts.

Seeing my Oma in realistic light -- my sister bond with Monika. Thank You for Thomas and Brigitte and Ignatz, Sylvia and Jurgen... Ischa and Kimba.

Funny to be able to say so much with so few words.

* How to know if you are on a European flight --- free beer and it's not "Ham and Cheese sandwhich" it's "Ham OR Cheese".

Above the clouds again.  Eating and drinking being offered for an hour and a half flight.  It will be interesting to weigh myself when I get home. (yikes).

Luxumbourg Airport --

going home.....leaving home

        (sigh)

Met a young lady who has been here for 4 1/2 months on a college semester for International Marketing. Had a great chat. She is flying an hour earlier than me to London and then Columbus will get there (in the US) around midnight. My flight leaves an hour later, but I will get there around 10:30pm.

All this time in Luxumbourg and she did not have a postcard. So, I gave her one of my favorites (I bought extra). It is of the view of the bridge to the airport. Breathtaking.

I still have an hour here. I like this time between flights. I look in the shops and meet people. It's a wonderful feeling.

I forgot to mention that after the 1st week, Sylvia seemed to warm up to me. It was nice.

This last week I've not written as much. But, we went to see the horses and we laughed and had a good time.

Ended up needing a second suitcase. Funny, it is the one left here from my mom and dad's last visit. They will probably bring it back when they come here next April.

The Lord gave me something so very special. He knew what I needed to make me whole.

I love my Oma - but, I do not love her with the love of a little girl anymore.

*Reminder: Find, "The Purpose Driven Life" in German for Ignatz.

I'm excited about all the little goodies to share with my family tomorrow night.

I want to start looking at Garage Sales for different fine china coffee cups and saucers. it was neat sitting at Brigitte's table and everyone would have a different beautiful cup and saucer.

Only two more days here.

Monika put the feather blanket in the was this morning before she went to work. I put it in the dryer. We are going to have fun trying to stuff everything in the suitcase.

There is a cool looking bird here. It is black and white. Oma says that they fly to Africa in the Winter and come back in the Spring. I have not been successful in getting a picture of one. The bird makes a sound like a 6 foot cicada!

I was up at 7am this morning. My last day here. I don't want to spend it sleeping.

My Tante Marlis came yesterday. She's a lot of fun. Very happy and friendly. BIG hugs. her English is very good. She is spending the day with Oma today and tomorrow

Cold and rainy today....the smell of wood burning. Like old country.

I wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed here. My guess is a job working with the kids like Sylvia at the children's home.

I am looking forward to going home and seeing my kids. I miss them and Isabel very much.

I am so happy the Lord gave me the gift of this trip. I have an awesome life and appreciate even more His gifts to me.

Monika asked me if I knew what Nutoka was -- original name "Nutella". It is a jar of spread like peanut butter, only it is chocolate and hazel nut flavor.

Very good (bad) stuff. YUM!

Das ist doch clar = of course

Runter = down

verklich = really

tolle= nice

beschtimdt = definetly

Aber jezt (j pronounced like y) alles clar =but now all is okay

comis hie heen (Speicer platz or town slang) = come here

Slept very late today. 10:30! Took a shower even before making coffee and then checked e-mail.

After dinner today (1pm) went to Binfeld and made a picture of my Uncle Adam's apartment where he used to live. Took picture standing next to a locamotive like the one that took my mom to school. Also went to Neiderkyle and took pictures of place I lived as a child.

I get really car sick riding with other people - even in the front seat. Glad to be back.

Walked to the Hotel and Oma was just finishing eating with a friend. I had a piece of cake and visited for a little bit and then came back here. Watched the Eagles on t.v. Heard their new song, "There's a hole in the world" written the night of Sept. 11th. Same words over and over. Great harmony but not impressed with the lack of words...."There's a hole in the world tonight, don't let there be a hole in the world tomorrow".  I guess the lack of words in itself is a statement of being at a loss.

Somehow I imagined that at least for a part of my vacation I would have times of going off by myself to sit on a quiet hillside and just sit...to think about my life. I've only gone off by myself a couple of times but had to be back either at 12:30 for dinner or to meet Oma at 4pm. Maybe one morning this week I will be able to do that.

Neither Monika or Oma can just sit without talking. I like to sit without talking. Bryan and I could do that. When we used to sit on my front porch...it was so relaxing.  The past (sigh).

Looking at all the pictures of myself. I hate the way I look. this weight has got to come off of me~!

Tonight is also called "witch night". Like our Halloween, except no one dresses up and they don't pass out candy. Is is common on this night that teenagers cause problems, mostly harmless pranks like soaping windows and toilet papering. But, in recent years buildings and cars have been spray painted and flower boxes turned over.

This town does not have a jail or any police. But, I guess some police are now brought here for this night. Some people asked permission from Ignatz to park their car behind their locked fence.

There is also a tradition of a white line being drawn from a boy's house to a girl's house all through the town. For different reasons. To link a broken up couple back together or to pull a prank with a popular boy/girl with an unpopular one. Monika says it was always a relief when she was young to open the doors and not see a line.

The wedding tradition: There is an engagement announcement and then one morning the familie's friends all show up bright and early with what they call "clean garbage" and put it all out in front of the engaged girl's house. Then the parents come out and serve everyone a shot glass of liquor.

There is a "formal" wedding ceremony (no white dress) that is just for the family. The couple is legally married then. But, the big church wedding happens 6 weeks later with the Bride and Groom and everyone from the wedding party walking through town together in their wedding clothes to the church.

When they get home from the church wedding, someone would have had their home filled with straw.

I had a very very bad dream last night. I watched some men pull J into a car with a gun at his head and they drove into the woods --- but, I saw J later on in my dream and he was okay. Is was a very bad dream though. He looked at me and his hand was out the window and he tried to open the door from the outside - I couldn't do anything. I was too far away and when they drove off I was sure they were going to kill him- He had this look on his face when he was looking at me...scared and I couldn't help him. The dream filled me with such terror. I woke up right after seeing him in the dream that he was okay. If it wasn't for that part I would be sure that something bad was happening to him in real life.

I was cold and rainy today. Monika and I took umbrellas and watched the men carry the tree and put it up. We counted around 27 men. I'm not really sure 27 drunk men should be doing such a job. But, this tradition has been for over 100 years. Every town trys to have the tallest tree and the men must stay awake all night to make sure no one from another town cuts it down. If that happens, then they have to go into the woods and get another tree. I don't imagine that would be much fun with a hangover.

Monika and I came right home after the tree was put up. It felt great to get warm and dry.

Thomas came over. He got the DVD's done. We are having Oma over either tomorrow or Tuesday night to watch.

Brigitte invited Oma over earlier for dinner and it was really a good time. she watched us play cards.

Went to mass at 5:30 pm with Oma yesterday. There were about 150 people there. The church is so beautiful. But all that kneeling infront of statues - even statues of Jesus made me wonder if these things have become idols to the people - ? -

Oma was in a lot of pain before we left. I put my hand on her back and prayed my way (out loud). It was a good moment. I talked to Oma about what she believes and what I believe and about praying for forgiveness. Even though there are some hard places with my Oma, I feel comforted that she is saved. I must continue to pray for her to walk with the Lord to become closer/more intimate and that her spiritual eyes will be opened.

Also, before I left yesterday to go to my Oma's I showed Monika my Bible and talked with her about my church. I think Monika would love our worship.

Need to send her a tape of one of our services. I wonder if we have it on DVD? I know she doesn't have a VCR.

Interesting conversation with Ignatz after lunch today. I'm not sure how it got started, it just did. I believe Ignatz is close to God. He doesn't go to church. But, he prays. Maybe so much time alone in the green houses has given him the time alone with God that so few people get. He seemed so pleased that I understood his knowledge of the spirit world "other world" as he calls it -- my dad thought he was talking about aliens - (even today he says that is what Ignatz was talking about and that he grows his flowers in circle pattern/like crop circles). Ignatz says there isn't anyone he can talk with - he nodded his head toward the door of the flower shop (meaning Brigitte and Monika) saying he cannot talk with his family about it.

Maybe I am here so he knows he isn't crazy.

I told him I pray and read my Bible every day. He commented that they used to pray at dinner - he noticed that I close my eyes before I eat and wondered if that is what I was doing.

Ignatz stopped talking about it as soon as Brigitte and Monika walked back in.

He liked it very much when I told him that I felt it was my job to pray for people so they will have their eyes opened to spiritual matters.

It was what I call, " a God moment".

I could almost see the peace settle over him.

He works hard, and with any business, he sees bigger, newer places moving in - like the big flower shop across from the cemetary by Aldis. I'm sure it causes him stress.

Monika's apartment/house is heated by a stove that is on the first floor (underneath the apartment). Ignatz loads it up with firewood and we can hear him late at night adding wood. The house is almost too warm sometimes. The wood burning smells good.

Talked to mom today - I have a feeling something is not right - but, it must not be an emergency or she would tell me. Whatever it is, I will  pray for God's will. He knows.

I'm starting to loose track of the day and date. My nails are growing without breaking...so, this is what it is to do life with no stress -  

I still think of BR every day - but, not like before. the heartache is not a heartache anymore. I hope it stays like this now. I pray for him and the kids with no thoughts of the future --- or the past.

Spent from 4pm-6:40 with Oma. Fixed her shelves in the closet for her. I liked being able to do something to help her. We looked at more pictures today.

If it wasn't for missing the kids and my family -- I could stay here forever.

I am healed and whole - Yet, I live in two worlds on Earth.

It is together in the spirit world somehow - And, I know it is enough for me now.

I feel different. I can't really explain it.

The Lord has blessed me.

Brigitte made a favorite for dinner today. Pork roast with gravy, cauliflower and Knoodle (dumplings).

Monika and I took the train to trier today. At one point she asked me what I was thinking---I was imagining my mom as a young girl on her way home from school for the holiday.

The first glimpse of the Kyll river, after all the stops and all the other little towns , going through the tunnels. I wondered if she counted them or if it didn't matter. I think there were 4 tunnels.

Monika is sick with a very bad cold today. Right now I would love to give her some Sudafed/Nyquill or something. She paid 12 Euro for something. I think it was like sinutab and it did stop her nose from running...but she is still pretty miserable and it didn't help her headache.

I called S and T today. I loved hearing their voices. I miss them so much!

Did laundry tonight - I figured it out! Things are very different here. I guess it's all a matter of what you are used to. Things are smaller but seem to work better.

Trier was a lot of fun. Some rain drops today and we just ducked into a store and when we came out, the rain would be gone.

Probably didn't help Monika's cold though.

It's difficult, but I'm refraining from buying anything unless something just grabs my attention and I've not seen it in America.

$220.00 dollars got me $169.00 Euro and things are very expensive here. The train was 10.40 (About $16.00). They had a Burger King in Trier. But, just a regular sandwhich (not a meal) cost 3 Euro.

Oh yea - When we got off the train....the city smelled like beer!!! I kid you not. And the street in front of the station was lined with taxis. (Monika pointed out Sylvia's ex-husband to me and we snuck past him).

Had to walk about 6 blocks to get to the market place and the streets for shopping. I took at least 100 pictures.