Funny how quickly life changes. One minute you are sailing along thinking your life is going one way and then behind the scenes all this stuff is happening that you know nothing about and then WAMMY.

The morning of December 23rd started out great. I had my last minute shopping to do and actually had money to do it. I felt good and was looking foreward to Christmas Eve and all the family festivities.

The First wammy wasn't so bad. A and her boyfriend saw me at Wal-mart and told me they are pregnant. Not the greatest news since they are not married -- however, she is over 21 and has her own apartment. So, that evening around 10:30 I am sitting in my favorite chair watching a movie with my 15 year old daughter, when she says, "mom, I need a pregnancy test"...........my heart started pounding.......this feeling of dread came over me. A feeling all throughout my body like I have never felt before. I could not even talk to her. I went to my room and cried for what seemed like hours.

Most of the day Christmas Eve was spent trying to get the swelling down in my eyes so my family that evening would not know I had been crying. I made it through all the festivites keeping it together and Christmas day I spent mostly alone as the kids were scattered about with different relatives through out the day and also visiting their dad.

It has been a couple weeks now and S has been to the local pregnancy center and to the doctor.  And, now I am in a mind set of just dealing with it. I'm still not happy about it. I'm upset over how this changes my life plans for the next few years--- A baby in the house. Those days were supposed to be over for me. Bottles, diapers, teething, potty training. Of course I will train my daughter to handle all those things....which is more difficult than just doing it myself. But, she is the mother. I want to keep that in her perspective.

Now my grandmother (in Germany that I visited this past April) is in the hospital. She is 84 -- prognosis as far as how much time she has. Only God knows. But, I know what is coming....we all do. No matter how much you prepare yourself and how much you say to yourself that your loved one will be in Heaven with God and have no more pain or sorrow ----- you know that you will not see them again as long as you are alive.  It's terribly hard.

And, as if all that were not enough, this Monday my beloved dog is being put to sleep.

Okay.....I can't write any more without crying.

I have only the Lord to hang onto ---  and I am crying out to Him day and night. Not really for anything to change because in these situations, nothing can change except me- My reaction and the level of peace I have from God. I could not imagine going through any of these things without Him by my side.

God Bless you all for your prayers. Love, C

Posted by Mamabearof5

My prayers are with you. I hope the Lord will guide you through this with ease and comfort. Try to keep your chin up and be possitive. Sure what is happening isn't the best but keep in mind that things happen for a reason. ... if you look for a silver lining maybe you can get through this with alittle less pain. May God be with you.

Posted by TC

Oh, I am so sorry you are in this very difficult season. I have a 15 year old daughter, too, and can't imagine how I would handle the situation.
I hope you are soon able to find peace in the midst of circumstances.

Posted by dswescott

I cannot even imagine how you kept this to yourself for so long. I had no idea that night that you were so torn up inside.

I am continuing to pray for you and the girls. I know this wasn't your plan. So now you are grieving for the life you must give up. That is painful.

You're right though that God will carry you through. It's hard to keep your eyes on Him through the struggle, and you will inevitably be distracted. But always turn back to Him for that comfort and rest in the knowledge that He holds A & S and their babies in His hands.

Much love & blessings, dear sister!