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It was the last day of my mountain getaway. I had been struggling for a long time with some things and I wanted to get some direction from God. So far, my half-hearted attempts at getting His attention seemed to be going nowhere. I had come fully prepared to pray, fast and study the Word but had found myself sleeping, eating chocolate and avoiding quiet times with audio books.
On Sunday morning, I detoured on my way back to the cabin from breakfast and stopped the car at a small pond with hiking trails. Since I was missing church, I had a half-formed notion to worship in the woods. As I walked, I snapped photos of interesting things to show the kids when I got home. At several points, I thought of turning back. I only had an hour until checkout time and I still needed to pack up the car, but I kept feeling the urge to go just a bit further.
It was a beautiful spring morning in the Rockies. The sky was blue, the birds were singing and the creek was running fast with mountain runoff. I stopped on a bridge and sat still, watching the sun sparkle on the crystal clear water. I thought about all the failures, trials and distractions of the past few weeks (months, years?) and wondered why I didn't have what it took to seek the Lord with all my heart. Why couldn't I concentrate enough... pray enough... be enough?? Why couldn't I grasp grace?
I felt compelled to look up. There above the rushing stream, directly in front of me, was a still-dormant young tree. All of it's leaves were gone - all but one. One shrivelled, dry, brown leaf clung desperately to the sleeping tree. No life could flow into that leaf. It would not be restored and renewed when the tree woke from its winter slumber. Instead of letting go in the wild fall winds for a short but glorious flight like all it's brethren, it doggedly stayed connected to its past. Instead of letting go of the security of its current position, instead of allowing itself to be carried to its new destination on the rushing stream, it died where it hung. Refusing to be part of the circle of life - life, death, rebirth - it missed its purpose, its calling.
OK, too much for a mindless little leaf. But oh! so appropriate for me. I am so afraid to let go of what I cling to, the apparent safety and security of what I know of God. I am stuck in my routine sameness, hoping against all the evidence that it will be "enough". Knowing that it is not.
God wants more of me. He wants to show me things that I desperately want and need, but that I am too afraid to accept! I am that leaf, and a vital part of me is wasting away in my need for control.
The Lord has asked me to let go and trust Him. Trust Him with my life, my husband, my children. Trust Him with all of my heart, all of my soul and all of my strength. And what else can I do?
"But thanks be to God, he has given us VICTORY through Jesus Christ our Lord." 1 Corinthians 15:57
© 2008
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Posted by Anonymous