Mar. 20, 2008 - Not what I had planned
I am now a widow. My beloved husband passed away on Friday, March 14, 2008 after being hospitalized with pneumonia.
He had been battling cancer for over a year and everytime we turned around, there was more bad news about it spreading. Everything about this cancer was not "natural". When he was originally diagnosed in 2004, he did not fit the risk group for squamous cell carcinoma in the tonsil...he never smoked, was not a drinker and he was certainly too young at 35. After radiation, chemotherapy and surgery, we believed we had beaten the cancer at the end of 2004. Near the end of 2006 he began to experience some unexplained back pain. He again was diagnosed with cancer, after multiple tests, on his 38th birthday. There was cancer in his bones; spine, ribs, sternum, arm and leg. It was squamous cell carcinoma. The strange thing was, this kind of cancer rarey spreads throughout the body, and if it does, it would go to the lungs or abdomen first, not the bones. The oncologist tried the same kind of treatment that seemed to work last time. It still spread, so she tried something different. It still spread. On March 5th, we got the news that it was now in the lung and liver and it was also in the bone marrow. We hadn't gotten a pronosis from the oncologist yet and were going to sit with her on the 12th to find out how much time we had left. When we got to the office that day, she had him sent to the emergency room because he was having a lot of trouble breathing. He was admitted with pneumonia.
The next day, Thursday, they were very concerned about the trouble he was having breathing and the fact that the antibiotics were not working. The oncologist informed us that if the pneumonia cleared up, he would only have 2 or 3 weeks because of how aggressive the cancer was. We had all 7 of our children come to the hospital so that we could tell them the new information and prepare them for what was to come. He took a bad turn in the middle of the night and by daylight, he was no longer communicative. All 7 children made it back to the hospital that morning and we all witnessed him take his last breath just before noon.
We are surrounded by so many wonderful friends and family. They have been such a comfort during this past week. I am sad and at a loss without my beloved sweetheart, but I know that God will take care of us.
I am still in shock and do not shed a whole lot of tears right now. I worry that others will think that I don't care or maybe they think I am okay and don't need any support. I am trying to be strong for my children because I know they need that right now. I don't know how I am supposed to act though. As long as I keep busy and don't think about it, I'm fine. I am so tired at night that I fall asleep quickly; which is a good thing I guess, because I am sleeping.
I am starting to ramble so I am going to just stop. I never imagined that I would have to raise 7 children on my own. I am scared and worried that I will fail them. If there is anyone out there that has faced this I would love to hear how you do it.
~Carina~
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Nov. 15, 2007 - Dating???
We do not allow our children to date and we try to discourage "crushes" and talking about boyfriends/girlfriends. I believed that all was well until a couple of years ago when my oldest (then 16) got involved in a youth theater group. She started socializing with lots of kids her age that I did not know and without my "supervision". Up until this point, most of her socialization was with family groups, friends and homeschool groups where I knew everyone and I was usually present (sheltered, I know). She developed a "crush" or two while spending time with these other kids. I was devastated at first, feeling like I had failed. I got over it and realized, after talking to her and being councelled by my hubby that it was harmless and she was not acting on these "crushes". She was concerned about never being able to find the man she would marry and fall in love without dating.
Now it is 2 years later. She is still heavily involved with this theater group and 18. The topic of dating has come up a few times and she has boldly stated that she is not allowed to date. No one has really given her a hard time about it until just recently. But, now that she is 18 her friends feel that she should no longer be bound by this "law". She has been spending a lot of time and attention to one particular boy in this group and has confessed to us that her friends are trying to "hook them up". In fact last night she was telling me that these friends were trying to get them to kiss. She says that they are getting on her nerves, too. I have met this boy and he seems nice enough, but he doesn't fit the ideal my hubby and I have for the man we would help choose for our daughters.
I have spoken to her about the fact that she is now 18 and there will be legitimate "suitors" that will want to date her. I told her that if there is a guy she likes that may be serious about a relationship with her (long term/marriage) then he would need to come speak to Daddy first. I assume that she would have told this boy this fact if she was interested in him in that way, but she hasn't.
She is probably just enjoying the attention...makes her feel accepted and attractive. I know that I need to trust her and believe that I have taught her well to take a stand when it matters. Ugh! I don't think I can go through this 5 more times!!!
I am just venting my frustrations...sorry. If anyone has any advise, suggestions, or comforting word, please share. I would love to hear from anyone that has gone through this and survived.
~Carina~
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Nov. 4, 2007 - Strong-Willed and Defiant
As I sit here and type this, my 11 year old is throwing a fit about having to do the dishes.
Paul and I just switched all the chores around this weekend. It is near impossible to make all 7 children happy at the same time...well, 6 in this case. But Christine is the only one that is violently opposed to doing any work at all. She doesn't want to do laundry because she would have to touch someone elses dirty clothes. Besides, we just switched her from folding the laundry). She doesn't want to do the cat chores because she would have to do the litter. And she doesn't want to do the dishes because they "are gross". All the other chores...setting/clearing the table, sweeping the kitchen, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathroom (she wouldn't want that one either)...are the easier ones that need to be given to the younger girls.
As of right now, she will not be going to youth group tonight. She has been screaming and hollering all afternoon. She has finally started but it is not done yet. She is begging Daddy to let her go and she'll finish tomorrow. I hope he says "no". If not, she will never learn about choices and consequences.
If anyone reads this and has any advise or suggestions on how to handle this kind of attitude, please share by leaving me a comment or a message. Even though I have 7 children, doesn't mean I am an expert. Maybe when they are all grown and living their own lives I can claim that title.
Blessings
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Oct. 26, 2007 - Just blogging...
I am attempting to find a way to journal regularly. I am not very good at sticking with things, but I would like to try to be consistant with this. I guess I will start with a short introduction...
My name is Carina and I have been married for 19 years to my highschool sweetheart. I have 7 wonderful, talented children, between the ages of 3 and 18, that keep life interesting. I have been homeschooling since my oldest was school age. She has "graduated" and is preparing to go to college in the fall of 2008. My second child is my only boy. He loves football and hanging out with the guys every chance he gets. The rest of my girls are "Daddy's girls" through and through.
Maybe I will make a separate post to describe each of my children. Or maybe I'll just do one post for them all. I'll see what I am up to doing later. I tell more about myself later as well. Right now, I need to get school started.
God Bless!
