Mar. 20, 2008 - Not what I had planned
I am now a widow. My beloved husband passed away on Friday, March 14, 2008 after being hospitalized with pneumonia.
He had been battling cancer for over a year and everytime we turned around, there was more bad news about it spreading. Everything about this cancer was not "natural". When he was originally diagnosed in 2004, he did not fit the risk group for squamous cell carcinoma in the tonsil...he never smoked, was not a drinker and he was certainly too young at 35. After radiation, chemotherapy and surgery, we believed we had beaten the cancer at the end of 2004. Near the end of 2006 he began to experience some unexplained back pain. He again was diagnosed with cancer, after multiple tests, on his 38th birthday. There was cancer in his bones; spine, ribs, sternum, arm and leg. It was squamous cell carcinoma. The strange thing was, this kind of cancer rarey spreads throughout the body, and if it does, it would go to the lungs or abdomen first, not the bones. The oncologist tried the same kind of treatment that seemed to work last time. It still spread, so she tried something different. It still spread. On March 5th, we got the news that it was now in the lung and liver and it was also in the bone marrow. We hadn't gotten a pronosis from the oncologist yet and were going to sit with her on the 12th to find out how much time we had left. When we got to the office that day, she had him sent to the emergency room because he was having a lot of trouble breathing. He was admitted with pneumonia.
The next day, Thursday, they were very concerned about the trouble he was having breathing and the fact that the antibiotics were not working. The oncologist informed us that if the pneumonia cleared up, he would only have 2 or 3 weeks because of how aggressive the cancer was. We had all 7 of our children come to the hospital so that we could tell them the new information and prepare them for what was to come. He took a bad turn in the middle of the night and by daylight, he was no longer communicative. All 7 children made it back to the hospital that morning and we all witnessed him take his last breath just before noon.
We are surrounded by so many wonderful friends and family. They have been such a comfort during this past week. I am sad and at a loss without my beloved sweetheart, but I know that God will take care of us.
I am still in shock and do not shed a whole lot of tears right now. I worry that others will think that I don't care or maybe they think I am okay and don't need any support. I am trying to be strong for my children because I know they need that right now. I don't know how I am supposed to act though. As long as I keep busy and don't think about it, I'm fine. I am so tired at night that I fall asleep quickly; which is a good thing I guess, because I am sleeping.
I am starting to ramble so I am going to just stop. I never imagined that I would have to raise 7 children on my own. I am scared and worried that I will fail them. If there is anyone out there that has faced this I would love to hear how you do it.
~Carina~
Comments
Mar. 20, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by brafordchemist
I pray that the Lord will fill you with His peace, His comfort, His wisdom, His strength, and His love as you go through this. I am sorry for your loss. I have not traveled your road, so I can offer no guidance, only prayers.
Jamie
Mar. 20, 2008 - On your loss...
Posted by RDFLEMING
Dear Carina,
How grieved I was to read of your loss! My heart aches for you. We were at a funeral of another dear friend, Doug, (husband, father to 7, grandfather to 9 and son) on Friday 3/14. He was only 56. Last year we walked with another dear friend, Dave, through a very aggressive cancer (Feb. 7-Apr. 16), and were there with his precious wife and 6 boys when he breathed his last. I would love to be able to speak with you sometime when you are able. In the meantime, our family will cry out to the LORD for you and your family. We know a little of grief....but, I don't know your pain. We buried twin daughters, one at 5 months and the other at 2-1/2 years. Grief takes time...2 years is not uncommon. At first God wraps you in about 7 layers of foam...mercifully, so that you can get through the immediate arrangements and changes. About 2 weeks afterwards the foam starts coming off...after everyone else goes home. I have a very good (small) book that has helped many to get 'through' (you never really get over it, although time does soften the pain) the grief. My email is fiberdyn@volstate.net if you are interested in contacting me. Please know, we will be praying. Read God's word...it brings true comfort. Cry out to the Heavenly Father...He will NOT leave you nor forsake you. Sing the old hymns...they are full of comfort for times like these. Hold your children closely...stick together like magnets...even though everyone is hurting, your being together will help you through your grief process.
Warmest regards,
Grace and Peace,
Ruth
Mar. 21, 2008 - praying for you
Posted by Clemons
Ruth Fleming, (posted above) told me about you and asked that I leave a comment. All I can say is that I am sorry and I will pray for you.
I have not walked the path you are on but I have been privedged to know Godly women who have lost husbands while their children were not yet grown. My grandmother is one. Her youngest was 10 when she became a widow. She says that keeping busy was very important. She said she wanted to just quit and retire from the world but for her son's sake she kept going. I recently read an article in the "Keepers at Home" magazine by a young widow. She shared that having young children in her home actually helped her heal. I can tell by your posts that you have a true relationship with Christ. Keep turning to Him. He is your perfect husband.
Grieving with you as a sister in Christ,
Kathy
Mar. 25, 2008 - Praying for you
Posted by Jaynee
I am so sorry~ I have added your name to my prayer list and will bring you before the throne of grace every morning. I will share about you with my children this evening as we gather for devotions and I know they will remember to pray for you and your children too.
I am due in 2 weeks with our 11th little one; we live in Mexico where we are missionaries. I can only imagine the grief you must feel...I will bring you to the Lord and ask Him to give you all the grace, comfort, wisdom and strength you need each day. He is faithful and will never leave or forsake or fail you. Give your every burden to Him; cling to Him and His precious Word. The promises therein become so sweet during times of greatest trail.
If you ever want to "talk" or just have someone listen, my you email me at lockwoods2mexico@juno.com.
love and prayers,
Jaynee
Jun. 14, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by dixiecajuns
Hi Carina,
I just got to your blog through our friend Ruth. I also recently lost my husband of 33 years on May 11, 2008 (Mother's Day). Elgin was hit head on by a drunk driver. Both trucks burst into flames and Elgin was burnt beyond recognition. We have 5 children and 9 grandchildren. We still have 2 daughters at home, Jordan is 20 and Sarah is 17. I share the same feeling in my heart as you do. I feel like I've aged, I'm exhausted all the time and my heart hurts so bad that some times I feel like I can't take my next breath. I will lift you before the Lord and pray for healing in both of our hearts.
Josephine
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