Sep. 6, 2006 - Hello all!

Me again!
Wow life has been crazy!!
Some of you have heard bits and pieces of this story, but for the benefit of those who have not, I'll start at the beginning.
My mom's uncle and cousin live in Troy OH. There is a family in their church, the Gillespies, who are homeschooled, and expecting their 9th child. They are good friends with Uncle Frank and Aunt Beth.
A couple months ago Aunt Beth called and said the Gillespies were looking for someone to help out for the school year. We talked about it a bit and thought it might be a good idea. When we were in OH last week we met the family and talked about it.  I fell in love with the family right away! What precious children!

We all decided we could make it work, and after much prayer.. I will be living with the Gillespies for the school year. I will be cooking, cleaning, watching the younger children during school hours, and of course anything else that comes up in daily life! I'm planning to just be the 'big sister' and do a little of everything. I am so excited! I know I will learn so much from this family! And I will also get to spend some time with Uncle Frank and Aunt Beth!
This is such an answer to prayer. My heart's passion is for families, large families, committed families. There I will be enabling the parents to be parents in stead of enabling them to get away from their children.

I would ask you to pray. Originally I was going to go there after the Counseling Seminar in October but some things have changed. The girl that has been helping them is not going to collage this semester and they are struggling with giving her up. So I may not go until the second semester, or maybe I'll still go in Oct, and I'll have some overlap time with this girl... or maybe something else will happen. But the Gillespies have to make this decision soon, and I know it is a hard one for them.

Also, the Gillespies have recently made it clear that they do not want me only for this school year... they want me for as long as I'll stay... as many years as I will stay. Now, if I can only stay this school year they still want me to come, but they really want me longer than that.
This really changes how I look at things! I'm not sure I'm ready to completely move away from home! ... But it is such a perfect opportunity.
So pray that Mr. and Mrs. Gillespie will have wisdom concerning when I should go out there, and that the Lord will direct in the next few years. I certainly don't have to decide now.

That's about it! Thanks for listening!

Rejoicing in His plans!
Christy

The children are, oldest to youngest:
Ashley. Caleb, Seth, Ethan, Micah, Katie, Joshua and Levi (and the baby on the way)

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May. 29, 2006 - Already?

It was a week for lasts. Monday morning came and I realized that it was my very last Monday with my darling children. (And here we draw a ragged sigh.) I went to Curves with Mom. And then headed over to Clarks. After picking Brendan up from Pre-K we went back to my house. Brendan wanted to play with Joshua one last time. (Am I allowed to start crying yet?) I had a piano lesson that evening. I have just started playing so my lessons are only about 20 minutes, however my teacher and I get along really well so I'm always there for 11/2-2 hours. Yes, we love to talk.

 

Tuesday I had to come to grips with the fact that this was my very last day by myself with B and Teagan. I also realized how they had become my life. I had spent the last year of my life with them. I was with them more than my own family. Home had become, to my shame, only a place to recuperate. I gave my life for these two children. I spent a lot of time out side with Teagan. I took some pictures. I was quickly realizing how acuity I would miss my darlings.

I took Brendan to McDonalds to play for the last time. He got his usual M&M McFlurry, and, as usual, I finished it for him. I couldn't even allow myself to think about these normal parts of life… becoming only a memory. (Crying now for sure and certain.) I gave Brendan a big hug before I left for the day.

 

Wednesday morning I drove to work with apprehension, praying continuously for strength and a proper perspective. I pulled in the driveway and saw a little white car... I had to fight the urge to hate it. I opened the garage, walked in the door and saw her. Sitting there talking to Shannon (the children's mother) and laughing at the antics of the ever active, ever imaginative Brendan. So this was her? This was the one who was taking my children away from me?

"No," a little voice in my spirit said, "you gave up the job. She is in no way spiteful." Of course. And she looked sweet.

Thus I met Samara. The grace of God swept over me and I was able to treat her with love through the day, share with her all I had learned by trial and error, tell her of the children's quirks, likes, dislikes, etc. She was kind, encouraging and fun. We had a good time together. She talked to Teagan but didn't push her too fast. She understood that Teagan was comfortable with me. I have to admit my heart jumped for joy when Teagan would reach for me if Samara got too close. My little girl was her sweet, funny, adorable self and I delighted in Samara's praise of her. She didn't need to tell me how wonderful my baby was, but I was so glad she noticed! She seemed surprised at how well Teagan is walking and frequently mentioned how smart she was.

We went together to pick Brendan up from school and went to a park for lunch. Brendan was delighted to have a new friend to play with! I mostly watched Teagan while Samara played a make-believe game with B.

 

Thursday I had to fight back tears before walking in the door. It was very likely that I would have Friday off, seeing how well Samara had done the day before. And that meant... No, I couldn't even think about it. "Lord? Oh Father! I beg You to fill me with Your Spirit today! I want to be a blessing, I want to make this a smooth transition for the kids, and Samara. I want to have a joyful spirit! Oh! Please show my kiddos how much I love them! Give us a special last day together. And Lord? Above all, please... oh! Please show the Clarks their need of You! Protect my darlings and put Your love in their hearts! Continue to draw them to Yourself even after I leave. Oh! Give me strength!"

Samara and I played with the kids on the play set for quite awhile before going in to put Teagan to bed. I was working on pulling back, letting the kids get to know Samara. I encouraged Teagan to go to her and even had Samara put her down for her nap. She cried for me, "Mum-mum", the whole time, but went to sleep quickly. While Samara was putting Teagan down Brendan was setting up a board game. I asked if I could play with him but he said he was waiting for Samara. I told him that that was my very last day as his nanny and that I would miss him very much and wanted to play with him while I could. This made sense to him and he included me the rest of the day like he hadn't the day before.

I would have really enjoyed having two adults it the house if it weren't for such a hard reason.  We were able to get so much done! That house is never clean but we were able to get the first floor looking pretty good!

When Teagan woke up we packed into my car and headed up the mountain. I took them to one of my favorite parks. We walked around and then let the kids play in the river. Brendan found a friend and started collecting special rocks. He is so outgoing and friendly! All the kids love him! Teagan disliked the cold water at first but finally put her feet in the water as long as I was holding her. There is absolutely no better place for children to spend time than in the mountain air! It was lovely!

Brendan started quiet time when we got home, and I fed Teagan and took her up to her room. I knew this was my special time to say goodbye. I held her for a long time and prayed over her, and told her I loved her, and cried.

Samara and I looked at scrapbooks until Shannon got home. We talked about how the day had gone and decided that Samara would indeed be alright on her own the next day and that I would just be on call. I knew she wouldn't need me.

I struggled to keep my tears in check while we worked out the final details of transferring car seats and garage door openers. Shannon called Brendan out of quiet time and explained to him that his "Christy days" were over and that he would only have "Samara days" after that. B had a serious look on his face as he gave me a hug. I could no longer hold back the tears and quickly turned toward the door. Samara asked if I was ok, and said that she had cried on her last day with the kids she had been nannying before.

We went out to my car and got the stroller and seats out. Shannon gave me a big hug and whispered, "Thank you, sweetie." I hadn't realized until then how much I would miss her as well! We have come to be good friends over the past year.

Tears were running freely down my face as I pulled out the drive way. Brendan ran behind me yelling, "I love you, Christy! I love you!!"

I drove home in tears, carried my things into the house in tears, gathered my self together long enough to say hi to Stephanie A who was in the kitchen and then jump back in the car and head to my chiropractor's in tears. Mom was there and asked how I was doing which started me crying again. My chiropractor is wonderful, I can't hide anything from him. He asked how my day went and said I was all twisted up. Not exactly surprising seeing that I had been struggling physically for a couple weeks, and then knowing how emotions affect me so much physically. I drove home once again in tears.

All the A girls were there when I arrived home. I was determined to be cheerful. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord wants me to be done with this job. I am extremely excited about what He has planed for my summer! I didn't want to burden others with my pain. I did fine for about five minutes. Stephanie asked how my day was, and Mom said I was having a hard time because I had said goodbye to my kids. I lost it all over again. I hate crying in front of people.

That night I believe I cried harder than I ever have before. I couldn't cope with the thought that my baby girl would forget me. That I wouldn't go back to that house and go about life as I had know it for the past year. That I wouldn't have the chance to laugh at Brendan's antics every day, watch Teagan grow, develop her vocabulary beyond "Mum-mum", "num num", "Dog-dog" and "uh-oh!" But the hardest think for me was the knowledge that they don't know my Jesus. Oh how my heart breaks for them! And I know I did not use every opportunity, as I should have. I let the boundaries get in the way of what I could have done. I feel I have failed two, even four of the people I most love. And I couldn't handle it. The pain and loss was too much.

But my Father, Healer and Righteousness was there in those night hours to comfort me. He spoke peace to my heart and told me my work had not been in vain, that He would continue to work. I know my Jesus was crying with me that night, feeling the pain of loss, but still rejoicing in the beautiful work He is completing in me every day, and expectant for my future! One chapter of my life has come to a close, and there have been many failures and victories in it. The failures are reminders of what happens when I allow my flesh to have control, and the victories are trophies of God's presence in my heart! I am humbled and emboldened. And I look with great joy toward what He has planed for me!

"For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

 

"Something beautiful, something good.

All my confusion He understood.

All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife,

But He's making something beautiful out of my life."

 

I will praise You, oh God! For You have lifted me up! You have not made my enemies to rejoice over me! You have been my strong tower in the day when I was overwhelmed!

Praise Him with me, will you?

 

 

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May. 23, 2006 - Late night, good friends, and a DVD

Last night we went to the Bromleys... and didn't leave til 10. Ouch. But it was wonderful! We watched a video from the conference. A session I hadn't seen yet. It was basically about the vision of ATI... but that is really a vision to help families be what they should be! So you could ignore the ATI part and get SOOOO much out of it!!!!! It was wonderful!
He talked about what a Christian family's goals shouls be in home schooling. He talked about the misconceptions that lead to a 'melt down', as well as the focus the the Lord blesses. More on that another time.
Part of what he talked about was how we try to perfect our flesh. Use all the effort we have to be good people. But how that is NOT what we are called to as Christians! We are called to be filled with the Spirit! The flesh will ALWAYS be ugly. There is no changing that. It is only when we get our focus off becoming somebody good and instead strive to be filled with Someone that we will have success!
This guy is the president of ATI. And let me tell you, he is not perfect. He shared stories about how he gets angry with his kids, etc. But I love what he tells them. He says "Kids, this is Daddy in the flesh, and I know its not pretty, and never will be. I am going to spend some time praying now and get my heart right with the Lord, and when I am in the Spirit we will come back and talk about this."
It's called humility. Being willing for others to see how horrid you are, so that when you accomplish something they know it COULDN'T have been you, and was therefore ALL God. I want that kind of humility. That kind of openness. And I want to spend every minute of the rest of my life, not striving to live like a Christian, but to be filled with Christ.
Well, there is my speech for the day!

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May. 15, 2006 - Big Sandy update

The Big Sandy ATI Regional Training Conference was.... a life changing experience for me this year. And I don't call many things life changing. COMMIT, EXCEL, Malaysia. That's it. And of course it wasn't the place or even really the things said that did it, it was the time the Lord chose to work in me.
I won't claim the ministry is perfect by any means, but God has used it mightily in my family! And in so many others! I haven't seen anything like it elsewhere. The vision, love, and power of God... is awe-inspiring! We serve a great God! A POWERFUL God! A miracle working God! And I see this so clearly when in ATI environments! I am so thankful that my parents heart about this program and chose to join! What opportunities I have had because of it!!
 I had so many options of how to spend the week... and its always so hard to choose! Do I go to student sessions? Or teach COMMIT?  Or Children's Institute? I have done all those things in past years, but this year I chose to teach Pre-EXCEL. I had so much fun!!
By choosing to teach, I missed out on most of the sessions, but still was able to attend the evening sessions. Wow!! Talk about powerful stuff!! Every night I went to bed convicted of my own failure, selfishness, lack of self control and sin as well as the awesome power of God!!
Some of the things that stood out to me were: 1)The emphasis on engrafting Scripture into our lives. When does God promise to bless, give power, show Himself strong? When we know Him and His word. 2) You become what you think about. This goes right along with #1. As I think about the things I have spent time on this past year... I no longer wonder why I have felt the power of God lacking in my life! Don't get me wrong! Not everything has been harmful, or even just not best, but those things have been way to prevalent. 3) The awesome POWER of our God! I witnessed and heard about so many miracles that week! We serve a powerful God!!!! And it is SO exciting!!
And what a work God has been doing in me and my family since then! Especially in the area of accountability with authorities and openness with each other in general! Sin thrives in secrecy! And that we cannot allow! So I have been working on letting my family back into my life. I had no idea how far from this I had strayed! It is scary! But it has been such a blessing to make the effort to get those relationships back. We have had so much fun with each other this week! I am so incredibly excited to see where the Lord has us in a year. He is finally able to work in us again! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
I have also been working on memorizing and meditating on scripture. I'm working on John 15 and also going through the Psalms with Jonathan. It has been incredible! And I have had prayer sessions like I haven't in so long! And God has worked mightily!
I feel like I am being used again. Like the Lord is speaking through me as He hasn't before! It is an incredibly humbling yet thrilling feeling to know that the Lord has used YOU to make a difference in other's lives! But it is so obviously all Him that I couldn't even think of getting proud about it! I have seen my sin, this week, as never before. *shudder* But I have also seen the redeeming grace of God! Past failure's perfect purpose is to motivate our present and future! If I can learn lessons from my time of.... mediocrity then it has not been in vain! Though how my heart aches to realize the time I have wasted!
Thanks be to God who gives us the victory!
"Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen." Jude 24&25

Christy/Annabelle/Belle

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