May. 29, 2006 - Already?
It was a week for lasts. Monday morning came and I realized that it was my very last Monday with my darling children. (And here we draw a ragged sigh.) I went to Curves with Mom. And then headed over to Clarks. After picking Brendan up from Pre-K we went back to my house. Brendan wanted to play with Joshua one last time. (Am I allowed to start crying yet?) I had a piano lesson that evening. I have just started playing so my lessons are only about 20 minutes, however my teacher and I get along really well so I'm always there for 11/2-2 hours. Yes, we love to talk.
Tuesday I had to come to grips with the fact that this was my very last day by myself with B and Teagan. I also realized how they had become my life. I had spent the last year of my life with them. I was with them more than my own family. Home had become, to my shame, only a place to recuperate. I gave my life for these two children. I spent a lot of time out side with Teagan. I took some pictures. I was quickly realizing how acuity I would miss my darlings.
I took Brendan to McDonalds to play for the last time. He got his usual M&M McFlurry, and, as usual, I finished it for him. I couldn't even allow myself to think about these normal parts of life⦠becoming only a memory. (Crying now for sure and certain.) I gave Brendan a big hug before I left for the day.
Wednesday morning I drove to work with apprehension, praying continuously for strength and a proper perspective. I pulled in the driveway and saw a little white car... I had to fight the urge to hate it. I opened the garage, walked in the door and saw her. Sitting there talking to Shannon (the children's mother) and laughing at the antics of the ever active, ever imaginative Brendan. So this was her? This was the one who was taking my children away from me?
"No," a little voice in my spirit said, "you gave up the job. She is in no way spiteful." Of course. And she looked sweet.
Thus I met Samara. The grace of God swept over me and I was able to treat her with love through the day, share with her all I had learned by trial and error, tell her of the children's quirks, likes, dislikes, etc. She was kind, encouraging and fun. We had a good time together. She talked to Teagan but didn't push her too fast. She understood that Teagan was comfortable with me. I have to admit my heart jumped for joy when Teagan would reach for me if Samara got too close. My little girl was her sweet, funny, adorable self and I delighted in Samara's praise of her. She didn't need to tell me how wonderful my baby was, but I was so glad she noticed! She seemed surprised at how well Teagan is walking and frequently mentioned how smart she was.
We went together to pick Brendan up from school and went to a park for lunch. Brendan was delighted to have a new friend to play with! I mostly watched Teagan while Samara played a make-believe game with B.
Thursday I had to fight back tears before walking in the door. It was very likely that I would have Friday off, seeing how well Samara had done the day before. And that meant... No, I couldn't even think about it. "Lord? Oh Father! I beg You to fill me with Your Spirit today! I want to be a blessing, I want to make this a smooth transition for the kids, and Samara. I want to have a joyful spirit! Oh! Please show my kiddos how much I love them! Give us a special last day together. And Lord? Above all, please... oh! Please show the Clarks their need of You! Protect my darlings and put Your love in their hearts! Continue to draw them to Yourself even after I leave. Oh! Give me strength!"
Samara and I played with the kids on the play set for quite awhile before going in to put Teagan to bed. I was working on pulling back, letting the kids get to know Samara. I encouraged Teagan to go to her and even had Samara put her down for her nap. She cried for me, "Mum-mum", the whole time, but went to sleep quickly. While Samara was putting Teagan down Brendan was setting up a board game. I asked if I could play with him but he said he was waiting for Samara. I told him that that was my very last day as his nanny and that I would miss him very much and wanted to play with him while I could. This made sense to him and he included me the rest of the day like he hadn't the day before.
I would have really enjoyed having two adults it the house if it weren't for such a hard reason. We were able to get so much done! That house is never clean but we were able to get the first floor looking pretty good!
When Teagan woke up we packed into my car and headed up the mountain. I took them to one of my favorite parks. We walked around and then let the kids play in the river. Brendan found a friend and started collecting special rocks. He is so outgoing and friendly! All the kids love him! Teagan disliked the cold water at first but finally put her feet in the water as long as I was holding her. There is absolutely no better place for children to spend time than in the mountain air! It was lovely!
Brendan started quiet time when we got home, and I fed Teagan and took her up to her room. I knew this was my special time to say goodbye. I held her for a long time and prayed over her, and told her I loved her, and cried.
Samara and I looked at scrapbooks until Shannon got home. We talked about how the day had gone and decided that Samara would indeed be alright on her own the next day and that I would just be on call. I knew she wouldn't need me.
I struggled to keep my tears in check while we worked out the final details of transferring car seats and garage door openers. Shannon called Brendan out of quiet time and explained to him that his "Christy days" were over and that he would only have "Samara days" after that. B had a serious look on his face as he gave me a hug. I could no longer hold back the tears and quickly turned toward the door. Samara asked if I was ok, and said that she had cried on her last day with the kids she had been nannying before.
We went out to my car and got the stroller and seats out. Shannon gave me a big hug and whispered, "Thank you, sweetie." I hadn't realized until then how much I would miss her as well! We have come to be good friends over the past year.
Tears were running freely down my face as I pulled out the drive way. Brendan ran behind me yelling, "I love you, Christy! I love you!!"
I drove home in tears, carried my things into the house in tears, gathered my self together long enough to say hi to Stephanie A who was in the kitchen and then jump back in the car and head to my chiropractor's in tears. Mom was there and asked how I was doing which started me crying again. My chiropractor is wonderful, I can't hide anything from him. He asked how my day went and said I was all twisted up. Not exactly surprising seeing that I had been struggling physically for a couple weeks, and then knowing how emotions affect me so much physically. I drove home once again in tears.
All the A girls were there when I arrived home. I was determined to be cheerful. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord wants me to be done with this job. I am extremely excited about what He has planed for my summer! I didn't want to burden others with my pain. I did fine for about five minutes. Stephanie asked how my day was, and Mom said I was having a hard time because I had said goodbye to my kids. I lost it all over again. I hate crying in front of people.
That night I believe I cried harder than I ever have before. I couldn't cope with the thought that my baby girl would forget me. That I wouldn't go back to that house and go about life as I had know it for the past year. That I wouldn't have the chance to laugh at Brendan's antics every day, watch Teagan grow, develop her vocabulary beyond "Mum-mum", "num num", "Dog-dog" and "uh-oh!" But the hardest think for me was the knowledge that they don't know my Jesus. Oh how my heart breaks for them! And I know I did not use every opportunity, as I should have. I let the boundaries get in the way of what I could have done. I feel I have failed two, even four of the people I most love. And I couldn't handle it. The pain and loss was too much.
But my Father, Healer and Righteousness was there in those night hours to comfort me. He spoke peace to my heart and told me my work had not been in vain, that He would continue to work. I know my Jesus was crying with me that night, feeling the pain of loss, but still rejoicing in the beautiful work He is completing in me every day, and expectant for my future! One chapter of my life has come to a close, and there have been many failures and victories in it. The failures are reminders of what happens when I allow my flesh to have control, and the victories are trophies of God's presence in my heart! I am humbled and emboldened. And I look with great joy toward what He has planed for me!
"For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
"Something beautiful, something good.
All my confusion He understood.
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife,
But He's making something beautiful out of my life."
I will praise You, oh God! For You have lifted me up! You have not made my enemies to rejoice over me! You have been my strong tower in the day when I was overwhelmed!
Praise Him with me, will you?
