Dec. 19, 2007 - Hold them in your heart
Over the last eight years or so I have been deeply grieved as each month passes with the glaring evidence of no new pregnancy to be excited about. So many of my friends, both younger and older mothers, have borne the precious fruit of blessed wombs over and again...and as thrilled as I am for them my own heart aches for what I am missing out on.
This year I finally laid down *my* desires for more children and accepted God's more perfect plan for my life - whatever that entailed.
My womb had already brought forth seven children, then the Lord showed me His pleasure by extending our family tree and allowing me to greet three grandchildren into the world, one I even helped deliver. One of those grandchildren was quickly captured up again into His loving Father arms and awaits my own embrace in heaven. And now there is a fourth little grandchild only weeks away from making his appearance!
Eight years ago He led us to homeschool the youngest two of our brood and this has been more of a gift than I could ever have imagined. Each day a blessing, a trial, a miracle of love given and returned, a renewed hope.
God has been faithful to me always, though I often wander away with my own desires and ideas. In the acceptance of my still empty womb this year, I was finally able to accept His knowing what is best and I put my complete trust in that, and I asked Him to give me understanding and peace to stay in that place within my heart.
One thing that impacted me was the realisation that my pride had been bruised by my inability to have more children. I saw myself as a failure, I worried that others would think I did not want more children or I was doing something to prevent a pregnancy.
I felt I had failed as a mother so far and wanted an opportunity to 'do it again' and make up for the inadequacies of the past...I was envious that friends who felt the same had been given just such an opportunity.
I am almost at the end of my 49th year, and I see that much of the last decade has been spent pining for something that, at times, consumed my heart and made me blind to the treasures already in my care. A regret I have is that I could have built stronger relationships with some of my children in that time, relationships which now are tentative and fraught with heartache.
But God is Goodness, and Light, and Hope. He is my Teacher, my Father, my Saviour. What relationships I cannot save, He can. What I have not the understanding to learn, He can teach me. What hope I have lost, He can revive.
I am blessed beyond measure, and accepting what I *have before me now* is the chance I needed to strengthen the beautiful family still close to my heart. I am not looking back, but looking forward to the important things, the people, the love of Jesus, in my life and the life of our home.
I encourage you to look before you - what do you have already that you are not treasuring or nurturing as you should? Is your heart pining for something God is holding back from you?
Let your desires go, and embrace in your heart those gifts bestowed with love from above. Nurture them, tenderly embrace them, hold them deep within your heart and ponder them.
May Our Lady's example of total trust in what God had planned for her be your guide.
Comments
Dec. 19, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
Thank you for that wonderful reminder. I have a similar situation and long for another baby. Your words spoke to my heart. May God bless you.
Dec. 24, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by usaoz89
Your words always inspire me just when I need it. Thank you
Peace and Joy this Christmas and New Year to you and your family.
Dec. 25, 2007 - Hi Jenny
Posted by jugglingpaynes
This is a moving piece. I always find something new to learn about you. I don't know your older children, but I think you are doing an incredible job with the two you have. And according to my mom, being a grandmother is an incredible experience. Focusing on what is in front of us, yes, that is so important. I've found if I appreciate each God given moment I feel genuinely happy with my life. But I do need to remember to be thankful to avoid dwelling on the what ifs and whys.
I hope you are having (had?) a wonderful Christmas!!!! We have about an hour to midnight here. Thank you for the gift of your friendship and your daughter's friendship with mine. I am so glad I met you!
Jul. 9, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
Thank you for this post! I really needed to hear that.
My name is Maria Therese. After praying the rosary for a good Catholic husband for years, I met one on a Catholic Singles website. We were married on June 16th 2007 - I was almost forty one at the time of marriage and my husband was almost forty three (on August 2nd I will be forty two). We both would love to have a child and thought we'd have no problem being able to get pregnant. Unfortunately that wasn't the case. I had issues with ovarian cysts. When I had surgery on Feb. 12th to remove the two ovarian cysts, they discovered I had severe endometriosis. I never knew I had it.
We have now been trying for a year and I haven't been able to get pregnant once. Not once. Every month that goes by and we find out we haven't been successful, I cry. I try so hard to try to accept it and pray for graces, but it's very difficult especially when we have so many family and friends who are now pregnant.
Still though I always pick up my rosary and pray. I am still hoping and praying that someday we will be blessed with one child. However sometimes I feel so discouraged I feel like giving up.
Thank you for your post!
my email is: prayrosary4life@aol.com
May God Bless you.
Maria Therese In Mass
