Knights Becoming and a Lady in Waiting

Is Anyone Home?

Wow.  Have I really been gone from blogging for this long?  Oddly enough, I think about blogging often; I still compose entries in my head.  But I was recently blessed with what seemed to be a vibrant homeschooling community to interact with in person, so I was spending less time online.  I also worked more at the YMCA, so I was home less.  All said... I was living life for a while, rather than writing about it.

I was made to write, though.  When I don't write, everything gets backed up inside.  I sleep less well and I blow up over littler things.  So here I am, back to writing, as my world suddenly got knocked on its side this week.

I help teach the homeschool swimming at our local YMCA.  A fellow homeschooling mom and I teach eight energetic kids from four-years-old to ten-years-old, the basics of swimming.  They're all fairly comfortable in the water, but none of them can swim half a length of the pool alone. 

To keep the kids safer, we have them sit against the wall until we're working with them.  The weather has been nice, so it hasn't been too cold to be sitting out.  We are able to take two kids apiece-- four each trip-- and get in some good distance/ endurance training while we're working with them.

At the end of the lesson, we take the kids to the deep end and practice jumping in and diving.  I was working with one of the four-year-olds (the only non-homeschooled kid in the class) and his mother was trying to help.  I asked in a polite way if she could let us do the teaching (she has prior swim experience, but having someone who is not employed by the Y near the pool teaching is a liability issue for our insurance) and suddenly an attack broke loose.  No need to go over the entire episode; enough to say that this tired and frustrated mom let her temper get the best of her and stalked off, declaring she'd quit.  (My boss had quite the words with me about the quit scare, but was otherwise understanding).

Fast-forward five hours later and I get a call from a homeschooling friend I haven't talked to for a while.  Our family didn't participate in the local co-op this semester because I thought it was too much for my kids, so I miss seeing some of our friends.  I run a couple of programs for the homeschooling community and had stopped by twice this semester to either drop-off or pick-up materials, but had both visits cut short by my children deciding to act out, so I was very much enjoying the talk until the fateful, "I have some, sort of, bad news, by the way."

My friend proceded to tell me that I was no longer allowed at the co-op (she is on the board) because a) my children were disruptive (had she stopped there, I would have felt badly, but understood!) and b) I was using the co-op time for "socialization and free babysitting".  Ouch.

Having gone back over my two visits to the co-op numerous times in the last four days (usually when I should be sleeping), I can see that viewpoint, but to have my friend say it in such a manner was deeply wounding.  Also, to discover that several of my friends (all of whom are on the co-op board) have been discussing me in such a manner for nearly two months now, but none chose to discuss it with ME in a loving manner has set me back on my heels.

In their defense, all these women are low-energy, low-confrontation types.  My children are definitely energetic and, on the last time I was at the co-op, I was NOT the most diligent mother I could have (should have) been.  I totally acknowledge my at-fault there.  I am also, as noted in the swimming story above, tempermental and moody and do tend to let my emotions control me far more than they should.

That doesn't stop the hurt that not one of these ladies cared for me enough to talk to me, confront me in a loving manner, and tell me what was going on.  The Bible says, "Speak the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15) and asks older women (I am younger by at least five years than each of these women and they all have at least one teen) to "train the younger women to love their husbands and children" (Titus 2:4).  My mother is 1900 miles away, so I definitely look to older women in the Christian homeschooling community and my church to provide guidance.

Not one of these ladies (five of them) sat me down and tried to talk to me.  Even as I type this, that part hits me again right through the chest.  Instead, I was given an official notice over the telephone to no longer participate in a homeschooing activity in a way that was deeply hurting and still wrings my  heart.

I've always found the HSB community to be fairly honest and yet caring, so I guess I have returned because I still trust you.  While I am daily giving up the bitterness and anger that has come from this result, trusting those particular ladies with my heart will be much more difficult.

So, here I am.  Back home, so to speak, rather like a prodigal son.  I only pray that one day I can say to those ladies, like Joseph near the end of Genesis, that what they intended for harm (not that I think they deliberately tried to hurt me, but it's the closest parallel I can manage!), God has brought to good.

Someday.

Anger Anonymous: Step Eight

8.  Make a list of all people I have wronged in my anger and be willing to make amends to them all.

*blanch*  Have you ever stopped to think about how many people a sin or action of yours wrongs?  When it's something as long-term as this anger has been for me, the list can get pretty long.  I can't list it all here-- you would all go to sleep or close this window and I just can't make myself show you all exactly how much I've wounded my Lord-- but here are a few key players:

• God-- every single time I sin in anger, I put Christ back on that cross, bleeding, suffering and dying for me.  I hurt my Father, who created me and who loves me.  I grieve the Spirit, who would intercede for me.
• My husband-- my DH never EVER starts our fights.  In fact, he usually ignores my attempts to have a fight until I force it on him.  Unfortunately, my anger has overflowed into him and he is no longer as patient with the kids or as easy going about perceived wrongs.  This is due to MY influence.
• My children-- ARGH!  This is the only real reason I ever consider sending my children to public school.  From me, my children have learned no self-control.  They have learned to scream at each other.  They have learned a few choice words that I never wanted to hear from my mouth, let alone theirs.  They have also learned to flinch when they err, because Mommy might yell.  They have learned to be guarded.  I have done this.  There is nothing in the world that can destroy your spirit as much as having your parent yell at you-- unless it is to see the look in your children's eyes when you are the cause of their pain.  I am not sure the damage can ever be completely healed... but I will trust in God for His mercy and grace.
• My mother-- it saddens her deeply, I know, to see me both failing in this area and to know how torn my spirit is from my inability to get this under my control
• B. Zaneri-- I worked for her (and two men) just before Prince Berryboy was born.  She did not like to work with other women and I couldn't do anything right around her.  I grew to resent her and instead of acting in a Christian manner, I displayed both rebellion and anger.  I made her job harder when my job was to make hers easier.

Those are the ones that stand out.  Those are the ones for which I most need to make amends.  Most of them are easy (in theory), but finding Ms. Zaneri and making amends may be a very hard project.

And that is how it should be.

24 "Teach me, and I will be quiet;
       show me where I have been wrong.

Job 6:24

 

6 We have sinned, even as our fathers did;
       we have done wrong and acted wickedly.

Psalm 106:6

 

 

Anger Anonymous: Step Seven

7.  Humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings.

Okay, part of me has been busy, but part of me just didn't want to do this last bit of yielding control.  You see, I've learned that once I really ask God to do something, especially something that will result in His glory... well, He does it.  The problem is that He doesn't always do it in the way I want!

Oh, alright.  I'm not all that good at humble, either.

Humble.  Not proud.  Willing to serve.  Willing to admit weakness, faults, needs.  Ooh.  Okay, that one gets me.  I can never admit that I need someone else.  I don't know why.  I've just always been self-sufficient.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I know in my head that I need God.  I can't get to Heaven (let alone 5 o'clock) without Him.  But knowing I need Him and forcing myself to admit I need Him... different birds entirely.

Dictionary.com says that humble means: marked by meekness or modesty in behavior, attitude, or spirit; not arrogant or prideful.  Showing deferential or submissive respect.

Meekness- the feeling of patient submissive humbleness  (Patient??  I not only have to admit I have needs, but I have to be patient about it?  Every time God wants to teach me patience, He sends me a crisis!)

Arrogant- having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.  (Ouch!  Overbearing self-worth-- like I'm worthy to even be alive without Christ.  Self-importance?  Yes.  I do that.  I think that I have some value over and beyond what Christ gives me.  I don't even belong to me.)

Prideful- disdainful or scornful.  (Am I scornful of the great gift you give me, Lord?  Is that where my pride comes from?)

Deferential- showing submission or courteous yielding to the opinons, wishes, or judgement of another.  (Courteous yielding??  So it's not enough to just yield; I have to do it in a courteous manner??  I'm not sure I can get past this step!)

Alright, Lord.  I ask you, submissive to your will-- and not fighting it!-- to take these shortcomings from me.  I am of no value on my own; it's only as Your child that I have worth.  I am currently wasting the gifts You've given me as I spend time in anger, remorse, and recovery.  Lord, I ask you to take this from me if it is to Your glory.  If it's not, I ask You to give me the strength-- the weakness-- to rely on You for my self-control. 

I suspect I'll be reporting a lot of stress in my life in the near future.  God seems to work me through my faults, rather than taking them from me.  Not that I won't take it as an undeserved but entirely welcome gift if He does take this fault and just toss it away; I'm simply not expecting it.

2 Chronicles 7:14
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Anger Anonymous: Step Six

I've delayed this entry for a couple of days.  I've been busy and didn't want to rush the entry, but I also was delaying for a far more selfish reason.  This next step is:

6.  Be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character [and to replace them with fruits of the Spirit].

Am I entirely ready?  Do I really want to let go?  I hide behind anger so often when I want to fight against burn-out or stress or just plain old apathy.  Anger motivates me at times, fuels me to get things done. 

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure that anger in THAT guise is entirely wrong.

However, like the alcoholic who can't take one drink because it would lead to more, I can't partake of even "good" anger because it wouldn't stop there.  When I indulge my anger, it becomes the driving force in my life.  That's not what I want; it's certainly not what God has planned for me.

So, like the alcoholic, I am going to give up anger.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm still going to slip.  I will probably still fail.  But I will "get back on the wagon" each time.  I will confess my failure.  I will put God back in control, rather than my emotions.

I have to admit, confessing all this to people, rather than just God, has made it more... humbling.  I don't exactly understand why.  Maybe it's because I know God will love me, even when I fail.  I think you will all still love or like me, but maybe you won't.  There may be some of you out there who are shaking your heads at me right this minute.  You know what?  That's okay.  I've been you.  I have sat back and tsk'd at a Christian who was obviously struggling with a sin.  Rather than feeling compassion, I felt pride (that I wasn't struggling in that area) and censure (how could they fall prey to something so easy to overcome?).  I know where you're coming from.

I do wonder, though, if this is how the Catholic tradition of confession to a priest started.  You don't want someone who will tell your failings to everyone-- you'd be less likely to be completely honest.  But you want to tell another human, another sinner... another person who FAILS.  In the same way, here I am telling you all.  Many of you may not have the same area of struggle, but I can rest assured that you all have an area you struggle with-- and that gives me a certain peace in "confessing" to you.

So here I am at this point.  God, I am willing to give up my anger-- and not just the anger itself, but any rights to anger.  I cannot indulge myself in this area because it is too great a temptation for me to overindulge and to slip from temptation to sin.  I ask you to help me as I encounter this area of struggle over and over each day, starting with today.  I would ask that you replace anger in my life with:

• love-- for love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8)
• joy-- for the joy of the Lord is my strength (Nehemiah 8:10)
• peace-- to turn from evil and seek good (Psalm 34:14)
• patience-- to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:110
• kindness-- which leads to repentance (Romans 2:4)
• goodness-- not my own, which is transitory, but God's, which delivers me from my enemies and myself alike (Psalm 109:21)
• faithfulness-- for through love and faithfulness, sin is atoned for and God is faithful to those who call on Him (Proverbs 16:6 and Psalm 86:15)
• gentleness-- for a gentle answer turns away wrath (Proverbs 15:1) [and I used to think it just turned away the wrath of the other person, but I've noticed lately that if I speak gently, it turns away my own wrath, too!]
• self-control-- which is really controlled by God's Spirit (2 Timothy 1:7)

Each of these could easily fill many entries on its own.  Perhaps one day they may.  For today, it is enough that I am entirely ready to have God use these traits (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) to remove anger from me-- and keep it from me.  Not forever.  Not even necessarily for the rest of a day.  But for this portion, this hour, this minute... until I ask him, again, for the next.

Hear my cry, O God;

attend unto my prayer.

From the end of the earth will I cry unto Thee,

When my heart is overwhelmed:

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For Thou hast been a shelter for me,

and a strong tower from the enemy.

I will abide in Thy tabernacle forever;

I will trust in the cover of Thy wings.

Selah.

 

Psalm 61:1-4

Anger Anonymous: Step Five

5.  Admit to God, myself, and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.

I have always had a quick temper, but I have not always been an angry person.  When I was a child, I got angry very quickly over very stupid things-- and then got over it.  I never held a grudge.  I couldn't even remember the incident by the next day.

I am trying to remember the first time that I started holding a grudge.  I know I got through high school without grudges.  I think I even got through early college.

I wonder if I started holding grudges when I married a non-Christian?

Don't get me wrong.  I'm NOT blaming him for my problems!  At least, I'm not blaming him for it now.  But I think I've resented my husband for a lot things as time has gone by.

• I wasn't married in my home church by my family pastor
• I don't have that "Circle of Two" relationship with my husband
• I have three boys, but I am trying to be the Godly example in their life-- while having to be their spiritual mentor.  How can I demonstrate wifely submission when I am not allowed to be submissive?

So I definitely have some resentment... I guess that translates to a grudge.  Ouch.

I also learned a lot about my sisters after I was married.  They did a lot of things without me.  Some of the things they did without me I'm quite happy I to have been excluded from.  Others, though... leave me hurt that I didn't get a chance to have my sisters be my best friends.

I had a lot of resentment in jobs I worked after my marriage (well, mostly one job).  I still simmer when I think of that job.

My maid of honor didn't ask me to be in her wedding-- even though she had three bridesmaids and one she had only known a few weeks.

My children aren't perfect.  Doesn't that reflect on ME?

I can't keep my house clean like I'd like it, make the meals I envision, keep a tidy yard, or keep up with any of my hobbies.  I can't even do homeschooling how I envision it.

Ooh.  Okay.  I guess with all that simmering below the surface, there's plenty of opportunity to be bitter.

I wasn't too bad when my first son was born.  I had few stressors in my life and I got to spend all day, every day, with a infant/ baby/ toddler.

When my second son was born, not only did I worry about my first son waking HIM up, but DH worked the night shift, so I worried about waking Daddy up, too.  Worry translated into anger when my kids didn't see the "common" courtesy I expected of them.

Aiee.  Seeing it all in print is very humbling.  How... prideful and wrong to expect my children to know how to be polite-- and to expect growing little boys to be endlessly quiet.

Am I angry when I wake up?  Sometimes.  Some days I haven't slept and I resent having to get up to take care of other people.  Some days I've actually slept very well and I just want to finish my dream!  Other days I wake up to a certain Prince already making messes for me to clean up-- and I haven't even started my day yet!

Am I angry when I go to bed?  Sometimes.  Some days I have that last argument with my husband and I am so exhausted from the sheer emotion that I fall asleep with all that balled up inside me.

Obviously I am angry many times in between.  I yell at my children.  Not just a "You stop that right now!", but a tirade of angry and *wince* yes, sometimes abusive words that hurt my little ones.  I never had a foul mouth before (I never used strong language at all), but it flows freely when I am angry now. 

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart.  For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.  Luke 6:45

How to fight that?

From the rising of the sun to the going down of the same the LORD's name is to be praised.  Psalm 113:3

 

Pray without ceasing.  1 Thessalonians 5:17

 

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all of these things will be given to you as well.  Matthew 6:33

I certainly hope Step Six gives me somewhere to go with this sad inventory of my life.  I was strongly debating keeping this to myself so I could be more honest, but I decided to try to be as honest as possible anyway and still share it.  Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else out there who is struggling.  You are not alone.  I also couldn't think of anyone else to share this all with for Step Five.  Will there be some who judge me?  There might.  Will there be some who love me anyway?  Yes.  I've seen that again and again.

Here it is, in black and white.  The ugly side of me.  The human side of me.  The side of me that I want to give over to God and let Him take control of, because I obviously am in a losing battle.  Step Five: Admit to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.  Fini.

Anger Anonymous: Step Four

I just carefully read what Step Four will entail.

4.  Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

This isn't something I can do in a few minutes in the morning or while the kids watch a 30-minute video.  This is going to take time and quiet.  I don't see this happening until either Saturday night (stay up late) or Sunday morning (get up early).  Until then, I will be thinking about this, but holding off on the entry.

More later.

[Edit:  I decided to leave this as Step Four.  I've done the searching inventory-- prayerfully and intensively.  See the next entry for Step Five.]

Anger Anonymous: Step Three

Update:  Restoration, restoration.   I have failed more than once in the last few days, but learning to allow God to restore me to purity has at least made the lessons worthwhile.  I am becoming excited over the progress God is making in me and, although I realise this will be a life-long struggle, it is becoming a "thorn" that God can use for His glory (and to keep me humble).  [see 2 Corinthians 12:7-10]

3.  Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God [as He is shown in the Bible].

Oh, and I thought #1 was hard!  I dedicated my life to God a long time ago, but I've noticed that I haven't really turned it ALL over to Him.   Television?  "Well, yes, God, I'm watching this show and it's not exactly what You would have me watch, but it's not a BAD show.  It's just not particularly a GOOD show.  But I have to sit here anyway to nurse, so I'll just watch it until I'm done and then I'll turn it off."

Do you ever make deals with God like that?  I mean, it should be one of the first clues we get when we say, 'Yes, BUT...".  Yes, I'll spend more time in prayer, BUT I'll have to wait until the kids start sleeping through the night better.  Yes, I'll stop procrastinating about my Bible study, BUT it will have to wait until I finish the school schedule for next year.  BUT BUT BUT.

I do the same thing with my will.  I will do what God wants perfectly-- as long as it coincides with what I want.  Otherwise, I have a stubborn "streak" that far outpaces my humble, submissive streak.  I do that with my husband, too.  I will cheerfully follow his (rare) directives and even encourage [*cough* push] him to be a leader-- until he comes up with a plan I don't like.  Then I dig in my heels and get ready to win a tug-of-war.

No more.  I cannot control my temper, but God will not control it until I give up that control to Him. 

He... gives grace to the humble. (Proverbs 3:34)

 

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live by bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.  (Deuteronomy 8:3)

Humble me, O Lord.  Take away my spirit of pride and contention and make me a submissive servant.  My will and my life are not mine, they are Yours.  Use them to glorify You and take this anger-sin far from me.

He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way. (Psalm 25:9)

Anger Anonymous: Step Two

Update:  Just acknowledging that I don't have the power to change myself has made a huge difference.  I still lost my temper twice, but the immediate shock afterwards and re-yielding was freeing!  As a do-it-yourselfer, learning that I can't do-it-myself is going to have a steep learning curve, but it will be so worth the effort.

2.  Believe that a power greater than myself [God] can restore me to sanity [purity].

I'm not interested in returning to sanity.  Most of my family would tell you either that I was never there in the first place or the trip would take so long that I'd be lost before I got there.  I am very much interested in returning to purity.  The worst thing about being angry all the time is that I never completely yielded my sin.  Instead, I carried it around with me, protesting that I really am trying to work on that area of my life, but trapped in my own helplessness.  I want to be washed clean... and only God can do that.

Have you ever tried to remove a spot from an article of clothing?  With three boys in the house, I'm actually pretty good at getting out stains.  Between baking soda, vinegar, a good scrub brush, and an occasional dunk in the Oxy-Clean stuff, there aren't too many spots that I can't conquer.  Every once in a while, though, I come across something that requires a professional (or someone who is even more determined than I am).

There are some sins in my life that I can yield up without any problems.  When we miscarried our second child, I never once doubted God's loving concern.  I was never tempted to rant and rail at Him.  Then there's the sins I have to work at yielding on a daily-- if not hourly-- basis.  Anger is one of these.  If I do not consciously stop and hand my anger over to God, it can take me over as quickly as my daughter can dump out the toys in the toy bin.  On the other hand, if I give it over to God, then I'm aware of it, aware that I'm making choices about it... and I have the Holy Spirit to guide me.

Who can say, "I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin?" (Proverbs 20:9)

 

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)

 

Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. (2 Timothy 2:22)

God can restore me to purity.  God can create a pure heart in me. 

Anger Anonymous: Step One

Okay, so I'm starting my new Anger Anonymous program.  I looked up the 12-steps on the AA site.  They are:

1.  Admit that I am powerless over [anger]- that my life has become unmanageable.

2.  Believe that a power greater than myself [God] can restore me to sanity [purity].

3.  Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God [as He is shown in the Bible].

4.  Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

5.  Admit to God, myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.

6.  Be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character [and to replace them with fruits of the Spirit].

7.  Humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings.

8.  Make a list of all people I have wronged in my anger and be willing to make amends to them all.

9.  Make direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure themselves or others.

10.  Continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong, to promptly admit it.

11.  Seek, through active prayer, to improve my [relationship] with God and to pray for knowledge of His will and the power to carry out His will.

12.  As I have a spiritual re-awakening as the result of these steps, to carry this message to other [angry, sinning Christians] and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

The AA site makes allowances for variances in belief that I (and the Bible) do not, so I have made little changes, most of them in brackets.  But this is the path I am going to walk down.  Let's start with Step One.

1.  Admit that I am powerless over my anger and that my life has become unmanageable.

I have tried everything known to man to control my anger.  Counting, running, walking away, making lists, journaling, making amends.  None of it works.  I still go back to being angry. 

"I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  (Romans 7:15)

" For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the eveil I do not want to do-- this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."  (Romans 7:18b-20)

I am sinful.  The sin I struggle with most is my anger.  I cannot control it myself.  It is the thorn in my side that makes me stumble... again and again.  I cannot control it myself.  It truly has made my life unmanageable.  I dread my children acting up because I might lose my temper and snap at them.  I dread my husband doing one of his "whatever" responses, because I might fly off the handle.

I canNOT control my anger.

That is Step One.  But if I stopped there until I took Step Two, I would become so depressed that I might never take Step Two.  So I will leave you with this:

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I am angry.  But, oh, as I give this weakness over to God, I am prepared to see Him use it to His glory!  When I am weak-- and admit it!-- then I am strong.

Anger Anonymous: Introduction

[Oops.  Yeah, I'm a little past my August 2nd return date.  Sorry.  Got caught up in some stuff that distracted me for a bit. ]

I've recently decided that anger may be the most denied sin in Christianity.  I think it's more ****ing to admit to being an angry person than it is to being a free-spender, a clutter-bug, or being lustful.  Admitting your angry is about tantamount to admitting that you like to kill small animals and tear their heads off.  (Okay, some angry people do do this, but that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.)

There's an AA-style group for almost everything-- but when I Googled(tm) "anger support", there were only a handful of sites that actually dealt with the issue of anger management on the first three pages.  The movie Anger Management makes fun of being angry.  Parents hide even the thought that they might be angry sometimes because it could raise the question of abuse.

Okay, let's just stop right here.  I am an angry person.  I admit it.  "My name is Chelo, and I'm an anger-holic.  It has been 30 minutes and 19 seconds since my last angry thought and only 14 hours, 10 minutes, and 3 seconds since my last angry outburst."  I get angry.

Now, let's take this a step further.  All those perfect-seeming people around me-- you included-- get angry.  Sure, some of you get angry and immediately sublimate that anger inside.  Some of you get angry and work it off in physical activity.  Some of you attack the problem, finding a solution.  A few of you have even learned how to give your anger to God.  But we all get angry.

One more step: God becomes angry.  Now His anger is a righteous anger, but He still feels anger.  Jesus felt anger.  They didn't sin in anger, but they did have anger.

Of course, there are Biblical examples of sinning in anger.  It starts with Cain and Abel, moves on to Moses (remember him beating that poor rock just because he was frustrated?), and carries through to Peter cutting off a guy's ear a la Van Gogh because he was angry (and a little fearful) that they were coming to take away his lord.

Okay, so we get angry.  Really, getting angry isn't the issue.  The issue is when you get angry and can't find a bit of self-control.  Ephesians 4:26 says, "Be angry and do not sin," while Proverbs 29:22 says in the second-half, "... a hot-tempered [man] commits many sins."  It is a struggle to get angry and not fly off the handle for some of us.  This has always been my biggest problem with anger.  I get mad and I let the world know it.

There is another type of sin with anger.  Sometimes we get angry and keep it inside.  This is just as much a sin as flying off the handle.  The second-half of Ephesians 4:26 says "Do not let the sun go down on your anger."  The first half of Proverbs 29:22 says something similar: "An angry man stirs up dissension."  People who fly off the handle don't stir up dissension.  They may leave a wake of destruction in their path, but they get past it and move on.  Angry people who keep it inside stir up dissension.

I used to just be the first type.  I'd fly off the handle and into a fury faster than the other person could finish the perceived insult or injury.  Ten minutes later, not only was I not angry, but I was truly penitent.

Something has happened lately.  I stay angry.  I harbor grudges and let tiny wounds fester.  This isn't something I'm proud of, mind you.  It kills a small part of my spirit each time I admit to my anger.  I can feel it simmering below the surface some days, tightly lidded, but ready to explode the moment the cover is lifted.

I'm not living in anger anymore.  Alcoholics Anonymous uses a 12-step program that admits that they can't control their alcoholism themselves.  I'm going to go through a 12-step AA program of my own... Anger Anonymous.  I invite you to join me as I take the steps through this program to find release (in God, not in the program!) from my anger.