Jun. 7, 2009 - This is mine; I claim this. Your promises sustain me. Like captain bound to ship, Id rather sink than swim.
It was an okay day today. I think it should have been a good day, but I was kinda depressed. Situations have no control over my mood. When I'm happy, bad days are good. When I'm sad, good days are bad. I think I'm usually in a bad mood. ;D I'm alright, though. I'm always alright. ^_^
I'm really trying to persuade my parents to let me get back into martial arts again. Only they don't have a lot of time to take me, or a lot of money. It's the best motivation I have to get my permit and get a job, though. Anyways, they started doing Judo at the martial arts place. Which is ground fighting (that includes wrestling, throws, falls, etc.) with rape scenarios. Which is by far my favorite thing to do ever. And I am so excited to do it. My friend does it, and we were talking today, and I was, like, about to attempt a wall flip I was so psyched. I didn't, though. Which is good 'cause I probably would have killed myself. It's good to feel excited about something.
It's getting really hot outside, with lots of bugs. Neither of which I like very much. My family is basically living off of lettuce right now. We have so much in our garden, and people keep on giving it to us from their gardens. I like salad, but even I am sick of it. After complaining, mom says, "If we got lettuce, we're eatin' it!" So that's that. We eat it for every meal except breakfast.
I'm going to Malawi with my church this summer. But I feel guilty that I am going to Africa when I really want to be going to India. Which dampens my excitement. And then I feel guilty about that. And then I feel guilty about feeling guilty. And I just don't know.... I really need God, and I really need guidance. About this, and other things in my life. I'm not getting it though.
I have to go clean up the kitchen from dinner. A salad dinner, of course. ;D Sorry for such a sappy post, with no icons. 0.0 I'll do better next time.
Jun. 2, 2009 - //*Theres a wordless cry in your violet eyes. I cant tell a lie, youre this life of mine. (Ah, and its killing me.) *//
Hey guys. Update on my goat: She's gonna live!! We all thought she was dying, but we brought her to the vet, he gave her some shots, and he said he sees no reason for her to die. I'm sooo happy. =D Praise God!
xD Many more icons. Oh, and I have a stupid random bit of story I wrote today which I thought I would post. *shrugs* *cheeky grin*
“I don’t think you’re being completely honest with me,” he said.
I felt that familiar gnawing in the pit of my stomach, that deep humiliation that made me want to gag. The palms of my hands were sweaty, so I wiped them on my thighs, keeping my gaze one level lower than his face.
He went on. “Remember our deal, Kal? I’m sure you do. You have to keep your part of it if...”
I allowed his words to go right over my head, willed them to blur in the distance. I studied his neck, the muscles that stood out like taunt cords, the way you could almost see the words rising up his throat...
“.....KAL!”
I jumped and looked up. The soft murmur had ceased. He was looking down at me, something like icy fire in his blue eyes. The words weren’t rising on his throat anymore. I blinked innocently and swallowed a mouthful of saliva, afraid that I would be sick. I willed this lecture to be over so that I could escape somewhere alone, where I could force that rising dread back where it belonged.
“Kal, I need to talk to you. I know you don’t want to listen to me or answer any of my questions, but you have to be honest with me. You have to listen. Alright?”
I shifted onto my left foot and nodded. Anything to get this over with....
“Where did you go?” he asked bluntly.
My mouth felt dry and chalky. I ran my tongue over my lips. “I went for a walk. I wanted to get away for a little.”
“Where?”
“Just through the woods, wondering aimlessly. Nowhere, really.”
“You were supposed to be back before nightfall.”
I didn’t say anything, looked down at my feet.
“You’re still not being honest with me.”
He laid both of his hands on my shoulders. His hands were big and rested on my thin wiry shoulders like bags of sand. I felt the muscles in my shoulders flex involuntarily the second he touched me. And then I felt all the muscles in my body go rigid in response, one after the other, until muscles I never knew I had before began to ache.
“Look at me, Kal.”
I forced my head to lift, forced my eyes to meet his eyes. I could feel his eyes looking into mine, seeming to look down into my very soul. And I felt that dread rise up, felt that humiliation surface to the top. I began to tremble. Maybe it was because my muscles were so taunt, or maybe it was because of that rising dread. There was a sensation like I was floating under his hands.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I whispered. My mind drew a blank, like someone turned it off. It only lasted for a second, though. A blink of an eye. Then I was on my knees on the ground without knowing how I had gotten there. I was dry heaving. Only nothing would come up, because my stomach was so empty.
It passed, leaving me weak and on my knees with my face to the ground. Carson was kneeling across from me. He took my head in his hands and pulled my head gently onto his lap to rest.
May. 30, 2009 - <3//Body is wearing, my mind can hardly think. Eyes like oceans, I am submarine. Rise now, courage in me. Replace the fears that had controlled me. Use these weak hands to bring hope to the broken and love to the refugee//<3
My baby goat is dying. I'm not very sad--- just kind of annoyed. I wish she would hurry up and die already. She's been suffering all day, and my mom is really upset. Mom has been doing everything that she can to keep the goat alive, but it's not working. Monika is my goat, and I'm not even as upset as my mom is. I mean, I'm sad, but it's all inside so far away that I don't even feel it much. xP
We're not sure how she got sick. Goats tend to die quickly without much notice. But we think it was the milk-replacer and she got bloated.
It's driving me crazy. Today had been so rotten... like, really crappy. Gah, I wish it was bed time so I could go to sleep. I wish Monika Rose Paprika would die so my mom can get over it. She loves that goat.
I have a sick amount of icons I downloaded today, with nothing else to do but watch a goat die. Hopefully this page won't take a long time loading. ;P
May. 29, 2009 - ...If they only knew how beautiful you are inside, Like the ocean in all its glory and the morning tide, I think I would have long since died....
Just icons in this entry. I have so many icons and images, it's getting crazy. Here are a couple for you to use. =] I hope you like them.
May. 27, 2009 - //And you should feel the sun in spring/Coming out after a rain/Suddenly all is green/Sunshine on everything, [I can feel it now/can feel You now]//
Life's pretty good right now, I guess. With up's and down's, of course, but all around pretty placid. It's usually cool outside and sunny with a slight breeze. But there has been some storms that creep up suddenly with a dark rumbling sky and eerie green light. I love those the best.
The other day I was walking up my long windy dirt road with my friend. And someone was target shooting with a handgun somewhere in the woods. And when I heard it, I fell flat on my face in the middle of the road. Not very cool. And before I could pick myself up again, my neighbor came speeding around the corner in her car. Not cool at all. She pulled over and was like, "Hi, what are you doing?" And I was like.... o.o "Nothing."
And my friend has been laughing her head off at me every since. >_<
I'm kind of skiddish/suspicious/ super-self-defensive/don't-get-in-my-space-ish.
My friends know not to touch me when I'm not expecting it or that I'll react without thinking. People that don't know me too well find out pretty quickly. ^_^ It's not the coolest, but whatever. It gives me some funny and embarrassing stories. Bwaha.
xD Anyway, don't have much to write. I'll post some icons next time. Promisssse.
May. 18, 2009 - We wouldn't feel hope if there was nothing to hope for...
I just ate home-made sugar-free goat-milk ice-cream that tasted remotely of wheat-grass juice. I don't know why. That wheat-grass taste just tends to spread to everything. Beware of becoming a grass-drinking health-freak. Seriously. I'm probably the only kid who eats home-made sugar-free goat-milk ice-cream that tastes like wheat-grass juice.
I got a new baby goat! Her name is Monika Rose Paprika. And, in case you can't tell, she's a red color. And she's so adorable. I have to bottle-feed her three times a day. She won't let anyone do it, only me. She follows me around everywhere, and bleats when I leave her. Makes me feel so loved.... in a peevish sort of way. haha.
Nothing much else to add. Mom and I are going to pick up a grain-order tonight in New York. We have about a year's supply of grain in the basement right now.... Which I maybe shouldn't have added. ^_^
May. 13, 2009 - >>Your love reaches past the stars and it reaches me here on earth, and it's all I need, all I need<<
I had a really incredible day today hanging out with some really cool people. We were out in the woods and we built a fire and made bowls out of chunks of log. We did it like the American Indians burning out their canoes, except on a much smaller scale.
You take hot coals from the fire, put them on your chunk of wood, and blow on them until a flame starts. Then, when it burns out, you scrape away the black charcoal inside. Sound simple? Not! It's really time-consuming, and you don't get anywhere very fast. After a whole day of working on these, I didn't get very far. But we were just hangin', so it was cool.
I breathed in so much smoke. My eyes took such a beating that they still sting.
We played a game around the fire. You pick out a burning coal from the middle of the fire, rattle it in your cupped hand while blowing on it, (so it stays hot) and pass it around the circle. It's a more intense version of hot-potato, see? xD My hands are a bit blistered right now, but it was amazingly fun. You're hands turn really hard after a while. We painted our faces with ashes, too, like war-paint. haha
Ooh. And I kinda started a novel, but I deleted it. Because I need to brain-storm it out some more and I'm too busy to keep it up right now. xP I'm still planning on getting to it, but right now I just can't do it. But I have icons. =D Be happy.
May. 9, 2009 - *//He teaches my hands to make war, So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze//*
I am so sickly happy. I took my MRT test today and PASSED! I am now on the ambulence and can go on calls! Yeah! God is sooo good. I don't do many tests, especially in public settings. But I've read about it in story books and they nearly always describe it as "Perfect silence. There was no sounds but the sporadic scratching of pencil against paper, the occasional flip of a page, and the never-sceasing highly-obnoxious ticking of the clock." And it was JUST like that. I never want to study or take another test again! Sadly, that can't be helped as now I have to work on my permit. Gah. >_< hehe
My Daddy has been in Malawi, Africa the last few weeks doing Mission work. I am SO happy for him! We lost communication for a while there, but we got service again, and it just sounds like the trip is going great. I'm sure he'll have tons of stories of what God is doing over there in those dirt-poor villages and those beautiful joyful people, when he gets back. And he's getting back tomorrow! I'm really happy that he went, but now I'm happy he's coming back, 'cause nothing's the same without Dad. It's kinda cool how when he's in American he's daddy to me and all my six siblings, and when he's in africa he's Dad to hundreds of orphans. =D
Ooh yeah, and I'm thinking of starting a story blog on this HB acount where I post chapters of a story as I write it. Because I've been so horrid at keeping up with my writing lately, and need a new story to write! So I'll brain-storm, and keep posted for a new upcoming novel.
Apr. 6, 2009 - I opened my eyes and looked up at the rain, and it dripped in my head and flowed into my brain
The rain looks like mist because it's falling really fast and thin. Like a gray cloud. The sky was dark but now it's bright white.
I'm really sleepy. Because it's Monday. And because it's raining.
We got two goats the other day. One is black and silver. The other is brown and white. One's a dry yearling and the other is milking. In a few weeks I'm going to get a bottle-feeding kid from a farm and raise her.
Mar. 29, 2009 - Intoxicating You are to me/Illuminating You are to see/Truly breathtaking You are to breathe/Sending my head spinning You are, You see
La! I fear I need to apologize for the lack of entries lately. Would icons suffice as an amendment?
I have the ultimate excuse for not being on SB: I've been busy.
I'm in a terribly good mood today. A quiet kind of goodness. The kind of joy that just settles down in you and makes you feel all warm and sleepy inside. This is probably partially because of the rain. I love the rain. I miss Winter already, but I do love the rain that comes with Spring. Another reason is that... well, I just had a good day. haha. You know, with certain people and little looks and glances and certain silences that speak louder than a million words. Yes, that kind of quiet joy.
What's been going on lately in my life? I've been helping clear a field in the woods in the back yard. I haven't even been able to do all my school I'm so busy working outside. (But as I prefer active labor to mental stimulation, I quite like it.) The reason that we are clearing a field is because we are going to get goats. And I'm going to get a couple of ducks as well. The field is all cleared. Right now we need to plant grass, build a barn, put in fencing, and get the goats. ;D But it's all happening very rapidly.
And that's not all! This is the exciting part (for me.) xD I'm taking an MRT course! An MRT is the first step to becoming an EMT, where you get to ride the ambulance and stuff. I think it will really be good for me. If I can pass the test at the end. IF. I'm kind of really nervous about that part. I've been trying to study really hard, but I'm not good at studying OR memorizing. And I'm especially horrible at passing tests. o.o If you are reading this, you can always say a quick prayer for me. haha. I mean, it's all in God's hands. And I really feel as if He's calling me to do this.
