Hi, Christie,

My 8 year old son needs some help.  I have a suspicion that he has Asperger's, but have not had him diagnosed.  He NEEDS to be diagnosed. 

He used to be my "sweet & tender boy."  In the last couple years he's turned into a BEAST.  He and his younger brother are constantly at each other. 

The force behind this e-mail is that we had a TERRIBLE row last night.  Dad was chasing him around the
house with a broom!!!  Later, he caught him, belted him a few whacks ***on his bottom*** (not leaving any marks) and
let him go.  Dad says Son had told him he would NOT clean his room, and I believe that he might say that, but Dad's reaction was uncalled for. 

I don't know what to do with my son's behavior, his backtalking & refusal to obey.  This can NOT be tolerated, and it does not change, no matter HOW many times I discuss this with him or punish him.  Nothing helps.  I can NOT reach him.  He sees the results of his behavior but it doesn't matter.  I *have* to reach him somehow before he turns into a belligerent teenager.  Or before Dad kills him, whichever happens first.  Do you have a recommendation of where I could take him for diagnosis, with suspected Asperger's?  I've been referred to someone at Vanderbilt in Nashville, but thought perhaps you'd have an opinion.  I'm planning to set this ball rolling soon.

Thanks SO much for your help.  I know you've heard -- and lived through -- worse, but I would appreciate your steadying influence and your prayers.

With all my love,
L

Oh, Dear L,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I would suggest that you take your son to Vanderbilt as well. There is no other qualified place in the area you are in.

Some tips:
Find a "safe place" that he is allowed to go, be when he is getting upset. Somewhere that he can't hurt himself or others, and can't destroy stuff. Tell him it is a safe place, take him there when he is having inappropriate behavior, tell him that it is ok to be angry, upset, whatever, but he can only do it in that spot. When he has calmed himself down (or through holding you have helped him calm down) then he must do what he didn't want to do, or be compliant. Some families have used a walk in closet, we used the laundry room at one house. We've also stripped the bedroom and used it before.

Find ways to win his heart, love him unconditionally, find things you can do together, you can't gain compliance without winning his heart.

There is a book called Holding Time, you can find it used on Amazon. It discusses using holding to help a child calm down.

Learn and use Sensory Integration techniques to teach your son how to manage his own behavior.

Look to the scriptures to model God as the parent. (the bruised reed He shall not break... Is 42:3, 1 Cor 13)

Only work on one behavior problem at a time, don't try to fix everything at once.

Discipline all behavior, but not while he is in a rage. It will only make the rage worse. Help him calm down first, then discipline the behavior.

Put your day on a very strict schedule and routine. If there is going to be a change in the routine, you will need to prepare him for the changes way in advance. Use a 'school' type calendar to help him prepare for a day that will be different. Create a visual schedule that he can use to stay on task and focused each day. He needs to know what is expected of him. You can do this for chores as well, make a visual list for him to use (check list, sticker list, velcro list, etc.) This is probably the most difficult thing to do in our relaxed homeschool families, but it is imperative.

There is much more, but this is probably all you can handle right now...I teach on Sensory Integration (helps with rages, behavior, etc). I can also help with schedules if you need help or ideas on that as well.

I will keep you in prayer, and answer any questions, help with any intervention, whatever you need, PLEASE ASK!

Christie