Dear Christie,

We are having a hard time with our teen son. He is not compliant and doesn’t want to do anything that we ask him. He is even turning from God! Please help us know what to do.

T.

Dear T,

Basically, there is a need to win your son’s heart. True learning won't happen unless the pupil is compliant and willing. The willingness to learn comes from a love of the learner for the teacher. Thus, the teacher must win the heart of the learner in order for true learning to take place. This is God's design, this is how we learn from him. First, he wins our heart. Then, as our love grows for him, our compliance and willingness to learn and change grows.

Your son’s education is important, but knowledge is much less important than wisdom and understanding. Knowledge is all the information that we shove into our brains, the 3r's and all of the other worldly knowledge that is there for the learning. Wisdom and understanding is truth and application of that truth. We live our lives well with wisdom and understanding. Knowledge alone brings pride.

Your son’s need right now is to learn the wisdom of your experience. But he will not learn it unless his heart is willing. It has been said that all the knowledge that a person must know to graduate from high school can be learned by an adult in 1 year's time. I'm not sure if this has been proven to be true, but I tend to believe that it can be possible if the child knows how to read and write. In my experience, adults can learn quite a lot in a short period of time when they are willing and interested.

At your son’s age, you need to be looking at marketable skills. The most important skills are compliance with authority and a good attitude. If he is to be an asset to the community, he needs to be teachable, this demands compliance and a good attitude. He must learn to comply with the authorities in his life, parents, teachers, pastors, leaders, bosses, etc. He needs to learn to comply with a good attitude. This, again, comes from winning his heart. This should be your top 'curriculum'!

Winning his heart will be the most effective and the most difficult thing you can do, but the rewards will be priceless. Start by doing a project together or find some common interest. Even if you have nothing in common, learn to enjoy something he enjoys...meet him where he is... play video games with him! I know that sounds terrible to those of us that are old and not at all interested, but you will be amazed how far it will take you into your son's heart! After you have entered his heart, then you will begin to hear him better. It is not your time to talk, it is your time to listen, learn who he is, share your worries about other things (not about him), let him into your heart. In time you will create a relationship... you are courting him... Think of this time as being on 'your best behavior', court him as Christ courts the Bride.

As his parents you need to seek God for direction as to how to win his heart and how to teach him. We need to step out side of the proverbial box and allow God to show us the best way. We have been programmed by our experience to do things a certain way. This holds true for how we think 'school' should look. We need to let God open the top of our head and scoop out all the predispositions that we have and pour in the wisdom and understanding we need to teach our children. God created him, he knows him better than we do, and he knows what it will take to reach him.

I pray this helps,

Blessings,

Christie